Hi Raaw,

I’m guessing that a lot of your friends are simply more extroverted than yourself? It can be hard being ‘the quiet one’ of the group, especially when the main group dynamic is based on contributing through jokes, tales and light conversation etc.  As a more introverted type you are always going to be happier in one-on-ones, smaller groups, where the conversation is focused on something deeper, more meaningful than the light-hearted banter. Like the interactions with your sisters.

Does it mean you have to give up your friends – ofcourse not. But recognise you simply have something different to offer the group – all talkers need an active listener after all  – without that there’s nothing! Even without your own stories to share you can contribute to the group dynamic by showing your interest and asking questions, helping to develop stronger connections with them one at a time. It can be helpful to set yourself targets such as ‘I will contribute two questions next time’ – making it seem achievable but more than you would otherwise do. A way of growing your confidence in contributing and helping stop the feeling you are simply standing there.  Tbh, most introverts tend to have a small bunch of friends who they are close with, often other introverted types. It doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with your current group – but perhaps don’t expect them to be something they aren’t – same way don’t expect yourself to be something you are not. You can learn to improve your ability to socially interact but perhaps look elsewhere for the closer friendships.

Story-telling can also often be a form of competition in groups – as in ‘who’s done the best/craziest/weirdest/etc thing lately’. If you recognise it as such you can also recognise that it’s likely each of your friends is also insecure in their own way about where they stand in the group.  Spend some time thinking about if you only feel “I feel that my life is not happening as others. And therefore I do not have many stories to tell”  when you are in this group – i.e. when you are comparing yourself to others. If you are content with your life otherwise – no need to change – most people fall into the trap of comparing themselves and thinking they or their lifes fall short of what they ‘should’ be doing. But there is no ‘should’, just what makes you personally content.

Hope helps.

Dear Raaw:

I re-read your original post and your answer to my question.

You are a 26 year old man. Your goal: “a peaceful life filled with people whom I care for”.

Your stated problem: “I have been struggling with a feeling of despair, arising out of my perceived lack of strong relationships in my life”.

You are satisfied with your relationships with your parents and sisters who are “very loving.. cares for me unconditionally.. support me in everything I do and to every extent possible”. With one sister you frequently talk about her children and how to groom them and with the other sister you talk about “issues persisting in her life”. With both sisters and parents you “discuss anything anyone needs to make a decision upon”.

On the other hand, your relationships with friends are unsatisfactory and not strong at all. They talk a lot, “talking and bantering”, tell lots of “jokes and tales”, and you observe them, not being part of their exchange. They, your friends, seem to have a lot in common with each other, but not with you. They are “present for each other in up and downs” but they are not present for you.

You figured that the reason for you not having close friendships with these friends is that although you have interests (ex., traveling, outdoor activities, reading books), you are not “super passionate” about your interests. You shared that you have “trouble forming stories and talking too much” and that you “lack of natural charisma”.

You wrote: “I feel that my life is not happening as others. And therefore I do not have many stories to tell… This is depressing me and is affecting my interactions with my family… I feel lost and unable to find direction to rectify the affairs in my life”.

Raaw, if you want, we can continue to communicate because it will take a few more posts for me to understand better and for you as well. What I figure at this point is the gender factor: you grew up with a mother and two sisters, that is, three females, now all women. Maybe your father, male, was not a strong presence in the home, maybe he was quiet, reserved, so you bonded with girls/ women and talk about women issues, such as the parenting of one of your sister’s children.

The friends you shared about, they are all males, are they? Maybe you are not used to male presence and therefore not comfortable.

What do you think about this possibility?

anita

Dear Raaw:

I only read a small part of your recent post and will read it thoroughly when I am back to the computer, about 17 hours from now. I did read this sentence from your recent post: “the environment in which I grew up was intense and we rarely joked around with each other”-

Can you elaborate on that before I return?

Also, you wrote that you were “antisocial”- can you tell me what you mean by that term as it applied to you (“I grew up to be really antisocial”)?

anita

Dear Raaw:

What you want is “a peaceful life filled with people whom I care for”, but you “have been struggling with a feeling of despair, arising out of… lack of strong relationships in my life”.

You wrote: “While growing up the focus in my house was strictly on studies” and indeed you studied well, did college, have a good job, and you plan to continue higher education in another country. Problem is the social aspect- you weren’t taught social skills at home. Not that your parents should have gathered you and your sisters in a classroom setting in your home and taught you like teachers in school do-

The learning of social skills I am referring to is in the very interactions between you and your parents (and their interactions with each other as well as their input into the interactions between you and your sisters).

“I was an intense kid who threw tantrums and became angry at small instances… my childhood.. was spent either studying or playing computer games”- when you got angry at something, your parents didn’t attend to you, didn’t sit with you and asked you what it was about, didn’t suggest to you what you can do to make it better, to solve this or that problem. Instead, you were left alone, not guided. And you probably didn’t witness effective communication between your parents.

You were “heavily socially awkward” at school because you were a socially alone and unguided at home. You were unattended to the way you needed to be attended to. A child needs more than to be told to study well at school, more than food and clothes and a bed to sleep in.

A child needs to feel  like he/ she belongs at home. A child needs to feel comfortable at home. A child needs to be shown that he is okay, that his emotions are acceptable. That he can ask for what he needs and to be shown how to ask, and that conflicts can be resolved fairly and respectfully.

“Recently, I  met with a couple of my friends from school day. They all drink heavily and have a passion for music”- the reason many young people drink is to belong with other young people who drink. Don’t do that. Don’t aim at belonging with people who drink while they drink. And don’t pretend to like music you don’t like.

“I think that societal pressure in my environment where it was taboo to talk with girls attributed to my repressed personality”- first, people are not born with repressed personalities. Emotions are repressed because of lack of attention- and/or negative attention at home while growing up. Second, you are a 26 year old man. This means you naturally have sexual needs and desires. I don’t know if you received any guidance in this area- what to do with those needs and desires. I don’t know if you were taught-  like so many have been taught- that it is shameful to have these needs and desires. This topic needs to be attended to.

“I am a pushover personality and have trouble saying no to people.. But now I have decided to keep a distance from people and social groups which trouble my peace of mind”- the better solution is to learn to say no, practice saying no, becoming assertive. But it is difficult and takes time and practice. There is and is fear, anxiety in this learning and practice, which is what makes it difficult.

“I was heavily socially awkward. I couldn’t make small talk with anyone and was offended easily”- you consider your relationships with your parents to have been good through your childhood, do you? I think they were not. I think that you were heavily socially awkward at home- but you got used to it being the way it was and is, so you are not anxious anymore at home. What happens is that in new social situations, the social awkwardness, or social anxiety, is activated.

If you would like, let me know what you think about what I wrote so far, and we can communicate further.

anita