Home→Forums→Relationships→I don't know how to break free from a cycle of my own creation.
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July 19, 2018 at 6:46 pm #217745SaraParticipant
My apologies, this will be a bit of a long post. I am not quite certain what I am hoping to gain from this forum….I already know what I am supposed to do. But I find myself constantly surprising myself and going back to a dead end situation that clearly is not working.
I am currently 33 years old, which makes the decisions that i have made with this guy even more stupid.
I have never seen myself as someone who will be good in a relationship because i need a lot of space to recharge, added to that i have family obligations that i feel takes my attention away from fully committing to a relationship in the traditional sense. I was also almost raped twice as a child. I was very very lucky but i became so aware of how lucky i was that i started to close myself off; too afraid to venture out or become vulnerable and so i never tried to explore.
About three years ago I met a guy online, that I was instantly attracted to. He happens to be a paraplegic (which was not apparent in his dating profile but it doesn’t bother me). We went on a few dates but I got so nervous and became awkward and silent. I still got the courage to tell him I really enjoyed myself and would like to meet him again. He told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship and that I seemed too innocent for him. I told him that I am not great with relationships anyways and wouldn’t mind a friends with benefits kind of arrangement.
I am not one to want to sleep around. He is the only guy I have slept with till date (i don’t’ think he realizes this). We have had an arrangement for the past two years now. It took me awhile to get past my own inhibitions and not be completely nervous and ditzy around him. As our relationship is purely physical we barely have any deep conversations. But I have never really pushed for anything more because in a way the status quo is comfortable for me. I think because I know my own limitations that I automatically shy away from a relationship.He has his own limitations. It doesn’t seem like he is fully comfortable with his disability yet as he makes quite a few references to it. I guess we are all messed up in some way and just want some sorta weird connection. I still get oddly quiet around him, but he is not exactly a great communicator either. The main issue I have with this arrangement is that it has to all be on his terms if I question stuff he doesn’t want to answer or he will tell me I am making a mountain out of a molehill or being too dramatic. He wants it all his way or the highway. Over the last few meetings, our interactions have become more irritable. He claims that I am too awkward (which i can be around him, especially in person…but not to a degree where its unattractive). But when i try to end it or tell him that we shouldn’t continue seeing each other, he will agree but after 30 minutes start telling me I am overthinking stuff and to just go with the flow and enjoy what we have. The last time he sent me pics that he had taken of us together (i regret now allowing him to take them) and tell me this is what I will be missing. He has also tried to hook me up with an “Indian” friend that he has multiple times as he can cater to my needs better and has alluded to sharing these pics with them but retracting it when I questioned it but saying he was only joking and that he has never shared them with anyone and never will. I know at this point its emotional manipulation. Last time we met, he said he asked if I would be okay not having sex and just fooling around I said okay. We ended up just cuddling and napping for 90% of our meet, but when he did touch me it was almost like he felt like he had to because that’s the nature of our relationship. He almost looked bored.
I know that a lot of how he acts towards me is perhaps a reflection of his own insecurities. I read somewhere that some people enter into a relationship because of the mutual emotional issues both need to heal. Perhaps I needed to go through some of this to get past my own inhibitions. But I think its time to get out but not sure how to. I feel so stupid for making the decisions that i made.
I also started overthinking things because i think my subconscious is trying to tell me something. This may veer into a more spiritual/supernatural. Please bear with me…
A few days before my dad passed away i saw this distinct face on the wall beside him. I am (was) sure it was shadows playing tricks. The image, however, would not easily dissipate though i tried to blink it away. Later when i researched i read that people see images (particularly this face in some cultures) during times of actual death. I forgot about it…a few years later I saw the same face on the floor of a temple. Both times i din’t feel fear; when i saw it with my dad i almost thought okay he will be safe wherever he is going, the second time was almost an “oh its you again” moment. The last time I met this guy, he was saying how he was getting a tattoo of an Oni. I didn’t know what it was so i looked it up and well its a Japanese demon of foreign origin believed to come from either Hinduism or Buddhism and the image that came up is the same face that i keep seeing.
I am normally not one to get freaked out about things like this but its weirding me out that this face keeps popping up in my life. I am sure it means nothing but i was still freaked out the last few days.
I know this is a lot to read, I really appreciate whoever reads it and provides me with input/advise. I know what I must do, but I just don’t know how to go about doing it especially when I keep caving and meeting him. I always thought i was strong in my personality to not get snared by guys who are assholes, but i guess not.
Thank you.
July 19, 2018 at 9:36 pm #217779PrashParticipantHi Sara, clearly you don’t want to continue in this relationship. But you feel that ending it would result in some kind of unpleasantness for you. Maybe you could focus on what is preventing you from taking a decision and address those issues. Being in an unworthy relationship is like carrying an unnecessary load. Think how free you will be when that load is off so that you can focus on all the other wonderful aspects of your life.
July 20, 2018 at 5:25 am #217813InkyParticipantHi Sara,
Wow! Even paraplegics are jerks, it turns out! (I know that is MASSIVELY un-PC of me to say, but there it is.)
You can literally do SO much better! You do not deserve for him to transfer all of his unhappiness onto you.
Walk away. Ghost him. Don’t look back. You will be better for it. And bonus! HE gets to learn a Life Lesson that he can’t treat people that way.
Blessings,
Inky
July 20, 2018 at 7:46 am #217835SaraParticipantI think its just people…it doesn’t matter if you are a paraplegic or not. Some people are just jerks, some may become jerks due to their own experiences but its just people. I am going to cut this off. I think its time. I think its two things, 1) I do sense an energy about him that i am intrigued enough to want to keep figuring out. But this is just a dumb thought as he has proven time and time again that he only cares about himself and his needs. 2) I guess I also feel stupid because i feel like if he gets vindictive he has sensitive material on me that he can use against me. But that is the height of emotional manipulation; i have to break free and deal with any fallout that results from my past decisions.
Thank you for taking the time to lend me your virtual support.
July 20, 2018 at 7:47 am #217837SaraParticipantHello Prash,
I think its two things, 1) I do sense an energy about him that i am intrigued enough to want to keep figuring out. But this is just a dumb thought as he has proven time and time again that he only cares about himself and his needs. 2) I guess I also feel stupid because i feel like if he gets vindictive he has sensitive material on me that he can use against me. But that is the height of emotional manipulation; i have to break free and deal with any fallout that results from my past decisions.
Thank you for taking the time to lend me your virtual support.
July 20, 2018 at 7:53 am #217839AnonymousGuestDear Sara:
* I posted this before reading your recent posts, the ones following your original post:
Reads to me that you are not interested in a relationship with a man. You mentioned having family obligations that are not congruent with having a committed, demanding relationship with a man. You mentioned needing a lot of time alone, to recharge, that you have been closed off and “too afraid to venture out”. Well, this relationship allows you to have a bit of what you need: physical intimacy with a man outside a committed, demanding relationship.
You wrote, “the status quo is comfortable for me”, this relationship has been comfortable for you for a while, except part of it is distressing, the his-way-or-the-highway part, and the .. indecency of him otherwise.
I suppose it is an option for you to seek a friends-with-benefits relationship with another man who will not practice the my-way-or-the-highway attitude, who will be respectful to you, one who you like better. Read to me that you are still, as before, not interested in a committed love relationship with a man. Am I correct?
anita
July 20, 2018 at 8:06 am #217845SaraParticipantHello Anita,
That is correct, I still don’t want a relationship in the traditional sense. But I also don’t want to a relationship (even a purely physical one) that is not a two way street. Its not that I don’t like him, there is something about this guy that I am drawn to, perhaps its the status quo, maybe I figure better the devil you know than the devil you don’t. I am not sure, but lately, our interactions have gotten very difficult. There is always an argument before we decide to meet, but according to him its always me being dramatic. I don’t care about his disability or his limitations i just want an open conversation which he can’t seem to provide. I understand the nature of our relationship is purely physical but I often get the sense that he can barely stand me, he almost looks bored when with me, barely touches me or plays with me so I am not sure what he wants.
July 20, 2018 at 8:19 am #217851AnonymousGuestDear Sara:
“I am not sure what he wants”. Maybe he is with you because he has nothing better to do with his time. So he feels bored, not interested, but it is something for him to do.
You wrote that you “want an open conversation”, well this is something you know you want with a man. And you don’t want those arguments, so you know what you don’t want.
You wrote, “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t”- I wonder what other devil like, in your home of origin, perhaps, you know and pretends to not know, perhaps?
anita
July 20, 2018 at 8:31 am #217855SaraParticipantHi Anita,
Yes, I think i know the time has come to end this arrangement. The devil i know vs the devil i don’t is more to do with me having to put myself out there again and to sift through the various options and to figure out the right path for me. I sometimes feel like I have invested this time and energy and we have our issues but we seem to somewhat work so do I really want to venture into the unknown. But clearly, this is not working out at this point so I know it is time to take that leap of faith.
July 20, 2018 at 8:41 am #217867AnonymousGuestDear Sara:
I hope you do take “that leap of faith”, faith in there being something better for you, a possibility of better than this, no arguments, open, honest conversations. I am wondering if him being paraplegic is an attraction on your part, not that you don’t mind it, but that it draws you to him.
anita
July 20, 2018 at 8:51 am #217875SaraParticipantI never thought it did…I have come across other paraplegics in my life and i haven’t felt an attraction. Its him, i think there is something about him that i just like even when he is being his worst self. Which is what scares me, i have never been one to stay in a situation where i have felt that i was being taken advantage of or where I felt I wasn’t wanted. And yet with this guy i keep going back.
July 20, 2018 at 8:56 am #217879AnonymousGuestDear Sara:
It is quite common that when we experience rejection in childhood we are attracted in adulthood to a rejecting individual, motivated to fix the past (an impossibility, of course) by staying and fixing a similar current relationship. This maybe why you “keep going back”.
anita
July 20, 2018 at 8:37 pm #217959PrashParticipantHi Sara, hope you are able to take the leap of faith out of this relationship. Irrespective of whatever is keeping you in it, the fact is that you are not at ease. That is probably straining your time and energy at this point when it can possibly be put to much better use.
Take care.
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