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Friendship gone wrong

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  • January 19, 2026 at 9:27 am #454314
    Sonia
    Participant

    I will try to be short.

    I have a best friend (male) from 3 years ago. He suffered a lot in life, mostly depressed,Anxious, problems in relationships his whole life, etc

    At first i tried to be there always, at any hour. When he was low, i was worried, trying to see how to help, what to do
    We did a lot of activities together with him (me and my boyfriend) , every weekend we were together. Etc

    Seems nice, what a friend would do, right?

    But i did wrong and in December i cracked because of all these worries for him. Any upset for him was a worry for me (people pleasing at it’s finest)

    It was enough…i want to change and i am on my way already.

    My worry is that he will see all the bad things thag he already has in his life and if i want to be more distant, he will go in depression because of me also and i will feel guilty and what should i do…these worries don’t let me take the healthy boundaries for me.

    Any advice is good…

    January 19, 2026 at 10:05 am #454320
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sonia:

    It makes sense that you care about your friend — you’ve been carrying his pain on your shoulders for a long time. But caring for someone doesn’t mean sacrificing your own wellbeing. It’s okay to step back when the emotional load becomes too heavy.

    You’re not responsible for managing his depression or preventing his bad days. That’s his work, not yours. Wanting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re abandoning him — it means you’re finally taking care of yourself.

    A real friendship can survive healthy distance. And if he struggles, that doesn’t mean you caused it. You’re allowed to protect your own mental health.

    I wonder if you grew up, Sonia, with an anxious, depressed parent who suffered a lot?

    🤍 Anita

    January 19, 2026 at 11:00 am #454323
    Thomas168
    Participant

    Advice?? The only thing I can think of is to actually talk with him. Spell it out. Tell him how much you care about him as a friend. Reminder him of all the times you were there to help him. Then tell him about your own needs. Ask him to seek therapy or find someone who can help him in the way he really needs. You being there is more like a co-dependent. Are you assisting him in staying this way instead of getting better? Over time, he has got to change and get better cause you can not be there forever. Being honest and caring with your words. Make sure he understands that this type of relationship can not last forever this way. It has to change and become better. It has to allow for you to grow and have a life just like he must change and grow and have a life.

    Yeah, please don’t take my advice cause I do not give good advice. I see things differently.

    January 19, 2026 at 11:03 am #454324
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Sonia

    The difficulty with taking care of others is that they don’t develop the ability to take care of themselves. People need to be given the chance to fail.

    Your happiness is just as important as his. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself, just as it is his responsibility to take care of himself. 🩵

    You haven’t caused his issues, he had them long before he met you.

    If you do your best to take care of yourself, you can be a role model for him to do the same. A different kind of helping. A new chapter for you both. 🩵

    January 19, 2026 at 11:52 am #454327
    Sonia
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita!
    No, my childhood was really good but i am anxious as a kid mostly
    Now with people pleasing it just exploded 😅

    January 19, 2026 at 12:12 pm #454328
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sonia:

    It’s interesting that you said “I am anxious as a kid”, present tense. I know part of me is still the same kid I was half a century ago.

    What made you an 😟 anxious kid?

    🤍 Anita

    January 19, 2026 at 1:30 pm #454331
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Sonia

    It can be hard to get the balance right when being supportive to a needy friend.
    Maybe you can get him involved with volunteering or a hobby with other people to give him an alternative outlet & or you could start to do those kind of things for yourself & then he would understand that you have less time for him.
    Ultimately we want our friends to be happy & self-reliant.
    Like every one else has said you are not responsible for your friends depression.
    Once you put in place healthy boundaries you may start to enjoy being around him.
    Kind regards
    Roberta

    January 19, 2026 at 3:11 pm #454335
    Thomas168
    Participant

    Roberta,

    That is a great idea. When helping others, it is tough to feel depressed.
    Volunteering keeps one busy and when being around others, it helps one feel connected.

    January 19, 2026 at 5:44 pm #454339
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sonia:

    I’ll share with you what comes up for me as I read your short, original post. What I share is, of course, about me. Some of it may resonate with you, or not. But I figure my sharing can’t hurt you. And maybe, just maybe, it may help you just a bit

    When I cared so much as you seem to care about helping another person, it was about me trying to prevent the other person from hurting AS MUCH as I did; it was about being there for the other person like no one was there for me.

    It was about wanting to protect another person from what I had gone through.

    I’ve been ignored for so long growing up and beyond, so alone and lonely, that here, in these forums. I am driven to respond to everyone, every single day, so that no one is left unanswered. I’ve done this for more than a decade.

    Thing is. it’s MY drive. No one here in these forums has ever needed me anywhere close to how much I needed someone, anyone to HELP ME for too long.

    So, in regard to your friend, about your fear or concern that he’ll get more depressed if you set boundaries/ distance yourself from him, I wonder 🤔 if he really needs you as much as you imagine him needing you

    🤍`Anita

    January 19, 2026 at 11:14 pm #454345
    Sonia
    Participant

    This was direct to my heart&soul.
    Yes, i am afraid of my friend to go in dark places and i also didn’t wanted to be the “push” button for him to go there.
    But i see this js an irrational fear now…and this worry was way too heavy for me now to carry it on
    I started setting boundaries, which comes with a lot of anxiety as this is not my way of normally doing, but it is good for me.

    I haven’t expected these many answers…i am reading this blog for years now and now i can see why it is so special.

    Thank you!!!!

    January 19, 2026 at 11:41 pm #454348
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Sonia

    The only way through the darkness, is to go through it. Emotions can be painful, but they aren’t inherently dangerous. It is hard work, but you come out of it stronger. 🩵

    Well done on setting boundaries even though it makes you anxious. 🩵

    I hope you have a much lighter year ahead of you with less worries, more freedom and joy. 🩵

    January 20, 2026 at 8:51 am #454356
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sonia:

    You are very welcome! Setting boundaries, like you said, is good for you even though it doesn’t feel good. It’s good for other people too, that you set healthy boundaries because it makes you healthier, and healthier, you are better able to help people where and when you can.

    I am glad you decided to post. You are a good, caring person 😊 and I wish to read more from you in this thread, in a new thread or in others’ threads.

    🤍 Anita

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