Home→Forums→Relationships→How to deal with an imminent mutually beneficial breakup?
- This topic has 8 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 10 months ago by
Raju.
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June 20, 2019 at 12:44 pm #300007
AnonymousGuestDear Kristen:
“For the entire time that we’ve been dating, I’ve always known he’ll be moving away soon and that we will not do long distance. We’ve always been on the same page and always aware that we will end our relationship when the time comes”-
– You had a rational understanding that didn’t take into account emotions. Emotions are powerful. You didn’t know, now you know that emotionally you are not on the same page that you were on rationally. Your logical plan has encountered an emotional difficulty.
What if you shared this with him, without crying. If you fear that you will cry, type him a letter, tell him honestly and in such a way that you don’t appear demanding or blaming or any such thing, matter of fact, tell him how you feel and that you didn’t expect it. Ask him how he feels, that you really want to know and that you don’t expect or ask of him to change his plans.
Get his answer and take it from there…?
anita
June 20, 2019 at 5:40 pm #300059
MarkParticipantKristen,
You want to know how to cope with this in a healthy way?I wonder if you have had to experience loss in other ways? A loss of a loved one? A loss of a job? A loss of a friendship? A loss of another romantic relationship?
How did you cope with any of those?He is going away and your relationship is shifting, nothing is permanent. Put that in perspective. I know that this won’t be comforting but it has been less than a year of knowing each other. You two never got out of the honeymoon phase where you idealize him and project all those great qualities without really getting to experience the nitty gritty.
Buddhism talks about sitting with our feelings rather pushing them away or distracting ourselves from them. It is easier said than done (at least for me). The best way of coping and moving on is to do that.
You are pre-grieving. Make the most of the present moment rather than spoiling your time together by becoming sad before he leaves.
Does any of this make sense?
MarkJune 21, 2019 at 6:54 am #300129
KristenParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for reminding that emotions are powerful. I think it finally dawned on me that I’ve always put my feelings second to rationality. And now my feelings are finally trying to catch up…
And I do wish I had the courage to type that letter for him. I plan on keeping these feelings to myself until after he’s gone, and I’ll maybe tell him how I feel then over text.
June 21, 2019 at 6:59 am #300131AnonymousGuestDear Kristen:
You are welcome. What is your rational thinking behind your plan to maybe tell him how you feel later, after his move?
anita
June 21, 2019 at 7:06 am #300135KristenParticipantDear Mark,
It is true that we have not had enough time to really get to know each other. We do have very conflicting viewpoints on major political/social issues, which sometimes makes me question whether I can be with someone like him in the long run.
Thank you so much for the advice on sitting with our feelings. It really gives me hope! I do feel better after spending some time trying to process all these emotions by myself (which is just a way of saying that I spent an hour crying while mindlessly binge-watching my favorite show).
June 21, 2019 at 7:15 am #300141KristenParticipantI think it’s because I’m afraid that maybe he does not feel as strongly about this as I do. I actually will probably never find out because I’m so afraid to even start this conversation with him. I also don’t want to make everything awkward between us while he’s still here.
June 21, 2019 at 8:38 am #300161AnonymousGuestDear Kristen:
You feel strongly about this and abut him. But if you can bring up the topic in almost a matter of fact way, not in an emotional way, even downplaying your emotions a bit, you will have an opportunity to find out valuable information that will affect how you feel in the future. Maybe he will share that he feels the same, that will give you valuable information. Maybe he will suggest that he doesn’t feel this way, that will also be valuable information.
The information you can get now/ soon, before he leaves, can lead you to suffer less/ not to suffer. I recommend that and will be glad to help you compose a short draft of what to tell him/ how to bring it up to him, if you want, of course.
anita
June 23, 2019 at 9:01 pm #300443
RajuParticipantKristen,
Nothing is permanent on this earth, which is quite often in the case of ‘relationship’! Relationship always has its side effects. Here, I do endorse your point that we should never share our fear to others otherwise they will take advantage of it.
You were together only for a year or so. The time you both spent together is not sufficient enough to mature your relationship, hence it’s easy to come out of it rather quickly. Being in the relationship is not the responsibility of one person it is always two-way when one partner thinks of leaving then it means that he/she was not deeply involved into it, so it is better to let it go!
In your case, only one person can help you that is ‘you’ yourself and none else. You have to accept the reality and accordingly deal with it. Life is a journey where you will be meeting many travellers, like a train journey where the passenger gets departed on reaching their destination. Similarly, we will be meeting many persons in our life and seeing them departed. Just move on but always remember to cherish good memories of life. Just cherish them and focus on your future journey of life and don’t cling to your past, otherwise life would become quite miserable.
Raju
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