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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • October 29, 2019 at 10:49 pm #320487
    Jo
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for weighing in. It could have nothing to do with me and you listed some good examples of what else might be going on, thanks for that. It’s easy to get caught in my own stories and assumptions, and, admittedly, that’s what I’ve been doing, but in the end, it’s impossible to know exactly what happened on his end. Uncertainty is the worst.

     

    I like the quotes you threw in, too. Sometimes I forget my item good advice. 🙂

    October 29, 2019 at 10:40 pm #320485
    Jo
    Participant

    Wow, Inky, thanks! This is exactly what I needed to hear. I love your idea that he should hear about me, not from me. That helped a lot.

     

    I guess it’s just hard to let go of a relationship that was a safety net for 10 years, but you’re right, I don’t need him to be my mentor anymore and it’s time to move on.

     

    I’ve outgrown him.

     

     

    September 2, 2015 at 11:57 pm #82750
    Jo
    Participant

    @aMatt,

    I moved cross country a few months after writing this post, and your paper dragons analogy and comments stuck with me all the way to the West Coast. Actually, it has been helping me cope–many times over–with all of the transitions and being nearer to my family again (which stirs up much pain and discomfort). Solid, enduring guidance is so rarely encountered that I had to revisit the original post and express my gratitude one more time. I hope you are doing well.

    Namaste,

    Jo

    September 2, 2015 at 11:10 pm #82749
    Jo
    Participant

    Anita,

    One might imagine that posts in this forum involve members sharing their personal truth–in whatever form it may come. These forums are meant to provide safe places for people to express themselves and connect to others. Your post here is abusive and inexcusable.

    Jo

    September 2, 2015 at 10:20 pm #82747
    Jo
    Participant

    Hi Nicole! I have started over in different cities in different parts of the country twice now, for different reasons, and I definitely understand wanting to put a lot of space between you and the pain and loneliness that you’ve felt since your move to a new city. Overwhelming pain is hard to deal with!

    Moving can be a fun, exciting distraction and temporarily give you the space you need from your problems, but starting over for the sake of avoiding problems will only bring on more problems until you deal with the underlying issues that are causing your distress. The strong urge you feel to get away comes from within you, and it will resurface if it remains unprocessed and you have problems down the line after you move. The pain you sought to avoid will come back when the dust settles and the boxes are unpacked in a new locale unless you accept it, hold it with compassion, and let it move through you.

    It’s best to be moving toward something rather than away from something. If you’re up for adventure, start over! It’s exhilarating! As you do, be mindful that you are moving forward towards new opportunities and adventures.

    Happy travels!
    Jo

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Jo.
    March 29, 2014 at 8:28 pm #53780
    Jo
    Participant

    Hi Network7,

    Dealing with a difficult boss is NO fun. My direct supervisor was very difficult as well, she had a rather intimidating, easily triggered temper, regularly dealt harsh and unwarranted criticism of people during meetings, and would forward emails from and about people to the entire office if they made a mistake. The list goes on. It made the workplace miserable for me and my colleagues.

    What helped for me was Metta meditation, she was my difficult person. About a year ago I took up metta, and after a month or two, my boss completely changed. Of course my behavior towards her shifted and softened once I realized that her rage was her defense against a lot of suffering, but I couldn’t tell you exactly how my behavior changed. Simply being aware of her pain and vulnerability made all of the difference though, and for the past year she has softened towards me as well, and has offered several times to do me favors to help my career along. Once you can see what is causing your boss’s behavior and what’s underneath it, you can begin to feel compassion for her. Perhaps the change won’t be as dramatic or immediate as it was with my boss, but keep at it and at the very least, you will begin to not feel her condescension as personally and it won’t affect you so much.

    Sharon Salzburg has a great guided metta meditation on youtube.

    Good luck,

    Jo

    March 9, 2014 at 11:52 am #52524
    Jo
    Participant

    That’s awesome!

    Thanks Matt!

    March 7, 2014 at 10:23 am #52469
    Jo
    Participant

    After I submitted the last post I had a HUGE realization. It seems that, as Matt said, self-compassion and self-acceptance give you roots, a foundation that grounds you. Then, as everyone else suggested, it’s easier not to get carried away by insecurities and beliefs about yourself that lead to behaviors that confirm these beliefs. Other options emerge when the feelings calm down.

    I dated a coworker last weekend, and he’s been cold and kind of ignored me at work this week. I realized that I was wanting things to be different, but I didn’t know how to change them, so I started exploring my own feelings and beliefs. I was feeling old (I’m only 30 but I live in a college town), unattractive, and inadequate and believed that no one as wonderful as this guy would ever want to be with me. This affected my behavior because I was acting insecure and looking to him for validation, which he wasn’t giving me and that exacerbated the feelings. My insecurities kept me small, and rather than trying to talk to him, I just kind of hid and avoided him. Had I felt more confident and accepting of myself, this week might have gone much more differently because I wouldn’t have been so affected by his behavior even if everything else had remained the same.

    So that’s where the awareness and choices come to play. If I’m aware of my feelings on the foundation of self-compassion, I can choose to respond to situations in a way that will be easier for me to accept and that will add to my confidence. Then I’m moving forward instead of treading in the middle of the ocean. I won’t need other people to validate me because I will be able to do it for myself, and that will change the way that I relate to and interact with other people.

    This is a really big deal for me and I wonder if I’ll be able to remember how important self-compassion is and keep building it up.

    I am so grateful to everyone who responded to my initial post, I’m not sure I would have made it to this point without your insight and encouragement. For the first time in ages I feel free and unencumbered.

    March 7, 2014 at 9:51 am #52463
    Jo
    Participant

    Amanda,

    I empathize wholeheartedly with your situation. Being unsure of yourself is so difficult!!

    A few years ago, if you would have asked me who I was, I would have responded, “Who do you need me to be?” I could be a caretaker, entertainment, a helper, a babysitter, a tutor–whatever someone else needed. The problem, as you’ve stated, is that tending to the needs of others becomes automatic when you have hidden your own needs from yourself, and often, it leaves you feeling empty and without a sense of who you are. As Al and Aeris said, it’s important to be aware of how you are feeling when you’re conforming to meet other people’s needs and expectations. Do you know what your needs are? It’s much more difficult to be kind to ourselves when we don’t know how to satisfy our own needs, and the way to identify them is through awareness of your feelings. For example, if you’re talking with someone and you start to feel anxious, restless, or unhappy, it could be because of some unmet need. Maybe they’ve gone on and on about their problems in life and haven’t even asked you how you’re doing. The unmet needs are compassion, recognition, and validation for your own feelings. If you are not receiving these things from others, you might consider doing metta meditation or something similar so that you are giving yourself the compassion that you need and you feel seen.

    In time, self-compassion and self-acceptance become the roots that ground you. When you tend to your own needs, you don’t need as much from others and their behavior and personalities don’t affect you as much. This translates into becoming your own person because you can accept yourself without necessarily living up to the expectations of others. You don’t need their validation because you become your own best friend. Then you can always be the same because the only expectations you’re trying to meet are your own, not the ones imposed externally. That seems to be where a sense of self comes from. Those of us with difficult childhoods have to work extra hard to cultivate the self-compassion necessary to truly be able to find and accept ourselves, but it’s worth the journey.

    These suggestions are abstract and probably frustrating, but finding yourself is not out of reach, don’t give up! I’ve done it and I know you can too.

    Jo

    March 7, 2014 at 5:15 am #52452
    Jo
    Participant

    Thanks again, everyone, for all of your kind words and suggestions.

    Self-acceptance and self-compassion seem to be the consensus. I have been doing daily metta meditations and trying to think of healthier ways to handle situations, and while I understand rationally that these are the things I need to be doing, I’m still having a hard time figuring out how they will help. I guess I’m struggling with patience. It seems like after a year of meditation I should be further along. How long does it take to get everything figured out and gain self-confidence and to live with ease?

    February 25, 2014 at 9:27 pm #51798
    Jo
    Participant

    Helen, this looks like an interesting book, I put a copy on hold at my library and I’m anxious to check it out.

    Thanks for the recommendation and for sharing your hope and optimism! Your experience and faith in the process is inspiring.

    Jo

    February 25, 2014 at 9:21 pm #51797
    Jo
    Participant

    Matt,

    You seem to know exactly where I’m at and I am truly grateful that you took the time to write out such an insightful and helpful response. This made my day so much better.

    I actually have Sharon Salzburg’s book on metta meditation, and another thorough journey through that is a brilliant idea, and I will work it back into my daily practice. Thinking of eroding my problems makes more sense than trying to vaporize them or drowning in a deluge of hopelessness because they seem so insurmountable.

    There’s so much in this post that I’m going to let it sink in before I respond any further (and I promise that I will!). Thanks so much for the gentle reminders to practice self-compassion, metta, and patience. Namaste.

    Jo

    February 25, 2014 at 8:39 pm #51793
    Jo
    Participant

    Ah, and that’s why I’m seeking advice from a larger consciousness. :o) Unfortunately, my experiences in psychotherapy over the past decade or so have been unhelpful at best, and, on a couple of occasions, outright hurtful. Meditation has helped me so much in the short time I’ve been practicing, and I believe that meditation, relationships, and good teachers hold all that is needed to reach the peace and equanimity that I seek. Thanks for the recommendation, I think I will check my library for the book.

    February 25, 2014 at 8:29 pm #51792
    Jo
    Participant

    Thanks, Ruminant, for your understanding and honesty. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one in this boat. :o)

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