Getting back with an Ex

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This topic has 46 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.

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January 7, 2019 at 12:53 pm #272871

grounded
Participant

Edit: He just texted me asking to see a movie this evening. Now i’m even more confused!

January 7, 2019 at 1:12 pm #272875

Anonymous
Guest

Dear grounded:

I suppose you will be out with him this evening, seeing a movie. You will then ask him about getting back together, into an exclusive bf/gf relationship, no dating sites?

If you do, talk about how to make it work this time, what changes need to be made. Better learn from the past so to make the future better.

anita

January 7, 2019 at 1:27 pm #272885

grounded
Participant

Thanks Anita,

I’m not sure if I should go this evening, but I should definitely bring up my text anyways and memorize it and talk about it.

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond

January 7, 2019 at 1:33 pm #272889

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, grounded. I hope you post again with an update. I think you expressed your feelings well in that text.

anita

January 8, 2019 at 8:18 am #273039

Valora
Participant

Definitely talk to him about your concerns but do it in person rather than through text. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that serious conversations like that should be avoided through text because it’s hard to convey tone. At the very least, talk to him over the phone if you decide not to see him in person, but I think your concerns are valid otherwise. Does it say when he signed up for the site? Is it possible he did it shortly after you two broke up as sort of a rebound, “getting back out there,” type of thing or has he been active on it recently?

January 8, 2019 at 8:30 am #273045

grounded
Participant

Hi Everyone

I talked to him in person yesterday, he seemed receptive..

He said he was on dating sites as a confidence booster, and looking for validation and that it’s fun meeting new people, but that it doesn’t really make him happy. It feels scary setting a boundary of exclusivity, since I want to be with him, but I don’t want to get hurt even more. He’s been active on it recently i think, and it makes me jealous. I want him to just want to be with me.

Anyways, I expressed my concerns almost word for word in that text, not to give him an ultimatum, but to tell him that he has a choice and that i’ll be ok (eventually :p) regardless of what he picks, but I can’t be in his life if he wants to date other people too.

He said he would sleep on it and think about it.. and let me know. Feels scary waiting for an answer!

January 8, 2019 at 9:19 am #273083

Anonymous
Guest

Dear grounded:

I think you did a good job, being honest and assertive with him. I hope to read an update from you soon.

anita

January 9, 2019 at 11:01 am #273447
grounded
Participant
Should I reach out to him if I don’t hear back? I have to accept an e-transfer from him this week and it gives me an opportunity to send a message to him as well, if I wanted to. Not sure If i should be telling him that he can take all the time he needs to figure it out, but to communicate and be open with me about where he’s at? or just a reminder of what I meant when I said those things? or just ask him what’s been going on for him the last couple days? Or maybe silence is just best and let him (and hope that he does) come to me?

or even just let him know that i’m here if he wants to talk about things /figure things out?

or should i just block him, delete his number and move on as hard as that will be?

(i’m not thinking clearly just feeling out my feelings).
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by grounded.
January 9, 2019 at 12:17 pm #273473

Anonymous
Guest

Dear grounded:

Best is for you to do nothing at this point. Give him the time to “sleep on it and think about it”. After all, it is not that you are in a hurry, in practical terms. You don’t have to say yes or no to another guy and have to hurry this one to make his decision.

It is just the anxiety that is rushing you.

Try to relax. If you are unable to relax, I guess blocking him will give you a temporary calm, so you don’t have to be in a waiting mode anymore. But it will only be temporary.

If you can, accept the possibility that he says a No, so that you are not waiting so anxiously. Accept the possibility that he doesn’t get back to you at all. That will be his silent No.

anita

January 10, 2019 at 7:43 am #273629

grounded
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thanks for being supportive through this process. Do you think I should send a message like this one:

New Years was so much fun, YOU made that happen, such a turn on when you show me you want to be with me. It seems silly for us to be apart when we live so close, and both have feelings. We could use the time to see eachother again, get to know eachother, flirt, play some squash and just have fun for a little while ? we dont’ have to tell anyone else yet, but being open and communicating with eachother about where we’re at is key, and i know you’re thinking about it so take the time you need. P.S. thanks for the king size bed experience ?

Or still do nothing? I’m having a hard time NOT reaching out, and letting him know what i want and think, but that might be the best thing to do?

Thanks,

Anna

January 10, 2019 at 7:57 am #273633

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Anna:

No, I don’t think it is a good idea, it reads almost like begging him and I would like to think that.. you think that it is beneath you to beg, or plead.

I understand that you feel a strong attachment to him, but I would like you to be stronger than that attachment and not let it take over you.

Notice that you wrote in your original post: “We broke up because we were not happy.. He didn’t have a job, his self esteem was taking a hit… I wasn’t happy because I was not getting my needs met”- what is the point of.. pleading for more of that?

There is a saying, “the heart wants what the heart wants”. The heart always wants the same thing: to love and be loved in return. Sometimes we incorrectly think that it must be this one man and no other, even when it didn’t work out in the past, even when it is unlikely to work out again. We hold on to the good memories and forget all the bad memories. We don’t think correctly, we don’t remember correctly.

Give up on him, stop waiting for him, is my suggestion. Aim at to-love-and-be-loved elsewhere. If love relationships didn’t work for you in the past, before this man, and you are losing hope, don’t despair. Learn from the past and approach the future in different ways that are much more likely to bring to you the love that you need. I will be glad to explore such ways with you if you are interested, when you are interested. Let me know.

anita

January 10, 2019 at 8:41 am #273641

Mark
Participant

Anna,

You said you were dating and living together for two years. I wonder what have you learned about yourself when you had been with him? What buttons did he push and how did you grow from that? What did you get to know about your values that you did not know before? What did you learn about loving yourself? What did you learn about honesty and communication?

Mark

January 10, 2019 at 2:35 pm #273725

Valora
Participant

Every fiber of your being might want to contact him right now and it might feel wrong if you don’t, but I still wouldn’t. I agree with what the others have said. You two really haven’t been broken up all that long, and you’d said you weren’t happy. Has anything really changed in that short amount of time? If the things that broke you up haven’t been fixed yet, they will eventually break you again, so it’s super, super important that you two have both fixed your issues first so that if you DO get back together, you won’t have the same problems.

January 22, 2019 at 7:49 am #276093

grounded
Participant

Hi All,

I received a text from him on Thursday saying: “You were right about dating sites. stupid. deleted them all.”

I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting and i’m still healing, i’m still re-learning to love myself and trying to be happy on my own regardless which is challenging as i have been meh for a while and I have not responded to his message since he didn’t really address me or us. I still miss him every single day and living with this hope that he might come back is hard. I think about him often, but i’ve started asking myself what this is all teaching me and take it one day at a time. I appreciate your support, it’s nice to have somewhere to talk about this.

January 22, 2019 at 8:19 am #276105

Anonymous
Guest

Dear grounded:

You are welcome.

He texted you Thursday: “You were right about dating sites. stupid. deleted them all”, and you didn’t respond to him Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon., correct?

And he didn’t text you anything since?

anita
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