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  • #367205
    aetharyn
    Participant

    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Hello everyone. At this moment I feel a little lost, hope someone will help me with this.</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I’ve been in a relationship for a year. At first, things went well. Our parents know each other and our relationship was a total surprise to everyone. I confess that, in the beginning, my boyfriend was on a more “advanced” level than me. I never had a boyfriend who was so intense and caring. Often surprised me with flowers. My relationship with his mother was very good. In fact, he has an extremely strong relationship with his mother and the fact that I got along very well with her was very good for him. In our conversations he even talked about marriage and one day he asked me to live with him and I went. During the week we live in our house, 2 hours from our hometown. On Friday evening we return (me, to my parents house and he to his parents house), to spend the weekend. And then we return to our house on Sunday. The whole family gets along well but earlier this year things started to change. He always told me that he never had many experiences in relationships (this is the longest he had) and that this situation is very new to him. Although he is very outgoing person, very friendly with everyone, he is a person who also needs a lot of personal space. In June, this year, things changed more… He had 2 months in layoff and returned to the company (a job he hates). When he was with his cell phone by my side watching the social networks, I noticed that he looked for a specific girl. On Instagram the same… And that week he was super cold with me. I know he didn’t talk to the girl or meet her (he met her once only a year ago). After I couldn’t stand it anymore, I asked him if everything was ok. He said yes, but he kept distance from me. We had another conversation in which I said that if he didn’t feel well in the relationship (because all this was new to him), then it was better to follow different paths. He said no, and that he wanted to be with me and it was all just a phase. Things got better. A month later, I picked up an extra cell phone I have and had borrowed him a few months ago. When I turned it on, I saw that the browser Chrome was connected to his account and I saw his activity that day at work. News search and one of sex ads (only one page). I didn’t know his account was there and I confronted him. He swore he didn’t do it. Probably someone at work accessed his account. Despite the discussion, we decided to continue. He said that sometimes he needs his space, and that all this (the relationship) is new to him… </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I made a reset on the cell phone and kept it (I thought I did correctly).</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Things went on well until, once again, I saw that he searched that girl again. I asked him if he was interested in her. He said no, that was nothing. It was just to see how she was doing. Everything went on. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>At the beginning of this month, we went on vacation for 2 weeks. Everything was perfect. Super gentle and caring with me. We moved to a new house and he went back to work. He continued affectionate but one day when we were intimate, he was super rough with me, as if he doing it with someone else. That day he had researched another girl several times and then sent her a friend request on Facebook. I kept my distance from him and he noticed. He realized my attitude towards him and then removed the friend request.</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>On a Saturday weekend, I was with him at his parents’ house. I didn’t even wanted to be there because I wanted to give him space. Whenever he is not well, I see that he has this pattern of wanting to see other people. I had dinner with him and his parents and went back to my parents’ house. He sent me a very different good night message. Super distant and cold. As my phone was having some problems, I turned the other phone back on and saw that I hadn’t made a complete reset. I saw the Facebook and Messenger icon there. When I opened Messenger I saw him having a conversation with a girl (he had met her before me, on Tinder). He said that he had really enjoyed meeting her. He also asked her if she has been doing a lot (sex). I freaked out and confronted him. He called me right away (his voice full of fear) that someone had hacked his account. I told him not to lie but he would say the same thing again. He asked me not to leave him, that he loved me very much, that girl was nothing. I was the woman in his life and it was me he wanted to marry. The next day, after I insisted a lot, he confessed that he had started that conversation and felt very ashamed. He apologized, that there was nothing with that girl, but that he couldn’t explain why he was having that conversation. He told me he has a dark side he didn’t like to talk about. He said that he got used to be alone for a long time, without relationships and was normal to have conversations like that. This long relationship thing is new to him. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>After an hour his speech changed. Here I realized that he had told his mother. He was aggressive, accused me of spying on him and invading his privacy.</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He asked me not to tell my parents that we would work things out between us. After many doubts, we were still together. But his mother changed a lot with me. I asked him if he had told his mother and he swore he hadn’t. One day I had to confirm this. I know I shouldn’t have, but I checked his cell phone and I saw that he was constantly talking to his mother. She kept asking him my reactions and telling him how to act with me. This is unfair… I feel like I’m in a game against two people… She told her son that she was no different with me, that I was being paranoid… In other words, she wants him to believe I am an unbalanced. She tells him not to leave his phone alone. She tells him to create distance from me. Do this, do that… Because she knows the reaction I’m going to have and we’re going to argue… I want to try to be smart and turn “the game” against her… But how do I do this? I feel that my self-esteem is so low… I’m going crazy with this situation… What can I do?</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Thank you! And sorry for my poor english!</span></p>

    #367256
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aehtaryn:

    I will be able to read and reply to you when I am back to the computer, in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

    #367257
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi aehtaryn,

    I feel like I’m in a game against two people….I want to try to be smart and turn “the game” against her… But how do I do this? I feel that my self-esteem is so low… I’m going crazy with this situation… What can I do?

    You want to turn the game against her? I hope you leave the game instead! This guy’s totally untrustworthy! If he’s contacting other women only one year into this relationship then he’ll continue to do so for many years to come. This is who he is. Are you willing to settle for a guy like this?

    I think I counted at least 3 times he’s lied to you. It doesn’t matter how caring he was at the beginning of the relationship or how many times he brought you flowers. How many more lies will it take before you realize that it’s time to move on and find a decent, trustworthy guy? Zero, I hope.

    Leave this guy.

    B

    #367261
    Ayu
    Participant

    Hi aehtaryn,

    I just saw your post and all I could think about why are you not removing yourself from such toxic people? There is no need to play game. You should get away from such people before you completely lose faith from relationships. No one deserves less than love. You must have had good times, but If he is already considering talking to other person and not thinking how it would affect you when you will find out then it means that he is not on the same page as you are in the relationship. This pandemic has already left us feeling uncertain and scared for future. You should keep your healthy and mentally strong. That cannot be done with him on your side. Take your time to give a final thought. My suggestion would be to leave and be happy. Do it for yourself.

    #367262
    aetharyn
    Participant

    Hello,

    Thank you all for your replies. Thinking better, yes there is no need to play a “game”.

    I am still in the relationship because he apologized and asked for a second chance. He said he is willing to change. This is his “dark side” (he don’t like to talk about) taking over. He was so ashamed by everything that happened that I think I should give him a second chance. We all make mistakes and I think everyone deserves another chance. Am I thinking bad?

    I am getting help now from meditation and books and this is comforting me. I am trying to work on myself and my self esteem. I want to be confident and independent. Loving myself is the best I can do now.

    His mother is the problem here… Because I am sure she thinks it’s my fault because I invaded his privacy and she is the one trying to turn his head. I saw his first reaction and was completely different from the attitude next day (after talking with her). I bet she said “It’s not your fault my son, she should had never spy on you”… Something like this.
    She will not get into me, I am stronger than she thinks. It bothers her that he is still with me, so she is playing her little game. I don’t care what she thinks.

     

    Thanks!

     

    #367264
    aetharyn
    Participant

    Oh sorry and another thing I must say…

    He had only one conversation, this one recently. With the other women he was just checking, didn’t talk to them. That is true. He said that to me and I know it’s true because I saw it. I am not apologizing him, just to clear this fact.

     

    thanks!

    #367271
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aetharyn:

    First, I will re-write your story with quotes from you, and after that I will offer you my thoughts:

    You shared that your parents and his parents knew each other before your 1 year relationship with your boyfriend started. You wrote about your boyfriend’s relationship with his mother: “he has an extremely strong relationship with (her)”. At first and for some time, you got along very well with his mother, and that was “very good for him”.

    In the beginning he was “so intense and caring. Often surprised me with flowers”. At one point the two of you lived together during the week, spending the weekends separately at your respective parents’ homes. He told you repeatedly that his relationship with you was new and the longest he ever had, and that although he is “very outgoing person, very friendly with everyone, he is a person who also needs a lot of personal space”.

    Last June he was laid off from work and returned to a job he hated. At that time you noticed that he was looking for a girl on social media. During one week, “he was super cold” with you. You told him that “if he didn’t feel well in the relationship… then it was better to follow different paths”. His reaction: “He said no, and that he wanted to be with me and it was all just a phase”.

    Things got better, but a month later, you looked and found out that his cell phone activity at work included a  search for sex ads. You confronted him about it, and he “swore he didn’t do it. Probably someone at work accessed his account”. Later on, you found out that he searched on social media for the same girl as earlier.

    At the beginning of September, this year, the two of you went on a 2-week vacation, “everything was perfect. Super gentle and caring with me”. Following the vacation, the two of you moved to a new house and he went back to the job he hates. “He continued affectionate but one day when we were intimate, he was super rough with me, as if he doing it with someone else”. On that same day he sent another girl a friend request on Facebook.

    Later on, you found out a conversation he had with a girl he met on Tinder, telling her that he really enjoyed meeting her and he “also asked her if she has been doing a lot (sex)”. You confronted him and he, sounding “full of fear”, told you “that someone had hacked his account”. You told him “not to lie”, but “he would say the same thing again”, asking you “not to leave him”, telling you that he loved you very much and that “that girl was nothing”, that you are “the woman in his life (that) he wanted to marry”.

    The next day he owned up to that conversation with the other girl, told you that he “felt very ashamed”, and explained that “he has a dark side he didn’t like to talk about”. He told you that “he got used to being alone for a long time.. and (it) was normal to have conversations like that”.

    Later on you found out that “he was constantly talking to his mother”, that he told his mother that you were “spying on him and invading his privacy”, and that she kept asking him about your reactions, and “telling him how to act with” you. You noticed a negative change of behavior on his mother’s part toward you, he told her about it, and she told him that her behavior with you was not different from before, and that you were “being paranoid”. You believe that she wants her son/ your boyfriend, to believe that you are unbalanced. She told him not to leave his phone alone and to create distance from you, “Do this, do that”. You believe that “His mother is the problem here… she thinks it’s my fault because I invaded his privacy and she is the one trying to turn his head.. I bet she said ‘it’s not your fault my son, she should had never spy on you’, something like this”.

    After all that, you are “still in the relationship because he apologized and asked  for a second chance”. He said that “he is willing to change”, that “This is his ‘dark side’ (he don’t like to talk about) taking over”. You wrote that you want to give him a second chance because he was “so ashamed by everything that happened.. We all make mistakes and I think everyone deserves another change. Am I thinking bad?”

    And now, a few of my thoughts at this point, with your quotes:

    You wrote about his mother, “She will not get into me, I am stronger than she thinks. It bothers her that he is still with me, so she is playing her little game. I don’t care what she thinks”-

    – “She will not get into me”: his mother already got into you, but even more so, she has gotten into her son a long, long time ago. There is no woman more powerful in a boy’s life than his mother, and if a mother is very controlling/ dominating of her son’s life from early on (“Do this, do that”), and still while he is an adult, and for as long as he allows her to be, then she is the most powerful woman in his life forevermore.

    – “I am stronger than she thinks”- she is way, way stronger, in her son’s mind and life, than you think.

    – “It bothers her that he is still with me, so she is playing her little game”- it is not a little game, it is a big game that you are underestimating. Plus, I don’t know if it bothers her that he is still with you. Maybe she wants him to be with you.

    – “I don’t care what she thinks”- even if you didn’t, he cares what she thinks.

    His “dark side” of which he is ashamed, looking for sex ads, having rough sex with you that time- that may be his angry side, angry at his mother’s dominion over him.. his rebellion against her power in his life.

    If you would like to, let me know what you think, and we can continue to communicate on the matter.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by anita.
    #367273
    aetharyn
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

     

    thank you so much for your reply. It’s very interesting your point of view and it makes a lot of sense… Normally the men’s relationships towards women’s is based on their relationship with their mother, right?

    He knows he has this “strange side” that he’s ashamed of. He says that, when he was alone, he used to think of not “normal” things. He is very private and this was a great confession from him, I think.

    You think maybe she wants him to be with me? This is so confusing… I am giving a new chance to him but if another thing like this happens, I’ll quit.

     

    thanks!

    #367277
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aetharyn:

    You are welcome. “Normally the men’s relationships towards women is based on their relationship with their mother, right?”- when the mother is present in a boy’s life and she is the one who interacts with the boy the most, then yes. And when a boy’s relationship with his mother is significantly sick, that sickness plays out in the man’s relationships with women in his life.

    “He knows he has this ‘strange side’ that he’s ashamed of. He says that, when he was alone, he used to think of not ‘normal’ things”- I think he needs serious psychotherapy. He needs to look into that “dark side”/ “strange side”. He can’t have a healthy mind or a healthy relationship when a dark/ strange side is part of who he is.

    “You think maybe she wants him to be with me? This is so confusing”- I doubt that she wants him to have a relationship with a woman that is better than his relationship with her. As long as there is trouble in his relationship with you.. she is guaranteed that he remains confused and receptive to her dominion, is my thinking.

    “I am giving a new chance to him but if another thing like this happens, I’ll quit”- I think that he needs way more than a new chance with you; he needs serious psychotherapy, so that he can free himself from his mother’s dominion. I don’t think there is anything you can do to free him from her.

    anita

     

    #367280
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi aetharyn,

    We all make mistakes and I think everyone deserves another chance. Am I thinking bad?

    No, you are right, we all make mistakes but I don’t believe that what’s happening here are “mistakes”. I think this guy has a serious character flaw that will prevent him from having an honest and healthy relationship with anyone. I believe that your low self-esteem coupled with your strong desire to have a “happy ending” with this man are distorting your  perception of this situation.

    I also understand how difficult it would be for you to end a relationship that you’ve invested a whole year into and that you believe is headed toward marriage.

    If you had a younger sister whom you love very much who was in your situation, what advice would you give to her?

    B

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