Hey SereneWolf,

I am doing similarly, still no big breakthrough in healing…

Oh good! Here’s another one I kinda created from the conversation we had, I am enough, just as I am, and I am worthy of all the good things that life has to offer.

That one is great too!

No actually not turning against me but like fake youj know?… I don’t like those kinds of people who just do something for me just because they want something from me. That’s not love. That’s simply like a business transaction. For example when I decide to help someone I don’t think I should only help this person if someday he/she can help me

Yeah I know what you mean – when you feel that their kindness is not sincere, but it comes with an expectation of you doing them a favor in the future, of giving them something in return. Yes, I’ve met such people. Don’t like them either…

Yes I’m keeping my cool but like you said sometimes I’m just boiling inside

Right, you seem “calm and composed”, but that’s because you’re good at controlling yourself and not letting it show. But inside, you feel very angry. As I said, I think a part of that anger isn’t related to the actual person standing in front of you, but it’s the anger at your father… and so you overreact (internally) to the person, although it doesn’t show on the outside. Or at least it’s not so obvious…

Ah right it’s been a while since I did journaling, I should start this good habit. But for this setting I should just write down what I feel and how can I make it better?

There is this youtube channel that I like, called the Crappy Childhood Fairy, which is focused on healing from C-PTSD. And she teaches a method of daily journaling, which she calls “The Daily Practice.” The video describing it is titled “Calm Anxiety – Learn this simple technique 15 minutes“. She explains how she writes down all her fears and resentments, meditates on it a little, and then she asks God (for those who believe) to remove them. Or for non-believers, they can say they are ready to release those fears and resentments.

I do it a little differently, but I do write things down, and usually have some insight about what’s behind my fear or resentment, and it makes me feel better.

Oh right you explained it very well. So I just need to make myself feel worthy again?

Yes, you’d need to really accept that you are worthy, special and unique. That you have gifts and talents, and that your contribution is important and valuable. That you and your contribution matter. That you are important.

Do you think you could do it, or you still have doubts?

Hi SereneWolf,

good to hear from you again!

Well in-person we met like total 5 times only. And yeah so for me telling someone I love them comes with lot of responsibilities (Which I’m always trying to run away from) Because then there are just lot of rules as a lover you know. And after admitting I prefer to follow those rules no matter what.

I see… meeting 5 times in total isn’t too much. And I understand you don’t want to rush things. Specially because you’re still working on yourself and trying to heal. You’re taking it slowly, and I actually think it’s good.

Yeah so about this, I’m still learning how to express myself and not always hide if I’m showing that I’m not calm with that thing yet even though I am, That would be lying, Don’t you think so? And Yeah I accept it’s just my non-attachment towards her talking

Yes, if you’d pretend to be upset when you’re not – that would be dishonest and lying. Better be true to yourself – even if your truth at this point is to be more reserved than she would prefer to.

I’d like to correct something I said last time, and it’s this:

However, it doesn’t mean that she likes when you are being cool and not eager towards her. Because those are two different things – how you behave with others and how you behave with her.

Actually I was thinking about it, and those are not two different things. Because it’s still you in both of those situations, and you have fear of expressing emotions, both anger and resentment, as well as love and attachment. (You’re working on it, so don’t worry, you’ll get there). But anyway, we can’t suppress negative emotions selectively without suppressing positive emotions as well. So if you suppress anger, you cannot express love freely either. That’s how we operate.

Right now, your “calm and composed” stance in social situations is more due to the suppression of anger and self-control, right? Likewise, your slightly distant and detached stance with your girlfriend is a part of the same pattern. It’s not really your true self, but a defense mechanism. But it’s the same pattern: suppressing emotions, keeping a distance, which you exhibit both in social situations and in intimate relationships.

So I was wrong when I said those are two different things. They are not – it’s the same defense mechanism working in you. But as I said, don’t worry about it, you’re working on it.

I was speechless after hearing this! I couldn’t even say anything for a minute. I was thinking like what should I even say to this.

Yes, that was a powerful and very honest confession of hers! She is very self-observant and she realized she had expectations on you, even though you told her you want to go slowly. You told her your own limitations, but she still expected you’d break free from those limitations – just for her. She hoped she would be the one to finally “melt your heart”, so to speak. Well, that’s a very good self-reflection and I like her for being so honest. But I also like your response, it was really great:

But I said “I’m sorry you feel that way but I’m still working on myself, healing myself if I take things faster I worry that I might hurt your feelings and my first priority is that not giving you discomfort or hurt you just because of me.”

Amazing, mature response! You re-stated your current limitations and boundaries, and you stood by them. But you were also kind and caring towards her, telling her you don’t want to hurt her by those limitations/boundaries. And so you are letting her decide how to proceed. Well done, SereneWolf!

She went on trip with her sister so when she’ll be back she’ll think about this matter.

Good! I like that you can talk to each other so honestly. That’s a good sign. I hope it’s not the end of your relationship, but even if it is, you handled this very well. Very maturely. Kudos to you! 🙂

Hi SereneWolf,

sorry for not replying earlier, I’ve been feeling slightly down due to my health.

So this defense mechanism is like still part of me or just something I’m using as a block for intimate relationships?

I think this defense mechanism (suppressing your emotions) is active both in your social interactions and in your intimate relationships. In social interactions, you mostly suppress anger and are trying to hide it, so that it doesn’t show. In your previous relationship (LDR) you were also trying to suppress anger at your girlfriend when she wouldn’t show up for a date, or when she wouldn’t follow your advice regarding a healthy lifestyle or similar. So you were suppressing your anger there too.

In this relationship you didn’t speak so much about getting angry, but it’s more like you didn’t show too much enthusiasm for her. You showed a certain detachment. So the emotion in this case was missing, rather than suppressed. I know a part of it is because you were still in the early phases of the relationship. But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.

Thank a lot for your encouragement. I did learn things from you so thanks to you as well.

You’re welcome!

So yeah, I do like her vulnerability and honesty. But I think her older emotions are still strong. And to be honest I totally understand her dilemma as well but I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t sure about me. So, when she’ll come back I’ll tell her No. I’m not worried about ending this relationship. It’ll take few days but I’ll be alright.

I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? 🙂 However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave? Because originally you weren’t upset about it, you told her to decide what she wants. But now you’re changing your attitude…

Please don’t get me wrong – you have absolutely every right to say No to her. And indeed, if she is hesitating, it’s not a good sign. But just be honest with yourself and examine what the real reason for rejecting her is.

I’ll reply to your second post in a separate post…

Hi SereneWolf,

Providing financially is okay for me and I’m doing that. But it’s also general like my father now don’t tell me things to do in certain way but still kinda pinpoint what others are doing and it’s frustrate me a lot like why do you have to care what they’re doing? Can’t you be satisfied once with what we have? Same with my grandfather whenever I call him.

I see… they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?

For my mother she’s just still overly protective (I know there’s some fault of mine as well for this) She literally tells me to lock the door before sleep. Like mom I know I’m not a child anymore.

Well, that’s harmless, in my opinion. That’s what mothers do. What she used to do in the past – to plead with you to tolerate your father’s abuse – that was harmful. But this I think is harmless…

Right and you know I got another idea for this. Taking voice notes like as I said before when I was feeling frustrated after talking on call with my father, I take voice notes to let out that frustration, but my anger is I think nearly at tipping point so maybe I will confront things to him.

Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?

And yeah, I agree also since you mention addiction, I think it’s also something which is wasting lot of my time. I’ve read more about CPTSD, and it’s also mentioned that anorexia and Technology addiction could be the part of it and it’s relatable for me. For me even though when not working it’s not easy for me just not waste time on screen for no reason at all.

Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say you’re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if you’d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didn’t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasn’t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated – feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasn’t enough (and my mother thought that’s the only thing a child needs).

No I can’t. because I’m supposed to be “Expert” in this. I talked to the people working on the same kind of projects and they are all telling me the same things that I’m already doing. Which is making me even more anxious… But I’m trying to ground myself by not getting attached to the results.

Oh I see… that’s frustrating when you’re trying everything, and it’s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?