Good 🌄 Confused:

You wrote 14 hours ago: “She is so loving/ kind towards me”-

Sounds comforting on one hand, but maybe unfamiliar on the other hand. What is new and unfamiliar can feel dangerous, simply because it’s unfamiliar.

“I felt a feeling of ‘obligation’ towards her… and now I have to keep up the same way forever”-

Young Confused, the 👦 Confused felt an obligation to keep up something, a vigilence perhaps, managing others’ emotions perhaps, a very difficult job for a boy..?

👦⏰️ Anita

Hey anita

But she has been loving/kind/caring towards me since summer, what changed in that specific day?

Yes i have been feeling responsible for “keeping the peace” in the house, not upset my parents or bother them because they might get moody and a fight could break out, not burdening them also. At times i felt “responsible” to give my mother relief on certain things too.

Hmm, the way you put it makes sense but why did that manifest now? Could it be because my nervous system feels “unsafe” so it doesn’t hold on to emotions? Or nobody else ever gotten this close to me before? Because with her i’ve shared everything, my fears, my weird thoughts, something that i’ve never done before with anyone else.

Yes i do care about her a lot and i think deep down i don’t wanna end things (at least this was how i was feeling a month ago, now everything is more numb). The thought of losing her forever and having to put her in “my past” makes me very sad and i cry instantly. I think of how special she is to me and how precious i would feel our connection before all this happened. But then i get angry at myself because where are those good feelings?

Therapist today told me that in the next session we will focus on the past connections and my relationship with my parents. She was taking notes of everything i was telling her and she highlighted the part where i said “i am either 100 or 0, all or nothing, i dont know in-betweens” and the “i’ve never missed anyone in my life”. Also i dont feel jealous of the girl now (well, i do a little bit) but maybe that’s a good thing? That means that i feel safe with her? I also gave her a list of all my compulsions and what i do that led me to discovering relationship OCD. Which in most people start with a thought “what if i dont love my partner?” or when the next big step is gonna happen. And i’ve had both the thought and the big step. I just wanna feel the same for her again 🙁

Welcome back anita!

The truth is, with her i felt the most seen/loved and cared for, even typing this my eyes get watery. But right now i can’t feel the “appreciation” for all those positives and i feel ungrateful. 🙁

I don’t really have much to tell her though haha. I was disconnected

I’ll reply tomorrow 🙂

Hey 👋 Confused:

I used the 🖥 right above, had it only for a few moments. Now, I’m back to my 📱, hence the emojis 🙂

I like it that your new therapist was taking notes of everything ✔️

The fact that you shared everything with her (your gf): your fears, your “weird” thoughts- that’s very meaningful- you trusted her.

And then, that trust scared you because trust was not something you grew up with?

I am hopeful about your new therapy. Here, in this thread, I am like (an older) friend, not a therapist, just a person to think with, gently.

A personal note: I’m a bit excited for you, hopeful. And a bit romantic in that it seems to me that what you have with gf is special, precious, a real connection. And that’s why it caused all that shutdown and doubts-

Not because the relationship was lacking, but because it was wonderful.

✔️📱🌙🐇 (don’t know, I just like rabbits) Anita

Good 🌄 Confused:

“The truth is, with her, I felt the most seen/ loved and cared for, even typing this makes my eyes watery”- that’s emotion expressing itself.

Continued quote: “But right now, I can’t feel the ‘appreciation’ for all those positives and I feel ungrateful”-

You ignored or put aside the feeling you did have (that which caused your eyes to become watery) because your focus was on what you SHOULD feel but don’t.

So, it’s like policing 🚔 your feelings.

I wonder what it’d be like for you to pay attention to what you do feel, to those 💧 👀

In an earlier post yesterday, you wrote: “Yes, I have been feeling responsible for ‘keeping the peace’, not upset my parents or bother them”-

In that environment, a boy learns to hide those watery eyes so to not upset or bother his parents?

And the boy learns to focus on what he ‘should’ feel so to keep the peace in the home?

💧 👀 👦 Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

Yes. I do think those things (growing up in a violent home, living there till 22, managing yourself so to not disturb your parents and never expressing anger or sadness to them, or to anyone else) affect you today.

And I think it’d affect anyone with the circumstances you grew up with. No one can come out of it unaffected.

“I am focused on what I SHOULD be feeling”-

I have a question for you, Confused: did this focus help you at any time in the past, and if it did, in what way or ways has it been helpful?

🤔 Anita

Hey Confused:

Your first paragraph- it’s like I wrote it! It makes sense that we have or had this in common. We both grew up in violent homes.

Jealousy is another thing we have or had in common. I was obsessively jealous.

“I stopped getting this intense stomach cramp- like feeling. Could this mean I’ve reached a level of security and comfort in this relationship…?”-

Could be,yes. There’s something special here. Over time, the image of her as an honest, open, caring, mature and trustworthy woman comes to (my) mind.

“November- the birth of Confused”- ha-ha, Confused being funny 😁

“I’ve never learned calm love”- B.I.N.G.O.

This is It! This is the biggest insight coming from you (exciting for me to read)!

“I would always seek intensity… “-

Growing up, it was either feeling very low and numb OR intense, and the latter was way preferable? It was one way or the other?

😳 – 😅- 😳- Anita

Hey Confused:

“U mean the people pleasing or cutting people off? I’ve always found it to be weird when I would think about it.”-

It’s a normal reaction to an abnormal (weird) circumstance. I used to feel very weird until I realized that I adapted best a human can- to a very weird childhood that was imposed on me.

“Exactly, it would either be very low, almost no excitement for anything or very intense and of course intensity was more preferable for me, because this is the only time I would feel ‘alive’.”-

No wonder you got attached to feeling ALIVE. Nothing like feeling alive when feeling dead too much of the time.

Strange how a person (me) can live for so long feeling dead.

What if you can find a balance between emotional-death and emotional- ALIVE?

Like right now, I am listening to nostalgic music, talking to you, and I feel quite alive- because of the music and because I’m talking to you.

(Using the computer, so no emojis show up), Anita