Dear Danielle:

I spent hours this morning re-reading and studying all your threads.

Here is what you wrote in your most recent post, Nov 13, 2019: “I could only speak for what he tells me, is that he’s very happy with me, he feels like he’s a better person because of me.. he says that I taught him how to communicate, be truthful, be a better son to his parents.. he loves how dedicated I am, how persistent I am, how driven I am, how loyal I am… His family loves me… People really do love us together.  I think we compliment each other well.. he realizes I have anxiety and OCD, and some days are bad days”.

September 2017, more than two years ago, he wrote the following to you in emails: “I thought I was untouchable and I was so cool and could get away with whatever I wanted… I’ve been working on this whole lying sh**, there’s nothing more for you to find out… I promise to be a better person cause you’re the girl I want to marry.. I’m the psycho here who should be on the meds… I just want to start over completely with you. I have no more lies..  I need you and I know you  don’t need me at all, but I want to  work it out… I am a liar. Yes. I lied constantly.. I am better now.. I clearly have issues.. you are a f**** angel… I don’t know what the f*** I’d do without you. I’m an idiot, liar, and bad person and manipulator. I have been working so hard to change my ways… I  took advantage of such an honest person who doesn’t deserve that crap.. I don’t deserve you FOR SH**.. I’m out of lies… I love you too  much”-

My input:  The two of you have been in complete agreement ever since 2017, that you are honest and an angel, and that he has been a psycho, an idiot, a liar, a bad person, and a manipulator. The two of you have been in agreement for a long time that you have been a force for  good in his life, changing him from bad to good.

I will not argue with two people who are in total agreement with each other.

In June 2017,  you expressed at length how content you are with him changing from bad/ immature/ irresponsible/ dishonest to good/ mature/ responsible/ honest: “my boyfriend has changed to a complete 180. He is the most amazing boyfriend, honest, supportive, gets along with my family and friends, treats me like loyalty, is constantly there for me, gives me everything I need and want.. He is exactly like that guy I hope to one day marry.. how amazing he had turned out to be. He doesn’t even go out, doesn’t drink, dropped his fraternity, is an  open book, gives me all his passwords, lets me ask the same questions 19323948 times without complaining, is just patient and amazing… he tells me that I am just the love of  his life and he’s changed into this man he  never thought he could be… He is seriously a changed man”.

My input: his change has been complete and solid for the last 2.5 years, and the two of you are very content with this change. He is very content with who you are, and you are very content with who he is. The two of you started successful careers, live together, and are doing very well together.

The only distress you experience in the context of this very successful relationship is your obsession with him lying to you regarding a few girls he hooked up with on three occasions (Oct 2015, August 2016, Oct 2016) while the two of you broke up.  You wrote about how you view his lying, Sept 2017: “I still constantly think what he did was like the biggest sin in the world and I am a fool for forgiving and letting go of it… I don’t trust him that he’s telling me the truth about the past”.

My input: the reason you still (Nov 2019) view his lying as the biggest sin in the world, and why you don’t trust him that he’s told you the whole truth about his past, is that your mother didn’t trust you when you told her, at 10 years old, the truth about  your past. She asked you if her husband/ your step father molested you. You told her the truth: that he didn’t molest you.

But she didn’t believe you, suggesting in her disbelief and in her choice to interrogate you, that you were lying to her.  That experience traumatized you: that your own mother didn’t believe you, that your own mother thought you were lying. You never healed from that experience, and fast forward, you are stuck in not  believing your boyfriend, and you interrogate him.

Again: your mother interrogated you because she didn’t believe you told the truth. Fast forward, you  interrogate your boyfriend because you don’t believe he is telling the truth.

It is traumatizing for a child to tell the truth to her mother and to not be believed. That causes the daughter to doubt herself forevermore: am I telling the truth? Am I lying? I must confess everything just to make sure I am telling the whole truth!!!

Next, the daughter, grown up, doubts her boyfriend: is he telling the truth? Is he lying? I must have him confess everything just to make sure he is telling the whole truth!!!

You wrote about your OCD back in 2017: “I don’t believe my OCD even started after that movie. I believe it was a couple weeks later in the shower when I thought to myself: “imagine lying and saying…’- And I panicked”- it is your mother accusing you of lying that started your OCD, and the topic of your obsession is lying: first you obsessed about you doing the lying (“imagine lying and saying..”), and later, you obsess about your boyfriend doing the lying.

“the thought of it (lying) drives my mind crazy. And I  know a lot of my childhood after that movie I had this thing where I wanted to say something happened when it didn’t… she (your mother) said I don’t care if it was him (her husband, molesting you) I would leave  him in a heartbeat… she just scared me thinking that I could say something that could end up breaking my family apart”-

– it was not the movie that traumatized you and started you on your OCD life experience, it was your mother interrogating you after the movie, suggesting you were lying to her, lying that your step father did not molest you while the truth (she suggested) was that he did molest you.

Dec 2017, you wrote: “when I was 10 and I reacted bad to the movie, why did I have this thing that I wanted to lie and say something happened to me?”- that was the beginning of your OCD, topic: lying.

My summary: attend psychotherapy with a qualified therapist, one who specializes in OCD perhaps, and start the process of  you healing from that traumatizing experience of your childhood, at about 10, after the movie. I would call that experience you had: The Interrogation, Having been accused of Lying, The Beginning of OCD, Topic of obsession: Lying.

anita