For example: i stopped going to the gym because i dont feel the “pull” to do that, i don’t ride the motorcycle because of the same reason. I think getting out of bed is hard because of it too.

Hey Confused:

“For example: I stopped going to the gym because I don’t feel the ‘pull’ to do that, I don’t ride the motorcycle because of the same reason. I think getting out of bed is hard because of it too.”-

I think you wrote the above before you read my most recent post (double posting)-

It takes an adjustment, a balance in that Dead or Alive experience: appreciating the little moments of alive.

Anita

Well, Confused, I’m past the idea of romance= paradise= the Answer.

This woman you’ve been sharing about, she sounds special, loving, mature. Yet, she can’t be your paradise, no person can live up to that.

I hope I’m making sense at this time of late red-wine evening.

The feeling-alive, for me, happened when I reconnected to the part of myself that “died” long ago, but not completely. I gave her a voice, I let her speak, and this part of me is alive now. Right now, she’s alive.

Anita

Good 🌄 Confused:

Wow, not-so-confused, Confused: this is the most clear and insightful post I read from you!

Indeed, there is a big difference between knowing something intellectually, and experiencing it.

“How did u reconnect or find that part?”-

Like you, my few memories of childhood felt removed, as if what happened- didn’t happen to me. As if I wasn’t there. It was like a fragmented movie (isolated short scenes) that I was watching from a far: something I didn’t really experience.

It is only recently that it ocurred to me- in that experiencing vs knowing way you mentioned- that I was there. Before I felt no empathy for the girl that I was (because she.. wasn’t there). Recently, I felt empathy for her because I.. experienced her there, in the midst of the events happening around her.

It happened as a result of communicating with people on a deep level, like I’m doing with you right now.

Intellectually, I know it’s the undoing of the dissociation, shutdown, self-fragmentstion. But these would be clinical, diagnostic terms.

Above, I explained it in my own words.

💡 Anita

Hey Confused:

Yes, the dissociation and shutdown have been lifting. It’s a gradual process. I still struggle with feeling overwhelmed at times (like today I feel a bit depressed), but todays overwhelm is way-way-way less intense than yesterdays overwhelm. My feelings today don’t overwhelm me like they used to.. so, no need for a shutdown, I suppose.

Feeling empathy for my child self back then, feeling that I really was there- it fills in a gap within my psych, it’s a connection within that wasn’t there before.

I’ll be away from the computer for a while (a few hours) and be back later.

(using the computer, no emojis) Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

The words of a 🎵 come to mind: “Mama told me there’ll be days like this” (Confused: “today feels like hell…Damn, today’s been hard”).

I suppose it was a good mother having said that to her son (referring to the 🎵).

What I figure is that 🤔 Well, it was a bad-feeling day. There’re days like that. Mine wasn’t the best 😕 either.

Thing is, whatever you feel.. feel it, let it be. Don’t fight your feelings, don’t argue against your feelings or your thoughts. Tell your thoughts: ‘you say I don’t want her and I need to end things.. hmm, I hear you”- and that’s it. Witness your thoughts objectively, don’t drown in them.

🤔🎵💡🐇🌙 Anita

Hey Dear Confused:

“Life is so unfair”- yeah 🥺

“I also believe that whatever it is I’m feeling now, is what I’m gonna feel forever”-

I was feeling low today, but this evening (at the taproom), I listened to a man married for 50 years this September, talking about his wife’s chronic pain, a hopeless situation.

Only he expressed such a positive, uplifting attitude that I was inspired and felt so much better, for the first time today.

Imagine not analyzing your thoughts to death and instead, adopting a positive courageous attitude, a rising above?

💡🙏📱 Anita

This man married for almost 50 years- he didn’t seem hopeful for a better future. He just said he’s happy to go into a warm bed tonight (like not freezing), and I forgot what else he said..

– Not hopeful for a better future, but appreciative of the present here and now

Here and now (no emojis..)? 🐇📱🌙 Anita