Dear Livy:

For a year and a half he was affectionate and sexual with you, then he slowly behaved less and less affectionately and sexually with you, about  two years. there’s  less and less affection and sex to the point  of not having sex for moths at a time.

You wrote that communication between the two  of you was always good and  after you communicated to him your dissatisfaction, he improved but then the affection and sex lessened again. This has  been a pattern, a “vicious cycle”, you called it. He told  you throughout that he has  “no idea why he is like that”.

You wrote: “The problems go deeper in that area but I’m trying to  sum this up into a brief read”- it is okay with me if you make it a longer read. I have the  time and the  motivation to read and learn. Would  you like to elaborate on the problems. I need this information so to understand.

anita

Dear Livy:

There is the chicken and the egg element here: what came first, his dwindling affection or your anger. I don’t know. What I do know about this vicious cycle you mention is that you yelling at him, crying, going on and on, showing him how unhappy he is making you, all these behaviors kill one’s motivation to be affectionate.

It doesn’t matter what came first in regard to this pattern: these behaviors are incongruent with him behaving spontaneously and affectionately with you.

When you tell him how badly he makes you feel, crying and so on, he is put on alert: scared to cause you more pain. He is no longer free to be spontaneous, and open communication is not possible.

You think communication is not the problem, but it is because although you have felt comfortable expressing your misery to him, he has not felt comfortable to express his unhappiness in the relationship.

At this point, the way I see it, is there needs to be just that between the two of you: better communication. But it is not going to be easy, to make it happen because he is already cautious, already on alert, feeling guilty, uncomfortable, scared to tell you what is on his mind and heart, scared of hurting you more.

What you can do to improve the communication with him is to take personal responsibility for your feelings and behaviors, to no longer blame him for these. Only if he is assured that you are responsible for these, will he feel, over time, safe enough to express himself honestly.

anita

Dear Livy- I feel like I could have written your post. Prior to my current relationship, which a few of he posters on here are aware of, I was in a 26 year relationship almost identical to the one you are in now. The signs appeared very early. We were in therapy the first two years we were together even before we got engaged. I was young – 22 when we met. We ended up getting married and the problems never went away, despite how badly he felt about it. He didn’t seem to want to want me. You see what I am saying? It one thing to have issues either medical or psychological that prevented him from wanting me, but the fact that he didn’t seem to care enough to try  to make a change was the part that was damaging. And similar to your situation, we would go in cycles. It would get better for a spell then revert back. It got to the point where my confidence as a woman was completely destroyed. I did not feel emotionally safe with this man because I was always afraid of being rejected. After such a long time of not feeling desired, I felt undesirable. It took me 26 years to see the light and get out to save myself and my sense of womanhood. He may have had psychological issues and/or medical issues,  but eventually it became ingrained in our dynamic. And he just didn’t seem interested. I don’t want you to waste all those years like I did not feeling like the woman you want to feel like. I am 49 years old and starting over. I am now in another relationship which is now physically gratifying but emotionally depleted. The dynamic in my marriage affected me deeper than I could have imagined.  And I realize that it is all on me that I should have left when I saw the signs.  But regardless the bottom line is the way in which I receive love is different from how he wants to give it.

Feel free to write back with questions.  There is a lot more I am happy to share because your situation sounds eerily similar.

xo

Dear Livy,

The more you tell me, the more I see the similarities.  I too was told I was “intimidating” and he was scared to communicate with me.  Sadly, eventually, what did happen, was that I did become intimidating and scary to communicate with. It is hard for a man (or woman) to confront that they may have intimacy issues. And, what I found was that I was compassionate at the beginning, but over the years, I became more and more impatient, as I saw my life slipping away. I was getting older and I wanted to be able to have some years left to salvage whatever piece of womanhood I had left. I ended up getting cancer a few years ago and that really hit me in the face that we have one life (as far as I know) and one chance to have the type of love that enhances our desire to feel beautiful and wanted. And, that is OKAY to want to feel that way…women who are wanted and desired by their partners do not always understand the emptiness we feel. And, I can tell you, from my own experience, and from others with whom I have spoken going through similar things, it does not change. You cannot force someone to change or feel something that they do not. And in saying that I am by no means saying there is anything about you that is causing it because most of the time, their resistance come from deep-rooted issues from childhood, which require confronting and serious change from within.

I want to tell you that if I were you I would try to extricate myself from the relationship, encourage him to get the help he needs if he wants to, of course. In the meantime, you can work on yourself (and some of the other issues in your life, as well – note, I had co-dependency issues bc of some of my family dynamics, e.g, not receiving the love I wanted from my dad…so settling for a relationship where extracting love from my spouse felt very familiar to me…maybe take a look at how your family dynamics play a part in your willingness to stay in a situation in which you feel like a part of love is missing), and regroup in a year or so, to see where you are.

If he does the work, then maybe you can reconnect…you are young still. But, I know this is hard to do if you do not feel it in your heart. But, what I do not want to happen is for your self-confidence and sense of womanhood to get chipped away and eroded over time. Even though intellectually you may be told that it has nothing to do with you (as I was…I happen to be very attractive physically, but it does not even matter bc I felt inadequate), if you feel undesired and rejected by your partner, it erodes your core.  And when you say that it kills you to say that a lack of a love life can so easily tear things apart, it kills me too. But think about it this way…it is a LOVE life. That is what separates it from a friendship or roommates. Feeling loved in the way you want to receive it is important and you are worthy of having that.

I found this quote from an article I read on the subject: If one partner is more apathetic than the other in this regard (emotional and physical intimacy), it can impact self-confidence and passion in other areas of life. Feeling unloved and undesirable pushes the less apathetic partner into a corner of inner pain and loneliness.

Also…this was blog post on the subject: As a wife/woman, I want to be wanted. While I understand the no-pressure communication tactics here, I feel hurt and embarrassed enough already that my husband has so little drive for me. Initiation on my part, I have found often results in polite forms of rejection. Even when I do not initiate at all, the rejections come via body language and other subtle ways indicating that he would not be responsive. The subtle messages make for a lack of free flow of intimate expression. My husband was a kind, supportive, great friend to me, but I was terribly wounded by being kept at bay in this area. For me, it is so much more than the sex act itself. It is the closeness and intimacy that I need. I love you and I want to show you love. Inside of our relationship is where I should be safe to feel uninhibited and desirable.  Instead I feel stifled, rejected, hurt and sometimes shameful.

This is what eventually happened to me…and I lost a lot of good years of my life worrying about being rejected from my own spouse. I am sorry for the long response, but I wish I could make you see that, if having romantic love is important to you, this type of dynamic is insidious and will permeate other areas of your life, making it even more difficult to deal with some of the other issues you have going on. So, as I said, maybe you could consider either ending it or at a minimum, taking a break to get yourselves together and if he does do the work, check in after a certain period of time to see how things going.

xo