Hey anita

i think my memories are scattered and some are buried, but most of them are definitely devoid of feelings.

Something weird happened today.We video-called for 5 hours, laughed a lot, enjoyed it very much. I was admiring her beauty and remembered how damn pretty she is. At some point i felt like i would throw up because of the strong feeling of affection i think?? (it wasn’t negative) I felt cuteness aggression over a screen, dunno how that’s possible. I wanted to kiss her through the phone badly.

She told me how she felt 2 weeks ago, she was trying to give me energy through texts even tho she wasn’t feeling it and this created pressure within her and it triggered her avoidant side. I told her that’s exactly how i felt in november-december-january. I felt pressure to give her the previous energy (which i lacked because of burnout probably), while simultaneously fearing i’ll lose her and that would make me feel pressured and also trigger my avoidance. I told her how i took it a day at a time while feeling “gut instinct” pressure and it worked..She told me that’s exactly what she does when her avoidance is triggered by closeness.
All in all it was very nice, but i still feel like something is bothering me inside and i can’t seem to find out what it is. Perhaps it’s the lack of trust in myself and my feelings and how wary i’ve become now.

Is it normal? i’ve never paid any attention to it.

Yes it felt intense at times, mostly during the whole video call. I felt excitement, connection and even passion.. Idk how that’s possible through a screen. I also made scenarios about us hanging out for days and i told her. So that’s an avoidant thing? Didn’t know.
The truth is i don’t trust myself now and it feels like something is “blocking” me? Something is “missing” ? Feels like even that is not enough proof for me. Maybe i’ve learned to only feel the infatuation/obsession and i have to re-wire my brain in a way.

What patterns are u seeing? I am legit asking because i wanna notice them too.

Also, at times, while i was glaring at her, telling myself how pretty she is, my mind would often say “but is she? is she pretty enough?” and momentarily the looks of her would get somewhat distorted, like i was looking at someone else. But after a while it would go back to normal. This kinda freaked me out but i tried to let it go.

* very ( not bery), Closeness, not Coseness
🤔

Hey Confused:

No, I didn’t imagine this person’s face would return to normal. Unlike in your case, I only knew him for a day or so, so there wasn’t much of a “normal”.

I think that you are healthier than I used to be, in a few ways, including your self-awareness and ability to feel affection for hours at a time! My affection in the past didn’t last that long 😳

I think that you’re doing better than you think-feel, or just better than I did ☺️

🤔 Anita

It wasn’t the same, Confused, but it sounds very similar. No 2 people experience emotional overwhelm and shutdown in the exact same way. No 2 people experience anything in the 100% exact same way.

I think that part of you did make it bigger than it was, yes, expecting some emotional perfection as in loving her the same way all the time, no ups and downs, never feeling disconnected. No one is.. emotionally perfect in these ways. Does this resonate at all?

Hey Dear Confused:

Well an unrealistic expectation will get you into trouble every time.

“Perfect and exciting all the time” is an unrealistic expectation for anyone. Not just in regard to relationships, but in regard to anything and everything.

There’s a saying based on a law of physics: what goes up must come down.

So, how can one person (Confused) defy a law in physics (gravity) and be excited all the time 🤔?

It’d be like throwing a stone up in the air and expect it to never come down.

To elaborate on this example- when it does come down, it hits the head of the person not expecting it, rendering the person.. Confused

🙂 Anita

I 👍 your ha-ha-s, Confused 🙂

When’s the next high?

Thinking 🤔

🤔

🤔

When you ..

🤔

🤔

🤔

Yes, when you relax 😌

When you become okay 👍 with you being you.

When you feel grounded within yourself, that is, when events and people don’t unsettle you too much.

When the stone thrown up in the air can’t hurt you when it falls down, as it will- because you are a rock.

How’s that for an answer (only 12 minutes after you asked..)?

👍 Anita

Oh, Confused.. it’s so nice of you to say that 🙂

Yes, stop being demanding of poor Confused! He doesn’t need demands and pressure. He needs to chill, just like you said, to chill and enjoy the pasta you prepare for him 🍜

Be a warm ✨️ and composed kind of a rock 🪨

🪨 Anita