I am sad to admit without sounding completely dysfunctional that I am back with my old boyfriend. We aren’t living in the same town, but he comes stays with me when he visits. What can I say? I love him a lot, and constantly mother him, but there isn’t any passion in our relationship. Also, when the other bastard did that to me, I completely went off the deep end, and quit working out & eating healthy. I’ve ballooned up like a pig and feel so ugly. I feel done ever trying to date again. Men don’t want women my age. They all think there is something wrong with me because I have never been married nor do I have kids. It’s funny the way life works out. That’s all I ever dreamed about when I was younger. I wanted to have my own family to take care of, but it never happened for me. I have always had health problems and was infertile for my reproductive years. It’s too late for me now.

I also work for the world’s most demanding, hypercritical, micromanaging boss who constantly sets the bar so high, I always end up failing in his eyes. He bothers me on the weekends when I am supposed to be off, and starts his weekends rounds at his property noticing things I didn’t do. Between what that bastard did to me, and the boss I work for as a personal assistant/estate manager, I am surprised I haven’t gone completely out of my mind. That’s for another forum altogether.

Back to the bastard, ya know, he has no earthly idea I took it that hard. I have never tried to reach out to him anymore, except for the two emails I sent. I don’t want him to have the pleasure of knowing I was so hooked on him. He doesn’t know that his hourly phone calls & texts were like medicine to me. He also used to give me much needed advice on how to handle my boss. I miss all of that so bad. I wish I knew if he still thinks about me. I know he is a piece of shit, but it would actually make me feel a ton better if I knew. Wow, I am a screwed up woman, aren’t I?

I don’t think that late night text was anything more than him being extremely drunk. I have stopped trying to analyze because I simply don’t care any more. Like Michelle said, for every high that I had with that guy, there were 10 lows. When I think back on my year long fling with that piece of shit, I now see someone being completeley manipulative. Like, for example, we spent a weekend last October at a five star resort, had room service, and stayed in a $1,500 a night suite. I paid for everything! Well, right after checkout, he said he wanted to go to this store to buy some binoculars for hunting season. I told him I wanted some too, since I work on a ranch and needed some. Well, we ended up at a sporting goods store near the resort, and he proceeded to pick out some $400 ones, then turned around and asked me to buy them. I was like, what? I had just spent thousands on this asshole, and it was never enough. I am started to be out of that intoxicating fog I was in to realize that the guy used me the whole time. The thing is, I treated him like a king, spent money on him, was fit, beautiful, etc., and he still chose to stay living in misery with the drug addicted wife who doesn’t lift a finger to help him, sits around popping pills all day, while her house gets filthier & filthier. He had a chance to get out of that situation, but he chose instead to treat someone like dirt, and go back to being a slave to an extremely ignorant, jealous, filthy drug addicted woman. I am over it! I hope he never bothers me again!

Yes, it is my long term boyfriend. This month will be actually 15 years. Why I went back with him, I know not. I guess I started realizing that my old boyfriend had traits I never really realized, like his sweetness, kindness to animals, helpfulness, etc. Or, maybe I was devestated and needed companionship. Whatever the reason is, I do realize it probably wasn’t the best decision. My boyfriend left me to go caregive foe his elderly parents. I know he felt a loyalty to them, and to me, but had to make the ultimate choice to leave. There was nobody else who would step up to the plate to care for them, unfortunately. Anyway, he is still living four hours away, but comes to visit once a month. We talk on the phone constantly too. Do I feel guilty about how I betrayed him? Yes, I do. I made the biggest mistake of my life with someone who wasn’t worth my time or attention. I am absolutely sickened that I felt so heartbroken about what that guy did to me. I suffered so badly when he quit communicating with me. I don’t think people realize what a blow to your confidence it is when someone ghosts after a year of having an intimate relationship. I have had so many feelings about it too, like what was wrong with me, was I too desperate-acting, did he notice I didn’t have a perfect body, what?! Well, it has taken months for me to figure it out: there was nothing wrong with me at all! It was HIS character defects, not mine. He is the one that is cruel enough to do what he did. It takes a special kind of animal to be that savage to another human being who was nothing, but generous & kind: to act like he was into me for over a year, call me pet names, text, email and call me constantly, take money & gifts from me, tell me he loved me & cared about me and then, turn around and just quit talking to me without any kind of explanation. He is just as savage as that thing he is married to. I regret not telling him in that email that I sent him that karma could come back & bite him in the ass. How would he like it if someone did the same thing to one of his daughters? So, let me just close this out by saying I am so relieved I don’t ever have to deal with that piece of shit ever again. Am I still angry? Bitter? Well, hell yes! Wouldn’t you be?

Update:

I am in utter disbelief, but I received another mysterious, late night text from my ex lover last night. This time, it wasn’t as cryptic. First of all, this text came in at 1 am (again.) It said, “hope you are doing well!” It went on to say that he was sorry he was such a p*ssy & wimp, and that he didn’t reach out because things got to hot at home. He asked me if I was ok, and wondered if I had moved after all. He told me that I was a wonderful woman & person and I deserve nothing, but the best. I went ahead and asked him why he was finally reaching out, and he said this:

“Not a day goes by..believe me..if you know what i mean. It was just to hot at home to reach out.”

He also told me he was just happy that I answered his text. I guess he was trying to reach out with that other weird text last month. He told me his kids were doing good, but he is having serious problems with other areas of his life, which I know what he means. I asked him if he still owned the rifle I had bought him. He also asked if I still had some of his things that he had left with me, and I said nope, I threw everything away back then. He said he understood and was sorry. As for the rifle, he answered that he did still have it, and that he treasured it, along with everything else, but if I wanted it back, he would give it to me. He said, “I have it with me right now, and also have the binoculars with me.” “Wish I had you.”

I told him that I don’t hold any animosity any longer, am happy, working hard and living a good life. He told me that was great.

I ended the texting by saying, “I know its late & all, take care of yourself, Sergio!”

He responded by saying, “you too, thanks!”

Okay, first of all, what does this mean? When he said “not a day goes by if you know what I mean..” What did that mean? Did it mean he thinks about me still? Why doesn’t he text during the day, like a normal person? Why is he waiting till late? He told me he was out at the ranch and hasn’t been there in a long time. What did it mean when he said “wish i had you.” I am wondering if he genuinely has been missing me and was scared to contact me, or is he just trying to see if he can get away with some hot phone sex again. I made it seem like I am living my life, and am happy. Actually, its true. I am living my life, and am somewhat happy. I don’t have to worry about him any longer!

I would like to discuss this, if anyone is up for it.