The one thing 99% of my posts are about are my boyfriend. I know I should leave him, its the advice I am constantly given. I am unhappy in the relationship yet SOMETHING is keeping me from leaving him. I wonder every single day what the thing is. And recently I have been thinking it is because I have bad/fake/boring friends. I do not mean bad friends as in they are bad to me or treat me bad or are toxic… I mean I am not CLOSE with them. My relationships with my friends aren’t meaningful.

Freshman year of high school I had 2 wonderful friends (for the sake of this post their names are Amanda and Anna) who I loved hanging out with. They understood me and the time we all spent together so much fun. They were healthy friendships that were meaningful and strong. We hung out almost everyday because we were so close. We all had other friends that we hung out with but essentially we were the 3 best friends. Whenever we were bored, we just hung out and did whatever. Life was soo good with them. I never felt alone because they constantly lifted me up, as I did for them.

After some time Amanda got a boyfriend. Amanda’s boyfriend was really controlling and never let her hangout with us! Amanda had other boyfriends in the past but this one took her virginity making her feel more attached to him. Then…. our friendship with her faded. Yes we were still friends with her but we never got to hangout with her so it was no longer a meaningful friendship. It was nothing like before. After she got a boyfriend, me and Anna ended up making other friends and becoming part of another friend group. This friend group SUCKED because nobody ever hung out. None of these people were fun and I didn’t get along with any of them. To be honest, I was only friends with them because Anna was. But if we are going to be real, I could tell Anna wasn’t happy either. Then…. I met a boy and we started dating and he ended up being just as controlling as Amanda’s boyfriend. I think the main reason why I let him begin to control me was because I was only 16 when he took my virginity. I wasn’t ready and fell into the same trap as Amanda. Now, 2 years later I feel like I have nobody but my boyfriend making it hard for me to leave him. And as for Anna? We aren’t friends anymore. She became super unhappy after her two best friends were stolen by their boyfriends. I know I shouldn’t have stayed with him and let the guy ruin my friendship with Anna but I was so young and stupid…… I didn’t understand what was going on inside my head. Looking back, I was so attached to my boyfriend for multiple reasons but one was that all my friends sucked and I missed Amanda. My boyfriend seemed to replace the emptiness I felt after Amanda was gone. Today, I only have ONE friend (let’s call her Hannah) and Hannah is the only person who I feel like understands me and who I can call a friend. She is the only meaningful friendship I have left. Yes I am part of a big “friend group” but as I said before these girls are NO fun and I do not feel close to any of them. Plus Hannah has a boyfriend of HER own as well (who isn’t controlling) but they are pretty serious so he takes up a decent amount of her time. Yup, my life sucks. I constantly see other girls in my school having so much fun with their friends on their stories. Why am I such of an idiot to let my life suck like this.

My boyfriend and I broke up  last week (not surprising, obviously we got back together, I know my relationship sucks) and while we were broken up I felt so bored. None of my “friends” (in quotations because I am not close with anyone) wanted to hangout obviously because they are boring and none of us are actually friends with meaningful connections. And I hung out with Hannah but only for like 2 hours because she had to go hangout with her boyfriend. Life is different now.

Do you see this cycle? I don’t know what to do or how to get out of this!!!! I know I should break up with my boyfriend but he fills the void in my heart. I know that if I truly leave him for good its going to be quite a while before I make meaningful friendships. I will be so lonely. To make matters worse…. this isn’t the first time this has happened to me (with friends i mean). In 8th grade I had like 5 friends who literally did nothing. They were all fake friends it just seemed like we were all friends for the sake of having friends. We had no real connections. When I met my 2 best friends in freshman year I felt so happy and was constantly having fun. As soon as I lost them the only thing I could cling onto was my boyfriend. He is the only thing keeping me sane I think (even though he treats me kinda bad).

So what do I do. I am sure the way out of this is WAY easier than it seems to be. I just need some advice on how to fix this. Honestly, part of the reason I think I post on here is because I feel like I have nobody to talk to….. nobody who would understand or know how to help me. I am going to college next year… I hope life will be more fun there.