Home→Forums→Relationships→Ex is with someone else
- This topic has 22 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 5 days ago by
anita.
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October 15, 2025 at 10:51 am #450938
LilyParticipantHi all. I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice, moreso just a space to vent my feelings.
One year ago, I made the decision to break up with my ex. Since then, I have learned so much about myself and the mistakes / reasons that went into our breakup. I had certain emotional and familial triggers that were unconsciously arising that I have since discovered from therapy. I have discovered that I’m transgender, and had poor self-image / self-confidence / gender dysphoria issues that were suppressed during the relationship. We both had poor communication styles, and didn’t know how to approach conflict in a healthy way; avoidance being our preferred method for handling tough emotions.
I am proud of myself for growing out of this relationship. Proud of myself for making the hard decision to break up – despite the fears of loneliness and insecurity that even persists to this day.
That being said, with all of this healing and transformation – I find myself yearning to return to her as my new self. Especially since accepting I was transgender, I was planning to reach out and try to rekindle things. I discovered before I got the chance that she’s in a new relationship.
This news destroyed me. Far more than I anticipated it would. I cried, barely ate nor slept for four days. Since then (about 2+ weeks ago), I find myself constantly ruminating and endlessly bargaining. Imagining a future where they break up and we get to be together again. I feel stuck in this cycle of rumination, bargaining, and delusion. My biggest block is the idea that we ‘could’ be together again. As in – it is literally and scientifically possible, despite whatever probababilities surround the possibility. And so I feel stuck on that possibility, instead of accepting that the future is unknown and out of my control.
How strange! I am grateful that I get to experience these feelings and I hope that one day I am not stuck; that I can move on completely, and tolerate a future with or without her.
October 15, 2025 at 11:11 am #450945
anitaParticipantDear Lily:
You are welcome to use this space to vent your feelings, all of them 😔🥺😢😠😊🥰🌞🌈💖🎶
Giving all my feelings space to be is an important part of my healing process, not necessarily to act on all of them, but to give them space, let them breathe, so to speak.
But this thread is about your feelings, your healing. I am looking forward to read more from you.
🤍🌿 Anita
October 15, 2025 at 5:17 pm #450959
Thomas168ParticipantNot judging but trying to wrap my head around this. A transgender person in a relationship with a girl who themself had poor self image, poor self confidence and suppressed gender dysphoria. Happy they broke up with this girl. Now wants her back? But, she is in a new relationship. Well, it is good that you got vent. Releasing emotions is sometimes tough. I have found that writing things out sometimes helps to understand what happened. And sometimes not.
Getting over an ex is always tough. It is easier said than done. It begins with a little time not thinking about her. Then more and more time not thinking about her. Soon, it gets easier not being with her. Wish you luck.
October 20, 2025 at 7:14 pm #451107anitaParticipantI would like to read more from you. Lily, your thoughts, your feelings, and respond kindly, respectfully 🙂
October 21, 2025 at 8:52 am #451130
BAIParticipantDear Lily, it seems that this person’s presence is teaching you the final lesson you must face: love and separation. What may be difficult to accept is not necessarily that she has started a new relationship, but that you are still held back by the belief that you were not enough—that if you had been better, you might have returned to her side sooner in a new role. Is that how you feel, Lily?
Perhaps you could try asking yourself: Is it the thought of “not being good enough” that you find hard to accept without her, or is it truly about her loving someone else? Maybe it’s a bit of both. Yet these external factors are not really about what you did or didn’t do, but rather reflect how two people can grow in different directions.
She may not walk with you all the way to the end, but her presence has given you tremendous growth. The very fact that she appeared in your life is, in itself, of profound meaning to you. The red thread of fate still connects you—only not as lovers anymore.
It’s okay to grieve this separation. Releasing these emotions is part of healing. You may reach out to your therapist—I truly hope this helps in some way.
October 21, 2025 at 8:45 pm #451142
SushmitaParticipantHey , is there anyone i need help.. i have been here earlier as well.idk where to start but i am going through a tough time.. i am struggling with my career as well as relationship. My parents didn’t approve the relationship with him, he left and now after 4 years i am still getting up with pain in the chest.. nothing without him is making sense..I tried talking to many others but this feeling doesn’t go away.. i try to study but then this feeling drowns me for days in a row.. he is not married yet. He is 29 i am 27.my mother asked me to run away with him but he has blocked me 4 years ago saying it would help us. I just can’t forget him. How to not feel this feeling every day and be able to live without him. It’s like i am waiting to die soon. Not voluntarily though. I know it’s not possible for us to be together. How do i be casual about it.Its not that i couldn’t let him go.. i have.. but just I don’t want anyone else… 5th year has started almost and nothing has changed..this feeling has died in me.. i am anxious as i write this.. i need stable mind to perform in exams but i m struggling
October 21, 2025 at 9:08 pm #451143anitaParticipantDear Sushmita:
I am sorry you’re going through a tough time. We talked more than 3 years ago.
I’ll get back to you in the morning (Tues night here).
Anita
October 22, 2025 at 6:15 am #451150Thomas168ParticipantHello Sushmita,
Some say the first cut is the deepest. Meaning the first love is very ingrained in the heart and mind. Yes, makes it very difficult to let go of the past. But, in life, one doesn’t stop eating after the first meal is done. When one finishes the first loaf of bread, there is another loaf. And so, for one to move forward, there has to be someone else. That way, the space that was taken by the first love can be displaced by the present time and space.
Memories and wishful thinking will cause you to suffer more than if you were able to let it go. And so that is the exercise, that when thoughts of the first love comes up to let it go. Do not follow or chase after it. Concentrate on your exams. Anytime those thoughts of him come, let it go. Do not think of him. Focus on your book learning. The more you make yourself work on the books and exam then the less hold those thoughts and memories will have their hold on you. You need the time away from those thoughts.
Having a new person in your life is not easy at first. Especially when you haven’t met him yet. So, bide your time and be open to conversations. When it is right, you will know. But, for now, you need to get your mind on your studies. Good luck to you.
October 22, 2025 at 8:56 am #451152
RobertaParticipanthello Sushmita
I am sorry that your heartache has not lessened for you over the years.
The thought of him/your loss arises & if you do not notice quickly or acknowledge that this train of thought is unhelpful & painful it is then easy to spiral down into despair. It is basically like picking up barbed wire & holding onto it tightly. So the trick is to see the barbed wire but not to pick it up & grasp it tightly. It can be helpful to find a phrase such as “that was then, this is now” when you notice that you have become entangled in this train of thought. Each time you quickly & gently unhinge from this train of thought it will allow space for a brighter future. You may have to do this a thousand times but the frequency & intensity will diminish if you do not feed & allow the memories & hopes flourish. doing something physical like Yoga Tai Chi or qi gong will help you be more in your body & less in your head. Also gently rubbing your heart area may help to ease you.
Kind regards
RobertaOctober 22, 2025 at 9:25 am #451153SushmitaParticipantI tried meditation.. therapy and what not.. idk my willpower is this less or what..even if i keep reading the books in the back of my mind i am thinking about him.. feeling like a loser who couldn’t do better.. lately i am feeling suicidal.. I don’t want to die but I can’t sit with myself for 10 minutes without anything. I don’t have it in me to fight this . I feel as if my backbone is broken and i have no strength to stand. On some days i do better .. other days i cry in the library too sitting next to random people.. i have no one to share this with.. nobody understands. All my frnds are getting married having kids and i wish to die sooner.. that’s all i do. I really do try to study.. sometimes i make it. But on most days i just can’t which is like too frequent.. i feel physically sick with this pain. I just couldn’t hate him no matter how much i try.. 😔 idk there is so much to say too less can be said. I am tired of myself. It’s like i can’t be with the person i loved more than anything. Why am i this sensitive and stupid. I feel there is no God who do i talk to. I don’t want to move on.. i want to stay like this but this should hurt less.in last 4 years 5 to 6 guys tried to talk to me but I just don’t feel like it.. i am almost 27 and eveyone around me is after me to get married. I hate this country and our society . I wish to die
October 22, 2025 at 9:56 am #451156anitaParticipantDear Sushmita:
I hear your pain loud and clear. You don’t have to carry this alone. There are people trained to listen and support you—without judgment, without pressure. You can call or email the following (according to my little research):
1) AASRA, Tel: 022 2754 6669, email: aasra.info/helpline.html; available 24/7 in English and Hindi, offers non-judgmental listening by trained volunteers
2) 1Life Suicide Prevention Helpline, Tel: 78930 78930, email: 1life.org.in, open 24/7, staffed by counselors and volunteers
3) Sneha Suicide Prevention Helpline (Chennai), Tel: +91 44 2464 0050, email: snehaindia.org; offers unconditional emotional support
4) Lifeline Foundation (Kolkata), Tel: +91 33 2474 4704, email: lifelinefoundation.in; confidential support from trained volunteers
* You can also explore a full directory of helplines by region via Find A Helpline India or AASRA’s national list.
Currently I am re-reading our past communication and will get back to you.
Please take care of yourself at this time..
Anita
October 22, 2025 at 11:26 am #451157anitaParticipantDear Sushmita:
I hope that you are feeling better by the time you are reading this..?
I went back a few years and spent a few hours reading much of our communication, putting together quotes from what you shared July 13, 2022- March 17, 2024. I was just about to offer you my thoughts (for the purpose of hopefully helping you), but I don’t know if it’s the right time for you to read parts of what you shared over time+ my thoughts about it.
You may need time-away from the issues you’re struggling with. So, please let me know.
Anita
October 22, 2025 at 8:00 pm #451163SushmitaParticipantI don’t know.. maybe i am feeling this anxious because he is in the town.. idk.. I don’t want to take help as well from these contacts you gave.. nothing will end this pain.. it is here to stay.
October 22, 2025 at 8:23 pm #451164anitaParticipantI wish I could help, let me know. Talk to me (night time here, I’ll be back in about 12 hours, maybe sooner). It can get so much better for you, I know! Let me know if you want the quotes I gathered (your words), and my thoughts..
October 23, 2025 at 12:31 am #451167SushmitaParticipantHey thank u so much for being here .. I will not give up on myself..I do feel suicidal at times but I’ll make it .. I don’t know how but i am going to make it.. i am doing fine . Trying my best to stay positive. This too shall pass.
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