Just looking at the opening posts, it is not unusual for people to become bored or unsatisfied with whatever they have at the present moment. This wanting something then achieving it brings with it over time a sense of dissatisfaction. Then something new must come along to bring want and desire. Then to achieve that would bring its own sense of dissatisfaction over time. Much like wanting a new car. Once you get it, it is exciting then over time it becomes unsatisfactory. Not that there is really something wrong with the car. The owner now needs something new to bring the excitement back. That is the human condition. It is hard to be content. If one looks at personal relationships as an object like a car then people become disposable. Not very good for society as a whole. So comes marriage and vows. Statistically, women become dissatisfied easily with marriage and initiate divorce 80% of the time. This is not blame. Just information. What you do with it is up to you.

Hi Renn: I’m glad you ended the relationship that wasn’t a good one!

Hi Renn’s friend:

You shared that your boyfriend, who hasn’t been very verbally affectionate or flirtatious, was “super into working out and physically attractive” when you met him and sometime after but has “stopped trying as much as he doesn’t feel like he needs to ‘win me over’ anymore”.

Recently you went out with a friend, and you ended up speaking to another guy whom you found “very physically attractive”. He’s been messaging you a lot, being “very flirtatious”. You feel excited when he messages you.

“I’ve been in a relationship for 3ish years and have never looked at anyone else twice, very happy with my boyfriend… I do feel loved by him, and we get on super well… Any advice would be appreciated, why has this guy suddenly got to me!”-

It actually makes a lot of sense that this guy caught your attention. What you described sounds less like ‘falling for someone else’ and more like a very human reaction to getting a type of attention you haven’t felt in a while.

Your boyfriend sounds steady, loving, and comfortable — but also not very verbally affectionate or flirtatious. When someone new comes along who is expressive, flirty, and clearly attracted to you, it can wake up parts of you that haven’t been stimulated in a long time.

The important thing is not to judge yourself, but to get curious about what your reaction to him is telling you about your needs. Maybe you’re craving more flirtation, more effort, or more feeling ‘wanted’ in your current relationship. Those needs are valid, and they can be talked about with your partner.

The excitement you feel is real, but it’s also a signal — not a verdict. You get to decide what to do with it.

Why this guy “got to you”: 1. He represents novelty- Long-term relationships become familiar and predictable. A new person = dopamine spike.

2. He gives you a type of attention you’re not getting- Your boyfriend isn’t very flirtatious or verbally expressive. This new guy is the opposite — expressive, interested, enthusiastic. That contrast is powerful.

3. He makes you feel desired- Being desired activates ego, self-esteem, sexual energy, curiosity. It can be intoxicating.

4. He reminds you of the early “spark”- you said your boyfriend used to try harder physically and romantically. This new guy is giving you the early-stage energy you miss.

5. You may have unspoken needs in your relationship- Not unmet love, but unmet flirtation, effort, or romantic energy. The new guy highlights that gap.

6. You’re not immune to attraction just because you’re committed- being in a relationship doesn’t turn off the part of the brain that notices chemistry.

7. He arrived at a moment of vulnerability- you’ve been with your boyfriend for years. Comfort can sometimes feel like stagnation. A new person can feel like a jolt of aliveness.

Your reaction to this guy doesn’t mean that you don’t love your boyfriend, or that the relationship with him is doomed; nor does it mean that you’re a bad partner, or that you’re “meant” to be with the new guy. It means you’re human, you’re craving something you’re not currently getting, and you need to reflect before acting.

I want to add that you know your boyfriend as a person, but you don’t know the new guy. He represents some things for you (novelty, flirtatious attention, excitement, etc.), but you don’t know his character, his values, his ability to love long-term, etc.

I would love to read your thoughts, Renn’s friend about what I wrote here. And of course, Renn- you can share your thoughts as well.

🤍 Anita