Dear Koala,

You sound just like me, a very similar tale. I am the eldest sister by 2.5 years.

My parents never divorced or had issues like yours, but they had plenty of rows!

My sister was the ‘favoured, golden child’ for my mother. I went my own way and learned to avoid them both if possible, as they would both turn on me, bully me and belittle me. My sister still does this. Although I don’t give her much opportunity to do so these days.

Like Mark says, you can love her at a distance. Look up ‘how to establish boundaries with family’ and see if you can put any of the suggestions into practice. Often this is simply letting your sister know that you will not tolerate her behaviour any longer.

In my situation, my sister reverts back to childish tantrums when she can’t get her own way, and hurls insults. It’s very tempting to retaliate in a similar manner, but that would give her the satisfaction that she craves, which is to upset me.  I thought it was about time she grew up and I told her so. It didn’t make that much difference, but it made me feel good!

My sister knows now that, if she starts to create disharmony (she loves the drama she creates), then I will simply walk away. Literally, I turn my back and walk out.

Misery loves company. If my sister is not happy then she makes sure everyone else is unhappy too. You have to establish boundaries as to do anything else is both mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Best wishes,

Jay

Dear Koala,

Yes, the guilt is something you have to deal with. I feel the same with my sister. Most of her problems are self inflicted, but I was told by my grandparents to ‘always love and look after your little sister’, and so that’s what I was brought up doing. It’s a long ingrained habit for me, and was extremely hard for me to give up, especially the guilt. I still feel guilty sometimes, but it’s better than the anxiety it causes to argue or try to sort her problems out for her.

My sister is a fully grown adult, well over the age of 50, as I am, yet still blames everyone else for the way her life turns out. She is never wrong, she is a victim of circumstance. She would never admit her problems are brought about by herself and her own decisions, she is always the victim.

Was there anyone in your childhood that said something similar to you?

I have tried to stay calm and say I won’t be spoken to this way/treated this way and remove myself from the situation but she has always displayed this type of behaviour and my family and I are quick to forgive so I guess she almost “gets away with it” and repeats the behaviour as soon as things are not going her way.

Dear Koala,

What you say here above is exactly the same as it is with me. The rest of my family (that is, myself, my father, and my grandparents) over the years have all done the same thing. We are quick to forgive and so the behaviour that my mother used to display (my mother now has dementia and is no longer capable of behaving this way), and the behaviour my sister still does display, just keeps on going. Someone has to break the cycle.

I believe my sister learned this behaviour at my mother’s knee as a child. Both her and my mother are/were drama queens, to put it politely – always wanting all the attention, always wanting everything their own way, always jealous of others, often selfish and self centred, always demanding attention…. and so on, and yes – always forgiven afterwards. So my sister learned that it was ok to say and do anything she liked, even though she knew it was wrong, and that she would indeed ‘get away with it’.

You have to stand up for yourself and make your sister understand that her behaviour is unacceptable. When my sister said something totally out of order, I said, ‘I’m going now. I won’t forget what you just said’. And you have to mean what you say. What you are actually saying is that she had better think twice about what she says in the future, because you are not going to forget it, and, by implication, not going to forgive her for it either.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes,

Jay

Dear Koala:

It may be a good idea for you to arrange a family therapy sessions that will consist of you, your sister and the therapist you see, for a few sessions, so to examine core issues and most importantly, to learn how to communicate with each other, having an EAR for one another, (standing for Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect).

anita