I fear I'm being cut off by a close friend.

New Reply

This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 11 months ago by Inky.

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)

Author

Posts
May 1, 2019 at 3:46 pm #292055

Mark
Participant

Vaughn679

One thing about Buddhism is that there is a principle of how we suffer because we are attached to something and inevitably everything is temporary.

I have had good friends ghost on me after years of friendship. I have and still have a hard time accepting such behavior. I also come to accept that people have different ideas of what friendship means and are in different places of their lives and I don’t know what is really going on with them.

What I have done was send them an email saying how I am upset that they have not responded to my texts/emails/voicemails and how that hurts me for I valued their friendship. I leave the door open to hoping that I would hear back from them. I also wish them good wishes in their life even I don’t hear back.

Then I work on moving on.

Mark

May 2, 2019 at 5:59 am #292119

Inky
Participant

Hi Vaughn679,

This may be hard to hear, but are you ready?

As a woman in her forties who has a dear friend in his twenties, I can definitively say… She’s not thinking about you at all.

The forties are a trippy time when our parents suddenly need our care and when we may start to get our own health scares.

When the children are teenagers and our property taxes go up.

When our husbands get mid life crises and want to move to France.

You get the picture.

Also, to you two weeks are like two months. To her two weeks are like two days. As in “Where did the time go??”

What I would do is dial it WAY back. Call her on her birthday. Invite her this summer to a get together.

Relax,

Inky

May 2, 2019 at 9:40 am #292145

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Vaughn679:

She is married, in her early forties; you are single, in your late twenties. She is “one of those infectious characters”, extroverted, initiates conversations; you “suffer from depression, introverted and slightly shy”. She has “a husband, mutual friends from work, her family and other friends”; you have “acquaintances/ friends… not many close friends”.

“I do wonder if her affection and willingness to talk to me so much is genuine or out of pity, given my quiet life”- I would say that it is possible that she enjoys hearing herself talk and she can hear a whole lot of herself talking when she is talking to you, because you are quiet, and you are not competing with her for talking-time. Maybe her children compete with her, maybe her husband does, maybe other friends.

A whole lot of the time when two people talk, each person is not really listening but waiting for his or her turn to talk next, planning what to say next, waiting for the opportunity to talk. If you are not like that, if you really listened to her, then you are different from the other people in her life.

You being a man, and a younger man, it may have played a part in her motivation to communicate with you.

She’s gone quiet on you since her anniversary maybe because her anniversary didn’t go well. Maybe she is troubled, and … she doesn’t want to hear herself talk, she doesn’t like what she has to say this time.

“What is the best way to go about it?”- because maybe her marriage is in trouble, it is better that you don’t contact her, being a man, a younger man, past flirtation, some attraction to her on your part… better stay away from a married woman who may experience trouble in her marriage.

What do you think?

anita

May 3, 2019 at 10:34 am #292327
Vaughn679
Participant
Hi Inky

As I said, two weeks feel like a while because chat is usually so often, and its stopped so sudden. I will say two weeks feel like two days to me too actually. Time sped up for me as soon as I hit 20. Naturally I’m asking the question “is it something I’ve said or done”? My chats to her are about what you’d expect, once/twice a week at the most, hers being more than that is just a massive compliment.

But to chat so often for so long, you really think “she’s not thinking about me at all”? Can you explain that? Am I being used? The rest of your points I understand but I can’t help but think it would just be incredibly cold to treat someone like that and completely out of character for her. Our conversations are very two way, and she always seems to show interest in how I am and what I’m doing, she’s not just talking about herself.

I didn’t really get an answer when I asked if things were OK, just her confirmation how often we chat and an apology. I feel something has changed and its not a nice feeling when its not to do with anything I’ve said or done. I guess I value that kind of friendship more than someone who doesn’t have my traits or has a larger circle of friends.

But I’m not the sort who will bombard her to get an answer or start to talk to her as often as she did me, despite feeling pretty down about it. I care too much about how I would be coming across, especially now I’ve hinted to her I’m aware she’s gone quiet on me.

Thank you for replying anyway. Grateful for the honesty.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Vaughn679.
May 4, 2019 at 7:31 am #292367

Inky
Participant

Hi Again,

If you’re wracking your brain, trying to figure out if you said or didn’t say something, did or didn’t do something….. Chances are it’s not you at all.

One thing I’m still learning in life is not to take anything personally.

This reminds me of the time this woman came up to my sister and asked if she did anything wrong because they don’t talk anymore. My sister said incredulously, “I’m going through a divorce!” The woman felt a little stupid. You are not the leading role in someone else’s story, nor are they supporting characters in yours, generally.

If this woman wants to contact you, she will. On holidays and birthdays, she will know why you’re calling, so it’s not weird. Again, if she doesn’t explain herself after gentle prodding (“Hey, how are you, what’s been going on?”) I would leave it.

Inky
Author

Posts