Hi E,

Even if he never abused you, I would say this:

1. You put major stressors in your life by being a student, working full time AND living together all at once. Someone was eventually going to snap.

2. I do not agree with living with a guy AT ALL. It never really works out. What’s the end game? Cheap rent? Marriage? Anyway, after years on the forum now, I have not seen living together ever end that happily.

Now on to the abuse:

You have seen his Dark Side. You know his full raw negative potential. Your parents sent you statistics because (sorry) you have officially Become a Statistic. So of course the woman (in general) tries to Prove Everyone Wrong. Their relationship Is Special. The more time goes on, “You’ll See! It will be like Nothing Ever Happened Fifteen Years Ago!”

Is that what you’re going for?

If it were me? Ideally SECRETLY Move Out, Ghost, and go to a Real Life University in 3D.

Blessings,

Inky

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Inky.

Hi E.

I have been in a situation very similar to yours. Many times. Now, I will never live with a man before marriage again. It always starts off amazing. Romantic. Exciting. Intense. For the first three months..we fall very much in love..I am taken on these very romantic weekend trips, “surprise getaways” flowers or roses are sent to me when I was working. Gifts were given to me. We would make candlelit bubblebaths and dinners for each other, it was a fairytale romance. I was in heaven. Then in six months, they would ask me to move in. It went blissful for awhile, then..it all went chaos. The person I thought I knew and loved, was no longer that person.

We became what seemed like “roommates” rather than boyfriend/girlfriend. The bickering, arguing started, it would soon turn very ugly, with him calling him names or he would say “I have everything, you have nothing” and other putdowns. I would be miserable and start sleeping in motels, or he would sleep on the couch, me on the bed, needless to say, it was a miserable experience, it interfered with my job, my friendships, it pretty much took over my life. I kept trying to change, to go to therapy, to be the “perfect” girlfriend. But my last had an ego..a superiority complex, very controlling, a workaholic. He worked as a lead software engineer at Microsoft. He made alot of money, worked 70 hour weeks, and then he also had started his own home based internet business. He was exhausted. He would come home, exhausted and agitated, would not talk to me, turn his back to me, immediately get on his computer, on his own home internet business. When I tried to help him with his business, once I did not do something right, and again, the putdowns started, calling me “stupid” and all sorts of other names.

By this time, I had lost my job, and I could not take anymore. I was going to a community college part time. Which he also criticized, I tried to look for another place to live, and found a nice person, and they said they would accept my two cats. It was a 3 bedroom house, one guy, one girl, and the best situation for me at the time, I just wanted out..out of the tension, fighting and emotional abuse..out of fear of him.

What this all boils down too, is even if you were too “forgive him” you will always fear him. We are wired that way. He charged at you and bit your face. I would, and anyone would be afraid of someone losing control like that again. You will always associate that memory with that of him, it does not go away unfortunately, making a future with him very uncertain. If you were to have children with him, again you would be fearful..fearful he would physically lose control, hurting them. You can forgive, but you can’t forget. I have been there, it has never worked. Best to never live with someone unless you have known them for at least two years or better yet, married first. Statistics show that couple’s who live together before marriage, have a higher rate of divorces versus couple’s who wait. Please take care of yourself and put yourself first. x

Dear E:

How long has it been since you returned to him and is he still attending therapy?

I was wondering: when you first returned to him and experienced anxiety, you thought it was because you let down your parents,  not because of your boyfriend’s past rage explosions culminating in him biting your face. This means to me that your fear of your parents’ disapproval has been intense for many years, correct? I hope you can elaborate on this fear.

Also, what did your boyfriend share with you about his therapy and what he learned there about his rage explosions?

anita

Dear E.

I’m glad he is in therapy, but I still fear for your safety. I feel that some type of distance and separation should be involved while he is undergoing treatment. He did not learn this behavior overnight, and it will take a long time for his recovery. This includes conflict resolution skills, anger management in addition to therapy. I am also curious as to why domestic violence charges and “no contact” were not given..or were the police called when this happened.

I see a very long process in his recovery and treatment, and I don’t think you both should be living together until he is fully recovered and healed, and this will take a long time. I have never heard of a human being charging at someone biting them in the face. It gives me the shakes, like he is some wild animal. This should not be tolerated, until he has completed anger management, and many other treatment programs. x

Just run. Biting your face is all I had to hear. He won’t stop and it won’t get better.