fbpx
Menu

Long-time friend not speaking to me anymore

Home→Forums→Relationships→Long-time friend not speaking to me anymore

New Reply
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • October 29, 2019 at 7:45 am #320375
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jo:

    I enjoyed reading your previous posts from March 2014 (you lived in a college town then) and the gratitude post from September 2015 (after you moved to the West Coast).

    In March 2014, you wrote the following: “I’ve realized that most of the people I encounter.. seem to be carried away by their own insecurities. How silly it was to assume it was only my problem, it’s everyone’s problem!”

    Your college mentor, a man, “Long-time friend” stopped responding to you, a woman, about 3o when he stopped communicating with you. Why?

    Maybe he has relationship trouble, accused by his partner of cheating, maybe she checks his Facebook. So he stays away. Maybe he had a bad experience with another student that he mentored, and that discouraged him from keeping in touch with  another person he mentored, you that is.

    Maybe he is so depressed that he feels he has nothing positive to offer you anymore and that if you see him, you will be disappointed.

    Whatever his reason or reasons, most likely, his withdrawal from you is not about who you are but about his changed circumstances and what he now attends to vs before.

    In early March 2014 you wrote: “I had a HUGE realization. It seems that.. self compassion and self acceptance give you roots, a foundation that grounds you”-

    – as you experience what appears to be rejections, perceived only or real, ground yourself with that self acceptance and compassion that you need, that everyone needs.

    anita

    October 29, 2019 at 11:45 am #320419
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Jo,

    Mentors get in trouble when they say, “Email me anytime! Keep in touch! Friend me on social media!”

    Then, to their surprise and chagrin, students do.

    If my mentors heard from me once every ten years THEY’D be lucky. You see, they are no longer my mentors. They were beloved professors I’ll always remember fondly, who I would perhaps see at homecoming (again, once every ten years).

    What I think happened is this guy can’t keep up with his old mentees. There are too many of you now. Or, one of his mentees became a stalker, tried to cast him into the role of Father, or became a lover entangled in his life. Then you come around (again) and his alarm bells are going off. Now, you didn’t set off the original fire. But he does smell smoke, even though it’s as benign as the grill outside.

    Think of it this way: You outgrew your mentor. Repeat that every time you think of him.

    Next time let him hear OF you, not FROM you. (You could have a friend make that happen for you, say, five years later. “Hey, wasn’t this an old student of yours? Congratulations! Here’s an article about her…”)

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
    October 29, 2019 at 10:40 pm #320485
    Jo
    Participant

    Wow, Inky, thanks! This is exactly what I needed to hear. I love your idea that he should hear about me, not from me. That helped a lot.

     

    I guess it’s just hard to let go of a relationship that was a safety net for 10 years, but you’re right, I don’t need him to be my mentor anymore and it’s time to move on.

     

    I’ve outgrown him.

     

     

    October 29, 2019 at 10:49 pm #320487
    Jo
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for weighing in. It could have nothing to do with me and you listed some good examples of what else might be going on, thanks for that. It’s easy to get caught in my own stories and assumptions, and, admittedly, that’s what I’ve been doing, but in the end, it’s impossible to know exactly what happened on his end. Uncertainty is the worst.

     

    I like the quotes you threw in, too. Sometimes I forget my item good advice. 🙂

    October 30, 2019 at 8:39 am #320551
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jo:

    You are welcome. “Uncertainty is the worst”- it occurred to me just now that this is the reason why some people hire private investigators, paying for that certainty that we need. Outside such measures that may border the unethical and illegal, if we do have a way to gather relevant and reliable information in an ethical way so to figure out what we want to figure out, that is probably a good idea.

    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.