Dear miyoid:

“I feel an emotional transformation“- this sounds very good to my ears!

“I realized that when something bad happens, not related to me at all, the other person gets upset. That’s totally normal, but I feel responsible. I feel uncomfortable, I feel like I am the reason for that bad thing somehow.. .. I start to feel like I am not wanted there, I feel like he doesn’t like me anymore“- this must have been how you felt when your father got upset, while you were visiting him. It is normal for a child to think and feel this way.

“I know that I am not but my mood suddenly changes, and I don’t feel safe anymore“- afraid of what your father was going to do to you next. As adults, without an emotional transformation, we keep feeling and thinking and acting and reacting the same as we did as children.

“After realizing it the other day, I tried to control myself. Even though my partner was upset, not related to me again, I tried to keep myself calm and comfy, as the problem was not mine“- excellent!

“The real transformation, however, happened yesterday. I know that people say things like ‘be nice to the kid inside of you’ and so on. I never did that because I am still that kid, I feel like that. I feel vulnerable most of the time. Last night…  I found him in the street and he was angry at me… I just didn’t accept him being angry at me, as we went inside the place I was calmly explaining and asking. ‘Why did you get angry with me, did I do something wrong? No. Why then?’ Asking this 2-3 times sobered him a little and he accepted I was innocent, he was like a little cat owning up, calming down and accepting what I say. He obeyed what I said. It was like I had another ‘myself’ in me who protected that little kid. This has never happened like this before, I thought about this a lot before I slept yesterday. I felt different”-

– so far, I read part of your post, replied to it, read the next part, replied to it etc. It is now 12:17 am your time and I just read the paragraph right above for the first time (and not for the last part)- A M A Z I N G!!! This is miyoid taking charge, miyoid the adult- not just physically the adult- but mentally and emotionally: initiating, taking charge, and he rightfully obeying,  agreeing with you and changing his feeling and behavior as a result.

Mentally and emotionally, you are no longer solely a child: you are also an adult (“another ‘myself’“): calm, rational, fair, in charge; no longer passively submitting to others, but assertive, powerful!

miyoid, you made my day, I am THRILLIED!!!

anita

Dear miyoid:

“I can feel guilty for not helping, being a slave to him but I know that’s not rational. So I try to correct that feeling“- this is what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is about: correcting feelings by thinking rationally.

“mom tries to help me in that regard. She told me that I was a good kid… All the compassion I’ve received was from my mom“- she did help you. My mother repeatedly told me that I was a bad kid, the worse. Too often, there was hate and no compassion in her words and behaviors toward me. I can see how your mother was different from mine.

You wrote regarding your father’s abuse: “I ignored all of it because I knew how hard he was brought up… never loved in a genuine way and always praised for external status. … And now I see that I was doing more than what I had to do by being so understanding. A child shouldn’t be that much understanding to their parents“- exactly! For so many years, decades, really, I invested my time, my thoughts, my feelings: all of me was invested in efforts to understand my mother: how hard her life was, how terrible her childhood, how much she suffered…  And all along, it was as if I didn’t exist in my own life, as if she was Everything and I was… nowhere to be seen, or heard.

“I have a different point of view here, I think he wouldn’t dare to jeopardize the persona by behaving students badly. I see narcissistic features all over him“- your point of view is the correct one. Yes, it makes sense that being narcissistic, he was invested in a persona/  a mask.

“My mom had to get 5 abortions before me, and this was all my dad’s fault…“- I got angry at your father reading this, very angry. And I felt empathy for your mother. In the past, when I read about your mother,  I projected my negative experience with my mother into yours, and therefore,  I was inclined to interpret your mother’s behaviors negatively. Now, I can see that my projections were inaccurate. Now, I view your mother much more positively and empathetically than I did before.

“After all those years, dad got sick. And he had to have 10+ operations around the bladder…“- almost reads like karma, doesn’t it.

“I was living my teenage years silently“- no more living your life silently!

“I was afraid to communicate… I didn’t know how to express what I want, I got scared and I felt like I didn’t have the right to ask for more“- it is time (and you have the right) to communicate, to express and to ask for more!

“I always knew my ground…I got used to staying on the right place, respecting the other person’s boundary silently and not asking for much thanks to my dad.. I feel incredibly scared towards my relationship. I am very dependent.“- it is time to explore another ground, another country, to no longer stay in one place;  to no longer set your life aside so to accommodate another person’s preferences… to set yourself free, best you can, from your father’s abuse!

“I received an email from the migration office. Migration office accepted the company’s request and now they will wait for me to apply for work permit…  Dreaming, thinking, planning“- I like reading of a dreaming miyoid, voicing her dreams, planning, taking action… exciting!

“Thank you for appreciating me Anita! Thank you!“- you are welcome, miyoid: you are very worthy of my genuine appreciation!

anita

Dear miyoid:

I wish you didn’t feel selfish for writing here, not more than I feel selfish for writing here (I don’t): you are an asset here, not a burden!

“Something got into me. If I would have beliefs, I would say that the evil eye did it or something… .. Even when I overshare or share the normal amount of information about myself, I started to feel like they could harm me or their thoughts even, can harm me. I must never let anybody get jealous of me, my job, or my relationship or get the wrong thoughts about me“-

– I studied the Evil Eye belief this morning: it is the belief that someone can purposely give you bad luck by simply wishing it on you or by giving you an angry look. The idea is that if you experience any success, of if you are happy or if your positive attributes show (beauty, intelligence, etc.), someone will feel envy and give you the evil eye, and your happiness, positive attributes and success will be undone. Therefore, many people hide their positive attributes and success and make sure they look unhappy so… to avoid the evil eye.

It is true that people feel envy: from an early age, if a child has a toy that another child doesn’t, the one without the toy may get angry and snatch the toy away! But notice, the envious child does not snatch the toy away with his thoughts or with an angry look. He/ she snatches the toy away with his hands and arms! Similarly, there are adult crimes in real-life that are motivated by envy.. but again, the crimes are done not by thoughts or an angry look, but with hands and weapons. In regard to crime, I can’t recall a single violent crime reported in the news that was motivated by envy: crime is often motivated by other powerful emotions and by a crime mentality involved in criminal endeavors, such as extortion.

No one’s thoughts, or the way they look at you can hurt you… unless you believe that it can: if you believe that a person’s thoughts or the way the person looks at you can undo your success, you get very anxious as a result of this belief. Next thing, you are driving anxiously, inattentively and you get into an accident. It is not bad luck or a curse that caused the accident: it is the anxiety that is responsible for the accident. In other words, it is the belief in the evil eye concept that is the problem, not the concept itself. If you didn’t believe in it… it would have no power over you.

bbc. com/ the strange power of the evil eye: “In essence, the curse of the evil eye is not a complicated concept; it stems from the belief that someone who achieves great success or recognition also attracts the envy of those around them. That envy in turn manifests itself as a curse that will undo their good fortune”- lots and lots of people who achieved great success and recognition are successful and recognized decades after their initial success… not because no one was envious of them.

life science. com/ evil eye: “The evil eye is well known throughout history. It is mentioned in ancient Greek and Roman texts, as well as in many famous literary works, including the Bible… The evil eye is essentially a specific type of magical curse, and has its roots in magical thinking and superstition. Let’s say that a person experiences bad luck, ill health, accident, or some unexplained calamity — perhaps a drought or an infectious disease. Before science could explain weather patterns and germ theory, any bad event for which there was not an obvious cause might be blamed on a curse… Curses, including the evil eye, are an answer to the age-old question of why bad things happen to good people…

“It is tempting to view the evil eye as an ancient, discredited belief that plays no role in our 21st-century world. Instead, as folklorist Dundes notes, we ‘should keep in mind that the evil eye is not some old-fashioned superstitious belief of interest solely to antiquarians. The evil eye continues to be a powerful factor affecting the behavior of countless millions of people throughout the world” –

– miyoid, I hope that you will no longer be one of the countless of millions of people in the world who are harmed by believing in this untrue belief!

“I even thought this contamination of mine could’ve happened because I told an old friend about my work permit application earlier yesterday before I got that bad. It was like, she had the wrong thoughts and that contaminated my mind“- the belief that the friend’s thoughts or the way she looked at you could give you bad luck is.. untrue, but the belief itself causes you a lot of distress and suffering.

“Yesterday, after working well for a couple of hours, I felt exhausted… and the thoughts were all attacking… and I was suffering… I was too tired to control my mind, self-sabotaging thoughts… I even wanted to cease to exist, cause it was painful to be there, be anywhere“- if you removed from your brain the belief in the evil eye, bad luck and curses, you will have way fewer thoughts attacking and sabotaging you.

“I also realized something yesterday, I am skeptical about everyone and everything. I feel good with my BF cause he is honest and he doesn’t exaggerate stuff. But when I listen to somebody, I always know that they might add, omit and exaggerate the stuff they’re telling. I guess this is tiring“- good to read that you can trust your boyfriend to be honest. On the other hand, many people do add, omit and exaggerate, and it can be very helpful to be aware of this fact and to remain aware. Try to limit your distress in regard to this topic by thinking: how can this particular person’s adding/omitting/exaggerating hurt me? If a person is trying to sell you something for a lot of money, better consider all the ways he/ she may be adding, omitting and exaggerating. If on the other hand, the adding/ omitting/ exaggerating person is just talking to you, on a train ride, let’s say, it is a matter of no consequence to you, no use stressing over it. You can excuse yourself and.. sit elsewhere, if you have that option.

anita

Dear miyoid:

You are welcome. I wish I could smell the perfume you will be creating (or already created).

“I actually am not afraid of the evil eye, the curses, or even bad luck“- good thing! “I’ve worked on myself and set some boundaries regardless of how challenging it was… I still feel guilty because of those boundaries, but at least, I am kind of used to them right now“- congrats and keep getting used to the boundaries you created!

“I limit my interaction, I realize how I let anybody get in and influence the way I think in the past, and also now“- we have to limit (or eliminate) our interactions with people who influence us negatively.

“I feel grateful that I have somebody in my life that provides me with the ability to observe myself, and my thought habits without harming me“- it’s the least that we should expect from anyone (family, friend, boyfriend) with whom we choose to spend time with: that they let us be, that they don’t harm us!

“I’ve realized a lot, even though I am very slow“- not as slow-low-low as I used to be.

“I still feel that I am at risk with him…  like I can be judged, and abandoned“-  your fear of being judged and abandoned is weaker (most of the time) than it used to be, isn’t it?

“I feel resentment and jealousy towards people who can act recklessly. Maybe I’ve stressed that before. People can actually react in bad ways, or good ways without being afraid. That’s not fair“- yes, you did mention this before: jealously at others who are not as afraid of being judged and abandoned, others who are therefore comfortable to .. just be, being without that restrictive fear.

“However, I’ll be forever working on myself regarding this“- this is the amazing, successful miyoid that I know!

“I am still worried that my foreign job thingy since it can risk my relationship, but I’m trying to hold onto my sanity“- a worried person can still be a sane person: keep that worry in check. Good to read back from you, and looking forward to the next time you post!

anita

Dear miyoid:

Thank you! I am sorry to read about your rental situation, this is depressing! The rental/ housing situation is depressing in many countries nowadays… and landlords’ greed takes over.

“When I was about 6-8 years old, I was constantly crying and depressed… When I told this story, which I only told you, and now him, not even the psychiatrist I saw since I couldn’t handle it, he hugged, tried to comfort me but nothing else…  I felt so alone, meaning he wasn’t that much of a support. I actually wanted him to say stuff like, ‘you can always move in with me’, ‘we’ll do it together’…  2-3 days later.. he supported and said, ‘if it all comes to there and we cannot find a solution, you’ll move in to my house.‘ I was relieved, and then I moved on thinking about solutions with a more calm mind… I am so dependent on his emotional support, and words”-

-what a story: as I read it, I myself felt relief when he said what I boldfaced above! Maybe at first when you cried, he didn’t say anything to you because he is in the responsible habit of thinking before he says anything; in which case, you can trust him to follow his words with action, when his actions are needed.

Try to not be so scared about your dependence on him. We are all dependent, really, simply because by nature, we are social animals. The very nature of social animals is to depend on each other. He depends on you too!

I hope your lips heal soon: 4 cold sores are… 4 too many! (I had cold sores since I was a teenager.. they get much better over time: smaller and less frequent).

anita