So Anita, it turns out that I’m not crazy, an over thinker, or dealing with childhood issues that are reflecting on to my relationship….because my boyfriend was lying the entire time.

He finally, after months of questioning him, going to therapy for my relationship anxiety for constant questioning, about to start anxiety medication, ruining day after day of my present moment focusing on if he was lying….he finally admitted he was lying. Don’t ask me why he decided sunday would be a good day after we signed our apartment together, booked a plane ticket to California for this upcoming month, and so much other plans but he did. I finally caught him in something that he just had to admit he was hiding stuff from the past.

He had sex with another girl last August when we broke up for less than a week, and kissed a girl in October the DAY after we broke up because he had actually drunk texted the girl he had sex with in August when he got drunk and we got into a fight— which lead to the break up and him kissing that girl the next day.

I feel like my life has fallen apart, once again. Once again like it just did in April when he admitted to having sex with a girl in October of 2015 after we had broken up. If you only knew the amount of times I have asked my boyfriend to be truthful with me. I would send him long text messages at least once a week and ask him probably 3 times a week and every single time he would either right be a response including how much he loves me now and how changed he has been the last 9 months and how he learned to not lie because he saw what it did to me the first time, and how he is being honest about everything and there is nothing else, NOTHING that i don’t know. and the entire time there was. He saw me crying, suffering, going crazy with anxiety, and he couldn’t even tell me the truth. The truth I asked for so many times.

I havent talked to him after his message. But he has sent me non stop emails, text messages, etc. Saying how people change and he was so scared to hurt me because he saw what it did to me last time and how he just wanted to move forward and move in together and forget about the person he was etc etc etc. I get he’s changed and I know he wouldn’t do those things now but he literally looked at me suffer in agony for so long with so many doubts and made me look like the crazy one when in reality my intuition was right the entire time… I had all this anxiety because I wasn’t listening to my gut feeling.

I also wanted to talk to you about my mindset which I am sure as an adult you are going to think is so childish but in reality I really think it would make me feel better. I really feel like I need to go out, talk to boys, kiss a couple, “modernly date” before I even consider getting back with him. I know this sounds ridiculous but I am sick of feeling like the victim. I feel like in our situation if we get back I would feel a lot better saying “ok you know what we both did stupid things when we were broken up lets move on from that and focus on the future”. I feel like me ever getting back with him without that.. I am going to throw myself a pity party for the rest of my life. Thinking wow I sat here, loyal, doing nothing, while you were having sex with girls. And I just don’t want to feel that way….  I also, when Im struggling picturing him with another girl I want to be able to picture myself with another guy.. or him think about me with someone else knowing well thats what I get for screwing around. I feel like if we don’t talk for a couple of weeks, and I lets say kiss another boy I think he’s going to take him lying more seriously because he’s going to tell himself wow, if she catches me in a lie she’s really going to leave me and move on to another boy, she’s not scared.

I think he’s taken advantage of how forgiving I’ve been and how I act every time we break up that its not a big deal to him… I think I need to scare him, show him I could be just as bad and break his heart, and that I am not putting up with this anymore, or just leave him all together because clearly he’s not trustworthy.

The only reason I am so confused on what to do is because first of all we just signed an apartment together, we were broken up in all the incidents (even though its wrong because it was always for a couple of days…), and I know he’s changed and he’s shown me that. I know there are no incidents in the last 10 months, I know he wouldn’t do any of those things again, but again…the lying is still in the present.

I am so conflicting Anita, please give some insight, ideas, or advice on this situation. Thank you always.

Anita,

The l don’t want to teach my boyfriend a lesson by getting with another man. Its more for myself. I feel like everytime we broke up I let him take control of me and I would sit at home crying acting like a child when I should’ve embraced myself, went out with my friends, enjoyed life and said oh well if he wants to break up well I am not going to sit around moping about it for days, and thats what I did. I think he’s taken advantage that I am such a good girlfriend that I sit at home doing nothing that would make him mad, taking him back days later, that he can’t take me seriously. I feel that IF we got back together it would have to be in at least one month. I need to show him that I can do my own stuff too, I can leave him and still enjoy life.

Now, about HIM. Yes we were talking one day and he said he just didn’t really care to lie to people. I think he was being too “literal” because as human beings we all lie… it was always about stupid stuff. I mean one time he told me he lied to his ex that he was home and he was at his friends house… like nothing huge this is the first occurrence that I know of.

I understand your opinion on that he “didn’t” betray me, but I don’t understand how it isn’t betrayal. Yes he was single…but for like 4 days. I think many people would agree that it is the right thing to do to tell your partner.. and that you should always be honest with them. I asked him multiple times about the incident and he always said no. Maybe he is a pathological liar? I don’t know. Will I ever know?? I think what kept me asking him questions constantly was because I only found out about the first girl because I knew he slept at her house because we all share locations with our friends on Find My Friends and I knew he was there. And he was still lying about that situation AND I KNEW ABOUT IT. So I would always tell myself I wonder what there is that i just have NO CLUE ABOUT… I wonder what he’s hiding and its so easy to lie because I have no clue. Now that he’s told me these incidents, that I really would’ve never had any clue about…I guess I feel better in a way that he ACTUALLY came forward about something.

About him being mentally ill? I am not aware…. What he expresses to me is that he wasn’t sure if our relationship was going to last, he wasn’t that serious about it, there were times he wanted to enjoy college, but in the last 10 months…thats all changed. He said he really realized how much he loved me and he wanted to be serious. and he has been he’s proven this to me. He said that he didn’t want to tell me because he was scared to lose me over mistakes he made in our what he likes to call it “old relationship”. I think thats the issue here.

He doesn’t want to deal with the type of guy he was and he wanted to move forward, live together, grow together, and he didn’t want his past stupidity to ruin the future he now saw. Im not sure how that makes someone ill for staying with me? Im sure he was in distress and annoyed that I couldn’t “move on with him”, but at the end of the day he knows I wasn’t wrong and he knows he was lying and he knew he couldn’t tell me if he wanted this big “future” to happen. He’s only 21…I don’t think men really at this age see what lying really does, they see it more as a way to avoid drama. He also told me he saw what the first incident did to me that he never wanted to cause that pain to me again so he rather suffer himself, then tell me.

Anita,

So I have taken a month off and just want to update you on my life and what’s happened with my boyfriend I would really appreciate it. I’m going to be as open as possible and explain to you every detail he has told me and what I have noticed myself as well.

I am sure you can remember that I for a while have had relationship anxiety about my boyfriend lying to me about (the first time) he kissed someone while we were broken up for a short amount of time. This first lie caused lots of insecurity in the relationship and I started doubting everything in our first “rough” year of  relationship. I ended up being correct because two other times when we broke up there were 2 girls involved. And that’s that.

I remember in your last post you share much of the same opinion my grandma has on the duration. She tells me he should have never told me. Which you have taken the side of since the beginning because you said it was not any of my business WHAT he did and I had no business interrogating him and he should’ve left me from how crazy I was acting.

Now let me explain what my boyfriend has been telling me. Let’s start with my boyfriend’s history. He’s had 2 previous relationships nothing over a year and what he likes to call “jokes” he said he wasn’t in love and it wasn’t serious. His breakups with his ex’s were apparently stupid and they would get back together and then never talk again. Unlike him, I had all my time to be single the first 18 years of my life since he was my first boyfriend. We got into a relationship 5 months after he broke up with his ex aka he never got to enjoy college.

He says when he got to my college it was a different world. It was fun, he had never had so many friends, and it was the time of his life. He said that his dad would tell him not to settle and just enjoy life. Meanwhile, all his friends were doing just that. Not setting, bringing girls home every night, going out together getting wasted and living “college”. Meanwhile, I was the complete opposite. I had my single crazy time, so we would argue constantly because we were on two separate pages. He was constantly pressured to enjoy college and it didn’t help that I was becoming controlling possessive crazy and honestly just not what a guy would want in a relationship. He says this is what led him to do the things he did when he finally “broke out of the relationship” without much thinking about it.

He states that he lied at first because he would office that he actually wanted to have a girlfriend and he missed me and if he told me I wouldn’t take him back. He said he knew he loved me but he wasn’t so sure if this was going to ever be passed college because I was crazy and mean but he loved me. I’ll admit it being my first relationship and having a mother that controls my dad a lot I thought that was healthy when it in fact is not.

Then what I always tell you, my boyfriend says he went through some change of heart and perception. He says that he realized that I was the one and how much he loved me and that he was sick of playing games and he wanted to grow up and be the man for me. And he has kept that promise to me. He says he was scared to tell me and that he didn’t want to be this perfect guy thay he knew he could be and ruin it by admitting to his past mistakes. I know you said someone that isn’t mentally well would only put up with constant questioning but he said he would rather do that than lose me and he had a sense of guilt within him that he didn’t care if I asked or drove him crazy because he knew he had done wrong.

He said he wanted to be honest with me finally and start this new chapter in our life with only good memories and if we were ever going to get married in the future he wanted that to be based off honesty and not his childish mistakes when his mentality wasn’t made up about what he wanted. He says it knows it wasn’t fair but that he knows he’s changed so much that he didn’t want to live this life without me and he thought if he told me I would leave me. He also says that he saw what the first girl did to me that he couldn’t even fathom to tell me there were others.

He says he knows he’s a great guy and that I’ll never understand the phases guys go through but that he is so sorry. He even came over and talked to my parents and my little brothers as well. He talked to my mom alone for hours explaining to her how he was so sorry and how he is being so honest and he knows he can be the best man for me. After this conversation my mom told me that I should focus on all his good qualities that are so rare to find in men these days and that I should focus on how he is and how he has been and how I am a very difficult girl (honestly I know I am not easy and I know I haven’t been this best girlfriend and he adores me) I know that man would do ANYTHING for me.

I really would like to continue my relationship with him and move past everything and now that I think** I know everything just forget it, and even if I DONT know everything to just move forward and focus on today and the future instead of caring what happened 1-2 years ago and just focus on the changed man I have in front of me. But I don’t know how to do that… I know I need to make changes in myself or I’m going to push him away and I know he needs to make changes and really really show me how honest he is with me and how nothing like that is going to happen again and that he is SURE what he wants and isn’t going to put me through that constant uncertainty again..I know he’s so serious about me I mean what guy at 21 wants to move in with his girlfriend and not all his friends . His dad has also spoken to me about how he feels and how happy his son is with me and how I’ve changed him and how he told me to really start forward and move on to the next step.

Now that I have told you everything do you think there is a chance this can be a strong relationship, a healthy one, can we really just “start over”? Do you think this was a phase? Do you think his actions only happened because of this phase he went though or does it speak of his character as he is just a malicious intentionally dishonest person? I know you’ve helped many people on here, do you see young men go through this a lot? I sometimes feel that if you’re going to be in a relationship so young you’re going to have to grow with your partner and that includes going through these stupidity phases together and coming out stronger and closer but I’m not sure. As for myself I’m trying to be a better girlfriend And I really just want to NOT CARE about the past and just start fresh.

Hmm. I actually have no idea about that I couldn’t even try to explain it a little bit. I would hate to be in his position and I told him recently that if he is still hiding stuff he is never going to be happy with himself and is always going to carry around something and why would someone want to do that? Our relationship will never develope and we will keep moving backwards if I find something out new every couple of months. Why is he scared to be honest about everything at once? Why didn’t he tell me everything the firs time? Why live with guilt? Something I really can’t do.

He doesn’t know I post online and he’s so private he would probably think it’s a bad idea that I do so I don’t think it’s a good idea if I told him to post. I have some other things I was reflecting on the last couple of hours.

I think that I am afraid to be happy with him because I focus TOO much of my happiness solely on him. I dread thinking in the present moment what happened in the past or what will I find out in the future to avoid me from being vulnerable and happy, when really…. I have to focus that I AM my own happiness. I think being so consumed the last year on everything but the present is ruining our relationship. I have been since the first wrong doing of his living scared. Scared makes me crazy or controlling and controlling and crazy makes him rebel randomly break up with me and makes him lie (maybe to be back in control???)

i think I am so controlling and such a strong personality woman while hes passive and submissive and timid with himself that the only thing he feels he has control of his maybe his lies? He’s mistakes? I am not sure. From my understanding and his constant words and paragraphs and emails it was a phase. A phase is all he can call it and a constant unhappiness being together when we first got to college that when he would be single he would feel free and just say “f it” I’m doing whatever I want and I’m not going to think about the consequences.

My boyfriend agreed that he will go to counseling to talk about why he lies and why he is okay with lying and living with that guilt. I think I’m going to go to our school counseling center explain & then him go to the same person later on.

can you explain your response post a little easier? I think I am quite confused. If I had a better understanding I could probably answer your questions! Or tell you about his history etc.

Oh another thought maybe you can listen to is soomwtimes I think… if I’m nice… and he’s thinking in his head I’m lying to her and she’s nice and forgiving me…. then I look stupid and like a fool to him. Does that make sense? It’s like if I sit here and I’m like I love you so much you’re my bestfriend you’re my everything I forgive you. Anne might still be lying…. then I look like an idiot. But at the same time…. this can happen with anyone? A bestfriend a family member. You can be nice and loyal and they can be talking behind your back. It’s life. And I can’t see it that way. Odd? advice? In addition to my previous post.