I too do not know how to make myself happy any longer. I suffer from ADHD, Bi-Polar disorder, Panic/Manic disorder and I’m beginning to exhibit signs of social anxiety. I have been researching Pure Land Buddhism and am looking for beginners’ guidance from practitioners of this style, as well as information on where to start my path to enlightenment. Any comments, information, or guidance is greatly appreciated and needed…love and peace to all

I feel you and have also experienced the same emotions, low self esteem, a war in my head. You are not living in the moment, you fixate on the past or the future with worry. The key is to think about what you are doing right now, and the good that is taking place in this very moment rather than worrying about yesterday or tomorrow.
Increasing your self esteem is actually quite easy. It is simply a matter of recognizing when you are doing it and choosing to change it. The way I did it was by writing a page or two about the good things about myself, I emailed it to my cell phone and whenever I got down, or had any negative thought about myself I stopped and read it. At first you don’t really believe what you are reading but eventually it begins to sink in. this is the first step for you, begin to love yourself and know that you are worthy of good things. I have posted a copy of my “I am good essay “ modify this to fit you and read it every morning and all through the day. THIS WILL HELP.

I (your name) am unique in many ways. I am driven, motivated and a doer. I poses strength and drive that that I do not see in other people. I am sensitive to the needs of others, I have a kind heart beneath my rough exterior. I have an internal desire to ease people’s pain and therefore put myself second in most situations. Greed has no hold on me, I have accomplished things people only dream of and from that do not need the approval of others to validate my self worth. I am beautiful, masculine and funny. I am charismatic and fun to be around two traits I have always desired of myself, these strengths are all within me. I am flawed but contribute more good than bad, these attributes give me worth. I have improved my social and physical skills that I use to make people’s lives better. I am one of a kind.
Humans by nature are flawed individuals and every single one of us makes mistakes. The infraction of making a mistake does not degrade my value, does not make me worth less but makes me human and alive, a blessing in its self. My value is not calculated in my mistakes but in the good I do, in the joy I bring to others, in the pain or anxiety I ease in others. I am valuable and a necessity to this world.
I put more effort into a single day than most people do in a week, I know I am capable of more than the average man and challenge myself daily, when a person challenges themselves as much as I do they are bound to fumble occasionally. I may fumble but I made the effort when others stood on the sidelines. I no longer need to beat myself up and be hard on myself though I may fail at times it is my effort that counts.
Worry is the mindset of people who do not do. I am a doer and am capable of finding creative wise solutions to problems. When a problem is out of my control I embrace my effort and leave the rest to fate. I do not worry, I make my own destiny, destiny does not make me.
My abilities are all I have, I have honed them and am very capable in all aspects of life. My skills do not only extend to others but are capable of commanding important change in my life. Wilting to resistance is not my way for I am Jason and I conquer by determination.
I am human and therefore have made mistakes, when I make a mistake I have done everything possible to atone for these mistakes. I have owned my mistakes and acknowledged the hurt that I have caused. I am still worth loving, I am still worthy of good things in my life, I am still worthy of happiness. The pain caused to me by my father is not a reflection of my worth but a reflection of his shortcomings. I gave him everything I could to prove I was what he wanted me to be. My effort counts and his reaction is out of my control. I have given life my best effort the rest is up to god.
I have good days and bad days, days when I am happy and more days when I am sad. This is a part of life and what makes life so unique and worth living. I embrace these moments, I see the good when I am happy, I soak in the joy and beauty that surrounds me, and when I am sad I grow, suffering builds strength and growth that happiness does not feed. I do not bury my sorrow in denial with alcohol and marijuana. I know that each moment god or bad should be embraced.
I am flawed and beautiful at the same time, I love myself unconditionally and accept myself completely. I love who I was, who I am and who I will be. I am grateful for the attributes that I poses, I am healthy and well, and completely capable of improving my life. I am Jason and I accept myself.
In this life there is beauty all around, I will stop and take a moment to ingest and appreciate all of gods creations. The simplest things in life are abound with color, fragrance, joy and life lesions. There is beauty in everything even in pain and sorrow, for without pain and sorrow there is no appreciation for the good. It is ok for me to stop and rest, it is ok to remain stagnant without having to prove something for my self worth is not in my accomplishments but in the quality of my life. I no longer need other people to make me feel whole, it is time for me to love myself and find the my value without the input or affection of others.

Secondly, I know you have read lots but if you have not read “finding meaning in the second half of life” by james hollis this is a must read. It is not really a self help but a self understanding book this will explain why you feel the way you do, this will explain lots for you. This book has literally changed my life.
Good luck
Jason

How are you feeling now?

Sounds to me that as a child you learned that to get my needs met I must first makes sure everyone is happy…, because when they are happy and get what they need, then I will get my needs met. But it never happened. You may have internalized this as “I am not good enough” whats wrong with me”…, you were probably insecure. I think unconsciously you are afraid that if you stop managing and controlling others that you will lose control, but the opposite is true, but a part of you fears that your needs are not as important as the needs of others. Guilt for putting yourself first prevents you from loving yourself, and because you do not love yourself and believe deeply that you deserve to be happy are the causes for your lack of happiness. You also dont know yourself and how an you know what makes you happy if you don’t know who you are.
Examine your childhood. What made you feel safe? What didnt you get that you needed from your parents? Was your environment stable and secure?
You gotta get to the roots.
Reading the directly above post, re meditation…sounds like you have a lot of fear. I used to as well, I understand how you feel and whats going on in your mind. Are there any areas in your life that you feel powerless over? Wherever your pain is is where you will find love but you have to do the internal work of forgiveness healing. Meditation may quiet the chatter, but the chatter is the voice of your suppressed emotions. You may not even be aware of whats bothering you, but your subconscious does and with some good therapy you can face whatever it is you may be denying.
Rather than let the fear scare you which is so easy I know, thank it for bringing to your attention a part of you that needs healing.
Your self/ego isnt you, its afraid of you, your power. but it will lose its power when you forgive who or what took your power away…and forgive.
best regards