Hi Tee,

I agree with what Anita has said. I also want to point out how I think sometimes, without thinking about it, we sort of expect people to respond how we would respond or how we would want them to respond, and when they don’t, that becomes an unmet expectation, which feels like a big let down. That’s probably why you feel so disappointed by his lack of reaction and not warm and safe. One way to fix this is to realize that he isn’t you. He’s also not female. Men and women respond to things differently in general. Men are fixers and less emotional/empathetic in general. This can makes them good listeners, though. He’s shown this by listening to your story about your family, but he likely didn’t offer advice or consolation because he may just not have known what to say or do.

So in other words, get your expectations in check. He’s going to respond to things how he responds to things, and from the sounds of it, he responds to things in the way a majority of guys I know also do.

Also, everyone shows love differently. Have you read about the 5 love languages? You two may have different types, and it may be good to read up on those so you can understand how he shows you he loves you. You are looking for him to show you he loves you in YOUR love language, not his, while he’s been showing you in his own language, not yours. It’s basically just a miscommunication. So learn to communicate in that way, and it will likely help a lot.

Also, 2 hours of dedicated time is way too long. People are busy and Anita’s right about that taking a lot of energy. I’d have to turn that down if I were dating someone that asked that of me, too, because I have neither the time in the day nor the energy. I think you also shouldn’t assume that he doesn’t miss you in the way that you do. He could miss you just as much or more and just not show it. A lot of men aren’t very vocal about their feelings. They tend to internalize them, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there. So I bet he’s right… if he shows how he feels in the 3D world, it likely WOULD be better if you lived together, and it might be worth seeing your relationship through for it to get to that point, as long as he treats you well and you’re compatible overall.

Anyway, seeing a therapist will likely help a lot. I’ve seen one regularly for the past couple years and have been able to heal a lot of pain from my past and it’s helped me through situations in the past couple years that I might not have handled well if I hadn’t had the help. Talking to someone really helps you gain a lot of perspective. I would recommend it to anyone. The key is to find a therapist that you connect with and really feel good about talking to, so don’t be afraid to switch if you don’t find the right one at first.

Dear Tee:

I will be glad to learn more about you and share with you what I think may help you from what I learned in my experience with an excellent psychotherapist that I’ve seen for over two years, 2011-13, and from that time onward. It will take time, but if you are willing, I am.

If you want to share with me more about the relationship between your parents, please do. Share not how you interpret that relationship now, but what you saw/ heard/ felt about their relationship back then, when you were a child.

Also, did your mother, who was loving to you, noticed that you were distressed witnessing her relationship with your father; did she try to change that relationship so that you get that safe feeling that every child needs?

(if you reply, I will read and reply to you in about 12 hours from now).

anita

Dear Tee:

When as children we feel unsafe, uncomfortable, miserable, lonely, unattended to, for a long time, this emotional experience does not change as we become adults. Instead, we keep re-living the same emotional experience of childhood.

This is your current emotional experience: “This year going on our 4th year together.. it felt so sad, painful, and lonely.. sad or frustrated… I’m still feeling sad and lonely.. I just want to feel I guess warm  inside and feel safe.. make the pain go away”.

(The words  to which I added the boldface feature, are your current and childhood emotional experience).

More about your childhood emotional experience (you wrote this about your childhood): “I knew I was sad and wanted to help“- you needed help. A child wants to help a parent so to make the parent strong enough … to help the child.

“I remember trying to tell her (your mother) to stay strong and maybe fight back if she could”- you needed your mother to be strong and to fight back, because you felt weak and unsafe. You needed someone to fight the enemy (your father), so to make a safe home for you.

“Both my parents had to work at the time.. If she was late just 10-15 minutes coming home from work he would be very angry”- you were alone when they both worked. When your father was home with you, waiting for your mother, you were afraid of his anger, hoping there will not be a fight when you mother was back home.

You needed a safe, quiet home where one or both parents give you their time and attention, in a calm, loving way, to make you “warm inside and feel safe”, but there was none of that for you.

This unmet need for positive, calm attention is the reason why your need for your boyfriend’s attention is intense: “I told him to just give me at least one day out of the week to hangout and spend time… to text me more throughout the day.. 2 hrs of undivided attention“.

As a child, you “studied hard and did not question much since I didn’t want to give them another reason to argue”- you did your best to minimize their arguments so that either one, or both, will finally give you the positive attention that you desperately needed.

Regarding your boyfriend, you wrote: “I felt like I was the only one feeling, doing the most in the relationship with trying to make time.. He told me he realized as well that he wasn’t putting as much effort.. His response really hurt because I figured maybe it was a misunderstanding.. but it came to be true”- this parallels your childhood experience: you, as a child, made all the effort (examples: study hard, give them no trouble, take care of your injured mother) so to get your parents to  pay attention to you, to give you their time in positive ways, but they didn’t make the effort back.

You missed them/ needed them so much, but they didn’t miss you or need you back much; it is this lack of reciprocity that still hurts in the context of your boyfriend: “I felt like I was the only one feeling, doing.. trying to make time… I just miss him more than he does”.

You wrote: “I hope one day I can truly leave  this emotional self torment behind and be  happy”- this emotional self torment is your childhood emotional experience. To leave it behind, you have to bring it closer to your awareness and process it, meaning, to connect this “emotional self torment” to your childhood circumstances, and free your current life circumstances (particularly when you no longer live at home) from that emotional experience of childhood.

“I kind of repressed a lot of memories to be honest and it is a bit hazy”- you will need to express these repressed memories, this is what I mean by bringing your childhood emotional experience to your awareness: from repression to awareness. It will not be important to remember details and events, these may be lost. What is important is to remember how you felt then, to  connect your current feelings to your childhood, and free your adulthood from the same-old-same-old childhood emotional experience.

anita