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Friend dumped me. How to deal with it

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  • January 27, 2020 at 2:14 pm #335152
    Manda
    Participant

    so some context to start – I have been friends with this person for almost 20 years. 2 yeRs ago she told me that my husband had cheated on me. I confronted him and it turned out he had cheated twice (we worked through this successfully) and that my best friend (the woman who told me) had also given him oral sex which he stopped halfway through. I confronted her and she denied it. I believed my husband as she had been a bit out of control with drinking of late due to a marriage breakdown and had tried to cheat a number of times with other peoples husbands. I decided to forgive her as I felt she wasnt her real self doing this. She still denied it but I know that it is true. I continued to be a friend to her. Anyway soon after I got stage 4 cancer and was told I had 1-2 years left to live. She stayed around as my friend through my treatment – seeing me from time to time. Anyway I have now been told I am in remission. She has now texted me and said she can no longer be friends with me because I believe what my husband has said she did. She said she remained my friend before because I was sick but now she needed to move on because he had defamed her. I am so angry that she is pretending to be a mater being the fake friend while I am sick and then dumping me when she wont look as bad!
    i can see that she is toxic but i still feel hurt and betrayed. I was willing to move on from her indescretion and never brought it up with her apart from when I confronted her. I treated her like the friend I had always had. Anyway – please help with suggestions on moving on from this friendship and how to build new healthy relationships.

    January 28, 2020 at 11:14 am #335532
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Manda,

    Being friends with someone who (according to your husband) gave him oral and had tried to (successfully?) cheat with other people’s husbands (according to her?) is a little over the top.

    It’s good of you to still be her friend. But let me tell you, sometimes when people have a reputation or have actually done something over the top, they can’t deal with it.

    Let’s say she did that with your husband and you believe it happened. She can’t deal with it.

    Let’s say she did nothing wrong and your husband is talking out of his azz and you believe him. She can’t deal with it.

    She could barely handle that you, the Stage 4 cancer victim, beneficently forgave her. But now that you are a hard broiled cancer survivor she really can’t handle it.

    Tell her that you’re not going to apologize for believing your husband. And that you hope she conducts herself like a lady in the future.

    You don’t need that kind of drama in your life! Believe me, there are PLENTY of worthy people to be friends with who wouldn’t give other people’s husbands a thought on their worst days.

    Best,

    Inky

    January 28, 2020 at 12:14 pm #335546
    Valora
    Participant

    I think your feelings of hurt and betrayal are completely normal, and you’re going to have to just give yourself time to feel them as they come up and then let them pass. Eventually, it won’t sting as much, and it sounds like you realize you’re not losing a great friendship here, so once you get past these feelings of betrayal, you should feel much better and also won’t be friends with someone who would be involved with your husband… that was a huge betrayal in my book. A friend should NEVER do that, let alone a best friend.

    Is it possible that part of you could also be mad at yourself for trying to forgive her and move on despite what you know she did, only to have her turn around and act like you are the one in the wrong? I had someone do something similar to me a few years ago (not involving cheating, but still betrayal) and when I dug deep, I realize part of my anger was coming from me feeling foolish at myself. I was mad at me, too.  If that’s the case for you, as well, again, it’s natural… it’s just something worth recognizing, feeling, and then forgiving yourself for trying to do what you felt was the right thing to do at the time, and letting it go.

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