Dear Charly:

To understand better I ask: does your boyfriend still approach you for sex at the same time that he “can’t function being  in a relationship” with you anymore?

anita

Dear Charly:

You wrote earlier that you “do not want to be used for a convenient situation”- if you mean that he is using you so to have a place to live and not go through the trouble of looking for a place of his own, maybe an extra expense involved in him living away from you- then I see your point. It would be really nice if you were clear about his motivation in staying in your place. If you were clear about why he gets upset about sleeping not in your bed although there is “no intimacy or sex coming from him”.

If you were clear you wouldn’t be confused or conflicted. It is way better to experience clarity instead of conflict and confusion.

When you asked him about his motivations, what did he say??

anita

Maybe it’s easier for me to say this because I tend to find doing what I want easier than the average person… especially after realizing all pathways lead to that anyway & the regret of many is “why haven’t I done anything sooner.”

I initially thought “just tell him to leave.” If he’s not on the lease but has been living there for a while and refuses to, you’d have to legally evict him? Idk what the laws in your state are..

Its never really hard getting ppl to leave, people make it seem hard… the hardest thing is the internal battle & struggle with feelings & emotions . If you really wanted him out, he’d be out… or if you really wanted out, you’d leave.

Be honest about what you want & work towards that. But don’t lie to yourself either..

Dear Charly,

It is very easy to confuse guilt with affection, especially when you feel immense guilt for your actions. But you can’t let guilt be the reason why you let certain things happen.

Right now, you are stuck in a weird limbo with your ex partner because he found out that you had cheated on him a few years ago. From there, he decided that it was best to end the relationship, but he refused to move out yet he refuses to talk to you about what happened. It seems that he isn’t even talking to you much either? That sort of action scream ‘immaturity’. Even though he told you that he wants to end the relationship, he fears what will happen next if he takes the step to actually end it because he is too used to being in a relationship with you. Should he end it, then there will be a great upheaval of change regarding his daily life that he probably isn’t ready to face. So he decided that he will still sleep on the same bed, eat at the same table, use the same bathroom, etc. But that’s not fair to you.

You have openly admitted your wrongdoing and he chose to shut down. That’s fine. That’s a choice he made. But for it to continued to affect you like this is unfair to you because he is not giving you the space to grieve and move on from this relationship that he told you he wished to end. HE TOLD YOU HE COULD NOT CONTINUED THE RELATIONSHIP. Yet you are giving in to his demands of sleeping in the same bed because…you feel guilty? Guilty that you cheated on him. And you are paying the price for it by him ending the relationship, but beyond that is extraneous. You told him and he ended the relationship. You can’t be called partners anymore so what rights does he have to demand that you sleep on the same bed? That he could still live with you? That you have to see him everyday after your breakup?

You still love him, that’s fine. But that doesn’t justified him acting as if you are close enough to share the same bed when he chose to broke off relations between the two of you. For whatever reason he might have done so, he is still choosing not to communicate with you if he is rethinking his decisions, but seeing your ex everyday is bound to make you rethink, yet he is still acting as if he has the rights to live with you. So why exactly are you allowing him to torture you like this? You love him, but that doesn’t mean torturing yourself with this limbo of ‘maybe he will reconsider’. He hasn’t, even after all this time. Rather, the longer you let this continued, the longer you’ll stay in this weird limbo of not partners but not really friends either. You’ll sleep on the same bed, wake up to him, all the while knowing that you are not partners anymore. Doesn’t that break your heart? And if he suddenly wants to get back together when you tell him to pack and leave, what does that tell you about how he really viewed you?

Remember, you are also the other person in this relationship so you have to a make a decision about this weird limbo. Do you let it continued or do you end it by kicking him out? Continued and you’ll always wondered what’s happening. End it and you might have to fight a drawn out battle of getting him to leave, but then you’ll have the space to grieve then move on. You’ll have the space to assess the situation and what happened and maybe breathe. But you have to decide for yourself. You have to decide what’s really important, his feelings or your well-being.

Good luck.

Dear Charly:

You are welcome, glad you are back to your thread (no such thing as returning here late, so anytime is fine). You have been with this man since you were 16 and now you are in your 30s. The two of you have a teenage son. You cheated on him in your early twenties, ten or more than ten years ago.

But it is only “recently (that he has) come to the conclusion that he can’t function being in a relationship with (you) anymore.. he just can’t get over that (you) cheated”.

It is likely then that it is not your cheating that is behind him getting to that conclusion that he wants to separate, and instead, what motivates him is what you stated yourself: “he wants to ‘see what else is out there'”. After close to two decades with one woman, he wants to experience someone new.

This is a painful thought, isn’t it? That it may not be about the cheating and therefore it is not about you showing to him that you have indeed matured from that time of ten years ago?

I mean, if what  he wants is something new, a different woman, a change- then what can you do about that??

anita