Khani,

While I have never been married, I was given a crucial piece of wisdom that has stuck with me when I thought I lost my soulmate once too. The truth is, there are soulmates, and there are lifemates, and those are not necessarily the same thing. Soulmates are those that reveal layers of ourselves to us and help us grow and learn. Lifemates are those that we love on a deep level that survives hardships and celebrates happiness. It is okay to have both kind of people in your life. Soulmates are exciting and make us feel tingy and alive. Lifemates give us these feelings but once those feelings are gone, a lasting love and commitment remains as well, enough to get through the bad times. When you do find a soulmate, the feelings for that person never do quite go away and you will always share something with them; it’s okay to feel that way. My advice is to accept the different roles of these two people in your life and to understand that they come with different emotions.

Khani,

It sounds like you definitely have a genuinely powerful connection with this person, and that is something to cherish, but be very careful where you tread. I know you already mentioned you are faithful and that you have a different love for your husband, but you are on a razor’s edge in this situation. Some people come along in our life and they seem like a miracle, and we connect with them on every level. When these charismatic people come into our lives, its easy to forget that a lot of the magic that is occurring between the two of you is overemphasized because of the excitement. I’m not saying your connection isn’t everything you say it is, but Victoria really made a stellar point that you and your husband have made it this far for a reason, through it all. Relationships aren’t easy and 20 years is a point of pride. Maybe your dreams involve this person because you are seeking something to fill the void that is left from your relationship with you and your husband. It would make sense that this person provides the things you dont get from your marriage, and that could be why its sinking into your subconscious. I would like to offer a different perspective though, some of the things that you aren’t getting out of your husband might be able to be found. I understand that there are some fundamental differences, as you mentioned with beliefs and other things, but don’t count out your relationship with him just because there are ways you are unfulfilled. If you get creative enough, and involve him the process, you might be amazed at the needs your husband might be able to meet for you. So often in long relationships we think, “well this is it, this is all I’m going to get out of it, and I guess I will have to settle with it.” When in reality even in the longest relationships there is room for personal growth and new levels of understanding with your partner. I obviously don’t know much about your situation, but from what you said, I just thought that it was a perspective worth considering. You have been together with him this long, obviously you guys connect on some level, maybe its time to think outside the box and find some new connections to make with your husband before spending too much time in dream land and questioning your decisions in life. Either way I hope it works out well for you. =)

Dave

• This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by David Goettsch.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by tinybuddha.

What I mean by fantasy is that the relationship is new and exciting and doesn’t yet have the depth and realism that your marriage has. That feeling of sharing this unearthly amazing connection when you first start a relationship with someone changes into a more earthly, grounded and sometimes mundane feeling. I think this is the nature of relationships. Also, the closer we get to someone, the more scary it becomes to be really intimate and open with that person since there is a whole lot more at risk.

Many, if not most, men would react the same way at the mention of ‘intimacy’. Intimacy is a concept that is very different for women and men. Men often fear losing themselves or losing their independence. Rather that saying, ‘I want more intimacy’ (which may terrify him), try explaining exactly what you want. Men respond much better when you tell them a specific action they can do. Also, try disclosing things about yourself without expecting him to reciprocate.

I am actually going through something similar with my husband after being together for ten years. I have recently awakened and become much more aware. I have this yearning for more….I am changing and growing and fear that we might end up growing apart. My husband, too, is much more grounded which is probably why I was attracted to him in the first place. My priority right now is to remain patient and courageous and most of all, honest to myself and to my husband. I believe real intimacy first starts with yourself. Rather than blaming, confront your own emotions and issues. Sometimes a trait that we dislike in our partners, is a trait that we reject in ourselves. Let your partner be a mirror, a way for you to learn.

Another insight I just had today is how true it is that the things we love about our partner are usually the things that also drive us crazy! For example, I love my husband’s quiet, thoughtful nature but it drives me bananas when he is uncommunicative. I love that he is easygoing and agreeable but hate that he can be passive and lazy. I recommend you make a list and then take a look at how these traits apply to you. It’s an interesting exploration!

I have been thinking about my response earlier today for the entire evening now, and I would like to apologize for coming across as so harsh. While I may disagree with you, I could have said that in a more friendly and supportive manner. Again,my apologies.

Hi Kristy,

Sometimes we fall in love with being in love. Its not a bad thing, your feelings are all ok. The only thing to think about, and its easier for someone to say then it is for someone to follow but you are making two decisions in this situation.

You are making the choice to seek out new attention from this past flame. And its totally ok for you to make that choice for yourself.

But you are also making a second choice.

You are making the choice for your husband that he won’t leave you even though you do this because you don’t share the truth with him. You absolutely have the right to feel and take the actions you want, but you shouldn’t make the choice for your husband. You should allow him to know what your actions are so he can then make his choices for himself.