HomeāForumsāEmotional MasteryāFeels like Time is passing too fast
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Empowered Living Guide.
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April 6, 2023 at 8:43 am #417096
Tee
ParticipantHola SereneWolf,
I am doing a bit better at the moment, thank you. I do say this very cautiously because I’ve had improvements before, followed by a setback… but I am starting to feel a little more optimistic…
Right but Iām kinda getting that I still have people pleasing behaviour
You mean, when you are among people, you worry what people will think of you and you want to be liked? And you say things you don’t really mean, or something like that?
You meant like behaviours that I canāt tolerate?
Well, you said that being among people drains your energy and you don’t know how to protect yourself from that. So I asked what are the behaviors you can’t protect yourself from. But I guess the real question is: what is so draining when being among people? Perhaps what you said above – that you feel the need to “people please”? As in, maybe you feel the need to be liked, and so you can’t be yourself and relaxed?
She seems quite sensitive.
For me Iām not much emotionally expressive. Or like I just donāt get surprised with lot of human behaviour or things. I find it really normal. But her she like really emotionally expressive like a high school girl who feels too much you know
[Are you saying that she gets upset by something (some human behavior), and this same behavior doesnāt affect you that much? Or she gets super excited about something, and youāre like āmeh, nothing specialā?] — Yes kinda like that.
So she is emotionally expressive – she expresses her emotions freely. She is not shy to show anger and upset, but also joy and excitement…. if I understood you well? How do you feel about that feature of hers?
Well yeah I guess we can count as a bad connection
Yeah, I’d say that in the relationship department, so far you were alternating between a bad connection and no connection. You gravitated towards “no connection” in the past months, because you were disappointed with previous relationships. But then you decided to still give it a try. And now you’re in the middle of an experiment, of potentially creating and maintaining a good connection…
But I think because self-loving is still isnāt easy for me maybe thatās why Iām finding myself going towards emotional giving and receiving
Hm.. I think that because of troubles with self-love, you easily get into the inner critic (or the outer critic), which then sabotages the relationship. So I think that for you, lack of self-love is what keeps you out of the relationship. Or when you are in a relationship, it prevents vulnerability and intimacy (because you’re afraid to be judged). So, although you may be in a relationship, you don’t really engage in emotional giving and receiving. I mean, it seems that so far you haven’t. Now, in this latest relationship, this might change…
Umm a serious hard maintaining relationship that I have to work hard for!?
Actually, when both parties are emotionally more or less healthy and free to be themselves, a deep intimate relationship isn’t that hard to maintain. It sort of flows spontaneously… But a lot of work goes into getting to that point of being emotionally healthy, that’s true.
Exactly the thing that Iām scared about⦠Wasting my time and energy on a person
There are no guarantees that she is “the one”. But as you grow emotionally more healthy, you’ll be able to recognize people who are wholesome and healthy themselves, and you won’t end up wasting your time in draining relationships…
Hmm so basically be mindful and not overthink about these things? Well Iām trying and yeah youāre right I maybe comparing myself like that but I know that we both donāt have be perfect in every regard. We can just learn things from each otherā¦
Yes, be mindful that a lot of those questions (“What if I get bored, what if I am wasting my time, what if I get to like her and will need to work hard to maintain the relationship?”) are coming from your fearful self. They are fear speaking through you. And you are learning now to face this fear, not to get into its trap again. So yes, be mindful, just notice it as a strong voice in you, however it’s not the only voice in you. It’s not the voice of your true self.
Yes, it is hard. When I talked to my therapist first time, she explained the Surrender in that way. Because as a human nature we want to know things for sure, Otherwise because of uncertainty we get anxious.. and result even more less energy⦠So I believe surrender + hope are much better in situations like this..
Yes, surrender as in accept the things as they are, even if they are bad at the moment. And hope that they will get better… so yes, I am learning to accept it, but also not to lose hope…
Hmm and those are?
Wrist, ankle, forearm, underneath the collarbone, hip area… I am no expert, but am sure there are a lot of ideas on the internet š
April 8, 2023 at 7:33 am #417121SereneWolf
ParticipantNamaste Tee š
I am doing a bit better at the moment, thank you. I do say this very cautiously because Iāve had improvements before, followed by a setback⦠but I am starting to feel a little more optimisticā¦
Iām glad to know that. Hope youāre having a good weekend. I have a question. What’s your absolute favorite thing to do on weekends that isn’t productivity related?
Ā
You mean, when you are among people, you worry what people will think of you and you want to be liked? And you say things you donāt really mean, or something like that?
Hmm not sure about that. But my main concern is I donāt like when people feel discomfort around me or specially because of me. It could be because of my childhood wound as well. You see my fatherās anger was always on the edge so whenever he was around even he was calm I was anxious that at any time heād flip out so I was constantly anxious and worried about his mood swings.
Well, you said that being among people drains your energy and you donāt know how to protect yourself from that. So I asked what are the behaviors you canāt protect yourself from. But I guess the real question is: what is so draining when being among people? Perhaps what you said above ā that you feel the need to āpeople pleaseā? As in, maybe you feel the need to be liked, and so you canāt be yourself and relaxed?
Okay I got it and I think It could a long list but generally I donāt like manipulative behaviours, and most of the time I can sense when people are trying to manipulate me or the others.
I also donāt like being around people who are always projecting negative energy and criticizing others all the time. Or when they trying to be dominant with me for what they want.
But I believe particularly sensitive to the emotions of others, and I kind of struggle with managing my own emotions in response to others.So she is emotionally expressive ā she expresses her emotions freely. She is not shy to show anger and upset, but also joy and excitementā¦. if I understood you well? How do you feel about that feature of hers?
I do think itās kind of a healthy thing since I like things straight forward and itās something that is easier to read from her? In my previous relationships none of them was this much emotionally expressive I had to ask them things so they can let out things you know.. Yet still I wasn’t sure about it. But Now I have this newfound appreciation for this kind of emotional authenticity? (Don’t know if that’s a right word)
Yeah, Iād say that in the relationship department, so far you were alternating between a bad connection and no connection. You gravitated towards āno connectionā in the past months, because you were disappointed with previous relationships. But then you decided to still give it a try. And now youāre in the middle of an experiment, of potentially creating and maintaining a good connectionā¦
Well yeah I guess so.. But now Iām realizing how much more work that I have to do.. and it feels like a lot
Hm.. I think that because of troubles with self-love, you easily get into the inner critic (or the outer critic), which then sabotages the relationship. So I think that for you, lack of self-love is what keeps you out of the relationship. Or when you are in a relationship, it prevents vulnerability and intimacy (because youāre afraid to be judged). So, although you may be in a relationship, you donāt really engage in emotional giving and receiving. I mean, it seems that so far you havenāt. Now, in this latest relationship, this might changeā¦
Oh yeah that is right. So I need to work on healthy emotional giving and receiving.
Actually, when both parties are emotionally more or less healthy and free to be themselves, a deep intimate relationship isnāt that hard to maintain. It sort of flows spontaneously⦠But a lot of work goes into getting to that point of being emotionally healthy, thatās true.
Yes but finding that kind of a person isnāt easy either. With me, I got really emotionally invested and thought I can work and maintain on these things but yeah itās definitely a two-person job.
There are no guarantees that she is āthe oneā. But as you grow emotionally more healthy, youāll be able to recognize people who are wholesome and healthy themselves, and you wonāt end up wasting your time in draining relationshipsā¦
Hmm really? How Iād be able to recognize that?
Yes, be mindful that a lot of those questions (āWhat if I get bored, what if I am wasting my time, what if I get to like her and will need to work hard to maintain the relationship?ā) are coming from your fearful self. They are fear speaking through you. And you are learning now to face this fear, not to get into its trap again. So yes, be mindful, just notice it as a strong voice in you, however itās not the only voice in you. Itās not the voice of your true self.
Yes I agree itās nothing less than going on a war with my own self. Fighting with my own fear. Thing that Iām trying to do is that trying to make notes from my past where I took decision and I was right about it so my rational mind donāt always ask me question about it and be little more confident you know.. and I guess It could affect my self-esteem as well. But if you have better suggestion you’re more than welcome
Yes, surrender as in accept the things as they are, even if they are bad at the moment. And hope that they will get better⦠so yes, I am learning to accept it, but also not to lose hopeā¦
Thatās good! Keep it up! š
Ā
Wrist, ankle, forearm, underneath the collarbone, hip area⦠I am no expert, but am sure there are a lot of ideas on the internet.
I do have Pinterest board but itās been a while and itās not easy to choose.
I also had an appointment with my therapist. She told me Iām doing quite good progress. And I talked about CPTSD as well. So listened things carefully and ask me lot of scenario type questions about my childhood. But she said she isnāt sure about and said there is really mild signs about it. But still we can work on it.
One of the questions that could be helpful for us.
So she already know that Itās been a while that Iām living on my own.
So she asked me What happens if you buy something expensive without asking your parents? How theyād react and how youād feel?
And I said Iād still feel hesitant about it because Iād be worried what theyād think and feel guilty because I havenāt even asked them.
So she asked me questions like that and said I still have fearful emotional pattern that I need to work on. Even though now Iām financially independent now Iām still attached to this kind of unhealthy emotional bond⦠She actually suggested me to talk more with my parents about this kind of things so they would be aware that Iām much more grown up than what they might think
Fearful emotional patten and self-esteem these two things mainly she gave me homework for… Because like we talked, she said because of long term of criticism from every side (even my inner critic) My self-esteem took lot of damage and I have to heal that…
April 10, 2023 at 1:07 pm #417152Tee
ParticipantHi SereneWolf,
I have a question. Whatās your absolute favorite thing to do on weekends that isnāt productivity related?
My absolute favorite would be a nature walk with my husband, but since I am suffering with mobility in recent years, this is one thing I had to practically give up, and it’s very hard š
my main concern is I donāt like when people feel discomfort around me or specially because of me. It could be because of my childhood wound as well. You see my fatherās anger was always on the edge so whenever he was around even he was calm I was anxious that at any time heād flip out so I was constantly anxious and worried about his mood swings.
Oh I see… so you are always on the lookout, fearing that somebody (perhaps your boss or an authority figure?) might be displeased with you and lash out at you (verbally)? So you’re afraid of being judged when among people?
You also don’t like people who are constantly critical and try to dominate you (I guess because they remind you of your father?):
I also donāt like being around people who are always projecting negative energy and criticizing others all the time. Or when they trying to be dominant with me for what they want.
You also say you don’t like manipulation:
I donāt like manipulative behaviours, and most of the time I can sense when people are trying to manipulate me or the others.
I wonder if perhaps your mother showed some of the manipulative behavior in the past, e.g. when she would tell you to be “mature” and not react angrily to your father?
But I believe particularly sensitive to the emotions of others, and I kind of struggle with managing my own emotions in response to others.
Could it be that you are sensitive to other people’s anger/frustration/negativity (because it reminds you of your father)? And that you are also sensitive to “weaker” emotions, perhaps worry and sadness, because it reminds you of your mother?
I do think itās kind of a healthy thing since I like things straight forward and itās something that is easier to read from her? In my previous relationships none of them was this much emotionally expressive I had to ask them things so they can let out things you know.. Yet still I wasnāt sure about it. But Now I have this newfound appreciation for this kind of emotional authenticity? (Donāt know if thatās a right word)
I like the word! Good if you can appreciate her honesty and emotional expressiveness. You don’t feel like she is trying to manipulate you with her emotions, right?
But now Iām realizing how much more work that I have to do.. and it feels like a lot
What feels like the biggest work in your current relationship? What’s the hardest?
Yes but finding that kind of a person isnāt easy either. With me, I got really emotionally invested and thought I can work and maintain on these things but yeah itās definitely a two-person job.
Yes, you can’t be the only one “carrying” the relationship. Or as we’ve talked before, if you are trying to change the other person and be their therapist, then of course it feels like hard work. Because you are trying to work against their own self-sabotage and their resistances…
Hmm really? How Iād be able to recognize that?
Well, you’ll see relatively soon that the person has a lot of issues, they can’t be happy, they are addicted, they are self-sabotaging, they are playing hot and cold (one day they are very into you, the next they are rejecting you and being distant) etc etc. So you’ll be able to notice that something’s not right, that they are fighting an internal battle and can’t be really present in the relationship. And then you’ll let them go, instead of trying to “save” them…
Thing that Iām trying to do is that trying to make notes from my past where I took decision and I was right about it so my rational mind donāt always ask me question about it and be little more confident you know..
Are you talking about the decisions you took in romantic relationships? Like when you followed your intuition and it turned out to be the right decision?
I also had an appointment with my therapist. She told me Iām doing quite good progress.
Glad about that!
And I talked about CPTSD as well. So listened things carefully and ask me lot of scenario type questions about my childhood. But she said she isnāt sure about and said there is really mild signs about it. But still we can work on it.
Well, I think everyone who was exposed to prolonged emotional abuse suffers from CPTSD. It’s a different name for developmental trauma – it didn’t happen suddenly, like one traumatic event, but over a long time, i.e. while growing up. So I guess you have it, same as me and numerous other children with emotionally abusive/unsupportive parents.
So she asked me What happens if you buy something expensive without asking your parents? How theyād react and how youād feel?
And I said Iād still feel hesitant about it because Iād be worried what theyād think and feel guilty because I havenāt even asked them.
So she asked me questions like that and said I still have fearful emotional pattern that I need to work on. Even though now Iām financially independent now Iām still attached to this kind of unhealthy emotional bondā¦
Right.. so you’re still afraid of their judgment. You still care what they’ll think of you, and I think it’s because a part of you still believes you’re not good enough. So you need their validation and approval.
Fearful emotional patten and self-esteem these two things mainly she gave me homework for⦠Because like we talked, she said because of long term of criticism from every side (even my inner critic) My self-esteem took lot of damage and I have to heal thatā¦
Yes, you were criticized a lot, and you internalized that voice, and so now you don’t only have the voice of your father and grandfather against you, but also your own inner critical voice. So it’s 3 to 1. Three critics to one helpless inner child. Fortunately, you’re developing the positive father voice to counter those critics. But it takes time, it doesn’t happen over night…
She actually suggested me to talk more with my parents about this kind of things so they would be aware that Iām much more grown up than what they might think
What exactly did she suggest you talk to them about? I mean, if you still have an unhealthy emotional bond (which in my opinion is the fear of their judgement, i.e. the need for their approval), only you can release that bond. Only you can set yourself free.
Because as you said, your parents will likely not change. They’ve changed somewhat in the sense that they (specially your father) isn’t that judgmental with you any more. But I guess they’ll never approve of all of your decisions, e.g. they’ll never approve of you getting a tattoo š
What I am saying is that if you want their blessing to live your life as you please, I don’t think you’ll get it. And I don’t think it’s necessary either. There will be always something they will disagree with. And that’s fine.
What you’d rather need is to free yourself from the need to get their approval… It’s you who should set yourself free, not them…
April 14, 2023 at 10:35 pm #417405SereneWolf
ParticipantHello Tee,
My absolute favorite would be a nature walk with my husband, but since I am suffering with mobility in recent years, this is one thing I had to practically give up, and itās very hard
Oh I can totally understand that. Nature walk are really soothing. And I guess even more when youāre walking with your S/O. I hope you get healthy soon so you can continue your nature walks
Oh I see⦠so you are always on the lookout, fearing that somebody (perhaps your boss or an authority figure?) might be displeased with you and lash out at you (verbally)? So youāre afraid of being judged when among people?
I mean I know theyāre professional they wouldnāt lash out at me that easily but easily disappointed because of something? Yeah! But yeah Iām afraid of being judged
You also donāt like people who are constantly critical and try to dominate you (I guess because they remind you of your father?):
Yes Exactly!
I wonder if perhaps your mother showed some of the manipulative behavior in the past, e.g. when she would tell you to be āmatureā and not react angrily to your father?
Hmm I guess so?
Could it be that you are sensitive to other peopleās anger/frustration/negativity (because it reminds you of your father)? And that you are also sensitive to āweakerā emotions, perhaps worry and sadness, because it reminds you of your mother?
I guess itās bit of both? One of the reasons why I havenāt been enough emotionally expressive. Because Iād feel like Iām being rude and insensitive to others
Ā
I like the word! Good if you can appreciate her honesty and emotional expressiveness. You donāt feel like she is trying to manipulate you with her emotions, right?
Well thatās easy to answer as of now. Because you know when some people give you bad vibes even though theyāre acting nice with you? So, I donāt think sheās manipulating with her emotions.
Another thing is that itās hard to know if sheās emotionally mature or not. Because so far I do like her innocent emotional behaviour. Sheās like a naĆÆve little girl who doesnāt like to bottle up emotions like we āmatureā adults do
What feels like the biggest work in your current relationship? Whatās the hardest?
Self esteem, Being emotionally expressive, Being compassionate with myself thatās what I can think about now
Yes, you canāt be the only one ācarryingā the relationship. Or as weāve talked before, if you are trying to change the other person and be their therapist, then of course it feels like hard work. Because you are trying to work against their own self-sabotage and their resistancesā¦
And it took me years to realize that š
Ā
Well, youāll see relatively soon that the person has a lot of issues, they canāt be happy, they are addicted, they are self-sabotaging, they are playing hot and cold (one day they are very into you, the next they are rejecting you and being distant) etc etc. So youāll be able to notice that somethingās not right, that they are fighting an internal battle and canāt be really present in the relationship. And then youāll let them go, instead of trying to āsaveā themā¦
Right I agree few days ago there was this reel on my IG. She was like after youāre healed, Itās really easy to see red flags everywhere. And dating will be even harder because you wouldnāt just settle with anyone. And there are lot of people who doesnāt even know that they need to heal their selves.
Are you talking about the decisions you took in romantic relationships? Like when you followed your intuition and it turned out to be the right decision?
Haha no I mean like workwise decisions. But good question when it comes to romantic relationships, I didnāt felt like Iām taking a big decision.
Well, I think everyone who was exposed to prolonged emotional abuse suffers from CPTSD. Itās a different name for developmental trauma ā it didnāt happen suddenly, like one traumatic event, but over a long time, i.e. while growing up. So I guess you have it, same as me and numerous other children with emotionally abusive/unsupportive parents.
Oh right I agree and I think thatās also the reason that itās giving me nightmares sometimes
Like just last night I had a dream that my father was angry at me and comparing me with someone but this time I didnāt listened, and I got angry at him and told him lot of things that I wanted to tell him! It could be the sign that I still haven’t forgive him and I’m carrying that baggage?
Right… so youāre still afraid of their judgment. You still care what theyāll think of you, and I think itās because a part of you still believes youāre not good enough. So you need their validation and approval.
Yeah which I think itās really concerning thing to work on
Yes, you were criticized a lot, and you internalized that voice, and so now you donāt only have the voice of your father and grandfather against you, but also your own inner critical voice. So itās 3 to 1. Three critics to one helpless inner child. Fortunately, youāre developing the positive father voice to counter those critics. But it takes time, it doesnāt happen over nightā¦
Yeah itās years of their sweat it doesnāt going to just disappear over nightš
But I wonāt give up. I’m stubborn too so š
What exactly did she suggest you talk to them about? I mean, if you still have an unhealthy emotional bond (which in my opinion is the fear of their judgement, i.e. the need for their approval), only you can release that bond. Only you can set yourself free.
Because as you said, your parents will likely not change. Theyāve changed somewhat in the sense that they (specially your father) isnāt that judgmental with you any more. But I guess theyāll never approve of all of your decisions, e.g. theyāll never approve of you getting a tattoo
What I am saying is that if you want their blessing to live your life as you please, I donāt think youāll get it. And I donāt think itās necessary either. There will be always something they will disagree with. And thatās fine.
What youād rather need is to free yourself from the need to get their approval⦠ItāsĀ youĀ who should set yourself free, not themā¦
I mean I know what you mean and I agree. But she suggested me kind of things that Iām feared to talk to them I already know their response (Somewhat) Itās just kind of practice not letting my fear of speaking for myself to be grown even more..
Another thing I know my parents did things knowingly or unknowingly. But I don’t want to be a typical American psycho kid who thinks it’s cool to have not good relationship with their parents because of the rise of modern business “therapy”. Because at the end of the day the day they are part the family, and family does matter. And I’m not saying I want perfect relationship with them because I know it’s not possible, But just not hateful relationship.
This week it was my birthday, Iām in my late 20s now. And oh dear I definitely felt like āTime is passing too fastā I mean I know itās normal and there wasnāt any critical voice this time. But it does feel that time is going too fast and I donāt know what Iām trying to get a hold on, World is moving fast, I donāt know why am I feeling pulled down and if I donāt, I feel like Iām missing out a lot as of my age.. I guess we always run for big achievements when we think itās meaningful but after weāve achieved it, It just lost itās meaning.. So itās like a constant chasing something that weāre sure we wonāt be satisfied withā¦
April 17, 2023 at 3:34 am #417430Tee
ParticipantHi SereneWolf,
Nature walk are really soothing. And I guess even more when youāre walking with your S/O. I hope you get healthy soon so you can continue your nature walks
Thanks, that’s one of my greatest wishes!
I mean I know theyāre professional they wouldnāt lash out at me that easily but easily disappointed because of something? Yeah! But yeah Iām afraid of being judged
I see – so you’re on the lookout because you’re afraid you might say something that these people won’t like, and they’ll start judging you and thinking poorly of you. This is most likely the consequence of fearing your father and never knowing when he’ll lash out at you (my fatherās anger was always on the edge so whenever he was around even he was calm I was anxious that at any time heād flip out). Now being around authority figures gives you the same anxiety… because you’re projecting your father into them.
If that’s so, the first thing you can do is to be aware of this dynamics. Perhaps you can also tell yourself that 1) other people are not like your father, and 2) you are easy to love (I mention this because you’ve realized this recently about yourself, and I think it’s a good phrase to repeat to yourself, even in a professional setting).Ā If “I am easy to love” is too much, you can repeat to yourself something like “I’ve got many talents and abilities, I am good and capable enough.” Perhaps this would help you be a little less anxious at business/professional gatherings?
I donāt like manipulative behaviours, and most of the time I can sense when people are trying to manipulate me or the others
Can you give me an example of a manipulative behavior you don’t like?
I guess itās bit of both? One of the reasons why I havenāt been enough emotionally expressive. Because Iād feel like Iām being rude and insensitive to others
Alright, so you feel that if you were really honest with people, you’d be rude and without much empathy for them (or for some of them)? I mean, you would tell them what they deserve? And so you rather don’t say anything and don’t show your emotions?
Well thatās easy to answer as of now. Because you know when some people give you bad vibes even though theyāre acting nice with you? So, I donāt think sheās manipulating with her emotions.
Another thing is that itās hard to know if sheās emotionally mature or not. Because so far I do like her innocent emotional behaviour. Sheās like a naĆÆve little girl who doesnāt like to bottle up emotions like we āmatureā adults do
Good that she doesn’t use her emotions to manipulate you! As for the notion that to be a mature adult means to bottle up one’s emotions⦠well, that’s not really true. It sounds like something your mother would have told you when you were angry at your father?
Because in truth, to be mature means to be able to regulate our emotions, not to suppress them. Remember, anger is a signal, not a solution (Henry Cloud). If you cut off the signalling system, that’s not a sign of maturity…
Self esteem, Being emotionally expressive, Being compassionate with myself thatās what I can think about now
Okay, so it seems you feel a little threatened by her talents and abilities, you feel less-than in some aspects (perhaps in emotional expressiveness too?), and your inner critic would like to sabotage it. Just keep noticing it, and keep telling yourself “I am easy to love”, or something long those lines. If it works for you, of course…
And it took me years to realize that
Better later than never! š
Right I agree few days ago there was this reel on my IG. She was like after youāre healed, Itās really easy to see red flags everywhere. And dating will be even harder because you wouldnāt just settle with anyone.
Well, I’d say it makes it easier, not harder, if you know how to spot emotionally unhealthy people. Because you won’t get into relationships that will drain you and that have no future. Or even if you enter such a relationship, you’ll quickly see it’s not good for you and you’ll leave. So I don’t see any drawbacks of healing, just positives…
Like just last night I had a dream that my father was angry at me and comparing me with someone but this time I didnāt listened, and I got angry at him and told him lot of things that I wanted to tell him! It could be the sign that I still havenāt forgive him and Iām carrying that baggage?
I think it’s a good sign that you confronted him in your dreams. And that you told him what you’ve always wanted to tell him! The thing is, you can’t really forgive him if you haven’t expressed the anger for what he did to you and how he treated you. You don’t need to express it to him, and it wouldn’t even be advisable, but you’d need to feel it and express it either to yourself or in therapy – before you can forgive your father.
Because anger in this case is a natural reaction to having been emotionally abused, and it is justified. Once you express your anger (either to yourself in private or in therapy), you can get clear about your boundaries, i.e. what you will and will not tolerate in the future. It will also enable you to forgive your father – as in not hold a grudge against him, not resent him forever. But it will also enable you to protect yourself from his anger and condemnation in the future.
So expressing anger (in a safe environment) is in my opinion the key to move on in a healthy way, which means: without resentment towards the person, but with healthy boundaries.
Yeah which I think itās really concerning thing to work on
Yeah, you’d need to validate yourself. You’d need to tell yourself (and your inner child) that you are worthy, and that you’re worthy simply because you exist. You don’t need to do anything to earn your worth – it’s something all of us as human beings innately possess. I think that’s the bottom line: if you know you’re worthy, you won’t need others to validate you.
I mean I know what you mean and I agree. But she suggested me kind of things that Iām feared to talk to them I already know their response (Somewhat) Itās just kind of practice not letting my fear of speaking for myself to be grown even more..
So you want to talk to them about some topics that you already know their opinion on (something they don’t agree with you?), and you want to try to explain it to them once again? If I understood it correctly?
Another thing I know my parents did things knowingly or unknowingly. But I donāt want to be a typical American psycho kid who thinks itās cool to have not good relationship with their parents because of the rise of modern business ātherapyā. Because at the end of the day the day they are part the family, and family does matter. And Iām not saying I want perfect relationship with them because I know itās not possible, But just not hateful relationship.
I understand that you want to have a relationship with them, you don’t want to cut ties. And you don’t need to cut ties. The way you can do it – to have a relationship without hate on your side – is to process the anger you have against them, as I suggested above. Which means in therapy, or to yourself in private.
You can write down everything you resent them about, separately your father and your mother, and allow yourself to feel your anger (which is justified, remember, because what you went through was emotional abuse). Expressing anger will reset your system and you’ll be able to forgive them, but also to set some boundaries, that are respectful to you. You won’t allow to be abused like before.
So you’ll be able to love them, but also to love and respect yourself at the same time. That’s the only way I know of how you truly heal…
This week it was my birthday, Iām in my late 20s now
Happy birthday, SereneWolf! All the best to you!
And oh dear I definitely felt like āTime is passing too fastā I mean I know itās normal and there wasnāt any critical voice this time. But it does feel that time is going too fast and I donāt know what Iām trying to get a hold on, World is moving fast, I donāt know why am I feeling pulled down and if I donāt, I feel like Iām missing out a lot as of my age.. I guess we always run for big achievements when we think itās meaningful but after weāve achieved it, It just lost itās meaning.. So itās like a constant chasing something that weāre sure we wonāt be satisfied withā¦
Perhaps you chase some big achievement, so you can feel worthy? So your parents would finally be proud of you and acknowledge your worth?
In reality, you are still very young, you’ve already accomplished a lot professionally (e.g. you are the youngest manager in your company). You’re also finishing your bachelors degree while working full time, and are planning to enroll an MBA. Apart from that, you’re constantly improving yourself, both your tech skills and your soft skills. You are learning how to be vulnerable in romantic relationships and are applying that with your new girlfriend. You are willing to self-reflect and challenge yourself… I mean, you are doing A LOT, SereneWolf! And you have achieved a lot in your young life. Whoever tells you differently is lying big time!
But I know that those critical voices are still strong in you, and this sentiment is coming from them. Luckily, as you said: I wonāt give up. Iām stubborn too
Cheers to that! š And to another challenging/amazing year in front of you!
April 18, 2023 at 7:44 am #417455SereneWolf
ParticipantOla Tee,
Thanks, thatās one of my greatest wishes!
I hope your wishes come true š¤
Ā
I see ā so youāre on the lookout because youāre afraid you might say something that these people wonāt like, and theyāll start judging you and thinking poorly of you. This is most likely the consequence of fearing your father and never knowing when heāll lash out at you (my fatherās anger was always on the edge soĀ whenever he was around even he was calm I was anxiousĀ that at any time heād flip out). Now being around authority figures gives you the same anxiety⦠because youāre projecting your father into them.
If thatās so, the first thing you can do is to be aware of this dynamics. Perhaps you can also tell yourself that 1) other people are not like your father, and 2) you are easy to love (I mention this because youāve realized this recently about yourself, and I think itās a good phrase to repeat to yourself, even in a professional setting).Ā If āI am easy to loveā is too much, you can repeat to yourself something like āIāve got many talents and abilities, I am good and capable enough.ā Perhaps this would help you be a little less anxious at business/professional gatherings?
Thanks a lot for clear and stepwise guidance! itās much clearer to me and yeah, I do like āIām easy to loveā affirmation more, Because I started to believe that somewhat
Can you give me an example of a manipulative behavior you donāt like?
Hmm currently Passive aggressive and love bombing comes to my mind.
Thereās another thing though.. I guess in past I may took some things as love bombing even though they were being genuine. Because itās been hard for me to take compliments (Even from my gfs)
Ā
Alright, so you feel that if you were really honest with people, youād be rude and without much empathy for them (or for some of them)? I mean, you would tell them what they deserve? And so you rather donāt say anything and donāt show your emotions?
Yes Exactly!
Ā
Good that she doesnāt use her emotions to manipulate you! As for the notion that to be a mature adult means to bottle up oneās emotions⦠well, thatās not really true. It sounds like something your mother would have told you when you were angry at your father?
Because in truth, to be mature means to be able to regulate our emotions, not to suppress them. Remember, anger is a signal, not a solution (Henry Cloud). If you cut off the signalling system, thatās not a sign of maturityā¦
Yes I remember the Henry cloudās video now! Iāll take a note of this. Regulations my emotions, thatās we are already working on so
What single thing that been most helpful for regulating your emotions?Ā
Okay, so it seems you feel a little threatened by her talents and abilities, you feel less-than in some aspects (perhaps in emotional expressiveness too?), and your inner critic would like to sabotage it. Just keep noticing it, and keep telling yourself āI am easy to loveā, or something long those lines. If it works for you, of courseā¦
Okay Iāll try this affirmations and update you
Ā
Well, Iād say it makes it easier, not harder, if you know how to spot emotionally unhealthy people. Because you wonāt get into relationships that will drain you and that have no future. Or even if you enter such a relationship, youāll quickly see itās not good for you and youāll leave. So I donāt see any drawbacks of healing, just positivesā¦
Hmm thatās a positive perspective to look from
Ā
I think itās a good sign that you confronted him in your dreams. And that you told him what youāve always wanted to tell him! The thing is, you canāt really forgive him if you havenāt expressed the anger for what he did to you and how he treated you. You donāt need to express it to him, and it wouldnāt even be advisable, but youād need to feel it and express it either to yourself or in therapy ā before you can forgive your father.
Because anger in this case is a natural reaction to having been emotionally abused, and it is justified. Once you express your anger (either to yourself in private or in therapy), you can get clear about your boundaries, i.e. what you will and will not tolerate in the future. It will also enable you to forgive your father ā as in not hold a grudge against him, not resent him forever. But it will also enable you to protect yourself from his anger and condemnation in the future.
So expressing anger (in a safe environment) is in my opinion the key to move on in a healthy way, which means: without resentment towards the person, but with healthy boundaries.
Okay means I should express this anger to myself first and then therapy? How do I do that to myself first?
About boundaries youāre right and for so long he havenāt disrespected any of my boundaries tbh
Yeah, youād need to validateĀ yourself. Youād need to tell yourself (and your inner child) that you are worthy, and that youāre worthy simply because you exist. You donāt need to do anything to earn your worth ā itās something all of us as human beings innately possess. I think thatās the bottom line: if you know youāre worthy, you wonāt need others to validate you.
Okay so I know what you mean but my rational my mind always ask me questions when I tell myself things like that like how you could be worthy if you havenāt done something worthwhile?
So you want to talk to them about some topics that you already know their opinion on (something they donāt agree with you?), and you want to try to explain it to them once again? If I understood it correctly?
Yes kinda like that
I understand that you want to have a relationship with them, you donāt want to cut ties. And you donāt need to cut ties. The way you can do it ā to have a relationship without hate on your side ā is to process the anger you have against them, as I suggested above. Which means in therapy, or to yourself in private.
You can write down everything you resent them about, separately your father and your mother, and allow yourself to feel your anger (which is justified, remember, because what you went through was emotional abuse). Expressing anger will reset your system and youāll be able to forgive them, but also to set some boundaries, that are respectful to you. You wonāt allow to be abused like before.
So youāll be able to love them, but also to love and respect yourself at the same time. Thatās the only way I know of how you truly healā¦
I agree with you, Expressing anger in healthier way thatās what I need to learn now
Ā
Happy birthday, SereneWolf! All the best to you!
Thanks Tee!
Perhaps you chase some big achievement, so you can feel worthy? So your parents would finally be proud of you and acknowledge your worth?
Iām not sure but I guess my subconscious wants that?
In reality, you are still very young, youāve already accomplished a lot professionally (e.g. you are the youngest manager in your company). Youāre also finishing your bachelors degree while working full time, and are planning to enroll an MBA. Apart from that, youāre constantly improving yourself, both your tech skills and your soft skills. You are learning how to be vulnerable in romantic relationships and are applying that with your new girlfriend. You are willing to self-reflect and challenge yourself⦠I mean, you are doing A LOT, SereneWolf! And you have achieved a lot in your young life. Whoever tells you differently is lying big time!
But I know that those critical voices are still strong in you, and this sentiment is coming from them. Luckily, as you said:Ā I wonāt give up. Iām stubborn too
Cheers to that!Ā Ā And to another challenging/amazing year in front of you!
Thank you so much for always giving me good reminders!
April 18, 2023 at 7:53 am #417456SereneWolf
ParticipantAlso, so I had another date with doctor, and I spent really good time with her. But at that night her ex called him and talked to her, Next day again we had lunch together and told me about it. She says she’s really confused because he asked him to be back together. They were together for more than 4 years, so her emotions are really strong. and she said she really feels secure with me and really like spending time with me but her ex wants to meet her so she doesn’t know what she should do and asking me… And I said I’m not in the position to give you any advice on this, Do what feels right for you. I won’t force you to stick with me.
So let’s see what happens…
April 18, 2023 at 11:31 pm #417464Tee
ParticipantHi SereneWolf,
She says sheās really confused because he asked him to be back together. They were together for more than 4 years, so her emotions are really strong.
Hm.. that’s not a good sign, since it means she still has feelings for him. And that she is considering going back to him, otherwise she wouldn’t want to meet him. BTW, was he the one who left her? Because usually that’s when we still have feelings for the ex…
In any case, it’s not a good sign. But I think you reacted well when you said you can’t tell her what to do, and that you don’t want to force her to stick with you. And I guess you meant that you don’t want to beg her either, right? Perhaps your slightly detached style served you well in this situation, because you didn’t get too emotional about it. You didn’t start panicking, begging her, or accusing her…
But the bottom line is, since she has feelings for the other guy, it’s not good for the future of your relationship. I think she’d need to resolve those feelings, i.e. the conflict and confusion she feels about her ex, before she can continue dating you.
I don’t know how you feel about it? Btw I am curious, how did she react to your relatively detached reaction?
April 19, 2023 at 7:02 am #417477SereneWolf
ParticipantHm.. thatās not a good sign, since it means she still has feelings for him. And that she is considering going back to him, otherwise she wouldnāt want to meet him. BTW, was he the one who left her? Because usually thatās when we still have feelings for the exā¦
I know but I’m not disappointed because I wasn’t much attached, I didn’t ask if her ex left her, or she left him
I guess you meant that you donāt want to beg her either, right?
Lol NOPE!
I donāt know how you feel about it?
Well I know it’s not really normal, but I feel good like I’m saved from emotional frustration and etc. š
Like how Americans say “Dodged a bullet?” Idk if it’s relevant here š
Ā how did she react to your relatively detached reaction?
She wasn’t surprised she already sees me as someone who’s “Calm and composed” She told me this in our first date and I said It’s what you see but I do have anxiety like some other people…
Even this time she told me – you seem not agitated about this at all. I just asked her reversibly do you really want me to?
And yet still she kissed me good before she left with little sigh…
I guess I didn’t told you, Remember when she came to my place and cooked for me? Well that night after dinner we went on my terrace for stargazing, and we were talking and she was about to tell me I love you, I just shushed her and told her that, let’s take it slowly and kinda also sarcastically said it’s the “mild breeze” talking
She laughed and also said yeah I’m being eager. but that’s a “twinkling” talking.
April 19, 2023 at 8:47 am #417481Tee
ParticipantHey SereneWolf,
Thanks a lot for clear and stepwise guidance! itās much clearer to me and yeah, I do like āIām easy to loveā affirmation more, Because I started to believe that somewhat
You’re welcome! I am glad you’ve started to believe that you are easy to love, and that you’ll be using that affirmation. I love that affirmation btw, I think it’s very powerful.
Hmm currently Passive aggressive and love bombing comes to my mind.
Thereās another thing though.. I guess in past I may took some things as love bombing even though they were being genuine. Because itās been hard for me to take compliments (Even from my gfs)
Yeah, it could be that some of the positive attention and praise you’ve received was genuine, but you didn’t register it as such, because you believed you were hard to love… so you didn’t believe them.
Love bombing is usually used by narcissistic people as a way to hook you in, to “catch” you. Once they succeed, they become very different, they start controlling you, putting you down, manipulating you etc. Have you had such an experience before – of someone first playing super loving and nice, and then turning against you?
[Alright, so you feel that if you were really honest with people, youād be rude and without much empathy for them (or for some of them)? I mean, you would tell them what they deserve? And so you rather donāt say anything and donāt show your emotions?] — Yes Exactly!
Okay, this sounds like theĀ way you reacted to your father: you actually wanted to tell him what he deserved, but you were afraid to do so… and so you remained silent but were boiling inside, right? Nowadays I guess when people remind you of your father, that same anger wants to come out, but you suppress it (rightfully so, because it would be inappropriate to express it to their face).
However, I think that’s why it would be so important to process the anger you feel at your father, because once you do, you’ll be much less reactive with other people, specially in professional settings, where it’s important to keep your cool.
Another consequence will be that you won’t be so afraid of speaking up when you disagree with someone, because you’ll be able to do it calmly, in a civil manner. Or without sarcasm (because sometimes when you’re upset, you use sarcasm, which is a form of passive aggression). Anyway, I think processing your anger will do you good in more than one way.
Regulations my emotions, thatās we are already working on so. What single thing that been most helpful for regulating your emotions?
Hm, I think itās writing it down… I write it down when I am angry and upset. It’s a form of processing, because while writing, I usually get some insights about why I am angry, or sad, and how I can help myself. So journaling helps me.
Okay means I should express this anger to myself first and then therapy? How do I do that to myself first?
You can do it either on your own, or in therapy. If you want to do it on your own, you can write it down, journal about it. Recall an incident from your childhood or youth which was really upsetting, and write down everything you feel about it. Write down why you are angry and how your father hurt you. You can also punch a punching bag or a pillow – that helps to express anger and release it from the system.
Remember, you’re not a bad person, or a bad son, for feeling angry about the way you were treated. It’s a justified anger and you have the right to feel it.
About boundaries youāre right and for so long he havenāt disrespected any of my boundaries tbh
That’s good to hear!
Okay so I know what you mean but my rational my mind always ask me questions when I tell myself things like that like how you could be worthy if you havenāt done something worthwhile?
Because we all have gifts and talents, we are born with them, it’s like jewels we are adorned with š We are all special and unique in our own way. That’s why we’re worthy simply be existingā¦
Iām not sure but I guess my subconscious wants that?
Yes, quite possible, because if we don’t feel worthy, we typically want to achieve something big to prove our worth. Some people even do achieve great things, but they play it down, telling themselves it’s not a big deal, that they simply got lucky and don’t really deserve the praise (that’s the impostor syndrome).
You too mentioned you suffer from the impostor syndrome. And it’s possible, because you downplay your achievements and are pushing yourself to achieve more and faster. And that’s probably because deep inside, you don’t feel worthy and you seek validation.
So actually when you say your subconscious wants it – I think it’s actually your inner child who is seeking praise and validation from your parents…
Thank you so much for always giving me good reminders!
You are very welcome! I’ll repeat it: you are doing a lot, and have achieved a lot. It’s your feeling unworthy that is telling you differently!
April 19, 2023 at 9:40 am #417482Tee
ParticipantHi SereneWolf,
continuing about your girlfriend’s recent admission…
I know but Iām not disappointed because I wasnāt much attached, I didnāt ask if her ex left her, or she left him
Well I know itās not really normal, but I feel good like Iām saved from emotional frustration and etc. Like how Americans say āDodged a bullet?ā Idk if itās relevant here
Yeah, that’s your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you don’t allow yourself to get too close… In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesn’t leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of relief…
She wasnāt surprised she already sees me as someone whoās āCalm and composedā She told me this in our first date and I said Itās what you see but I do have anxiety like some other peopleā¦
Even this time she told me ā you seem not agitated about this at all. I just asked her reversibly do you really want me to?
And yet still she kissed me good before she left with little sighā¦
I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so “calm and composed” about not having her in your life. That you don’t love her and miss her more. That’s what the sigh means, I guess…
I guess I didnāt told you, Remember when she came to my place and cooked for me? Well that night after dinner we went on my terrace for stargazing, and we were talking and she was about to tell me I love you, I just shushed her and told her that, letās take it slowly and kinda also sarcastically said itās the āmild breezeā talking
Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didn’t want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that “I am hard to love” was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you – it must be the breeze and the stars…?
It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more “attachment” from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels she’s not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional “coolness”/reservedness till now?
April 21, 2023 at 7:25 am #417653SereneWolf
ParticipantHey Tee,
How are you doing?
Youāre welcome! I am glad youāve started to believe that you are easy to love, and that youāll be using that affirmation. I love that affirmation btw, I think itās very powerful.
Oh good! Hereās another one I kinda created from the conversation we had, I am enough, just as I am, and I am worthy of all the good things that life has to offer.
Ā
Yeah, it could be that some of the positive attention and praise youāve received was genuine, but you didnāt register it as such, because you believed you were hard to love⦠so you didnāt believe them.
Love bombing is usually used by narcissistic people as a way to hook you in, to ācatchā you. Once they succeed, they become very different, they start controlling you, putting you down, manipulating you etc. Have you had such an experience before ā of someone first playing super loving and nice, and then turning against you?
No actually not turning against me but like fake youj know?… I donāt like those kinds of people who just do something for me just because they want something from me. Thatās not love. Thatās simply like a business transaction. For example when I decide to help someone I donāt think I should only help this person if someday he/she can help me. In the past I had experienced with those kind of people and Iām not fond of that kind of greed even though it seems normal to everybody else.
Okay, this sounds like the way you reacted to your father: you actually wanted to tell him what he deserved, but you were afraid to do so⦠and so you remained silent but were boiling inside, right? Nowadays I guess when people remind you of your father, that same anger wants to come out, but you suppress it (rightfully so, because it would be inappropriate to express it to their face).
However, I think thatās why it would be so important to process the anger you feel at your father, because once you do, youāll be much less reactive with other people, specially in professional settings, where itās important to keep your cool.
Yes Iām keeping my cool but like you said sometimes Iām just boiling inside
Another consequence will be that you wonāt be so afraid of speaking up when you disagree with someone, because youāll be able to do it calmly, in a civil manner. Or without sarcasm (because sometimes when youāre upset, you use sarcasm, which is a form of passive aggression).
Iād really like that Yes!
Hm, I think itās writing it down⦠I write it down when I am angry and upset. Itās a form of processing, because while writing, I usually get some insights about why I am angry, or sad, and how I can help myself. So journaling helps me.
Ah right itās been a while since I did journaling, I should start this good habit. But for this setting I should just write down what I feel and how can I make it better?
You can do it either on your own, or in therapy. If you want to do it on your own, you can write it down, journal about it. Recall an incident from your childhood or youth which was really upsetting, and write down everything you feel about it. Write down why you are angry and how your father hurt you. You can also punch a punching bag or a pillow ā that helps to express anger and release it from the system.
Remember, youāre not a bad person, or a bad son, for feeling angry about the way you were treated. Itās a justified anger and you have the right to feel it.
Okay that seems like a good solution.
Because we all have gifts and talents, we are born with them, itās like jewels we are adorned withĀ Ā We are all special and unique in our own way. Thatās why weāre worthy simply be existingā¦
This is something I need to learn to accept.
Yes, quite possible, because if we donāt feel worthy, we typically want to achieve something big to prove our worth. Some people even do achieve great things, but they play it down, telling themselves itās not a big deal, that they simply got lucky and donāt really deserve the praise (thatās the impostor syndrome).
You too mentioned you suffer from the impostor syndrome. And itās possible, because you downplay your achievements and are pushing yourself to achieve more and faster. And thatās probably because deep inside, you donāt feel worthy and you seek validation.
So actually when you say your subconscious wants it ā I think itās actually your inner child who is seeking praise and validation from your parentsā¦
Oh right you explained it very well. So I just need to make myself feel worthy again?
Ā
You are very welcome! Iāll repeat it: you are doing a lot, and have achieved a lot. Itās your feeling unworthy that is telling you differently!
Right!
April 21, 2023 at 7:48 am #417655SereneWolf
Participant<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, thatās your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you donāt allow yourself to get too close⦠In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesnāt leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of reliefā¦</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Well I think I did put my guard down, and I did felt a little close to her. But not like what we could say heavily attached? But yeah I do feel sense of relief.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p><p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so ācalm and composedā about not having her in your life. That you donāt love her and miss her more. Thatās what the sigh means, I guessā¦</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess youāre right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that Iām much aware Iām taking things slowly </p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didnāt want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that āI am hard to loveā was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you ā it must be the breeze and the starsā¦?</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more āattachmentā from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels sheās not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional ācoolnessā/reservedness till now?</p><p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast. </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess thatās why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I donāt know Iām just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>If sheād met me few month ago, sheād get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>And No She never complained about my emotional ācoolnessā/reservedness only praised it many times.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But like I told you before sheās like a high school girl she just feels āa lotā so itās obvious that she wants someone like that? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said heās not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) sheās still feeling conflicted, but she said she donāt want to cut ties with meā¦So she didnāt gave him any answer and told him to waitā¦</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I told her take her time, Iāll support her decision.</p>April 21, 2023 at 7:49 am #417656SereneWolf
ParticipantDon’t know what happened with markdown
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, thatās your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you donāt allow yourself to get too close⦠In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesnāt leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of reliefā¦</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Well I think I did put my guard down, and I did felt close to her. But not like what we could say heavily attached? But yeah I do feel sense of relief </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so ācalm and composedā about not having her in your life. That you donāt love her and miss her more. Thatās what the sigh means, I guessā¦</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess youāre right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that Iām much aware Iām taking things slowly </p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didnāt want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that āI am hard to loveā was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you ā it must be the breeze and the starsā¦?</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more āattachmentā from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels sheās not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional ācoolnessā/reservedness till now?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast. </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess thatās why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I donāt know Iām just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>If sheād met me few month ago, sheād get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>And No She never complained about my emotional ācoolnessā/reservedness only praised it many times.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But like I told you before sheās like a high school girl she just feels āa lotā so itās obvious that she wants someone like that? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said heās not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) sheās still feeling conflicted but she said she donāt want to cut ties with meā¦So she didnāt gave him any answer and told him to waitā¦</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I told her take her time, Iāll support her decision.</p>April 21, 2023 at 7:50 am #417657SereneWolf
ParticipantYeah, thatās your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you donāt allow yourself to get too close⦠In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesnāt leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of reliefā¦
Well I think I did put my guard down, and I did felt close to her. But not like what we could say heavily attached? But yeah I do feel sense of relief
I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so ācalm and composedā about not having her in your life. That you donāt love her and miss her more. Thatās what the sigh means, I guessā¦
I guess youāre right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that Iām much aware Iām taking things slowly
Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didnāt want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that āI am hard to loveā was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you ā it must be the breeze and the starsā¦?
It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more āattachmentā from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels sheās not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional ācoolnessā/reservedness till now?
I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast.
I guess thatās why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I donāt know Iām just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.
If sheād met me few month ago, sheād get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha
And No She never complained about my emotional ācoolnessā/reservedness only praised it many times.
But like I told you before sheās like a high school girl she just feels āa lotā so itās obvious that she wants someone like that?
So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said heās not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) sheās still feeling conflicted but she said she donāt want to cut ties with meā¦So she didnāt gave him any answer and told him to waitā¦
So I told her take her time, Iāll support her decision.
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