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Life at crossroads…please Help

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  • #78933
    Antonio
    Participant

    Hello. My name is Antonio. Im in desperation for advice. I think some of you guys might help me clear my heart and head. After five years of job searching and finally found an opportunity for me to grow professionally and stabilize my life. The job opportunity is far from where I am at right know. My girlfriend does not want me to move out because she is still in college and had decided to stay. She firmly believes I am selfish if I choose to pursue mu dream and leaving her behind. She says I dont love her and I am a liar. The fact is I do love her but what about my personal goals and desires? she has a plan for now but I dont. I am in place where Im barely surviving in general and cant even support her financially. What should I do? stay and lose the chance of finally making it? or stay because I love her and keep struggling? my heart wants me to stay with her but my mind dictates me to pursue my career goals. What should I do??

    #78949
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi There!

    You need to take the job, sweetheart.

    Not to compare us to birds, but ~ A woman wants to have a nest. But a man needs to be able to build one.

    Tell her that you ARE, in fact, doing this for her. Love never ends, you see. She can handle this. And you need to do this.

    Inky

    #78967
    Andi
    Participant

    Antonio,
    First off, you should be very proud and happy about your job opportunity, five years of searching for anything and not giving up is an accomplishment in itself. I do not know your girlfriend, she could be the best person in the world or your true love. But from what you have written, she, not you, is being selfish. If you two are meant to be, you guys will survive; maybe she will relocate, who knows. Funny enough I am rereading one of my favorite books The Alchemist (you should read it if you haven’t already), it is about the journey to fufill our “personal legend” aka our purpose, destiny. Your story reminds me of a line in the book. Good luck to you, and don’t let anyone dictate what your journey is.

    “Love never keeps a man from pursuing his personal legend. If he abandons that pursuit, it’s because it wasn’t true love.”-The Alchemist

    #78972
    Axuda
    Participant

    Hi Antonio

    As someone who is probably quite a lot older than you, I won’t attempt to tell you what to do, but just try to give you a bit of perspective.

    I, and a number of other friends (both male and female) were faced with a similar dilemma when we were younger. I come from a small community, so quite often opportunities would mean travelling far away. I can honestly say I can’t think of a single case where the person staying put to please their partner ended well. Equally, those who took the opportunities when they were presented all seem to have flourished, some with their partner from years ago, some without.

    I think sometimes people use their partner as an excuse to stay in their comfort zone, rather than grabbing that exciting but scary opportunity in a strange place. Others may genuinely try to put their partner’s interest first. Either way, it seems that the long-term effect of this is to gnaw away at the relationship, creating bitterness and frustration. And almost always, it has been the person who they stayed for who has been the one to walk out (saying that “they are not the same person” – well, exactly! They suppressed who they were for you!). In contrast, those who have taken their opportunities have blossomed as individuals.

    If one of my children gets a fantastic opportunity, I am genuinely deeply happy and supportive. The effect on me personally might be negative (because I see less of them), but that doesn’t even enter my head. What makes me happiest is seeing them happy, because I truly love them. If I didn’t, and was only focused on my own welfare, how would I react? Maybe I’d try to put them off, make them feel guilty for moving away from me, or for not seeing me so much.

    The world of middle-age is littered with sad souls (including me) who suppressed their own desires in order to please someone else. Inevitably, that someone else has taken what they had to offer and moved on, usually to someone who followed their dreams when they were younger. Why? Because those people are more interesting and exciting.

    My only other comment would be to consider what will happen when your girlfriend graduates (if you stay). What if she gets an opportunity a long way away? Will she stay for you, because you stayed for her? If she does, you have both suppressed your opportunities for each other, and that’s not a great basis for a long-term relationship. If she goes, how would you feel? Why can she pursue her dreams and not you?

    You have spent five years looking for an opportunity and have finally found what you are looking for. Obviously those opportunities are not easy to find. I would expect someone who loves you to be happy for you, and to find a way of dealing with it. The fact that you are having to ask the question suggests to me that you already know deep down what you should do.

    #78978
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Antonio:

    If I posted the following thread:

    “Hello. My name is Anita. Im in desperation for advice…After years of job searching I finally found an opportunity for me to grow professionally and stabilize my life but I have to move to take this opportunity.

    My boyfriend firmly believes I am selfish if I choose to pursue my dream.

    He says I dont love him and I am a liar.

    The fact is I do love him but what about my personal goals and desires?

    What should I do?”

    What would your answer to me be?
    anita

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