Home→Forums→Relationships→I want a divorce
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Anonymous.
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January 7, 2020 at 8:24 am #331835
AnonymousGuestDear rosie:
Reading your post, based on what you shared, I am 100% sure that you should divorce him, except if divorcing him means that society (“in my small city, people still think divorce as a failure”) turns against you and puts you in .. a divorcee- prison, or kicks you out of wherever you live so that you are cold and wet in winter, or any such thing.
Is there .. any such thing?
anita
January 7, 2020 at 10:01 am #331853
rosieParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your response. Thankfully there is no such thing. People will walk about me and my family, but that’s all. Divorce is not common in my city. And people see divorce, or children from divorce as a bad thing. But I don’t care any of that.
Rosie.
January 7, 2020 at 10:36 am #331861AnonymousGuestDear Rosie:
Then I see no reason for you to remain married. Why not aim at a better life? No reason to keep paying for a mistake when you don’t have to.
The two of you don’t have children, you don’t own property together, if I understand correctly. Go about it wisely, so that it is the least difficult for you. Make a plan how to achieve a divorce in the least difficult and complicated way. If you want to draft such a plan here, please do. Also, you know, or you should know the legal aspect of divorce where you live. I am guessing you will need an attorney?
anita
January 7, 2020 at 12:43 pm #331889
InkyParticipantHi Rosie,
Will it be possible for you to find a second mate after a divorce? Because it sounds like that is what you want. How bad is the stigma over there?
Make sure you have your own bank account and job before calling a divorce lawyer.
Best,
Inky
January 7, 2020 at 10:01 pm #332037rosieParticipantDear Anita and Inky,
thank you for your inputs.
Anita, “No reason to keep paying for a mistake when you don’t have to”, that is exactly how I feel. Our marriage is a mistake, but I feel like I have to live with that mistake forever. To be honest, I don’t have any plan for now. My only plan is to convince him, my parents, and his parents, that we should separate. In my country, parents still involved in their children life. Convincing them would be difficult. They think we’re a happy couple with no problem. Since there’s no infidelity / abusive behaviour, they would think other problems can be fixed. Me being unhappy won’t be a good enough reason to be separated. They would ask me to give him more chances, to pray, to open my heart. But it’s just wasting time.
Inky, yes I want to find second mate after my divorce. There’s a possibility, although it will be hard. But I prefer to be single over stay in this marriage.
We keep our finances separate, don’t own any asset together. So hopefully the divorce process won’t be complicated. I will need an attorney later.
My main concern right now is to convince our parents, that divorce is the best solution for us. His parents would be shocked, they know nothing about this. And after my talk with him last night, I’m pretty sure there’s no future for us. He doesn’t think our lack of sex is a problem. And when I asked him to give me reason beside ‘what other people would say’, he said he hadn’t thought about other reason.
Rosie
January 8, 2020 at 6:06 am #331879
MiraParticipantHi Rosie,
First of all your English is good!
Your story breaks my heart as I was in a very similar situation before and I got out. I ended the relationship. I remember a time when I was still in that relationship, I was watching a horror film (I think that was Conjuring) when the lead actor and actress (husband and wife) hugged and kissed… then I cried!! In the middle of a horror film, I cried! It wasn’t even a hot kiss like what you wrote. That’s how miserable I was because my partner shows no affection to me at all.
We deserve so much better than that. I am now happily married to a person who, according to him, can’t imagine our marriage without sex. Unless it’s for medical reason or something. It’s like we have this sex metre in our minds that we know once it gets low, we would make an effort to get it up because we know it’s for our own benefit and for the good of our relationship. My point is, there is someone else out there Rosie. You can get the relationship that you want but not from him and you know what, THAT’S OKAY.
For me, get a divorce. Plain and simple. I know you’re still hesitant and whichever decision you make, there will be pros and cons. But right now, leaving him sounds like a better choice.
If you divorce him:
1. You’ll get a chance to get to know yourself (this is really exciting, this will make you stronger)
2. Yes, you’re gonna take a risk in finding someone better BUT based on what you wrote above, it’s more likely you’re gonna find the perfect one for you rather than you husband changing his ways.
3. You’ve done enough. You’ve tried enough. Forgive him and yourself and move on.Love,
MiraJanuary 8, 2020 at 8:57 am #332095AnonymousGuestDear Rosie:
You are sure that you want to divorce him and I am sure that you should because your account of this man and this.. supposed marriage is so horrible that it leaves no doubt in any reasonable person’s mind, that you should end it and free yourself.
In your society, a married woman wanting separation, has to convince the husband, and both sets of parents (“to convince him, my parents, and his parents, that we should separate”), but telling them all that you are very unhappy is not convincing enough. Both sets of parents need physical abuse or infidelity to be convinced.
Thing is he doesn’t beat you and he doesn’t have sex.. with any woman.
Question: is there any way for you to leave your parents’ home where you live and perhaps your country and live elsewhere?
anita
January 8, 2020 at 10:42 am #332105
MarkParticipantHi Rosie,
Life is too short to live in misery…. If it is beyond salvation, end it and move on.
Best of luck and I hope you can convince your parents that it is suffocating you to stay
Mark
January 9, 2020 at 2:07 am #332223rosieParticipantDear Mira, anita and Mark
thank you very much for your support.
Mira, it is too painful. I have to look away when I see a couple being affectionate, be it in movies or real life. I’m happy things turned out well for you. You deserve it. I hope my story will be the same too. And thanks again for your assurance. I need that.
Anita, I could move but my parents would be devastated. That would be my last resort, I suppose. I already talked to them about wanting a divorce. They were against it at first, but I think they’re more open to it now, seeing how he hasn’t changed in months. We’ll tell his parents soon. Hopefully they will be more understanding.
Mark, it is beyond salvation. I really want to cut my loss and move on. Thank you for your wishes.
Rosie
January 9, 2020 at 6:07 am #332241
NekoshemaParticipantIt appears you mind is made up, that missing 10% is the natural doubt of ending things. When you have to choose from turning left or right, you will have that nibbling “what if I went the other way” but it sounds to me you’re justified. You spoke with him, he said he would change, but doesn’t seem willing. I would consider a couple’s counsellor to work through things and try to transition smoothly, but it sounds wise to walk away, or else you will feel worse.
All the best to you.
January 9, 2020 at 7:57 am #332265AnonymousGuestDear Rosie:
Earlier you wrote: “In my country, parents still involved in their children life. Convincing theme would be difficult”. Today you wrote: “I could move but my parents would be devastated. That would be my last resort”-
– this means that it may not be difficult to convince your parents because if they don’t support you getting a divorce, you will have to move out and they will be devastated. Reads to me that your parents are motivated to keep you in their home and in their lives, so they are likely to be supportive of you getting a divorce.
anita
January 10, 2020 at 10:06 pm #332635rosieParticipantNekoshema, your explanation regarding the 10% really ease my mind. It is natural to have doubts. And the thought that maybe later I will regret my decision thinking what if I tried harder, but I believe this is beyond repair.
Anita, yes my parents are motivated to keep me in their home and their lives. I think they will allow me to get divorced later. But it will take time. And I don’t know how his parents will react. They’re less conservative compared to my parents, so hopefully they won’t make this more difficult.
Thank you Nekoshema and anita for your inputs.
Rosie.
January 11, 2020 at 7:03 am #332677AnonymousGuestDear Rosie:
You are welcome. I imagine your parents should have more power than his parents regarding your divorce because he and you are living with your parents, not with his parents?
I hope to read more from you as time progresses and your divorce takes place.
anita
January 13, 2020 at 12:32 am #333055rosieParticipantDear anita,
I hope so. He’s going to tell his parents after chinese new year, Jan 25. So 2-3 more weeks. I will update later how it goes. Thank you for your support.
Rosie.
January 13, 2020 at 9:04 am #333127AnonymousGuestDear Rosie:
You are welcome. I hope then that it will be a better new year for you, one where you will be free of this unwanted marriage. I am looking forward to your update!
anita
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