fbpx
Menu

Hurting him when I help. Hurts too much not to try.

HomeForumsTough TimesHurting him when I help. Hurts too much not to try.

New Reply
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #58281
    mmblarg
    Participant

    I just joined this site after reading “How to help someone who wont help themselves” http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-help-someone-who-wont-help-themselves/ and bawling halfway though.

    Then reading “Stop Waiting for Tomorrow: 3 Steps to Loving Your Life Now” http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/stop-waiting-tomorrow-3-steps-loving-life-now/ and become choked by fear that my husband will never find happiness and continued to bawl.

    I am at the point that I love my husband so much I am hurting him. I am unable to help him through this 13 year, self destructive trend that he has been in that my attempts only push him further into his pride, pain, depression, and self pity. He is his own worst enemy, constantly gets in his own way, and most of his conversations are passive aggressive attempts at fishing for replies that will indulge his self-pitting. When these remarks are met with advice and pleas from his friends and loved ones, he gets defensive, angry, and even more stuck.

    My husband is constantly cycling through one entry level, minimum wage job, to the next. He usually never holds a job longer than a year. He allows himself to become so unhappy with what he is doing, his biggest pride takes the damage, his work ethic. Once he has started down his spiral of hatred, entitlement, envy, pride, and anger, he becomes a terrible employee and either walks out or gets fired.

    Eight years ago he got his bachelors degree and felt entitled to a career and did not receive. His degree is not in high demand and the things he is passionate about he needs more education or more job experience. However he is so consumed by insecurities and I don’t even know what, he refuses to move and instead continues to repeat his cycle of working the safe and familiar, hating it, and then leaving. He is tarnishing his working record even more becoming a more and more un-hirable candidate for future jobs.

    He is 31 years old and still young in the eyes of most of the world. He has made some bad mistakes in his years but nothing that can’t be fixed with hard work and dedication. He is intelligent, caring, and has all the tools to do something more that will make him happy but he makes excuses for either his fear or his laziness. He wont open up about anything and falls back on the same tired lines of he “gets bored” “doesn’t know what he wants to do” is “too old” “we need to move to find any good jobs” “he’s not getting hired because of nepotism” and “but this job has promised me …..”. We have gone around in circle so much when I try to encourage him to try something new that our conversations have a predictable brick wall that we can never break down. These conversations end in silence with the feeling of it’s not finished but there is nothing more that either of us can say.

    When the mood strikes him he applies for jobs that are way beyond his qualifications and then becomes rooted again when they decline him. Now, any time I try to help him, all I do is come off as berating him, degrading him, and telling him that all his choices are wrong.

    I am sick with worry about his future. I love him to death and I’m starting to forget why that is because all I can focus on is trying to get him past this and help him succeed. Yet all I or anyone else seems to be doing is making it worse.

    I literally haven’t stopped crying since I found this site, so if anyone has anything at all that might help my husband, please, let me know.

    Thank you.

    #58285
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    There’s a saying that i have begun to believe very firmly now after repeated attempts to “help” people change for the better.

    “You cant help someone who dont want to help themselves”

    He sounds like someone with low self-esteem who has very high goals without putting in the efforts or dealing with the failures to finally get there. At the same time, i can sense a very strong self-defeating pattern – a dear friend of mine would often have these bursts of inspiration and then apply to very fancy stuff without developing the requisite credentials. When she failed, she would be further convinced that she was indeed a failure – do you see the pattern here? I feel that his frame of mind requires counselling based intervention (CBT for example) – of course getting him to go is going to be another ball-game altogether and i realize that. Its simply a heart-felt suggestion which i feel would help to break some distorted thinking patterns and teach him ways to stay disciplined despite his mood swings. He’s not listening to you people because in his mind, he already knows what you have to say – he is his harshest critic.

    Secondly, if all else fails, no matter how painful it sounds, allow your mind to rest. I know you love him and he is your husband but you need to love you as well. Worrying yourself sick about his future is not going to help you or him in any way. Please for the love of God, stop trying to tell him what to do – when you do that, you automatically tell him this “I dont believe in your ability to do things on your own” – he barely believes in himself anyway and your well-intended “encouragement” is backfiring.

    Therefore, in such a scenario, be patient – use language like “I am sure you will figure something out. I believe you will” or “Its going to be okay. You will figure something out. I am here with you” and when he tells you he wants to ditch something, tell him “Alright, i may not entirely agree because of xyz reasons but i am sure you will think about it. Whatever you decide, i am here for you”…etc etc Sometimes his sullen, moody reactions will confuse you but this will slowly reinforce the idea in his mind that you will actually listen to him without judgement.

    Whenever he is having negative thoughts and you want to encourage him to positively, simply say “Alright honey, baby steps everyday. Its all part of the process. i do feel that you are perfectly capable of handling it and you’re gonna be fine. I am here for you” – say you love him, give him a kiss, smile, hug him – buckets and buckets of unconditional love is sometimes so much stronger than trying to “mother” someone to change, despite best intentions. Keep telling him you believe in him – dont tell him things like “you can do so much better, you need to stop being lazy, you are being irresponsible, why dont you ever listen to my advice?” – do you honestly think he doesnt realize that he’s not going the right way? Everyone he knows makes him feel like he’s screwing up.

    Now this might sound like manipulation to some, but believe me, you have to trust him and get your point across in a non-judge mental way but ultimately leave it to him. He has to believe that you actually think he can make decisions.

    The other members will have wonderful insights to offer. Dont worry so much 🙂 He is a wonderful man but he’s gotta believe that over time.

    Good luck

    #58291
    Inky
    Participant

    He can start his own business. I don’t know what his major was, but something similar. Like, if he was a History/English major, or is good in researching he could do genealogies and make little books for the family, complete with the history of the house, etc. Then he makes business cards. Then he puts ads in the local paper. Then he becomes “That Guy, the one with the genealogy books”. He could make Family Histories, the History of the House, the History of the Town, whatever. Then once he pays taxes it becomes Real. He owns it. He has carved his niche.

    Instead of seeking validation, $$ and amazing jobs from the world, he can create a niche that no one has thought they need yet and the world can come to him.

    I would have a friend ask his help doing something to get the ball rolling. Then when he finishes the project and sees it’s no big deal, put ads in the paper. Before he can get mad at you for doing that, the phone will hopefully ring! LOL

    #58295
    Inky
    Participant

    Another thought ~ It’s hard I think esp. for people born in the 80s ~ the first generation to be lovingly spoiled and also the first to leave home to a world that doesn’t seem to want them. The 90s kids are already pessimistic. The difference is the expectations. The 70s kids? We were ignored growing up but then had little trouble starting out ~ we expected good jobs but they were actually there.

    Support group? Life coach?

    One of my sisters also seems to have an inordinately tough time out there. Same age range.

    #58296
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    lol Inky, yeah you got the part about the pessimistic 90s kids with high expectations right!

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.