Feeling stuck in a relationship and life

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This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 9 months ago by Michelle.

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July 29, 2019 at 4:26 pm #305591

Mark
Participant

Jill,

You are trading off your interests, hobbies, social life, intellectual development, finances, peace-of-mind and overall growth by sacrificing all that for living together. Is that what you want?

You say you don’t want to end things with Mike. You are equating by not living together with not loving Mike.

You say you have this aching loneliness and not in love so I invite you to look at what you are giving up by staying with him.

Mark

July 29, 2019 at 11:53 pm #305631

Peggy
Participant

Hi Jill,

Mike isn’t supportive. His poor diet will cause all kinds of health problems, both mental and physical. He needs to address his depression and anxiety. He isn’t appreciating how hard you are working and why you might need leisure time at the weekends. His sleep patterns need readjusting. He has no discipline. He isn’t actually that interested in living with you. You are carrying him big time! Perhaps it’s time you put him down and stop letting him sabotage any plans you make or try to make.

You may as well be living in your own place and give yourself some freedom to be yourself until you do know what you want out of life and what you expect from yourself.

Give serious consideration to Mark’s comments.

Peggy

July 30, 2019 at 2:04 am #305635

Danica
Participant

Hey Jill!

Funny I bumped into your post. I actually came out of a pretty similar situation about 7 months ago, except the roles were reversed! I was the A-hole and he was the hard worker. Of course we had our differences, and we argued beyond my laziness.. but I can tell you that change is the inevitable. Coming from his perspective, it feels comfortable to be in that state. Always talking about change and improvement, but never really does anything about it. It feels scary to change as a person, especially when you have a lot of fear inside. Our mind is programmed to routine, then routine becomes habit, therefor change is extremely uncomfortable. You also can’t make someone change, they have to WANT to change. It sounds to me that you are settling and so is he. You could make things work with him, but he has to realize his own flaws as a person and actively try to work on them everyday. Otherwise nothing will happen and things will be the same. In life we always grow, and life is pulling you in a different direction. You’re growing but he’s not. So what do you do right? You do the best thing for you. Please choose yourself first, because there’s someone out there who can really appreciate you for YOU.

July 30, 2019 at 9:30 am #305673

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jill:

“I grew up in a very religious homes school household where social interactions was deliberately kept to a minimum and dating was prohibited”. At 26 you met and have been with your “first and only boyfriend”.

You were used to such social isolation and loneliness at home, that what you did receive from Mike, the little that he gives you, is better than what you had before.

You don’t know how it feels to have more than what you have now because you didn’t have that experience yet. If you did, you wouldn’t consider living with the little you get from Mike.

Question is, how will you ever know how more feels like, if you stay with less?

anita

July 30, 2019 at 10:10 am #305677

Michelle
Participant

Jill.

A lot of good advice already. Your situation sounds pretty bad and I am not surprised you are practically at the end of your tether. You are more like his mother than an equal partner and whilst you let him get away with his bad behaviour, he has no reason to change. You love him deeply even though at a great cost to yourself – so I understand that perhaps going to break up with him is a step too far for you right now. Instead, you could work on drawing up what will and won’t work for you – making it clear that if he isn’t willing to discuss it seriously then if needs be you would rather live in a cheaper place by yourself whilst he takes some responsibility for sorting himself out. A good relationship is a two-way thing – yours is all one way and he has no reason to want to change himself whilst you are there to pick up the pieces for him.

Hope it works out – it’s an awesome move to leave your family and get to one of your dreams of Denver. Sounds like you are a very capable person and worthy of more than this. I hope you find it.
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