That’s the point though. I want to love him, and I want to be with him. Yes, I feel comfortable around him, yes the doubts have led me to think I only see him as a friend, yes I feel neutral when he sends me things like long, loving paragraphs, but there’s also other things. When I think of him, I smile unintentionally, he makes me happy, even just the thought. When he’s gone for awhile, I miss him a lot, if someone were to ask if I loved him or wanted him, I’d say yes without any hesitation, I call him pet names and say I love him often and I mean it, even if I feel neutral by it. I feel no guilt in saying “This is who I want and I love him,” or, ” this is who I want to spend my life with “. I have a lot of neutral feelings towards him that I wish were stronger. When I mention the spark, I mean the feeling in my mind that knows I love him, that’s gone, but I feel like it’s coming back now, it has been for a little.

And also, to answer your questions. I would rather not say my age but I am younger than 20, but older than 10. I live with my parents and as a child, I had a close relationship with them, and the rest of my family, but now, I always stay in my room. We go out sometimes though and hang out but not often, and we don’t live near family any more. Every summer break I do get to see my grandparents and cousin though, but I barely talk to my grandparents because we never know what to say.

We have never communicated on another thread but I did see you in one not too long back when I was looking for answers. It was a few years ago though. I basically had the same exact problem as two people named Jaz and Micky, but the doubts got stronger over time and now I feel like this.

My boyfriend is going to be leaving soon for a trip, so we won’t be able to talk too much, maybe that’ll help with my feelings. I’ll see how I feel when he’s gone for awhile, maybe that’ll clear things up. I really hope so because I don’t want to leave my boyfriend, I want to stay with him, love him with all I have to give, and have a future with him.

I have talked to him about this before many times and he’s reassured me that I do love him enough and that I make him happy. He said that I’ve made him feel more loved than any of his past relationships, and he does make me really happy and feel loved.

If I remember back, with Kade, I never put effort into him. Once I knew I was done with him, I was done. I didn’t bother to text him much anymore, I was hoping he’d leave me every day (because I feel bad when I leave people), I barely texted him, constantly said I didn’t feel comfortable, etc. With my boyfriend now, even though I feel neutral, I’m still putting all my effort in. If he’s upset, I won’t stop trying to help him, if we’re quiet, I won’t stop trying to talk to him, whenever we’re doing things or making a decision, I won’t stop getting his preference, even if I do feel like I don’t love him completely, I won’t leave, I’ll keep trying to love him more and see the good in me, him, and our relationship. He really means a lot to me and I don’t want to lose him.

Partly, partly not. When my parents and I moved away, I was devastated. I shattered. I’ve lost contact with almost all of my friends. I only have two now, and I use to have about 10.

When we moved here and I started going to school, I hated it, it really brought me down. I cried all the time. In the mornings, after school, and at night. I hated my school. I had no friends at my school, and I still don’t. When Kade came along, he only made me happy enough to where I didn’t cry over my school, but I still stared at the clock, drew depressing things in my sketch book, and waited impatiently for the day to end. Out of everything, my school made me feel the worse.

With my parents, I never really have anything to say to them. We’ll go out every now and then, or I’ll go down stairs and talk to them, or for example, today, I’ve been helping my mom because she is sick, but other than that, I stay in my room and talk to Tyson(current boyfriend(not his real name)) all day until we fall asleep together. We also play on Xbox together.

As for my other family, they all live in the old state we lived in, and some of my friends lived close to them. Every summer I’d see my grandparents and my aunt, and I still do, but it gets cut down a bit and I can’t see them as much for Christmas break like I usually do.

This year, school isn’t as bad. I have two advanced classes now which are pretty easy, a lot of people have actually warmed up to me being in the school (no one talks to me though except for one girl. Either way, I like being alone at school, it helps me focus, get work done, etc), and I’m in yearbook. School also goes by pretty fast. I also really enjoy writing and so I usually write about Tyson because he’s on my mind often. Coming home, getting things done, and then talking to Tyson and hour later helps me a lot as well get over being here. He makes me really happy and feel calm and appreciated.

Also, when it comes to the living stronger feeling, you’re right, that does put a lot of pressure on me and I do feel like that’s what’s making me feel like I only see him as a friend because I keep feeling less when I think of it, so I feel like that is the cause of it. Any advice on how I can stop pressuring myself in that way?

And, I know it’s early to say he’s who I want to spend my life with, especially since I have plenty of decades left, but right now, that’s my mind set and my hope.

Today, I’ve felt a lot more better. It’s been really calm today between me and Tyson and that makes me feel a lot better. I haven’t really had any doubts today and when they come to mind they leave quickly. The doubts are usually the strongest on school days.