Dear jana,

thank you for your reply.

Since I made my innitial post, i am already feeling a lot better.

I have moved out of the dormitory and don’t feel as much anxiety.

Some weeks ago, I even went to the dormitory,because my best friend moved in there (somehow life always wants to challenge me). At first, I felt very uncomfortable about going, but I went. And we talked and laughed a lot. It was good, to add this memory, because when I moved out of there, I was very desperate and crying.

But now I am feeling better.

I want to work on improving my relationships with people, but also with myself. You are right, not everybody will like you. I am trying to learn that and not worry so much about strange looks or small signs of impoliteness. When a thought like that comes up again, I try to let it go (I am not always succeeding, but at least I am trying not to act on it).

Also, I have a therapist and we are working on my problems.I think I have already made some progress, but it is going slowly. Thanks again for you taking time to reply and for your help!

Dear anita,

the crazyness of last year is hard to top. But I think I have more self-compassion now. I know better what I want and pay more attention to my own feelings. I think that I understand some things better. You are right, it will take time to heal and I made some progress.

Today I feel a little nervous. I met with a friend and interviewed her, everything went good, but then the app I used only recorded five minutes of it :S I feel embarrassed. Then I also wanted to cook something for my friend, but it didn’t turn out so good. Usually I am a good cook, but I shouldn’t have used a recipe I never tried before myself…. I guess such things happen and it’s part of life! But I am so disappointed, because I really liked her answers. She was so nice to offer that I send the questions to her and she answers them in writing.

Well, I am doing o.K., just a little disappointed and embarrassed.

What I also noticed, when I listened to the 5 minutes is that I don’t like my voice. It is so child-like. I wonder if it is like that all the time or only when I am nervous. Last week when I talked to my professor, I also stuttered a little.

And I also understood the words (their sense) of my friend a lot better, when I listened to her calmly in my home. But during the interview I sometimes felt confused, had some issues concentrating. I worried a lot thinking, am I listening well enough, am I asking good enough follow up questions? I wish I could be more relaxed, but it will surely take some time to become more comfortable with myself.

As for the career, I think a mentor would be helpful, I just don’t know where to find it. My professors, I don’t know, they have many students. The professor whose class I attended this year, I think that I was also a bit difficult to deal with. And I feel the same for the rest of my professors.

Then, I was in this program where they found a mentor for me. She was very helpful, professional and friendly, but at the beginning I was too distracted by other problems and then she had her first child. So it just wasn’t a good time for the both of us.

So where to find a mentor? I am also shy to ask someone, as I feel that I don’t want to be a burden for anyone. And could I just go and ask someone if they want to be my mentor? It seems very difficult for me. Maybe my professors are the best choice, as it is heir job to help out students. I could work more on my project during the semester break and then write to this professor again, to ask what he thinks. Maybe I should have more concrete questions than in my class then. Mainly I am worried about things like graphic design and typography.

I feel that my drawings are o.K. (there is of course always room for improvement). Some of them are even good enough to be in a magazine, I believe. Actually, I think my drawings are pretty good. As well as my ideas, they are also pretty good.

What I have to improve on firstly  is professionalism. Doing the work even when I am not into it. At least I can concentrate well once I start, but why is it so hard to start something? Time management and organizing myself are two big things I need to work on as well. I am trying to focus on this now in therapy.

Last week I discussed with my therapist about the things I want to work on. She concluded that she thinks that I am working enough, but I don’t plan in enough free time, so it happens, that I am wasting hours on the internet . Because then my mind is just taking the time off that I don’t want to give to myself. I need to find better balance. I have been saying this to myself for a long time, but it is still so hard to put into practice.

Other things I need to work on: acquisition, negotiating contracts, how to work as a freelancer (insurances and the like)… There is a lot to learn and I often feel overwhelmed. Best to take it step by step.

Another big thing is to learn to be more confident. Some people are not having the best work, but they are so good at selling it, they work hard, the put out a lot of work. It is more important than talent, I think.

I feel that there is a lot I need to work on. And I get a little overwhelmed thinking about it.

Dear anita,

sorry that I did not reply sooner. I am not so good at replying, also in my everyday life. So clearly, you don’t have to apologize if you take some more time to answer…

During the last weeks I was feeling a little more productive. I was imagining how a person that I admire would spend their day and that helped. What would she do? I asked myself.

And I wrote down my thoughts in a diary too sometimes. It helped me to see things a little bit clearer, to become more self-aware, more conscious. I should definitely continue. Also I made to do lists, and got at least some things done. But still had the feeling that I hadn’t done enough. Especially when it comes to drawing. I always have to force myself to get started. But yesterday I scheduled a time when to start, that helped a little.

Also I went to exercise classes four times last week. It felt good, but today I walked out of the class. The pace of the class was too fast and I couldn’t keep up, so I felt insecure. And then the instructor addressed me and wanted to correct me, I got overwhelmed and walked out. I know I overreacted and it was of course impolite to walk out. Then I worried about it, that I had interrupted the class and maybe the instructor was thrown off… But at least they continued as if nothing had happened.

Sometimes I have this reaction that I just walk out, most of the time I regret it later.

But it happened. I don’t know if I want to go to the classes anymore. But it helps me to go to a class to say motivated. On my own I have a harder time to exercise…

For today, I should do my best to make he rest of the day better. Maybe I will cook something, definitely will draw and clean up.

In reply to your post: yes, I think I have made some progress. Last week my therapist also said it, that I have improved. We read together the report she made for the insurance at the beginning of the therapy. She said that I am not looking around in the room so much anymore and can say better what I want.

In the report it said that she felt a mix of wanting to protect me, compassion and anger when talking to me (the report was from October 2018). She explained that the anger maybe came from me shifting the responsibility to her. And also the comparison to a child was made. It is very frustrating for me to hear. Hopefully I have improved in that area… I would like to take more responsibility and take better care of myself. Really, I don’t want to be like a grown up child.

But yes, again, like you said it takes time and self compassion. Really, I am trying. Even though some weird things like me walking out of class still happen.

And yes, I can learn from such situations, like the interview. To prepare better. And it already took some courage to ask my friend for that interview and go through with it. So I can be a bit proud of myself.

I have to admit, when it comes to the mentor, I haven’t really made progress. At the moment I am also more focused on organizing my life and structuring myself. I have the idea in the back of my head though. Maybe I feel a bit of resistance to the idea, because I would have to ask somebody, contact someone. Then they might feel bothered… but well, they can also say no, so there would be not too much to worry about.

And maybe I am also resisting because I would have to truly face my career-problems… And I am worried that it will be too much at once. Often I think too short term. Maybe I should plan better… I plan to make weekly reviews from now on, so then things will become clearer in my head.Writing has helped before in seeing things clearer!

Regarding saying “I think”, yes I use a lot of this vague language. I also often say “I don’t know”. My brother does the same. You can hardly communicate with him, he most of the time replies “I don’t know” “maybe” or “it’s possible”. His insecurity is even more extreme than mine.If he replies like this, other people make the decisions for him.

In therapy, I often replied “I don’t know”, when I didn’t know how to answer the question. But I genuinely felt that I couldn’t answer, I didn’t know the answer. I guess I often give away the responsibility to others as well, especially if I feel overwhelmed and unsure.

Dear anita,

thank you for your reply!

When it comes to the exercise class, I will really have to “jump over my own shadow” as the German saying goes, I will have to step out of my comfort zone… It would be easier to just go to another class. But also, this could be a learning opportunity, and I also don’t see myself as a coward. Well, there is still until Sunday to decide. But I should still exercise in any case, as it helps me to stay motivated

Yes, procrastination is a big problem of mine. That is definitely something I want to work on. Like I said in my last post, writing down things helps and planning my days. But I need to start thinking more long term. At the moment, writing things down helps. And from there I will expand step by step.

I should also stop saying those vague words. But it is a habit I cultivated for such a long time. I need to be more aware of my language. People of course take me less seriously, if I always say such words and seem unsure. Often I ask others for security. What I noticed, people trust in others who come off as confident. Even if they might know less, people will trust them from their displayed confidence alone.

I am trying my best to better myself. Some days it goes better than others.

A the moment I am also a little worried about work. There are tensions and bad communication. People are overwhelmed, and there are questions around who is responsible for what… Luckily I am not directly involved, but my colleague always complains to me. And I listen, which is o.K. to me. But after yesterday I was wondering if I was a little too supportive in my comments. I wish they would just sit together and talk things out. Everyone says what bothers them and the others have to listen, without interrupting… Something like that…

The mood is not nice and even when I am not at work I think about it. I just want to get along with everyone and do my work as good as I can.

My colleague also told me she is thinking about leaving. I told her it would be a pity if she leaves, but I also am trying to learn as much as I can while she is still there.

Oh well, I will see how it goes tomorrow!

I will draw some more now and maybe journal for a while. I hope you are having a good day! Until next time!

Dear anita,

yes, I have to work on making these positive things my life habits. As I can really feel that they make me feel better!

Today at work my colleague was at an event for the majority of the day, so there were no complaints. It felt more relaxed, but also I worried about making a lot of mistakes.

The worst thing though was when a new colleague (A) came and was looking for my other colleague (B), but she wasn’t at her workplace. He told me that I should tell her to call him when she comes back. When she came back I told her and she said “Him? But I just saw him.” So I figured they must have talked. I still worried, should I remind her? But maybe it would seem like I am some sort of control freak, so I let it be.

But then A came back and he asked B questions. So apparently they hadn’t spoken. And when he left I asked B, and she confirmed that they hadn’t.

I don’t know why, but this makes me really angry! Now it seems like I am unreliable or crazy or something. But I actually cared to deliver the message and to help my colleagues the best I can. Maybe I should have asked B more about it when she said she had just seen him or stressed more that it seemed important. Once again I fail at communication.

It really frustrates me. I would like to be normal and I would like to get along with people.I feel so foolish!

Thank you for your advice regarding the conflicts between my colleagues. It makes a lot of sense to me. I cannot remember having said anything bad about my colleagues. Because I actually like my colleagues and think that they are overall good people. Just the communication needs improvement and I have criticism about how some things are handled. To my colleague, I just agreed that some things didn’t work out or what I don’t find o.K. But I also worried that I was a little too uncritical of my colleague, cause she might have played her own part in the problem as well.

Hopefully things will get better at work. I often am very insecure there… But clearly I have improved compared to one year ago!

Tomorrow I will meet my best friend again. We haven’t seen each other a lot lately and I really missed her! The last time I visited her in January at my former dormitory where she now lives (I also had to “jump over my own shadow” to do that!). Hopefully it will be a good day together!

Dear anita,

true, I delivered the message to her. Just sometimes I get so worried about what another may think, that I forget the actual truth. I thought A might think I am careless or whatever horrible things, when it is simply not the truth. The same thing happened at the dormitory or with K, just here it is on a smaller scale.

You are right I should ask myself such questions to check what is the reality. Only that in such a situation I feel very distressed and it is hard to control my thoughts. Then I call myself all sorts of horrible things and think about hurting myself or hurt myself.

I need to learn to become more mindful to break the circle.

As for today, I drew for the last hours and listened to inspirational music. So I am feeling a lot better now. Drawing is truly where I have the most confidence in myself and I feel more in tune with myself also while listening to music. I am proud that I did not let it ruin my day and moved on from the painful feelings.

Soon I will go to sleep and I hope you have a good day and also do things that will make you feel good.

Dear anita,

at the moment, I worry a lot about work. I work together closely with two people, A and B.

A is a very energetic and strong person. Everyone relies on her and she likes to take on a lot of responsibility. Sometimes I get the feeling: what would the company do without her? But I also worry that she doesn’t take such good care of herself. For a long time she stayed longer and even came to work when sick! I like her and appreciate her. Having her around makes me feel secure, if I am unsure I can ask her, but I try my best also to become stronger. I admire her for her energy and strength, at the same time she shows a more vulnerable side when talking about her children. On the other hand, sometimes communication can be difficult… especially if she doesn’t like someone…

B is a very sensitive and warm person. She really gets along with everyone and seems to be a caring and honest person. She also is good at communication, if she sees a problem, she will address it directly. I like how she always takes time to talk to everyone, buys birthday presents and is very thoughtful and empathetic. She also had a burnout before she came to work at our place. Everyone knows that.

The work is very much. You always have something to do and often I leave something for another day. Plus, there are clients calling or needing help all day long. Usually I don’t worry so much. I try to do my best, and if I can’t do it, I will just do the most important things and do the rest at another time. But I worry about my colleagues. I also listen to them, when A tells me that she is working a lot, or when B tells me she isn’t feeling well and cannot take a break…

Sometimes A said about B: what is she doing all day? Because A says she works on another project all day, which she has the main responsibility for. And she doesn’t help with the other tasks so much. But I think she does help. I don’t really know what she is doing, I am only focused on my own tasks, so I don’t pay attention to what the others do. I don’t care when A does a lot of other stuff for others and sometimes left our room for longer periods and I also don’t care when B focuses on her project. What bothers me is the miscommunication.

A apparently A never talked to B about it. But on Friday A said to me: meeting on Monday about the distribution of tasks. Then I already felt worried but also didn’t ask for more. And I wasn’t sure who would be in the meeting, maybe just the three of us, I thought. I should have asked more.

Today was the meeting and there were two of the managers there. We went through who did which tasks and it seemed I was doing a lot, but I don’t know. I cannot say how much time the work of B takes, but A says that it isn’t much. They asked B about all the things she has to do.

After the meeting B was upset and said she got the impression that they were telling her that she isn’t doing enough. And that they only saw the tings that were missing, but not how much we had improved. She also showed me a paper from her doctor about her burnout and asked if she should show this again to the managers. I listened to B (A was somewhere else). I also said, when A and B were both there, that we all tried our best, but A did not reply. She left the room and later came back and said to  me: “sorry,I did not listen to what you said”. And I tried again and started to say “I am worried about the both of you”, but a client came in and the conversation got interrupted again. I gave up. B also tried, but the conversation got interrupted again and I also have the impression that A did not really want to talk.

B talked to me about her sorrows and I got very worried. I asked myself: should I have stood up more for her? Should I have told A to directly talk to B instead of me?

At the end of the workday I was the only one left and the manager came to me and asked: “how was our discussion for you?” And I was so worried and feeling passionate that I told her: “B is working all the time and we all know she had a burnout” The manger said, we know that she works all the time, we just need to find out what takes up so much of her time. The others (other companies involved in the project) also need to do their share.” Then she also talked about other points from the discussions about other things.

Later I thought, it was probably wrong to say that to the boss about B. At the moment it just burst out of me and I wanted to stand up for B. But maybe I have misunderstood everything??

Like often, I took on too much responsibility. B is a grown up woman and can stand up for herself. A and B can resolve their problems without me. Next time I will tell them: please talk directly to each other. Maybe listen, but not get too involved.

I would like everybody to get along. The situation is stressful for me, I am trying to understand everyone, but I don’t know the solution.

Maybe I should just stick to my job! Still be empathetic of course, but not get involved into conflicts…

On a more positive note, last Sunday I went back to the exercise class. The week before I was just too late to talk to the instructor and went to an art gallery instead. I talked to the trainer and she was very friendly and kind. She encouraged me during the class and also came to me after the class and said that I have done well. I don’t think I will go back to the class though, because it is a little too advanced for me and also the attention made me feel a bit embarrassed and like an attention whore…. But I am glad I did it and passed the courage test.

About what you wrote above: I am starting to understand better the power of thoughts. Now I feel I know what it means to let your thoughts pass and that they are only thoughts. I am trying to pause my distressing thoughts, but I am not there yet. I try to focus on the moment, but when I am distressed, it is hard. I guess the long paragraph above shows that I haven’t mastered it yet.

I try to do something different now and not to think so much about the situation. I tried my best, but it wasn’t really the best strategy, I guess. I wanted only the best for everyone involved…

I think I will draw for a bit now. I hope you have a good day!