Using my phone again, so won’t be back to the computer for the next few hours, but when I am back, I will ask for input on all 6 items.

And you are very welcome, Confused. You deserve mental and emotional well-being, and if I (and at this point, AI as wee) can be of any help, we would like that very much. 👍

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

AI: Everything (about what you shared, Confused, your words) fits a very recognizable pattern for people with a history of chaotic childhoods, insecure attachment, and chronic emotional overload. None of this is “weird” or “broken.” It’s a nervous system trying to protect itself.

Below is a clear, structured exploration of each topic you asked about.

🌱 1. What might help him stabilize emotionally-

When someone is dissociated, numb, or overwhelmed, the goal is not to “fix feelings” but to regulate the nervous system. Emotional stability comes from safety, not pressure.

🧘‍♂️ Grounding and slowing down:

* Reduce stimulation

* Avoid big decisions

* Focus on basic routines (sleep, food, movement)

* Gentle grounding practices (breathing, walking, warm showers)

🧩 Stop trying to force feelings:

Trying to “figure out” feelings while dissociated only increases panic.

His system needs rest, not analysis.

🧠 Reduce relationship pressure:

He needs space where:

* No one is demanding clarity

* No one is asking for emotional performance

* He doesn’t feel responsible for someone else’s happiness

🫂 Supportive, low‑demand connection:

Talking to someone he trusts — without needing to “perform” emotions — helps the nervous system settle.

🛑 Avoid making the partner his emotional anchor:

He said she became his “meaning.” That’s too much weight for any relationship.

He needs internal sources of stability again.

💬 2. How to communicate with his partner without pressure-

The key is honesty + boundaries + no promises.

What he can say: “I’m emotionally shut down right now, and it’s not about you.”

“I need time to regulate before I can understand my feelings.”

“I care about you, but I can’t make decisions from this state.”

“Let’s slow down and check in gently.”

What he should avoid:

*Overexplaining

* Apologizing excessively

* Making promises about the future

* Trying to “fix” her feelings

* Forcing himself to feel something

Why this works: It removes pressure from both sides and gives the relationship a chance to breathe instead of suffocating under fear and urgency.

🌍 3. How attachment patterns show up in LDRs-

LDRs amplify attachment wounds because they involve: distance, uncertainty, delayed reassurance, imagination filling in the gaps.

For someone with anxious or disorganized attachment, LDRs often trigger: fear of abandonment, fear of being replaced, fear of losing connection, overthinking, emotional dependency, intense highs and lows.

For someone with avoidant tendencies, LDRs can trigger: fear of engulfment, fear of losing independence, shutdown when things get too real, discomfort with future planning

For someone with disorganized attachment, both happen: craving closeness, panicking when closeness becomes real, chasing → shutting down → chasing → shutting down

This is exactly the cycle he described.

🔄 4. How to rebuild feelings after a shutdown-

This is important:

Feelings don’t come back through pressure. They come back through safety.

Steps that help:

* Give the nervous system time to settle

* Remove urgency and decision-making

* Reconnect slowly through low-pressure interactions

* Rebuild internal stability (sleep, routine, grounding)

* Re-engage with hobbies and life outside the relationship

Allow feelings to return naturally

What doesn’t work:

* Forcing himself to feel love

* Analyzing the relationship to death

* Trying to “fix” the numbness

* Making big decisions while dissociated

When the system calms, feelings often return — sometimes suddenly, just like they disappeared.

⚡ 5. How to understand the “repulsion” response-

This scares people the most, but it’s actually a known trauma response.

It’s not about the partner. It’s about the nervous system saying:

“This is too much. Too fast. Too risky. I need distance NOW.”

It can feel like: disgust, repulsion, “ick”, wanting to run, feeling like the partner is a stranger.

This happens when: vulnerability feels dangerous, the partner becomes emotionally available, the relationship becomes real, the future feels overwhelming, the person fears losing themselves, the person fears being abandoned later.

It’s a protective reflex, not a reflection of true feelings.

🧊 6. How to differentiate numbness from true disinterest-

Here’s the simplest way to tell the difference.

🧊 Numbness looks like:

* Loss of feelings for everyone

* Loss of joy in hobbies

* Depression, fog, dissociation

* “I feel nothing”, “I don’t care about anything”

* Fear of making the wrong choice

* Confusion

* Guilt

* Panic about losing the person

❌ True disinterest looks like:

* Stable, calm clarity

* Consistent lack of desire to reconnect

* No fear of losing the person

* No guilt

* No confusion

* No global numbness

* Still enjoying life, just not the relationship

He clearly fits the numbness category, not the disinterest category.

His fear of regretting it later is a huge sign that the numbness is not the truth — it’s a temporary shutdown.

🌟 Final Thoughts- Everything he’s experiencing is: understandable, common among people with similar histories, reversible, not a sign that he doesn’t care, not a sign that he’s “fake”, not a sign that the relationship is doomed

It’s a sign that his nervous system is overwhelmed and trying to protect him.”

AI

Hey Confused:

I know the kind of turmoil you’re experiencing because I experienced something similar, overthinking, angst, with moments of feeling fine 🙂

My point 👉 tonight (using my phone, so here are all the emojis. Lol), my point is, you are important, your well- being matters, no less than hers.

Put yourself first, tonight, tomorrow and every day.

You say 🤔 your fear is losing her. But do we ever “have” anyone?

If we don’t own anyone, we can’t lose (the person we could never own).

Please 🙏 tell me if I’m making sense to you?

🤔 Anita

Hey Confused:

She probably knows very well that you value her!

And you are NOT GUILTY, Confused.

How I wish I could dissolve your feeling of guilt 😔

You are not her parent, you did not bring her into this world. You met her only 8 months ago.. long-distance and been with her physically only 3 days?

Guilt may belong perhaps to people who brought her into this life (parents), if they mistreated her.

Guilt does not belong with you!

I know i am not responsible for her feelings but i feel like i stringed her alone and then shut her down.
And on top of that i miss what i was feeling with her, wanted to care for her and be there for her with all my love.
I really miss this, i miss what we had and i cant feel it right now, so its killing me.

Hi Confused

Happy new year! 🥳 Did you get up to much over the holidays? 🩵

I was wondering how much time you spend with friends or family socialising in person?

Did you say that your mom died 15 years ago? So you would be very young for that to happen. It’s a massive trauma. I know another guy who lost his mom when he was a kid and he suffers from depression too. It seems to really leave a mark on people.

Another person lost their brother and father and it was very hard for them too. Particularly because of the way it happened.

Hmm well for a long distance relationship, in my experience when you meet in person it is nice. But the distance part is hard. I found it especially sad after a trip ends.

All you can really do is try to connect with each other regularly online. But if you meet the right person it can be worth it.

I think considering everything you’ve been through in life the way you feel is understandable. You have been through a lot, lot more than most for your age.

Trying to outrun how you feel… well it wouldn’t really make sense or be human for you to not have difficulties. Feeling the difficulties, talking about them. Letting them be without trying to escape them. Whilst it is painful, leads to healing. If you didn’t like the therapist it might be worth trying a different one? They vary a lot in quality.

You really do have a lot of trauma to process. 🩵

I suffered a lot when I was young too. It is not easy going through all of the pain but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 🩵

[quote quote=453831]Hi Confused

Happy new year! 🥳 Did you get up to much over the holidays? 🩵

I was wondering how much time you spend with friends or family socialising in person?

Did you say that your mom died 15 years ago? So you would be very young for that to happen. It’s a massive trauma. I know another guy who lost his mom when he was a kid and he suffers from depression too. It seems to really leave a mark on people.

Another person lost their brother and father and it was very hard for them too. Particularly because of the way it happened.

Hmm well for a long distance relationship, in my experience when you meet in person it is nice. But the distance part is hard. I found it especially sad after a trip ends.

All you can really do is try to connect with each other regularly online. But if you meet the right person it can be worth it.

I think considering everything you’ve been through in life the way you feel is understandable. You have been through a lot, lot more than most for your age.

Trying to outrun how you feel… well it wouldn’t really make sense or be human for you to not have difficulties. Feeling the difficulties, talking about them. Letting them be without trying to escape them. Whilst it is painful, leads to healing. If you didn’t like the therapist it might be worth trying a different one? They vary a lot in quality.

You really do have a lot of trauma to process. 🩵

I suffered a lot when I was young too. It is not easy going through all of the pain but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 🩵[/quote]
Happy new year Alessa!
I didnt do much, stayed at home mostly, no energy or mood to go anywhere.
I go out with 2-3 friends mostly but my mind is constantly on this issue.

She died when i was 21, but i’ve grieved her (i think) and i didnt feel much of a connection to her, could be because i was emotionally numb towards my family before that.
I could be having chronic depression and now it’s amplified, i dont really know.

It is indeed sad, but the issue here is not the distance, its my damn mind and nervous system that decided to pull the plug on this wonderful girl.

I know she is worth it but right now we are both keeping distance because our convos lacked depth and connection (partly her fault too)

I dont really give myself credit for anything, i tend to rationalize everything and say “thats life” but i cant do that now that i messed something great without even wanting to..

I am going to another therapist in wednesday, then to a psychiatrist by the end of the month and will see where this leads..
Thats what scares me, sometimes i believe its all in our minds but i dont know..

I am sorry for that, how long did it take you to get better?