I don’t know if this at all describes anyone’s issues but this happened to me 3 years ago with my boyfriend.

When we met, we instantly clicked. He checked all the boxes on my “list of a perfect partner”: devastatingly handsome, kind, fun, open-hearted, generous etc. He constantly challenged me, pushed me and made me grow – it was hard, but great.

We were together for 1.5 years, a mostly wonderful time. He did have some problematic traits which started appearing throughout the relationship, and we argued from time to time, but not often and never seriously.

One day, I woke up, went outside with a cup of coffee, watched the sun rise, and suddenly, it hit me like a bullet: I didn’t want to be with him anymore.

I couldn’t deal with the feelings. It was painful, frustrating, scary – everything everyone has described. Everything hurt.

I will fast forward the weeks of turmoil, of seeing him, of unhappiness turning into disgust, anger and irritation at myself and at my partner

On week 5, it happened. I was at a party, met a guy who was going through something similar, had a long, deep conversation with him and – cheated.

I was broken. I told my boyfriend the next morning crying my heart out. He was so hurt. He kept trying to fight for me, although I was certain at that point there was nothing to fight for. I wasn’t worthy of him or of his efforts. The messy way this relationship ended is the thing I will possibly regret most for the rest of my life. I hurt him so much, because I was a coward. I hated myself and my self-destruction.

Less than a month after this occurrence, I met someone. How unfair is the world? I ruin a relationship and hurt someone, then meet someone new. But this guy was different. He wasn’t like anyone I had ever dated. He wasn’t pretentious. He was fun. He was honest. He was real.

In the past 3 years, I have gone from being a broken mess to becoming whole. I have spent every day with this other guy since the day I met him. It took me 4 months to call him my boyfriend because I felt so guilty about my ex.

I have felt guilty for a long time. I wish I hadn’t hurt my ex so much. But after being loved by my boyfriend, I can finally say that what I had with my ex wasn’t as good as it seemed.

I think, in the end, that you can fall out of love for various reasons. Maybe it is a phase with your soulmate, maybe it is a sign from the universe to end things. Wait and see, and be kind to yourself. Don’t rush anything. Life will go on, no matter what. But please don’t listen to other people, just listen to yourself and your heart. And don’t stay with someone if it doesn’t make you happy. It will turn out alright.

Dear Lola:

I hope other members who posted in this thread since 2016 will reply to you. If you do not receive replies, and you would like to- you are welcome to share your story here, or start your own thread (go to Forums at the top, choose a Category, scroll down the page), and I’ll be glad to reply to you there.

anita

Dear San:

If you would like to, you are welcome to start your own thread by going to Forums above, choosing a Category and scrolling down the page. If you start your  own thread, I will reply to you there.

anita

What an interesting topic.  I’ve never actually experienced this myself but my advice to everyone would be to go with your heart.  Love is an emotion and doesn’t follow logic.  If such thoughts come into your head, stop and ask yourself how your heart feels about it then you will have your answer.

Peggy

I stand by what I said.  Love is an emotion, not the only emotion.  I don’t know what Peter is trying to say here.  You can see the moon without pointing to it.  Love can be experienced in different ways and the experience of love may be different for every last one of us.  There is nothing second hand about it.  It is ours and ours alone.  It cannot be analyzed.  Love is our life lesson.

I may think (logic) very carefully about the words I write in my posts, but the act of responding to someone who is undergoing difficulties, is one of Love.  It is motivated by love.  Love itself is an unseen force.  The fruits of love are visible to anyone who cares to look.

Love and light to you all.

Peggy

I’m glad to know I’m not the only one going through this, but I still don’t know what to do. My situation is different than those who’ve posted in this thread. I think I was in love with my best friend who’s also a girl – and I’ve never said anything about the possibility of me being bi because she’s straight, so no matter what I knew I had no chance. It hurt sometimes, but I loved her so deep to my core that I didn’t care. I was able to spend every waking second with her and always filled with joy and emotion. We live in the same house together as roommates, but I still live back home with my parent. In June 2020 I went back home for two months, and then when I came back in September I was so excited to see her, yet the moment I saw her, it was like something switched in me completely and I just didn’t recognize her. I cried a lot. We actually ended up talking about it and for a while things were okay, but that deep feeling of love had still left my chest. It wasn’t the same for me, but there didn’t seem to be any problems, so I let it go. Recently that feeling of not knowing her has come back, but even worse. It’s like, I don’t want to talk to her, I don’t have anything to say to her, I can’t remember how to act around her. Almost everything feels mechanical and it feels like I have this huge shield over my chest because I feel so largely disconnected. I’m heartbroken because I know I love her still, but I can’t feel it. We’ve only been friends for 3 years. I want her to be in my life for eternity. But I don’t know how that would be possible if I can’t even feel a connection anymore. I want to tell her how I felt but I’m also scared if I tell her the whole entire truth that I’ll hurt her, or our friendship will completely change. There are just so many factors. I saw some people mention this being a result of an anxious-avoidant attachment style, and I really wish I could use that as my excuse, but I don’t think that attachment style reflects me. Maybe I’m wrong, but I personally think I easily let people into my life if they have the right fit. From day one that I met her, we clicked just like that. So easy. This feeling of disconnection also happened with an ex of mine from high school. It was so strange. We were sitting in this large comfy chair together in the library, but then we were told only one person could be in that seat at once, so he got up and sat in the other chair. Somehow that was the moment where everything just left me, and it was like I didn’t know him anymore. We broke up the next month, but for other reasons. Regardless, I cried multiple times while we were dating because I didn’t know what to do. I fell for him so fast and the next thing I knew, I felt nothing. The only thing I’m seeing here is that it occurred in both romantic situations. But why? I haven’t dated many people, but it has only happened with these two people. I think I’d feel better if I told her what was going on, because it helped the first time, but this second time around is really weighing on me heavily, and I just can’t lose her. I’m also not sure how she’d feel knowing I had romantic feelings towards her. Sorry I know this is long, I’m kind of just letting everything out at this point. The past week it has literally felt like I have a ball stuck in my throat because I’m so tense from worrying and trying not to push myself away from her because I’m just trying to act normal. Being in a pandemic isn’t helping either honestly, because nothing about life is normal right now. Not gonna lie, I was prepared to love her the rest of my life, no matter the circumstances. It’s funny though, because what I feel now doesn’t really feel like heartache, it just feels like a loss. When we met I didn’t view her romantically, it sort of developed because we’d jokingly flirt with each other sometimes. The more we got to know each other, the more I loved her. I can’t just let that go.

Hello,

I hope this still gets updated because I feel like I really need help and I have nobody to go to with this.

Alright, so I have been having a relationship with an amazing guy for about 8 months now and in the beginning it was going more then well for us. We had a picture perfect relationship, except there were some tiny triggers but I never really cared. They always made being at his place hard for me and stressful and exhausting but I didn’t care as long as I was with him. Whenever those things happened though, my whole day was spoilt. Still, I did not care, I just wanted to be with him. When he went to see his family in France for two months I was SUFFERING at home because I could not be away from hin that long, not even face timing made it better for me. There then started being small conflicts like him expecting me to do things for him that he doesnt do himself or him making me cry every time he was on drugs and blaming me for things he would have forgotten about once he had sobered up. Often he was beating me up for things I was doing that have absolutely no impact on his life.

At a certain point he started calling me his one but I would never feel like that because they say if you know you know and i didn’t know. That doesn’t mean though, that I can’t picture us in a LONG and happy relationship just not NECESSARILY forever but anything can happen you know.

Nevertheless, some time ago when I was away from him I wasn’t feeling like the first time. I didn’t miss him as much anymore. He sent me flowers and presents every day that I was away and of course I appreciated them but I wasn’t as happy about those things as I was the first time he had done that. That was after he started having those expectations of me and also after he would have those lash outs when taking drugs. That was, I believe when I started to suddenly feel like I was falling out of love for him. And don’t get me wrong now, I think I am still very much in love with him but it definitely is getting less. A couple months in I was once on a plane and thought to myself that if this plane would crash, I would choose to send my last text message to him rather than my mom.

I don’t know what to do now because I think we do have a real connection but I don’t always feel 100% happy in the relationship but I also know that breaking up with him would break his heart and he would probably never get over that. He keeps telling me that he pictures us growing old together and that he could not imagine being with anyone else after a potential breakup.

If anyone read this far, would you have any advice on getting that feeling back because there is no way I could end things with him. Kind regards, Bee