RedDress,

Regret in life is something that is easy to fall into.  I know.  I’ve been aware of that since my 40s (I’m in my 60s now).  With that knowledge, I work on focusing on my life NOW, i.e. living in the present moment.  All I got is the here and now.  All I got is this precious moment.

Shall we focus on that?  Shall we make conscious changes and live mindfully?  What do I want now and in the future?  How can I achieve that starting now?

I remind myself that if I die tomorrow, will I have any regrets?  What can I do right now to live fully and without regrets?  What can I do to make my life better now?

You need not to do it all, all at once, right now.  Have a vision then some sort of direction in order to create the life you want.  Small steps.

Mark

Hello RedDress,

Anita raises a good point – focusing on a desire, rather than an expectation. And Mark raises a good point too – focus on NOW.

The things you describe – im tired, i overeat, i meet someone i know and fear ive said the wrong things and scared them off, i dont get thanked at work for trying my best, the guy i like doesnt even notice me – what I hear when I read this is that you need to have confidence in just being you (you fear you’ve said the wrong things…say what you want to say, in the way that works for you…not everyone will like what you say or how you say it.  That is okay.), and managing your expectations (you don’t get thanked at work for trying your best…if you know you did your best, give yourself a pat on the back.  While it would be lovely for coworkers to thank you, it may be that your coworkers are waiting for someone to thank them!  Be the change you wish to see…start thanking your coworkers and see if it catches on.) and you need courage (the guy you like doesn’t even notice you…if your goal is to meet this guy, then gather up your courage and approach him.  Just talk to him.  You may find out you don’t even like him!)

You can’t control people or things around you, but you can control how you react to them.  The other thing I hear in your post is the inner turmoil you feel – about regret and wasting your prime.  Rather than view it as though you wasted all this time, consider viewing it as “that was then, this is now,” as Mark suggested. Change will come with each small step.  And when something doesn’t go as you had hoped or planned, tell yourself, “That was disappointing.  The rest of the day will be better.”  Throwing away an entire day because one thing always goes wrong is a waste of all the things that went right that day.  Focus on the good that happened.

Airene

I too, feel the way you do right now. It is a battle getting through the day at times. It varies though, some days are okay and some days are bad. Sometimes I long for the days when I was on antidepressants and felt hardly anything either side of the spectrum.  I disconnect myself from others, because I find that they are deceptive and just want to be popular and liked and aren’t true of heart, then I regret my decisions because I feel lonely. I wish I could meet more genuine people to be friends with, maybe that would help but I don’t know. I put on the jokester to make everyone laugh, but find it hard to be real about my own pain.  I am not young anymore (50ish), so I don’t know how to tell you that it will get better. Sometimes it’s better, sometimes its not.

Hello RedDress,

So glad you responded.  You say you have achieved plenty of things that appear monumental, but don’t feel a sense of personal achievement.  I am wondering…if one of your friends was describing you, what are three words they would use to describe you – not what you’ve achieved, but who you are?

You describe your life as going badly, but seeing that it is so good for others.  What are you seeing in others’ lives?  I think comparisons are helpful only if it leads you to discovering what is within your power to change – either something in yourself or something in your life, or helps you put things in perspective.  It’s easy to see the good in others’ lives…the material things, the achievements – because people don’t typically trot out their failures, disappointments and shortcomings.  I’d be aware of that too when you see things as going so good for others.

Airene

Hello RedDress,

You describe some really wonderful attributes.  I wonder, though, if all of the stuff you describe – being hilarious, honest and supportive – sort of sits in the background because of the envy you feel for all the things you don’t currently have.  I’d focus on the things that are within your power to change or accept.  If you envy people who have a job, for example, are you able to look for a job?  After you get the job, you can save money for a car.  When you get the car, you will feel a sense of accomplishment and freedom.  Sometimes having a goal is a path to happiness.

What is it you feel you don’t go after because of a fear of failure?

Airene

Hi RedDress,

I hear you saying things like “I’m afraid that I might offend someone. I’m afraid of failure” that’s your inner monologue and it can get distressing at times. For instance if you pass by someone you know and they don’t speak to you your inner monologue might say something like “I bet I angered them when I did or said such and such.” If you are having a good day only to come out of a store into the parking lot to find you have a flat tire your inner monologue might say “See everything was going great and now this! I’m not supposed to be happy!” The truth is however that you have no way of knowing why the person you passed by didn’t speak so there is no reason to make up a story in your mind about it. As for the flat, it’s an experience. Nothing more, nothing less. If you view it as negative then it is and if not then it is not.

You say “Other people’s achievements should motivate me to work harder.” Why? Yes work is something we all must do but why should someone else’s achievements have an impact on your life? The next door neighbors may be millionaires. The people you pass on the street may be famous actors, who knows but why should any of this impact your life? Constantly comparing yourself to others will only make you miserable. Don’t worry about what others do, just live.

Success and failure are nothing more than concepts. If you feel that you are a success then you are and if not then you aren’t. There are no ironclad values to define success and failure and those two words mean different things to different people. If you travel off the beaten path, yes others will probably gossip about you but that gossip can only have an affect on you if you let it. Living your life for others will only lead to regret. In the end the only one you can impress is you. Be gentle with yourself.