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I’m subconsciously ruining my new relationship

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Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)
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  • April 11, 2019 at 4:08 pm #288795
    Mark
    Participant

    Sam,

    Frankly I think kissing someone is not cheating but that’s my view.  I would like to know more on why you kissed him.

    You are conscious it seems about what you are doing since you are sharing that with us here.  You can change your behavior since you are conscious about what you do and don’t do, e.g. replying to text messages.

    Insofar as the “why” you are sabotaging your relationships, look at your family-of-origin and how your parents are.  It seems like you have Fearful Avoidant Attachment – A person with a fearful avoidant attachment lives in an ambivalent state, in which they are afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others. They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to. They can’t just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings.

    Mark

    April 12, 2019 at 3:57 am #288841
    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Sam,

    I agree with Mark… I also don’t think kissing someone else at a party is ‘cheating’ either, not in a real sense.

    What is coming across to me here is that you are feeling extremely guilty over this incident, the one which led to the loss of the relationship.

    Now, in life, we all make mistakes. We are human and we fail sometimes. You are very young, and this was your first boyfriend?

    The only way to navigate through life is to learn by our mistakes. So, you made a mistake and now you want to punish yourself for it, because you want to somehow feel the pain that you inflicted on your first boyfriend. Meanwhile, he has forgiven you and moved on.

    So you are wanting this second boyfriend to be mean to you and think that if you somehow distance yourself, or wish that he would cheat on you, it would only be what you deserve.

    Do you think that, if this new bf actually does what you are wanting him to do that it will make you feel better about yourself? I can tell you now, that it won’t make much difference at all. Feeling better about ourselves actually comes from within, not from outside. I can understand why you want to push him away and make yourself suffer in that way though.

    All you really need to do is forgive yourself for that mistake you made (which wasn’t really the greatest crime, now was it?) You have learned a hard lesson in life and relationships, but you shouldn’t keep beating yourself up about it. Embrace this new relationship for what it is, and not because you want to, in some way, use this new boyfriend to punish yourself. Leave all the clutter of the past boyfriend behind you and let go of all that blame you’ve built up inside yourself and which is hindering your present life.

    You can’t change the past. You can’t change the future either. All we ever have is the moment we are living in right now. Let it go, stop thinking so hard, stop trying to punish yourself (and the new boyfriend – by getting him to react to a situation he has no knowledge of) and just enjoy this time with your new boyfriend.

    With best wishes,

    Jay

     

    April 12, 2019 at 5:24 am #288843
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sam,

    There are many reasons not to Kiss and Tell. Hurting another person needlessly is one of them. You see, you did not HAVE to tell him. In a few years you will see that a high school kiss (even when you have a boyfriend) is, in fact, nothing/”nothing”. Your old boyfriend “forgiving” you yet “never trusting you again” is giving you a head trip.

    Also, you would probably have broken up by now anyway. These summer romances between high school and college rarely work out.

    Enjoy your nice new boyfriend who probably won’t cheat on you.

    YOU DESERVE IT!

    Best,

    Inky

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