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How do I deal with hatred and anger?

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  • #351402
    Maria
    Participant

    Hi everyone. This is my first time here, so I’m not sure how to do this, but here it goes.

    I’m 29 years old and my entire life I’ve always had problems with my dad and over the years my anger and hatred towards him have increased. I’ve tried to get rid of these feelings: meditation, changing my negative thoughts for positive ones, focusing on the positive things about my father, and the good things I can enjoy/have achieved thanks to him. But, none of this seems to work…

    I’m currently living in Canada and a month ago my work permit renewal application was rejected because I made a mistake within the application… So I had to quit my job, since I no longer have a work permit. To reestablish my status and get a new work permit it’s a long process that takes around 9 months… My dad and I barely speak, but by coincidence, he called me a few days after this happened and I told him what had happened. “How could this happened?”, How is it that you allowed this to happen?”…

    I’m just a Graphic Designer. My salary is pretty modest and I have no savings… I quit my country to come to Canada for a better life. And I came pretty much without a dime. To reestablish my status and get a new work permit it’s so expensive… Since the path wasn’t clear, because it is not something that happens usually I had to hire a lawyer. I told this to my father. And he still hasn’t asked if I have enough money to live for 9 months (which I don’t), or if I have money to cover for the work permit fees and lawyer…

    A couple of weeks after this he called me again in a conference call with my sister included. He only asked how was the weather here and what was I doing during the quarantine…

    My hatred, sadness and anger come into the picture here: since my boyfriend for the past 3 years knows that my dad is not gonna help me financially, he told me to stop paying my half of rent, and food; my aunt, who lives also in Canada, is signing my work permit application as the provider of the funds for my stay in Canada, plus she is paying for the fees of the lawyer and the application… How is it possible that my own father won’t offer to help?

    You might think that I should just ask him… A few months ago, I needed to pay for my Permanent Residence Application and I asked my dad for the money, but he said no, because I had to learn to be responsible and cover for my own expenses: I didn’t have the money and when I decided to move to Canada he told me he was gonna pay for all the immigration process. I made a document specifying all the steps to immigrate to Canada, applications, and fees. We both reviewed it and he approved. He paid for it responsibly until I moved in with my boyfriend, finished school and found a job: the 3 happened in the same month.

    I don’t know how to explain how I feel… I feel ashamed because my boyfriend is paying for most of it… It is not fair for him. What is he gonna think of me that since I moved in with him he’s been covering for the unexpected expenses I’ve faced, like if I have no father? Suddenly I moved in with my boyfriend and he is the one responsible for me financially? Is that what my dad thought when I told him I was moving in with my boyfriend: “great! I can stop helping my daughter, she’s now someone else’s responsibility?

    I can’t believe that father I got… Sometimes I feel like not speaking to him again anymore… Our conversations are never pleasant, instead, they are heavy and leave exhausted… Other times I feel like messaging him how I feel about him, how much I hate him…

    I just want to be free of these feelings… What do I have to do? I don’t want to think about him… Once again he abandoned me…

    #351446
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maria:

    As I understand it, your father paid for your initial immigration process and financially helped you otherwise until you moved in with your boyfriend. I don’t understand: why do you believe that a father is financially responsible for his adult daughter?

    * The only issue that you brought up regarding your father is a financial issue. I wonder about the nature of your relationship with your father otherwise,  throughout the years.

    anita

    #351624
    Ravi
    Participant

    Hi Maria,

    I just want to be free of these feelings… What do I have to do?

    You can sit right wherever  you are, may not have to even directly talk to your father and do the Ho’oponopono practice.

    It’s a very simple practice and works very well in such situations.

    You will see things will start to change. Nobody knows what change it will be, but it will be only for your greater good and only the Universe knows what it is.

    That change could be anything – either your father will start talking to you properly and have loving feeling towards you, or you may not mind his behaviour towards you, or you may yourself start paying your rent, or you may not feel that heaviness during the conversations, or it could be anything.

    Try that…and if you have trouble saying the words “I love you”, you can skip them.

    You can lookup and read about what it is and how it is done.

    Good luck.

     

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