Anita,

I wanted to talk to you today after my session today where we really focused on my boyfriend. My therapist has come to the conclusion obviously that the content of my obsessions isn’t what is important (my obsessions regarding my relationship) its what the obsessions make me feel. That the problem in my relationship isn’t my boyfriend its me (much like you said multiple times). Now she mentioned that she things a big issue regarding my relationship is that I don’t feel safe because of the past we had. She believes my obsessions are because I am scared to be happy and hurt. It is easier for me to hurt myself, than for someone else to hurt me because I still am in control. Since in the beginning of the relationship I had no security because there were secrets being kept and we would break up very often, its hard for me to find a sense of security in a changed man. I know my boyfriend now wouldn’t do anything he did in the past as he to me he finally had a revelation of our relationship and loves me more than ever and we communicate very well now and were headed in the most amazing direction.

My question is Anita, will this sense of security ever come back? I mean I can only assume if were not breaking up at all in the next year (haven’t in the last 8 months, longest we ever haven’t) and were being open and honest and the trust is getting rebuilt, I find myself being able to eventually feel VERY secure after our relationship is stable and consistent for a long period of time.

Now next session, were going to focus on my safety insecurity. The need to always be in control and not trust others. There have been times in my life where I haven’t felt safe. Growing up in a physically abusive home until I was 4 might just be enough.. or maybe after the movie I watched how I just didn’t feel “safe” with older men because of it, so I chose to avoid all of them. I know if I don’t fix this issue, I am never going to be able to have a relationship with anyone. Please give your input you are always so wise! Thank you! 🙂

Thank you Anita for your always genuine amazing advice. I definitely agree with you that I have to learn that I’m never going to be “safe”, it is something I struggle with having anxiety and all. I want to ask you how you feel about this situation.

So the other day my boyfriend and I were talking about how or phones had gotten stolen multiple times in our life. I told him oh remember when yours got stolen that night at college (while we were broken up that time with the girl) and he goes my phone never got stolen? Just my wallet and my keys that night. He went to sleep. I panicked and panicked omg why did he lie WHERE was he, WHO was he with, if he had his phone…. he could’ve been anywhere. At the time we shared locations and his was off because his phone was off. The thing is I remember at this time that he sent me a police report stating how they had found an iPhone wallet and keys, so I knew he must have forgot. But then it went to…. HE said HE slept at home, but how if he didn’t have his keys? Panicked. I woke him up at 6am saying I’m sorry but are you sure you slept at home if you didn’t have your keys and he’s like idk I probably slept on the couch that was so long ago and I was so drunk that night I don’t know. Then… 5 minutes later he goes ACTUALLY I slept outside of Starbucks on campus I didn’t want to tell you because it’s so embarrassing and I didn’t want you telling anyone.

I know this makes sense because his belongings were found on campus and he said he lost it walking super drunk and he got frustrated because he didn’t know where he was and he just sat down and fell asleep.

But I’m just so annoyed that I didn’t know this before… I know I’ve asked about that night before maybe not in a really really long time but I definitely did. Do you think he has like a lying issue??? Is this even something serious??? Why do I feel like I have the need to know everything about my boyfriend. Like if I don’t know something it’s considered hiding. Like at the time we weren’t together it was so stupid and irrelevant with everything else’s going on I’m sure he didn’t care about it but why does it bother me so much that he kept this from me…

Good Morning Anita,

so yesterday I had a really long serious talk with my boyfriend. I told him how unhappy I am with myself and that I hate being this crazy jealous and insecure girlfriend. I told him I know it’s his actions that have caused me to become like this but I’m not sure if I could change back to how I was with or without him. I told him I don’t want to break up but I am not sure if love is enough to stay in a relationship. I told him how I HAVENT really forgiven him for his actions and I am beyond scared to get hurt or surprised again.

I tried to explain to him that my biggest fear in life is someone coming up to me telling me something I didn’t know and me finding out once again that he hasn’t been truthful with me. 8 can’t make myself vulnerable again to let that happen. I told him I can’t stay like this and I’m going to have to do a lot of work on myself and we’re going to have to work together because things cannot stay like this.

He again talked to me reassured me that he’s not lying. He tells me that back then he just didn’t care as much and didn’t think our relationship was going to make it past college. He tells me how he was immature stupid and was being influenced by all the wrong people. He also talked to me about the girl he got involved with and States how he had liked her before me so when she came around he wanted to hang out hook up whatever it may be only because they had a past. He reassure some me that he never once tried to talk to a random girl and that’s never been his personality. I understand why he did what he did and maybe why he lied but I can’t find myself able of full trusting at the moment.

Now this is my favorite part. After talking and me explaining what I’m scared of my boyfriend says it’s not healthy to live in the past and we need to move forward and I completely agree… but then he says…. if you were to find something out later why does it matter if it was in the past? Why are you so stuck in the past?…. this turned my stomach. Is he insinuating that there is something else that happened? Is he trying to understand why I would care to know??? I tried to tell him that LYING about it is in the present and i can’t find out again that he’s been lying or I’m going to be devastated. He says he understands and that it came out wrong, that he’s just saying why does the past matter so much etc. but it’s not the past, it’s the lying and betrayal that I’m scared of. I’m scared to become vulnerable again and LET someone make me happy. I’m not sure he understands or ever will understand. Really in a tough place because I’m not getting better. And I know I’m not getting better because I have gotten into the cycle of asking a question everyday and doubting him and googling and thinking to myself constantly about what he may be lying about and how he’s going to hurt me again. I know I’m miserable because I PUT MYSELF in this cycle and haven’t gotten out, but I’m not sure if I can get out of this cycle being with him. I really don’t want to break up with a great guy because I can’t get myself together.

Anita,

Thinking of breaking up does cause me a great amount of distress I can’t figure out if it’ll be more distress than staying, it would be a different type of distress. I feel like that would bring me short term relief let’s say for a week, and then I can see myself panicking. Thinking omg did I really just end my relationship because I couldn’t figure myself out, control myself, live in the present, and just forgive….. I find myself thinking how I would leave and just hate myself for it. Not to mention everything else a break up brings with it which is already enough. I would be losing my bestfriend… We have so many exciting things planned for this fall. I would have to find myself again START over START doing things single people do and I’m just not interested… i just want RELIEF. I want to be happy and feel safe and secure and remember that happiness comes from me. I wish I could just realize the extent of what he did which is just so like not HUGE or HORRIBLE and just forgive and let go and enjoy the relationship I have now… I really don’t know what steps to take.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t want to give up without being anxious FREE, I don’t think making decisions in an anxious state is a good idea. So I think what I’m asking is if you think it’s a good idea to get myself together see how many days I can go without asking questions, and seeing if that makes me happier. Then see how long I can go without doubting my relationship and living in the past and see if it makes me happy and that way I realize it was only my mindset that was making me miserable not my relationship and not my boyfriend.

I think he is a good person who made a bad selfish decision. I know I’ve made bad decisions like all of us have.

But this mindset I have had for the last 2 months is just changing my perspective on everything. This summer was supposed to be the most fun summer and this was supposed to be the most fun upcoming fall and I can’t seem to be in the moment or move on from the past. Its a constant nagging feeling when I wake up in the past every single day, how can I possibly be happy? and then when someone has anxiety you question everything. So I ask myself am i still in love? am i just over it? did i get everything i needed from this relationship? was he just a lesson? and as my negative mindset continues, my feelings obviously change. But I think if I wasn’t in this mindset and I wasn’t thinking about the past every single day and bringing up old feelings and mistakes, I think I really would be happy.

Everyone in my situation would be happy and I can’t see that. Everyone that knows whats happened between me and boyfriend still continues to be in awe of how amazing he is. Even my family is like don’t let that one go, and my friends are always saying “you guys make my heart happy” and everyone just loves us and sees our relationship and my friends even tell me like i don’t know how he handles you thats literally the guy meant for you. Like everyone sees it except me because Im constantly clouded with anxiety.

I have the most accepting and loving boyfriend and Ill never understand why I can’t just FORGIVE. I think all these feelings are caused by resentment and really not truly forgiving him. Do you have any advice on how to TRULY forgive someone? He’s told me constantly how sorry he is and the reasoning behind it ( I didn’t think our relationship was really going to last past college, I didn’t know if I even wanted to be in a relationship, I was really selfish and immature, and I’ve lied to people around me my entire life without even caring, but you changed me and I promise to never be that guy again and you’re the only girl I want to marry etc). Like he is giving me everything I want to hear, he’s staying true to his word, he’s changed his actions, whats holding me back? What is holding me back from forgiving? I honestly don’t even know if I have EVER truly forgiven someone… when I have had friends that have done me wrong I never look back I never forgive I simply just take them out of my life, even family members sometimes… I tell myself all the time that God put my boyfriend in my life to make me a better person, a less selfish person, a more loving person, and a person that accepts that people have flaws and just like God forgives all of us I need to learn how to forgive my boyfriend…but why is this so hard? Why is there so much hurt? Why can’t i see the situation for what it is and not some crazy horrible deceitful affair or something. Why am I seeing this situation in such a dramatic bad light?