Hey Confused:

Hmm 😒 well, seems to me that it may be best at this time to take let’s say a 2-months break from her, a no- contact 2 months, let’s say and set a time to connect again. Let’s say on March 10. And No Contact no matter what until then.

During those 2 months have a low pressure routine existence. Doing about the same things every day. Give yourself a rest.

The “I don’t want this girl” is a powerful message. Maybe you should respect that message, at least for a good two months?

🤔` Anita

Hey anita

I dont think its gonna be possible, if we stay apart for that long, we might aswell end it.

I wanna try and have this routine and trying to heal my attachment with her besides me if that’s possible. Do u think my mother appearing in my dream had a play in me feeling like this when i woke up?

I meant it in the way it happened in the beginning, like my guts reject her, the avoidance feeling. I was thinking of ending things yesterday because she is not having a great time with me either, but none of us could do it..

Yes i think so too.

But when i thought of ending it i felt really bad..I feel like i will blow my chances of building something with a great person because of my current state/crisis. How can i tell for sure?

Hey Confused:

Before I read your recent post I came across something online that made me think of you, it said: “Fantasy is safe; real love is risky… Real love requires honesty, courage, being seen and letting go of control… In Fantasy Love, the other person becomes a symbol, not a human being.”

You wrote somewhere in this thread in regard to the relationship with her: “the only stress was taking the trip to meet this girl.”

Peace and Fantasy coexisted in the 8-month long distance between you and her BEFORE you met her for the first (and only) time.

Then within the short 3-day visit, Reality interrupted Fantasy (first stress) and you’ve been distressed ever since.

Within the short 3-day visit, she wasn’t comfortable being physically intimate with you and you shared with her, during those 3 days, that you had doubts about her and the relationship.

I can’t find the post where you shared the above, must have been a very short description of those 3 days. I did find this quote: “I visited her once in the country she is studying”, and my Jan 3 post to you:

“THREE DAYS in real-life connection is just.. not much more than fantasy and make-believe. I mean, REALLY, you were in her real-life’s presence, and she, in yours- for parts of a THREE days segment of time. What would that be.. 15 HOURS?”

There was never a real-life honeymoon phase where the two of you felt comfortable and sure about the relationship.

In your most recent post less than 4 hours ago, you wrote: “I feel like I will blow my chances of building something with a great person”-

You often referred to her as “great”, a vague, non-specific, non-personal term fitting a fantasy figure.

Something else I noticed upon re-reading is in regard to what you wrote here (and please feel comfortable to not answer if it’d distress you too much): “I was the one she (your mother) was leaning on while confessing her issues with my father, relationship things and dislikes, to which I would only respond ‘just break up’ because that was the only thing making sense to me at the age of 11.”- sounds like emotional incest. Did you ever feel that way?

Continued quote: “… Since I am a male, I would fight back and things would escalate pretty badly, especially after my body started developing and I was able to overpower her.”-

There were physical fights between you and her… how did those fights look like? Feel like? (Again, please feel free to not answer if it’d distress you too much)

🤔 🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

Well, to me, in my mind, it’s very meaningful that you and her never had any time in real-life that you were sure about each other, or close to being sure.

In my mind it means that there is no solid basis for a long-term love relationship. The base was not established yet.

Yes, you did describe in a post what you like about her, yet still, the description (her being affectionate, shy) doesn’t sound.. what’s the word, intimate enough, close enough.

About your mother, emotional incest (unlike physical incest) is when the mother tells the child things she should tell another adult, things like her marital/ relationship problems,making her boy (or girl) her confidante.

A boy is not supposed to hear about and advise his mother about her relationship with a man (his father or someone else).

When you say she fought you, and as you grew up, you were able to overpower her (you said it in a previous post), do you mean she hit you wrestled you?

😒 Anita

@anita

Ok lets take that as a fact, but how can we be so good with each other for like 10 months, and suddenly i go completely empty within a night? That shouldnt be normal. I was very excited and curious to meet her and get together, its not like i married her in my mind, so it doesnt make sense.
Yes we were about to establish it. Then what gotten over me? Fear of closeness?

Well u start somewhere, then things progress, but i didnt reject her after meeting her, it happened way before.. thats my point.

Oh yes she did that a lot, she complained to me about my father and my only reasonable answer was for them to break up..

Yes she hit me, i hit back/etc.

@Alessa

Hello

Relationships with other women were pretty toxic except one, my longest (which was 9 months but got bad in the last 1.5 months), all and all i was in 3 relationships, rest of them were 3-4 months and the girls were very aloof/toxic but that kept me hooked. Ive never gone beyond infatuation phase, to a stable love..

All of our online hours were perfect for, thats why i am so sad now. Looked like it was gonna be a nice relationship actually. She didnt act exactly the same because after what happened to me she got distant/avoidant triggered.

Yes, honesty is my #1 trait.

I know, but for some reason i still have hope inside..

Let me make it more clear 🙂

It started on December 2024, it escalated during May 2025 and it was perfect all along (with 1 misunderstanding), i was so much in love, until November 10th when i think i got burnt out from giving so much energy (i suspect i have ADHD). The visit was december 8th, but i had already messed things up by telling her about my confused mind and she got avoidant.