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I’m addicted to nostalgic feelings and it only makes me feel worse, I guess.

Homeā†’Forumsā†’Tough Timesā†’I’m addicted to nostalgic feelings and it only makes me feel worse, I guess.

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  • #378603
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear miyoid:

    I read only the beginning of your recent thread, saying that you are okay, good to read that! I will read the rest of your post and reply when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

     

    #378610
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    it’s good to hear from you! I am sorry you’ve got some doubts again, but it’s also okay you’re probing further, trying to get to know yourself better and better…

    I realized that all this stuff I thought I loved, I just love the outcome. For example, I thought I loved drawing, designing, handling business, communication, interpreting, video-editing, reading, languages. But Iā€™ve realized, I donā€™t like the process of doing those, I just love when I create or accomplish something.

    I am just doing what people want me to do, and I am in delusion about what I want.

    I wonder if this has something to do with the fact that the only time your mother showed interest in you and gave you praise was when you made money from your designs, as a teenager? She was happy about the outcome – more money for both of you – but she wasn’t particularly encouraging or praising your talent as a designer. I don’t know if this is true, but it occurred to me as a possibility.

    Do you remember how your mother reacted when you were little and e.g. made a drawing and showed it to her? Or any similar little accomplishment – was she there to affirm it and be happy about it and praise you for it, or she didn’t really appreciate it much?

    I guess your father wasn’t excited about your accomplishments either, because he was rather self-centered, if I understood well?

    About your boyfriend, well, try not to get attached to him and expect things that you know he cannot give you. Even now, he disappeared and didn’t reply to your message for half a day. His behavior hasn’t really changed, so if you can’t break up with him, the best strategy is not to expect anything and to be prepared to stop contact whenever he behaves in ways that are hurtful or neglectful. It’s great – and super important – that he doesn’t live with you any more, so whenever you don’t like something, you can retreat to the safety of your own home.

     

    #378625
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear miyoid:

    You are welcome. You shared that your boyfriend moved to another house weeks ago, and both of you adapted well to your new living situations. You sometimes appreciate living on your own, having your own space. You are still in a relationship with him, although it is not a defined relationship. Yesterday, he invited you to dinner for the next day. You figured that you cannot have dinner with him, but would like to send the night with him. You called him but he didn’t answer your call for almost 12 hours, and you figured that the reason is that “He was playing games and he probably slept, if nothing bad happened. Or maybe he is in a depressive state”. You were “not -that- anxious”, but anxious nonetheless, feeling hopeless and alone while other people around you have “some quality bonding with people they care about”. You wrote about yourself: “I am onto nothing, I am just doing what people want me to do”.

    Regarding career, you get involved with this and that, but you don’t stay with anything long enough to master it, being “all over the place, not able to decide which paths to take and which fields toĀ  invest my time in”. You shared that you suffer from “unstable blood sugar levels” that makes you tired all the time, and in your life, there is “no consistent relationship, no consistent field of work or interest. Nothing is consistent about my life besides being inconsistent. I guess the reason behind my depressiveness is that I have no goal. I cannot trick myself into wanting something bad enough to motivate me”. All your life you “wanted outcomes, not processes… too materialistic to believe in something.. too logical to invest my energy into ideology. Weird.”

    My thoughts today: it’s like the life was sucked out of you at an early age, and whatever little life was left ever since flickered here and there with this and that interest before being extinguished again, light out, dark again. I think that the life/ light went out when at one point on, as a child, you spent too much time alone, for too long, day after day, year after year.

    As social animals, the life we feel is in the emotional bonding we experience with others. We feel alive when we bond and connect. If you watch a dog, another social animal, when it sees another dog or a person, its tail starts wagging, and it proceeds to bond and connect with the other dog, or person- that’s the life that I am talking about.

    Having had much of life extinguished in me as well, I know from personal experience that you can get that life back, and your experience of living will significantly change as a result.

    anita

    #379640
    Arden
    Participant

    Dear Anita and TeaK,

    Thank you for your replies, it means a lot.

    She was happy about the outcome ā€“ more money for both of you ā€“ but she wasnā€™t particularly encouraging or praising your talent as a designer. I donā€™t know if this is true, but it occurred to me as a possibility.

    Do you remember how your mother reacted when you were little and e.g. made a drawing and showed it to her? Or any similar little accomplishment ā€“ was she there to affirm it and be happy about it and praise you for it, or she didnā€™t really appreciate it much?

    This makes sense actually. First, I couldn’t understand since I’ve always thought even when she was distant, she always wanted me to accomplish what would make me happy. She bought a computer for me when I didn’t have one, she wanted me to have my own room and decorate it/change it how I wanted to, with the little money she struggled to earn. She knew how to spend money for the ones that we love. So I’ve always seen her as a supporter of my dreams, vague dreams. I don’t mean that I had a dream but I had some visions, some stuff, or even some activities I wanted to enjoy. But back then, she also got angry because of me staying online for days, staring at the monitor for over 24 hours. She used to get up in the middle of the night, see me with the computer again, and rant about this as well. She was worried and she was like every other parent. However, she wasn’t with me all the time, so I had lots of time to spend with myself deciding on what I’ll do. She also saw me enjoying my time with the computer. I remember one time, it was again, the middle of the night. I was designing some stuff and it was really old, so it was like a game, I was just creating a page. And I was also listening to some stuff on my headphones and mildly dancing to it when designing. Suddenly she came and I saw her in a few seconds and then I got embarrassed and stopped. So she was able to see how I was enjoying my time for just a couple of seconds.

    I guess your father wasnā€™t excited about your accomplishments either, because he was rather self-centered, if I understood well?

    My father was always focused on what he thought that I should be doing, but then again, he knew that I wasn’t the best student. He just wanted me to pursue a career where I’ll be comfortable, and where I’ll be paid well. He is/was a good teacher, but not a good father actually. I remember the times when I used to go stay with him after their divorce and I had to prepare myself for minutes and minutes before I ask if I could use the computer. He used to make me do all the homework, all the extra work for my courses during those years. And since I wasn’t near comfortable communicating staying with him, I used to stay at my mom’s house most of the time.

    About your boyfriend, well, try not to get attached to him and expect things that you know he cannot give you.

    I guess it’s too late and now I have to work on this as well. The other day, he was in a crisis again, and another friend of his went to his home to help. Then we broke up for a couple of hours. I thought I could handle it, but then since I couldn’t say the words, he said them. He did it because he thought it was the best for me. However, after making it clear, I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle being abandoned again and I lost all my will to live, again. After a couple of hours me crying and being miserable, he wanted to spend the night together so I could be better. Then we did, and it was nice. Ever since we’ve been a bit better, it was only a week ago.

    Dear Anita, I want to believe that I can get the will back as well. And I can feel it sometimes since I’m not stable in terms of emotions, I feel amazing at once and then I can be suffering, wanting to disappear. Even dying seems unendurable since it requires existing first. So I know that I can feel that will to live, that will to feel. But it only happens when I feel safe. And I cannot feel safe without him.

    But when I feel safe, I feel like I can make everything work. In the past two weeks, I’ve started practising yoga every day. I was able to do it every single day with some flaws, but doing my best feels right. So that’s good news for my consistency problems.

    #379643
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear miyoid:

    Good to read from you again. A week ago, there was a break up, you thought you could handle it, but then, you lost all your will to live. After crying and being miserable, he came over to spend the night with you and you felt better. The relationship has been stable for the week since.

    Like I suggested to you before, it is clear to me that you suffer from a separation anxiety disorder. When you anticipate separation, or you are experiencing a separation from a person you are emotionally attached to, you experience and display excessive fear and distress, lots of crying, etc., as if the world just collapsed and death is upon you.

    Earlier, you described your anxiety about separating from your mother at a very early age: she used to put you to sleep, but the moment you realized she was no longer there with you, you went looking for her. It happened night after night after night. You still have trouble going to sleep at night.

    In the first and beginning of second year of life, in any child’s mind at that age, the child and her mother are the same person, so when the mother disappears.. the child feels that she too disappeared. Fast forward twenty years, you anticipate separation from this man, or there was a breakup, he disappears from your life for a moment, and in your mind- you disappeared too, because you and him are the same person. Rationally, you know that the two of you are separate people, but emotionally, you don’t yet know that.

    If you had an emotional understanding that you and him are two separate people, and he (the object of your attachment) disappeared, you would be anxious but not excessively anxious, because you’d know that .. you did not disappear, you are still alive and okay.

    I am glad to read that you did yoga for a week, yoga is one of the ways to manage anxiety. You can read about more ways to manage adult separation anxiety in wikihow. com/ 4 ways to manage adult separation anxiety disorder.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by .
    #379650
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    it’s interesting what you’ve described about your sleeping habits as a teenager – you’d often stay up till the middle of the night, working on the computer, having fun, and then your mother would suddenly wake up, burst into your room and scold you for staying up so late.

    It’s kind of a reverse of what was happening when you were a baby ā€“ your mother would put you to sleep and leave, and then you’d wake up soon after and went looking for her. This tells me that as a baby or a young child, you didn’t have a deep, peaceful sleep, and it’s maybe because your mother was in a rush and didn’t want to spend too much time putting you to sleep, just wanted to get over with. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons you felt rejected? Because of that, maybe you were afraid that she’d abandon you? You couldn’t sleep peacefully, deeply, but were anxious, and this contributed to your waking up soon after she’d put you to sleep?

    If so, going to sleep for you might have caused anxiety and fear that your mother would abandon you. Perhaps that’s why when you were older, you’d rather stay up late, so you don’t have to experience your mother “abandoning” you. You felt safe when your mother was sleeping in the next room – that’s when you could relax, feel good, be creative, and enjoy.

    Now you say something similar about your boyfriend: when he’s there with you, you feel safe, and when you feel safe, “I feel like I can make everything work.” When heā€™s not there, you feel like “wanting to disappear”. As Anita said, itā€™s probably related to your mother who rejected you on some level (e.g. didnā€™t enjoy time spent with you), which you made you feel undesirable and not wanting to live.

    When you were a teenager and your mother came to your room in the middle of the night, upset that you’re up so late, it was, as you say, a normal parental reaction. She was rightfully worried and upset, there was nothing controlling or abusive in her reaction. But this entire habit of yours of staying up late might have been caused by the early sense of abandonment that you felt when she would put you to sleep in a rush, not spending enough time with you, and not appearing like she’s enjoying the time spent with you.

    Do you think this might be true and relevant for your separation anxiety?

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.
    #379724
    Arden
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’ve read the page on wikiHow and there is a part that got me thinking. Exposure Therapy. It says that we should practise staying away from our loved ones. Right now, there is just one person that I’m afraid of losing and I’m constantly being exposed and then something happens and then we get together again. For example, he just texted me that he wants to stay alone for some time, and told me to take care of myself. That was it. So this can also be a goodbye message, but he can also text me again hours later or days later. He has never left me without any communication over 12 hours, he always wanted to know if I was doing okay or he wanted to stay in contact. He always wanted to make me feel safe and okay, no matter what happened. My point is, I am now away from the only person I can feel safe with and how am I supposed to practise this when I’m constantly being triggered? I guess I just have to learn it the hard way. In the past, I’ve never felt safe with anybody. The former relationships I’ve had never made me safe as he did, the people always behaved in a way that I would feel triggered by this fear. The first boyfriend always talked about some other behaviors from other girls he’d like, he made me insecure about lots of things and he used to break up with me a lot, so I got used to feeling triggered all the time. Then the second one was having affairs all the time and I used to feel that, but I had no proof whatsoever. But with him, I was able to feel safe for one year. But since that year was over, he started to get depressive more and he also started to trigger my fear.

    I don’t know if he would leave me for good this time, but I know that I would be triggered again and again since those safe times are over now. He was depressive again, I’ve tried to make him feel good but it just doesn’t work. He feels alone, even when I’m trying to help him. I guess he wants me to connect more, understand more but I’m nowhere near empathic as him. I’ve got another online appointment with a psychiatrist during my breakdown days ago, but I’ll have to wait for 40 days.

    I don’t know what will happen. I guess I’ll be doing my yoga practice with lots of crying today.

    Dear TeaK,

    Itā€™s kind of a reverse of what was happening when you were a baby.

    It’s interesting that you’ve noticed this, and the fact that I’ve mentioned these two reverse feelings/scenes. Maybe it’s related, I’m not sure. But I can accept that I felt safe enjoying my time on the computer when my mom was sleeping in the next room. The same thing happened with this boyfriend of mine. When we were staying together, he used to sleep in my bed or in another bed in another room, and I felt so safe knowing that he sleeps peacefully. If I knew that he sleeps right now, at his own house kind of away from me, with the info that he is still with me and he’ll be okay, I guess I would feel safe again.

    It’s weird that everybody that I’ve cared for or tried to felt safe with has this one common thing. They all triggered my fear of abandonment sooner or later with their behavior. Bus terminals, roads, and airports have always made me upset. The concept of leaving someone, someplace, or even some object has always made me upset. I don’t want to be narrow-minded or I don’t want to diagnose myself ignorantly but this can also be about the Anal-retentive personality Freud talks about. I have just one story about wetting myself in the night and I guess that was years and years ago when I was a little child. And from what my mom has told me, I’ve got up, realized that I’ve wet myself and then I’ve got angry with myself and ranted to myself asking over and over “What you’ve done!?”. I don’t remember how my mom treated me during the toilet training. I don’t remember any harsh treatment but as this phenomenon explains, the treatment during the toilet training has huge effects on the psychology of the child. If it’s harsh including getting mad or not corresponding well to wetting oneself, then the child may have problems letting go of both people and their stool resulting in chronic constipation. I don’t want to find excuses for my inability to let go or feel neutral when I am alone mentally, but I guess I’m just trying to expand my comprehension.

    While I was writing all these, he texted me again reproaching me about how we couldn’t understand his misery. We, as the people he’s surrounded by. Maybe that’s right. I just couldn’t understand him but I am here, trying to stay in his life cause I feel like I have no other way than this to feel neutral, good again. Maybe I’m just seeing the situation from my viewpoint, with my triggers and fears unable to understand his misery and this behavior only makes it worse for him. I just want us to endure life together, I know that life is hard and trying to endure is one thing everybody tries to do. You just try to endure the bad days, and then you try to make it better and better. But I guess he just wants to give up and he wants to do it alone. The fact that I don’t accept him giving up is the indicator of me not understanding or hearing him.

    #379725
    Arden
    Participant

    It’s weird that there are lots of people trying to free themselves from their parents, someone else, even from a culture or its norms. There are some people trying to be free. But I’ve always been free from the culture, from my family, from the people. There was nothing holding me back from anything other than me, my appearance, or my own fears. I’ve added appearance cause I was overly insecure about it during my teenage years and it got me away from people a lot. I felt like someone who cannot be loved by anybody. I needed someone, a boyfriend maybe.

    My point is, while there are those people trying to get free, I’m here trying to get less free. I guess I’ve never wanted to feel free, feeling free or being alone with your own decisions made me feel more lost than ever. I would be freer if he left me. But that would also make me suffocate in some aspects.

    Also, I remember some friends being guided or even dragged to hair saloons for waxing private parts like armpits and pubic areas. But being fed up with my sisters’ behavior in the past, which is not letting my mom wax her unwanted hair during the first phase of being a teenager, my mom didn’t try to wax or drag me to any saloon or something. I guess she asked to pluck my eyebrows once and since I reacted a bit bad because I was hurt, she didn’t try again. And I was left alone with my unwanted hair. I don’t know you’re familiar with this but in some Asian/mid-east cultures, shaving with a razor is not acceptable that much. It’s said to increase the unwanted hair and worsen the areas. But I was unable to wax it myself, too shy to ask for a saloon to do it or ask my mom to drag me to a saloon, I’ve shaved. And I’ve continued doing it, again and again, thinking that I’ve done a terrible mistake and now there’s no turning back, I cannot show my pubic area or armpits to anyone.

    And then someday, while we were getting dressed for the gym class in primary school, a girl from a conservative family asked about my armpits. Then she reacted to the fact that I’ve shaved them. She warned me to never do it again or it would make it terrible. I remember feeling envious with a bit of rage towards her. I was angry because she didn’t have to make this terrible mistake since her mother helped her wax or use an epilator even if it was painful and I had to live with this terrible mistake. She got everything under control with her mom being a guide to her even though she was overly conservative. I thought I won’t be able to get married in the future, cause my terrible mistake should never be seen by anyone. I’d have to spend my life alone, and I was even kind of okay with this. I remember accepting this fact as it is.

    Those feelings existed till I understand that it was okay to shave, have some problems with your body. And I was relieved with a pinch of self-pity. The feeling of relief didn’t last much, but the self-pity part got bigger in time.

    #379729
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    It’s weird that everybody that Iā€™ve cared for or tried to felt safe with has this one common thing. They all triggered my fear of abandonment sooner or later with their behavior.

    It’s actually not weird – you’re attracted to people who trigger the fear of abandonment in you, because they remind you of your mother, who was the first person who triggered that fear in you. We’re always attracted to people who remind us of our parents, so we can finally get from them what we didn’t get from our parents. You’re hoping to get a sense of security and commitment – something you didn’t get with your mother.

    If your mother wasn’t “committed” to you, if you felt she’d leave you while you’re asleep, it could be the reason that triggers the fear of abandonment. Your boyfriend isn’t committed to you either, he might leave you at any moment, in fact it seems he would like to leave you but worries about your reaction, and that’s why he checks upon you from time to time. Do you perhaps feel that your mother would have liked to leave you, but couldn’t because you were her daughter and she had an obligation towards you? Is such notion somewhere in the back of your mind?

    If so, it would explain why you also get depressed and feel unlovable. The child reasons that if our parents don’t really love us and only take care of us because it’s their duty, then we must be unlovable and worthless. It must be our fault. And we live our lives with the notion that we’re unlovable… and it makes us want to disappear.

    And from what my mom has told me, Iā€™ve got up, realized that Iā€™ve wet myself and then Iā€™ve got angry with myself and ranted to myself asking over and over ā€œWhat youā€™ve done!?ā€. I donā€™t remember how my mom treated me during the toilet training. I donā€™t remember any harsh treatment

    Has your mother scolded you for other things (not necessarily related to toilet training) with words like “What have you done?!” Because it sounds like something you would hear from an adult and then repeat it to yourself when you feel you did something wrong.

    And I was left alone with my unwanted hair.

    It seems you felt abandoned in that matter too by your mother, even though your mother did it because she had a bad experience with your sister and didn’t want to force you to go through the same torture. You were envious of the girls who had their mother’s help during their teen years. In this instance, your mother doesn’t seem to have treated you badly, since she didn’t want to put you through unnecessary stress (waxing the armpits and the bikini zone is much more painful than shaving!). However, you still felt abandoned by her, and that’s probably because the abandonment happened much earlier, when you were a baby.

    One of the reasons could be that she didn’t spend enough quality, bonding time with you as a baby. Perhaps she was always in a rush when feeding you, she didn’t play peek-a-boo with you, she didn’t have time for a bedtime story, or was in rush to read you one… all in all, that the emotional bonding didn’t really take place as it should have, and you felt rejected and abandoned by her. Do you think this might be the case?

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.
    #379731
    Tee
    Participant

    P.S. And I want to stress this: it’s not your fault that your boyfriend wants to leave you. He is incapable of a committed relationship and is struggling with his own issues. The fact that he isn’t committed to you has nothing to do with you being unlovable or undeserving of love.

    Similarly, it wasn’t your fault if your mother behaved in a way which made you felt unwanted and rejected. Perhaps she was busy, stressed, didn’t get emotional nurturance from her own mother – there could be numerous reasons. But it’s not your fault. There’s nothing wrong with you. You deserve to be loved fully and completely!

    #379732
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear miyoid:

    Regarding the current guy/ boyfriend: you had an undefined relationship with him for some time in 2019, then he went to study abroad for six months (the two of you talked every single day during that time), then at the beginning of 2020, he returned to your country and moved in with you. He moved out about a year later, in April 2021.

    On July 20, 2020, you wrote: “I (22) have a boyfriend (22), but then again, I’m depressed more than ever and I’m hopeless”- by July 2020, while living with him, you were depressed more than ever.

    Today, you wrote regarding the same guy: “with him, I was able to feel safe for one year”-

    What I understand about the year when you were “able to feel safe” is that (a) when away from his physical presence, you felt safe when talking to him on the phone, for as long as his words or tone of voice didn’t sound to you like the threat of him disappearing from your life. In between phone calls, you felt okay until a thought occurred to you that he didn’t call you soon enough, or some other thought about him leaving you.

    (b) when in his physical presence, you felt safe for as long as his words, tone of voice, facial expressions and actions did not sound/ look to you like a threat that he will leave you. You felt safe when you were up at nights at the computer, knowing he is asleep in the next room. The moment he said something or expressed an emotion or an action that meant that he might leave you, you felt anxious.

    All in all, you felt anxious most of the time of this relationship. At times, your anxiety was so high (the breakdowns you mentioned) that reuniting with him felt like a huge relief, the safest feeling ever.

    It is also my understanding that your severe separation anxiety started when you were a very young child and existed ever since, no matter who your object of attachment is. This current guy just happened to be the current object of attachment.

    He is not healthy emotionally, but no man who is emotionally healthy will be willing to live a life centered around your anxiety, calling you as often as you need him to, talking to you on the phone and otherwise for hours and hours, for as long as you need to, never saying anything that may worry you, never appearing distressed, etc.

    It is your severe separation anxiety that has been disrupting your life in very significant ways, putting your life on hold (more than Covid has, more than the economic situation in your country)- it needs to be managed and healing needs to begin.

    anita

    #379758
    Arden
    Participant

    Itā€™s actually not weird ā€“ youā€™re attracted to people who trigger the fear of abandonment in you, because they remind you of your mother, who was the first person who triggered that fear in you. Weā€™re always attracted to people who remind us of our parents, so we can finally get from them what we didnā€™t get from our parents. Youā€™re hoping to get a sense of security and commitment ā€“ something you didnā€™t get with your mother.

    Dear TeaK,

    Honestly, I don’t see it. I feel like I genuinely tried to feel safe with whomever I came across. I feel like I’ve tried everything, I was not limited to a kind of people, I was just looking for people that would be able to understand me. When I see that a person cannot communicate with me, I lost interest. Is this the problem? I don’t know. But I can say that I have no standards other than this. I just want to be understood, like the rest of the people.

    Do you perhaps feel that your mother would have liked to leave you, but couldnā€™t because you were her daughter and she had an obligation towards you? Is such notion somewhere in the back of your mind?

    My mom loved us like any other mother would do. But I know that she’s seen children as something that would hold people back. Therefore, she never wanted us (me and my sister) to be mothers. And I don’t think that we would ever have children. So, I don’t know, maybe that’s right. She would never leave us, but if she didn’t have us, maybe she would be able to break up with dad and have a new life where she is able to make her own decisions sooner. With us, she had to wait for a while, and then she broke it off years and years later.

    Has your mother scolded you for other things (not necessarily related to toilet training) with words like ā€œWhat have you done?!ā€ Because it sounds like something you would hear from an adult and then repeat it to yourself when you feel you did something wrong.

    That might be the case, my mom used to be hard on children, like if someone is behaving spoiled. She didn’t like spoiled children. And I wasn’t a spoiled child, so it was maybe nice. I don’t know.

    Perhaps she was always in a rush when feeding you, she didnā€™t play peek-a-boo with you, she didnā€™t have time for a bedtime story, or was in rush to read you oneā€¦ all in all, that the emotional bonding didnā€™t really take place as it should have, and you felt rejected and abandoned by her. Do you think this might be the case?

    She was working hard and trying to raise us, do all the responsibilities at home as well. Maybe that’s why she didn’t have much time. Thank you for your reply, I can agree with you at those, that I deserve better stuff from people. But my emotions don’t work like my logic. It’s so easy to be caught by a thought loop and then it makes me suffocate for hours and days. I was able to do my yoga practice today with a delay of 10 hours, I guess. It didn’t help that much but maybe I should start with some breathing exercises as well. I am currently reading a book on yoga/meditation and the spiritual sides of the elements written by a yogi. I can either try to believe in what he says, or I can find all the words and concepts as nonsense. It’s hard to grasp some stuff when you’re reading about spirituality. He tells about how some elements can be out of balance in our bodies and how it does affect us. For instance, if someone’s air element is not in balance, then that person might have some troubles with flatulence. This kind of sentence makes me even more skeptical.

    #379759
    Arden
    Participant

    It is your severe separation anxiety that has been disrupting your life in very significant ways, putting your life on hold (more than Covid has, more than the economic situation in your country)- it needs to be managed and healing needs to begin.

    Dear Anita, I will be trying the breath exercises whenever I feel like my anxiety shows up. Also, the men I’ve mentioned in the last post, also wrote that If we can take control once the emotion/anxiety starts, then we’ll be able to go back to a normal/neutral state in 90 seconds. I don’t know if I believe this, since I cannot see any scientific proof, but I’m willing to try. I have been crying a lot in the past 2 days, and I know it doesn’t help me. The more I cry, the more I get involved with those thought loops. It hurts a lot and I start to think suicidal thoughts. I would never commit suicide because I would never be able to do that kind of stuff to my mom, and others. But not existing seems more peaceful to me in those moments. It makes sense more, then I won’t have to live with this pain and struggle with all the things we’re faced with. Living is a hard thing, especially when you have to do all the things yourself. Finding trust, finding peace, and also being able to make a living. Also, confrontation is pretty hard as well, I don’t know if I’ll be sentimental when I’m with my mom, I’m planning on visiting them for some time in 20 days. I’ll probably get sentimental and run to the bathroom to hide that. I know I won’t be able to handle that kind of confrontation.

    #379760
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear miyoid:

    I will reply to you further in about 10 hours from now, but for now: I wish that soon, you will not suffer anymore. You suffered too much for too long. Imagine “finding peace”, like you wrote. Peace is what you deserve.

    anota

    #379768
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    I’ve checked the beginning of this thread, page 1, and there was a quote Anita pasted about something you said in June 2019:

    ā€œIā€™ve had a childhood where I simply didnā€™t receive any love from my dad and momā€™s love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappearsā€¦ emotionally and physically abandoned by both of my parents several times. I was left to live with one parent and then left with another when theyā€™ve got divorced. I always felt the need to depend on someone but I couldnā€™t find anyone so I have always kept my feelings to myselfā€ (June 2019).

    Your mother’s love was unpredictable, and your were emotionally and physically abandoned by your parents several times. That’s what caused your fear of abandonment. You say you don’t see the connection between your choice of boyfriends and your mother, but reading your words from June 2019, the connection is very clear.

    Your mother’s love was unpredictable, exists and then disappears – same as the love of your present boyfriend. You never know when he’s going to have an episode, when he’s going to want to leave you, when he can be there for you, etc. And he’s abandoned you not just emotionally (with his inconsistent behavior), but also physically – he moved out and doesn’t live with you any more.

    My mom loved us like any other mother would do. But I know that sheā€™s seen children as something that would hold people back. Therefore, she never wanted us (me and my sister) to be mothers. And I donā€™t think that we would ever have children.

    Your mother doesn’t want you and your sister to have children, which is because she didn’t like having children. Children are something that was holding her back. That’s one reason why you feel rejected and unwanted. You felt you were an obstacle and a nuisance to your mother. You believe you prevented her from being happy, from leaving your father earlier, from making her own decisions. That’s how the child blames themselves for their parent’s weaknesses.

    In earlier threads you spoke about your mother ignoring her own problems in her marriage for a long time and enduring the harassment of your narcissistic father, who even forbid her to visit her own father. She only left him after her father died and she didn’t have the chance to say goodbye.

    It’s not your fault that your mother was unhappy – she was unhappy because she couldn’t stand up for herself, and she allowed your father to harass and control her. Probably she also tolerated him not helping with the children or the household, leaving everything on her shoulders (She was working hard and trying to raise us, do all the responsibilities at home as well. Maybe thatā€™s why she didnā€™t have much time.)

    I believe you said earlier your mother had a full-time job. And also, that your father was rather stingy and didn’t want to spend on the family, but only on himself. I imagine your father wouldn’t allow to pay for help in the household to unburden your mother, and he wouldn’t help her himself. So your mother was left alone with all those responsibilities, which clearly made her frustrated and also made her see you, her children, as a burden. But none of that was your fault. Rather, it was the fault of your parents – your selfish and self-centered father, and your submissive, enduring mother.

    You said that when you later complained about your problems, she would downplay them, she didn’t think your problems were problems at all, because she endured much harsher things. She minimized your pain, as being nothing compared to hers. She didn’t see you, didn’t understand you. And I believe it’s because she refused to deal with her own pain, that’s why she didn’t have compassion neither for herself nor for you. Now she has compassion for cats and abused animals, while probably still having no compassion for herself or you.

    I just want to be understood, like the rest of the people.

    You want to be understood – somethingĀ  you never received either from your mother or your father. I also believe you want someone who is committed to you, who won’t abandon you, and who doesn’t see you as a burden. Your mother wasn’t really committed to you emotionally – she was physically, but she was burdened by you and your sister, and that’s why you felt unwanted and in danger of being abandoned.

    Your boyfriend is the same – he cannot really commit to you and sees you as a burden. But he’s better than your mother in one thing: he’s able to see you and understand you. That’s why you’re holding on to him so badly…

    Are you able to see the connection between your past and your present?

     

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