miyoid,

I read a lot of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” in your posting.  It sounds like you are conflicted with your behavior with how you actually want to be and feel.  Have you thought about having a therapist to figure things out within yourself and how to change it?

I am unclear what is the problem for you here.  It sounds like you are conflicted with your relationship situation between the FWB and this other guy.  You are conflicted between this problem and the idea of being by yourself and focusing on yourself.

Mark

Dear miyoid:

The following is a combination of two posts I submitted to you in June on your two previous threads. I think they are still relevant:

“You want love and you are afraid of being hurt again. The need for love, for affection is mixed with fear. ..– a young child cannot see herself except by looking at a mirror. The mirror is the parent.. If the parent consistently and reliably loves the child, the child sees herself as lovable and she thrives. If the parent doesn’t, the child sees herself as unlovable and she suffers.

Seeing herself as unlovable she sees the problem as her needing love, and she tries to not need it, seeming “like a very rough, emotionally unavailable person”, but she keeps needing love because she is human.

When the child grows up into a woman’s body and it is now expected to team up with a man, and men show interest, she gets into sort of relationships with men. She doesn’t know much about love, except for how much she needs it and doesn’t want to need it.. so when a man shows a sexual interest in her, that is as close to love as it gets for her and she thrives on his attention. She temporarily thrives and then the anxiety takes over.

Maybe the man cares about her beyond sex, but how can she know… She is not sure, she doesn’t know. Then the relationships end and the loneliness resumes full time, no love and no appearances of love”-

if you think this is relevant to your new thread, let me know.

anita

Dear miyoid:

You wrote back in June: “I crave the affection, not the person”- this is a recipe of disaster for a young woman. Over the years, a woman who craves affection unselectively from men, ends up with unplanned pregnancies, STDs and/ or increasing despair.

It is most important that you select a man wisely before engaging in a sexual relationship with him, so that you can count on the affection you crave to continue, because you have learned that this particular man is a decent, honest man. One you can trust.

Having read that you never shared with your parents how neglected you were by them because you don’t want them to feel badly. I think that if you interact with your parents a lot but hide this most significant part of your experience with them, you are betraying yourself, no less than they have betrayed you.

You mentioned their intent- never mind their intent- you really were neglected or abandoned. Let them know.

anita

I crave the affection, not the person.

Dear miyoid:

You are welcome.

“I have to be able to create that affection by myself and not need it from anyone else”- your quest is impossible. Reptiles don’t feel affection for others of their species, or for humans because they are not social animals. Dogs and people are social animals, so we feel affection for others. A dog will not be wagging its tail if it is not expecting to be interacting/ socializing with another dog or human. Affection takes place in the context of social interactions.

You are afraid to express your true emotional experiences with your parents, fearing that your true emotions will hurt and anger them, leading to a confrontation. You are afraid to hurt your father and lose him: “I can even lose him”-

-this is what children/ adult children do very often- fearing to lose a parent’s approval, even life- we choose to lose ourselves instead.

anita