Hello,

This is my first time posting here.

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, together for 12. We’re both 31 years old. No kids, 1 dog. We lived with my parents.

On our wedding day, I didn’t feel the excitement/happiness that I supposed to feel as someone who’s about to get married. I brushed it off as anxiety. 6 months into our marriage, I started to feel I married the wrong person. But I’ve made the commitment, and he’s a nice guy, so I tried to brush it off again. I tried to focus on his positive side. But the thought keep coming back. I’m unhappy, and unsatisfied with our marriage.

I would say our relationship is more like a mother and son relationship, or a friendship, rather than husband and wife. I cater to his needs, show love and affection towards him, etc. I did everything to show I love and care for him. But he never do anything in return. For example the 5 love languages, he never do any of that to show that he loves me. When you love someone, you will show it, one way or the other, you will find a way, to let him/her know. You will want to make them happy. But he doesn’t do that. I’m the one who always do everything for our relationship. I can’t count on him, can’t depend on him. I can’t even ask for his opinion or make a decision. I’m exhausted. I never get the affection and love that I need. I feel like I do everything myself. I keep giving, but not receive anything in return.

Our sex life is nonexistent. In 5 years, we had sex probably like 10 times, 15 tops. Last time we had sex was 1.5 years ago. I’m the one who initiate most of the time, which actually not that many times. He even rejected me several times. I’ve asked him about this many times. Why he never ask for sex. He said no reason.

I realized I marry him for wrong reasons. We were young, we didn’t know who we are, what we want. I did love him, but only ‘enough’, not because I’m in love and crazy about him. I trusted that he will never cheat or leave me. He’s my companion, and he’ll listen to everything I say (I wasn’t very close with my parents, and having someone I can talk to was important to me). But that’s all. And now I feel I was ‘settling’ with him. We both want different things in life, we enjoy different things. We’re just very different people.

I talked to him about these problems on February, first time I mentioned these. I said that I’m thinking of getting divorce. He refused of course. He said he will change. I talked to him several times after that. Still no improvement. No sex, no intimacy, no act of love. The only thing he does is occasional forehead kiss before he goes to sleep (when he thinks I already asleep), that started since December, the last time I talked to him.

I’m always the one to start these talks. We rarely speak now. So he knows we have a problem, but he never addressed it. He never ask what’s wrong, what he can do to make the situation better. I know he wants to change, but he never change. In short, he knows there’s a problem but he does nothing. It’s always like this, for every aspect of his life. He doesn’t want to separate. He said he love me (but he never show it. And ‘love’ only is not enough for a relationship. I’ve tried it for the past 5 years). He said he worries how people will think of me as a divorcee. We live in Asia, and in my small city, people still think divorce as a failure. I couldn’t care less. I only care about my happiness. I once asked him, how would he feel if his daughter was in my position, would he ask her to stay? He said no. Then why he won’t divorce me? He must be miserable too. We don’t talk or laugh like we used to. I’m cold and distant towards him. I didn’t treat him as a husband anymore, or in the way that he deserve to be treated. I’m sorry but he hurt me too much.

I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling alone in a relationship. I want to feel loved, wanted. Even watching my parents holding hands makes me sad. He never hold my hand while walking. Watching movie with kissing and sex scene breaks my heart. I never felt that. Never felt the hot kiss and hot sex. Staying in fancy hotel makes me sad. I’m supposed to have sex with my husband in a nice hotel. Instead we’re just like travel partner. There were days when I would cry just thinking about this. I felt stuck. But I feel better now. This may sound silly, but one of my deepest fear is to be stuck with the wrong person when I’m old. Just like how I feel right now. I don’t feel any desire for him. I don’t feel excited for any future with him. I can’t imagine us being intimate or having sex anymore. I think it would be awkward. I’m miserable. And I can’t imagine being in this situation for 30 more years, unhappy married to him. I’d rather single than be alone in a relationship.

I know part of our problem is I didn’t communicate about my feeling earlier. Heck, we should’ve talked about this before we got married. Then we would realize we are not compatible.

I think I’m looking for some validation? That we should just separate, we are wrong for each other. I still care about him. But I also lost respect for him. I can’t keep opening my heart and give him chance, if he does nothing about it. It’s a waste of time and energy. The only way I can be happy in this marriage if he change and do everything I want him to do. But then I would change him into something he’s not. Not to mention it’s too late for me. He hurt me too deep.

My friend said I shouldn’t separate unless I’m 100% sure I won’t regret it. I can say I’m 80-90%. How can someone be 100% sure with decision like this? In making any decision, there must be a little chance that you would regret it, but you take the chance anyway, no?

I’m sorry if my story is too long and difficult to understand. English is not my first language. Thank you for reading.