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Dear Anita,
I’m so sorry that you are walking along a similar path to me. (((hugs))) It’s one of the hardest paths to walk along, and progress through.
You are right about the parent/child relationship here. And it’s the same with my sister. I love them both, and it is an unconditional love, something I was born with. You can’t just turn it on and off like a tap (faucet?) when you feel like it, can you? At the moment, the love I feel for both my mother and my sister is tinged with a sense of overwhelming pity, particularly for my mother.
As my sister appears to be able to do exactly that, I think that she does have, towards me, ‘conditional love’. Or no love at all. My mother is too confused now to be able to be ‘conditional’ about love, but was exactly the same as my sister until her dementia got worse. Now she is just confused.
Their conditional love has always depended on whether I am there to do their bidding, put them first, and agree with everything they say. My sister has always been this way. My mother is no longer this way. My mother would be though, if she hadn’t developed dementia.
Because I have dared to question my sister over my mother’s finances and her control over them, I am not being spoken to at the moment. I have not seen my mother for over a week now. I knew this would happen. I have been deliberating over having this conversation for quite a while. Because I knew what the outcome was going to be.
Late last week, I politely enquired as to what her and her husband were contributing to the bills now they had moved in officially with my mother (sister moved in unofficially 6 months ago). Sis hates being answerable to me, but it is my duty because of the LPA laws that I am aware of the financial situation. I explained this to her. (The authorities take a very hard line with anyone abusing a vulnerable adult’s finances and welfare here in the UK). She said she was well aware of the rules and that I should go and see a solicitor if I thought differently. She also said it was ‘none of my business’ what her income was, but as her income is coming from my mothers savings, I had to point out that, actually, it is my business, which enraged her still further. She knows she is taking advantage, of that I am sure. If I fail in my duty as per LPA rules, I am as guilty as she is, by association. And somewhere down the line there is going to be a reckoning.
Hi Anita,
Oh how I wish that I could just walk away… from them both but more particularly, from my sister. That must have taken so much courage for you to make that decision! And even harder, I would imagine, that once you have made that decision, that you don’t go back on it. I have so much respect for you.
I had already decided that once my mother had passed on, that I would go no contact with my sister. 55 years of this (I’m 61, she is younger than me by 2.5 years) is quite enough.. life is too short. Once my mother is no longer around, that will be the end of it.
I have documented all of this. I have all the texts and notes of conversations. I am going to see a solicitor for legal advice next week.
I am now thinking, why wait until mother passes, this is never going to go away. And one of the things I am going to discuss with the solicitor is relinquishing my LPA’s on my mother. That would mean that my sister would be in full control of my mother’s financial affairs, and her health and welfare on her own. And on her own head will it all then fall, when it does. I really have had enough of this. Although she will be in full control of everything then, in a way she actually is anyway, as any suggestions or questions I may have are usually disregarded anyway, so what is the point?
I had to text her this morning, after her ‘not speaking’ to me for the last two days as I needed to know if her husband still wanted to put his car on my drive, and when, as they were planning on going on holiday for two weeks and I didn’t know when. If I hadn’t have texted her, I wouldn’t have even known they were going on holiday today, as my sister has never given me the exact dates. She texted me to ask if I wanted to come up and see my mother before they went. I think this was some kind of a ‘test’.
Well, yes, I did want to see my mother, but have been putting it off because of the atmosphere after the argument a few days ago. So I thought I would go and see her. If only to prove that I am not going to be intimidated by a bully. Or intimidated by the walking on eggshells, or the atmosphere.
When I got there (they only live a short distance away) you would think the argument had never taken place. Sis smiled and joined in the conversation and I sat with my mother while she packed for the holiday. I am used to this happening. One day I am labelled as the devil incarnate (usually because I won’t be bullied by my sister), the next day, I can be just a piece of furniture, something just there to be used, another day I might be called upon to help out in some way with my mother’s care. I am aware that my sister actually doesn’t love me very much, if at all, and I have known that for a very long time. She was and still is very jealous of me. She could never put aside her natural child jealousy for a sibling when she grew up.
You would never have known we had had words, and that we had just spent two days not even speaking. I think she has taken this as a sign that I have given in to her manipulation of the situation. I have done exactly that for years, just for the sake of peace.
I sat with my mother for an hour… she was very anxious as she didn’t want to go away on holiday (it’s early spring here and very cold). However the holiday has had to be right now because the builders are knocking through into the main house and joining the extension to the former kitchen. The noise from this building work is too much for my mother and that also makes her very tearful and anxious. Even though I used to dislike my mother, I felt so sorry for her. She is so defenceless against my sister’s machinations. Her home is not her home any more, it’s my sisters.
The fact that you may have some similar facial features because of genetics, and the fact that you have been in each other’s lives for 55 years, these don’t matter really when there is such a disparity in what each one of you values.
You are so right. It is all about values, and morals. The only thing that worries me is that we both have children, and they will be upset, if I choose to go no contact, I am well aware that this will spread through the wider family and will make others unhappy. No-one can sit on a fence forever. Eventually they are going to take sides, either for or against me… and that is the only thing that makes me pause, stop, think. But I can’t go on like this for the rest of my life either. This makes me think that maybe I should wait until my mum passes.
If I do this while my mother is still with us, then the ‘crime’ also includes abandoning my mother to her fate, and failing as a daughter to help and protect her. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. It doesn’t matter what my decision is, it’s going to hurt someone. Which is why I procrastinate and let things slide. Always hoping that it will go away, but it’s never going to, is it?
It takes so much courage to stand up to my sister. All my life I have been told, you should love your little sister, you should forgive her, she’s younger than you, she’s only a baby, you should be ashamed of not liking her… Forgive, forgive – how many times do you let yourself be used and abused and keep forgiving them, before you say enough is enough? How much more of a doormat do I want to be?
I could tell you some tales about my sister’s treatment of me over the years (and my mother condoning that behaviour) that would truly shock anyone.
What difference will it make if I have an interest in any future inheritance or not? When it comes down to it, my sister is going to make darned sure that there is no money left. I don’t care about that for myself, I am not motivated by money. But eventually, my mother is going to need specialist care, and is going to need to go into a care home. But there won’t be any money left for a good home. Good homes cost a lot of money here. The welfare state will pick up the bill most of the time for people who need a care home but have no money, but it’s the cheapest they can find. The poorest of care and the lowest standards.
That above is the motivation I have for looking after my mother’s money I suppose. I don’t have the money to pay for her eventual care. My sister has declared herself bankrupt twice, and spends every penny she has. She has no idea how to save money for a rainy day.
My sister thinks that she will be able to look after my mother until she passes, but if my mother lives for a lot longer, the dementia will progress past the point where she will be able to cope. It is unrealistic to think otherwise. I think I mentioned earlier that I have a suspicion that once my sister has spent all of my mother’s money on the house and spent all of her savings she will no longer be of use and will be put into a care home anyway. A poor one.
I’m not sure if I need a solicitor or a counsellor! LOL.
So often, Family is just another Foul word (what do you think about this line, reads poetic to me)
I think this is a great line. Brilliantly put. I do truly respect you for what you have done and the decision you have made. You are an amazing person, Anita.
I mentioned my ‘Dysfunctional Family’ to a solicitor last year… he said there was no such thing as a ‘Functional Family’, well not in his line of business! 🙂
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