Hey anita

I used to be like that before, many nights before going to sleep i would think of what i have and i would feel grateful and happy. Not anymore though 🙁

Today was a sad day full of ruminating but now i am calmer. How was yours?

Glad your day was better! 🙂
Haha, before all that, i wouldn’t even notice a “calm” day, my life is constantly on edge. Hmm, i’m grateful for a nice payday at work today and a calmer night 🙂

Makes me 😊 just to read from you, whether you’re grateful or not, whatever you feel.. it’s just good to read from you.

Hey Confused:

Exactly 12 hours since you posted last. How are you?

I think it’s admirable, Confused, that you’ll do the movie night even though you’re full-blast avoidant at the moment. Why your brain targets her for avoidance? Because.. she’s so loving and kind and that’s unfamiliar? (I just wrote whatever came to my mind)

Hey Roberta, i will check it out tonight, thank you very much 🙂

Hey anita

We ended up watching a movie and in the first 30 minutes i would keep checking in my mind how much i like her, if im bored, etc and i would get uneasy, but i think i let it pass. We ended up video-calling for 7 hours straight. We laughed a lot, we also talked about some stuff and i told her everything about my black & white thinking, about the avoidance when i wanna text her, she said she feels the same.. think i self-sabotaged a little, tried to push her away and i would realize that i was doing it. She also mentioned something about guys from her job sending her follow requests on social and i got a dry mouth when i heard about it. I think it was jealousy reaction.
Damn, she is exactly the kind of girl i would fall for (and i did but where is it now 🙁 ), the humour, the jokes, her laugh, the playfulness of her character. I don’t realize how everything just fly over my head and i can’t feel elated 🙁
I would also be annoyed by the fact that i wasn’t feeling like the last time in the videocall, which i know is not possible but i still hold such high standards.

Yes unfortunately we cant tell ourselves how to feel 🙁

Haha i like your analogies. I have to drop the expectations yes, but its like u tasted something good and now u want it back so its difficult.

Do i? I cant trust myself anymore. I mean, spending 9 hours in call with her easily and laughing a lot, discussing things, the old me would see that as a really good sign, but now? Its just not “enough” for me, ugh 🙁