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February 18, 2018 at 2:50 pm #193211

Cat
Participant

Dear Anita,

I love both! Maybe when I move to Bristol I can get a pet in my house as I know they are therapeutic and would love to have an animal to look after 🙂 🙂 My sister has a pet dog and she’s been really good for her: it’s taught my sister a lot of compassion/ how to care for something etc.

I started sorting out my room last night – and read your post when I was. Thank you, it has helped me to accept that these emotions are going to come around, and that there’s nothing I can do except for simply to feel them… Trying to resist them only makes it worse. The pain is so much, it comes to my eye’s in tears, I feel the infinite sadness, and then it goes away again.

Me and my sister do try and have a supportive relationship. Although sometimes it can be how it was when we were younger, where we argued lots because of the environment we were in. She has BPD, and she struggles a lot.

I am seeing a psychologist tomorrow to talk about whether I may have BPD/ bipolar.

Cat

February 18, 2018 at 3:37 pm #193219

Mark
Participant

Good for you Cat!

Positive movement for you. Nice story about your sister about the dog.

Good for you for feeling those tough feelings and sticking with it.

Keep it up.

Mark

February 19, 2018 at 6:42 am #193283

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Cat:

The foot cramp method of dealing with pain and distressing emotions helped me greatly build my confidence in my ability to endure difficult emotions. When we are less and less scared of (emotional) pain, believing we will survive it, and that we can survive it without getting ourselves or others into trouble (drugs, raging at another, and so on), what happens is that that fear is removed from the pain, and the pain itself is less overwhelming.

It is peeling off the fear from the pain.

Regarding your sister having the BPD diagnosis. Has she ended the relationship with you repeatedly and then got back together with you?

I also wonder if she feels that she is stuck with that diagnosis, if she believes it is a lifetime condition? Do you?

anita

February 20, 2018 at 11:02 am #193569

Cat
Participant

Dear Mark.

Thank you, I am definitely in a better place than I was a few weeks ago 🙂 Very good sign. I have found that my focus has shifted, from focusing on the rejection from others, to focusing on the self-love in myself, and being wary of my mood changes throughout the day – what thoughts make me feel certain things etc etc. I am going more easy on myself, and I am beating myself up in my mind less and less ( 😀 ) I am due to go back to work on the 2nd March, so I have a bit more time to use my freedom to really practice this mindfulness.

Dear Anita,

Sorry, what does the ‘foot cramp’ method mean? These waves of emotions come to me on a daily basis, but I have gotten better at realising them, and I think of your advice when they come – to simply endure them, and to allow myself to feel what I feel. They have been going away, and I am now seeing the light on the other side of them/ I am now seeing a more positive future 🙂 🙂

I am trying to focus on me an my life, rather than feeling like I need to reply to messages right away etc. I feel so much healtheir from when I was with Clarence, as I was unhealthily obsessed with him. A combination of my co-dependence/ too much focus on others, and a combination of his manipulation too. I went to send a message on fb messenger yesterday, and his name appeared, and I saw he had his profile back. (He always used to get it and delete it because he was so unstable). I did have a look and he’d made a new page, and it looked very manic and intense and like he was trying to prove something. It made me feel better, knowing that his problems are with him, and aren’t really my fault. He is continuing with life the same, whereas I have really grown and changed from all of it. That has made me feel a lot better realising this growth.

I’ve been meaning to talk about my sister. As it’s a very complex and emotionally challenging relationship for me. She is the only family member who I am in contact with. I haven’t seen her for 5 years, since I was 19. The last time I saw her she was in a bad way and she was snapping at me constantly, I couldn’t do anything right, and even when I cried she had a go at me. It was quite abusive.

She is married now and living in Wales. We are in contact via facebook, messaging, calls etc. Sometimes yes, if I say something she doesn’t like, or if we have a small argument she’ll say, “Well, we never got on anyway”, “We’re just too different”, “Well don’t talk to me then”. Etc. I try and stay calm and talk through it, and explain where the disagreement occurred etc. We have gotten better at calmly talking through disagreements, rather than both being defensive and completely abandoning our relationship.

It is extremely difficult though. She is up and down with her emotions. Some days I will text her and she is really low, feeling suicidal etc. I try and be there for her. She is married, and her wife has depression. Sometimes they can be really toxic for each other, and they’ve been abusive to each other in the past 🙁 🙁 They seem good together at the moment. It makes me sad knowing that their relationship has the potential to be like that, and in the past I sent them a serious message saying they both need to wake up and realise the seriousness of the situation. Since then, there has been no more physical abuse. My sister has started removing herself from the situation when she feels triggered etc.

My sister feels triggered on a daily basis. And sometimes it’s difficult to know how to make her be positive again. In a way I do feel responsible for her too. I worry sometimes, that if I progress and overcome my mental health issues, that she will not like me for doing so/ having a happy life. It sounds silly, because on the phone she says that she wants me to be happy. But sometimes I get the feeling that she is resentful of me because I was the parents favourite 🙁 and because I went to uni and she didn’t 🙁 etc etc. Although I always remind her of her great qualities too. She has really low self esteem, and when she sees me with high self esteem, I just really worry that she is going to hate me, or try and put me down – which she used to do when we were young.

I wish I could have a healthy relationship with my sister, but I know it would only work if she had good self esteem too. Otherwise I can imagine meeting up and for her to be nitpicking at me again, which is really, really damaging to be around.

Cat

February 20, 2018 at 11:49 am #193577

Mark
Participant

Cat,

Good for you for taking care of yourself and maintaining boundaries with your sister.

No, we cannot rescue our family (or friends .. or anyone for that matter).

It does pain us to watch someone we love to be in negative situations and act self destructively.

Take care,
Mark

February 20, 2018 at 12:39 pm #193585

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Cat:

The foot cramp method is my term and example of enduring the waves of emotional pain we discussed: not trying to escape an emotion any which way, to make it stop, but to relax into it best you can, let it be, let it take its course, watch the pain rise, reach a climax and go down, lessen until it goes away. Resisting the pain will prolong it. Relaxing into it will allow it to lessen sooner and be gone. This practice will build your confidence in being able to endure painful emotions, to not react to them impulsively in ways that harm you and others.

Regarding your sister, I hope she does heal. I hope she and her wife heal individually and together, help each other. I hope she doesn’t dislike you healing. She might. I don’t know. But disliking you healing is… not to be accommodated, of course. You wrote in your recent post: “my focus has shifted, from focusing on the rejection from others, to focusing on the self-love in myself”- any time you fear rejection by your sister for healing, shift your focus to … healing yourself.

anita

February 20, 2018 at 3:42 pm #193607

Cat
Participant

Hi Mark,

Have I maintained boundaries? I’m not too sure how to handle the situation, or what boundaries there should be or not. In so many ways she is still the lost little girl from our childhood and I really want her to be able to see herself in her highest regard. She has a lot to give but cannot see it. I feel such a deep….sadness/ guilt/ duty to her and I really wish I could make her life better and take her pain anyway 🙁

I guess it’s the same as Clarence. With or without me in the picture, he continues the same self destructive, hateful behaviour. I guess people are going to do what they’re going to, whether I’m in their life or not. I’d like to think of a way that I feel like I have those relationships under control. I have my parents one under control by not being in contact, as they don’t make me feel good about myself, and instead make me feel opposite. My relationship with my sister is kind of under control as it’s all through messages, so can easily not reply for a while etc. Although I do still feel a sense of duty to her, which I’m not sure is normal.

Dear Anita,

I am trying the foot cramp method with everything at the moment – every thought and every feeling. And I am learning to be at peace with whatever it is I’m doing, whether it’s relaxing, to cleaning my room, to going to the shop etc. I guess my self-belief is wavering. Some days I’ll have a clear view of the positive future and the potential of the stable relationships I can have with people. And at other times, the self-doubt kicks in and I retreat…. I am being mindful of this of course.

Regarding my sister – please see what I wrote to Mark above. The more I learn, the more I try and pass my wisdom on to her, however I don’t think it works the same. Sometimes my sister can be really really ignorant which is really frustrating, and be really stuck in her ways 🙁 🙁 🙁 Which makes me really upset. I know she wants to heal, but at the same time she doesn’t realise that she needs to believe that she will heal, in order to. Sometimes she does use her BPD as excuses, and she nitpicks on other peoples behaviour 🙁 It’s times like those when I don’t know what advice to give, or how to handle that situation 🙁 It’s hard seeing her struggle so much when I am progressing, and I guess I don’t really know how to deal with it.

Cat

February 21, 2018 at 5:26 am #193689

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Cat:

You suffer when you think of your sister suffering. You suffer. She suffers.

Let’s say she didn’t suffer. Will your suffering end?

What the brain does when suffering is to look and look for the problem, so to solve it and feel good. So your brain goes to your sister: here is the problem! it announces: if I can resolve her suffering, I will no longer suffer.

This is a trap because she is not the reason you suffer. And then, it is not within your power to eliminate her suffering, so you keep trying and you keep trying… and so, you don’t attend to the real problem, what causes your suffering.

You can get lost in another’s suffering- I see all those sad faces in your last post. This is why I say it is a trap. It is very difficult to turn the focus on oneself when trapped this way.

I used to believe that I don’t deserve to feel happy, to not suffer, for as long as someone in my life was suffering. Well, someone always fit the bill, someone was suffering. So… when one person was feeling okay one day, another was suffering. So I went on suffering and didn’t even get that one day.

anita

February 21, 2018 at 7:26 am #193703

Cat
Participant

Dear Anita,

I had a productive weekend and Monday, but the past few days I’ve been in bed. My head really hurts, so I’m going to the Doctors tomorrow to see if I can increase my medication. I’ve been talking to my girl friends who remind me of why I should be positive in my life and remind me of the good times ahead.

If my sister didn’t suffer, yes my suffering would end. I would feel at peace knowing that she was living a happy life. It’s the same as, when you start looking in to animal abuse etc. the thought of an animal being abused as we speak – that used to make me so upset and depressed 🙁 just thinking about it. It’s that feeling of knowing how much pain someone or something is going through and being powerless to stop it, and fix it.

That is exactly what my brain does!! At work all the staff were complaining about the cuts to the service, the changes etc. And I couldn’t deal with the fact that there was a problem but no action was being taken to fix it. Therefore, I ended up going through a very long complaint procedure, which took months etc etc. At the time it seemed to me like the only thing I could do to make my mind feel at peace with everything that was happening. I cannot stand being around people that complain, with no limit – like, where is the solution??

If she is not the reason I suffer, what is the reason why I suffer? I have guilt from the past, from the person I couldn’t be for my parents. I was sorting out my room the other day, and doing so is forcing me to face myself, and I start to cry, because I remember the feeling growing up, of not being good enough for them, not being worthy of love like other children were 🙁 And always made to feel like I had a problem with me which meant that I wasn’t worthy of love. Because it was my parents who made me feel that way, it’s like their opinion was God’s Truth…. So it’s still so hard for me to comprehend that they were wrong.

How do I remove myself from the trap?

Yes. Me too. When I was young, my great gran died and I stopped listening to music, as a punishment. Because in my head, she couldn’t have the joy of listening to music anymore, wherever she was, which meant that I didn’t deserve to. I guess it’s like that in my life with my parents – when I go to the city centre – they never lived in a big city with so many opportunities, so why should i?? This is something that was really hard growing up, as they used to remind me how lucky I was all the time that I was going to uni, that I was going to live in a city etc. This didn’t do anything apart from make me feel really sad and guilty that they didn’t 🙁 🙁 🙁 I don’t know what they were trying to achieve by saying that, but all it did was make me think about how much my parents didn’t do what I’m doing. It’s the same with my sister, sometimes I’ll be talking to her, and she’ll be like, “I wish I did that” etc etc. and then brings up the fact that I was supported to go to uni, where she wasn’t, and says that I was given a lot more opportunities than her 🙁 Which is true, my parents forced her to be a hairdresser when she was 17. So I do feel bad about the unjust treatment. But at the same time I tell her, well that makes me feel crap because I didn’t ask for special treatment, and I do explain to her that I’ve worked really hard to get my qualifications as well, and that I went five years doing uni completely off of my own back, and working for money etc. So I have done loads of it by myself without any support. It’s very hard situation 🙁

Cat

February 21, 2018 at 7:58 am #193711

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Cat:

Your parents sent you the message that you are lucky, unlike them. Your sister sends you the same message, she must have heard your parents stating the same message. Or otherwise she thinks you are lucky for having an education she didn’t have.

But you don’t feel lucky, do you.

A couple of points: when you first mentioned that your sister lives in Wales, I thought to myself how beautiful Wales is. I have such good memories of Wales. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought your sister is lucky because she is living in Wales. People think other people are lucky for this and that, not knowing better.

Second point: when a parent gives you an opportunity that they didn’t have, such as attending a university, but then send you the message that you are lucky and they are not for this very thing, what they do is take away the advantage in the advantage. I will give you a simpler example: when a parent gives you a delicious piece of cake and tells you while handing it to you and while you are eating it something like: I suffered so much working so to make the money to buy you this cake, look at my hands, they are raw from scrubbing toilets so to make the money to buy you this cake.

How much are you going to enjoy the cake… and every cake afterwards? Will it not remind you of her raw hands and suffering, when you eat a cake. You may still enjoy the flavor but you will also suffer, will you not?

Better not be given such opportunities, pleasure and advantage mixed with pain and disadvantage.

So you have a university degree but you are in bed, depressed. Not so lucky.

Let me know your thoughts. There is more to your post but … one thought or point at a time.

anita

February 21, 2018 at 3:04 pm #193795

Cat
Participant

Dear Anita,

That is exactly it. Being told I’m lucky by all 3 of them just makes me feel so guilty for having the opportunities that I do. Especially because my parents never supported my sister at all, or made her feel like she was worthy of love or anything. It’s such a horrible feeling 🙁 Sometimes I wish I hadn’t gone, just so they wouldn’t see it that way. I feel like saying that makes them put me on a pedal stool, whereas all I’ve ever wanted is just a loving accepting family, it doesn’t matter what education we have or what we do for a job.

My sister does not think that way about Wales. I don’t think she likes it very much because she feels trapped where she lives :/ I wish I could make her see the beauty in what she does have, and the opportunities available to her. I try to encourage her to follow through with her hobbies/ interests/ goals but she doesn’t 🙁 And then complains when her and her wife falls out, and I tell her that she needs to focus on herself.

Exactly. My parents used to do it all the time. They said they’d support me to go to University, but then shouted at me because they were finding it hard financially 🙁 really blamed and shouted at me, which is why I chose to go independent and make money myself. My parents are very manipulative people – they try and come across as being hard done by/ pitied, but then they are really abusive to me and my sister. When I stopped talking to them at University, they did not try and get in contact or apologise, and I soon found out that my Mum had bought a new convertible, even though they were “really struggling” to help me through Uni. Not to mention having the kitchen completely re-done.

A great example of what my parents are like is this: My sister tried to overdose when she was 15. What did my parents do? They had a go at her for “ruining their night”. Seriously. This is the type of attitude/ behaviour from them that I have grown up with. Two people who could never relate to their children at all. Who used to bully and belittle their children, and take all their anger out on them. The amount of times my dad put the fear of God in to me and my sister is disgusting.

About the cake metaphor. Yes, exactly. My mum used to play the pity card everyday. Even though she only went to work for 3 hours. She’d come back and complain that I hadn’t done anything around the house 🙁 Or that I hadn’t made her a coffee for when she got home. Seriously. Even though I was just a young girl, and everyone else was allowed to be a kid. We weren’t allowed to. We were driven in the importance of money from a young age, and were never really allowed a childhood. I had a playstation for my 13 birthday – I sprained my ankle, when I was out on a day trip with my friend and her family (think I’ve mentioned them before? the family that I loved). That was the only time my Mum allowed me to chill out and play on my playstation, when I was injured. As soon as I was better, she would say that I was lazy, and that I spent too much time on it, and that I was selfish.

Selfish. Yes. Selfish. I used to get called Selfish all the time, just for doing fun things that made me happy 🙁 Even when I tried to help my mum would be like “no it’s fine, I’ll do it”. So I could never win. It’s really weird, like her mind was just programmed to be negative, and to make us feel…guilty.

I was always made to feel guilty for living my life. But my parents were so negative, and non-supportive etc. which is why they didn’t do anything with their lives. I still think about it now. As sometimes I still see myself as being the bad one, or the reason why everything is messed up in my family. My heart does hurt a lot, just from all of it. Just from all that pain, negativity and drama I’ve been exposed to growing up. Sometimes I can’t even cry. Sometimes I just feel this heavy feeling in my heart that stays with me for a few days. I am trying to find ways of releasing it, and letting it go.

Cat

February 22, 2018 at 8:05 am #193881

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Cat:

Earlier in your thread you wrote: “I feel guilty for simply living my life… because my parents never had that freedom… if they can’t have it, why should I?… I feel so sorry for my parents for not having these opportunities… deep down I feel responsible for it all, and I really feel like a massive moral weight on my shoulders… it’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under their pains and misery, and feeling like I am harming them if I choose to love myself and therefore cut them out of my life”.

Yesterday you wrote: “If my sister didn’t suffer, yes my suffering would end. I would feel at peace knowing that she was living a happy life… If she is not the reason I suffer, what is the reason I suffer?”

I am ready to answer this question: you suffer because as a child your parents imprinted in your brain the core belief that you are a bad person if you don’t suffer too. That you must suffer until and unless they no longer suffer.

If your sister no longer suffered, that would be a relief for you, but your suffering will resume when you notice that someone else is suffering, triggering your core belief formed in your formative years, those years of childhood,. This core belief will not go away if and when your sister no longer suffers.

You wrote: “When I was young, my great gran died and I stopped listening to music, as a punishment… she couldn’t have the joy of listening to music anymore… which meant I didn’t deserve to.”- The purpose of you punishing yourself is to be good, to punish the bad you and be a good person.

In your most recent post you wrote: “I tell her (your sister) that she needs to focus on herself”- but can you do it yourself, focus on yourself, not on your sister?

When your sister overdosed and your parents’ reaction was to have “a go at her for ‘ruining their night'”, they lacked any empathy for her. That is why they were able and willing to “bully and belittle their children, and take all their anger out on them”.

Your mother complained that you were selfish and didn’t help her. But when you “tried to help (your) mum would be like ‘no it’s fine. I’ll do it’. So I could never win”- you could never win because she had to win at your expense. Her goal in criticizing you for not helping her was not that you do help her. Her goal was to cause you pain. If she allowed you to help her, she would have failed to accomplish her goal.

In summary: this core belief will continue to inflict you with suffering for as long as it exists. There will be good days of hope and positive motivation, but unless you take on the slow and difficult process of healing, that is, changing the many neuropathways in your brain carrying this core belief, the misery will return.

There are no short cuts. There are helpful things, aerobic exercise, meditation, mindfulness… but nothing to take the place of the healing process that needs to be done, probably not possible without the help of a quality psychotherapist.

anita

February 22, 2018 at 11:23 am #193949

Mark
Participant

Wow Cat. I really admire you for being the person that you are coming from that upbringing from those kind of parents.

You have great awareness of the impact on you from being surrounded by such dysfunctional and unloving behavior.

Each of us have the challenge to re-write our story so we can move on and create a healthier and happier life.

I don’t believe there is one magic bullet to do this for us. Meditation, counseling, support network, and many other ways to help us along towards that place of self love.

I believe the key step is having that conscious awareness of who and where we are and how we got to this place (usually from our family of origin upbringing).

Mark

February 25, 2018 at 6:45 am #194365
Cat
Participant
Dear Anita,

I am a ball of emotions today, literally a ball of emotions. Lots of thoughts about everything. So much good, but then there’s also a lot of bad as well. I shall explain, I’ll try and reply to your previous messages and then fill you in on what’s been happening. Your analysis, questions and talking things through with me on here is really helping me – I really appreciate it, thank you.

Yes, it’s true. This is why I don’t eat or do things to benefit myself. It’s easier for me to focus on other people, like spending all my time making sure my friends are okay rather than getting on with my day. They definitely instilled that idea that I’m a bad person if I don’t suffer too, that I’m a bad person if I focus on myself or did things that I loved etc. I always had to be doing something to please them. There was always a massive pressure on me to be perfect. Yet at the same time even when I was perfect, I still wasn’t good enough. I made my dad a rolling stones clock, and I gave it to him, and never saw it again – I think it got thrown away. I got so used to being disappointed and let down, that I didn’t feel it anymore. All I knew growing up was this monumental sadness and just being snapped at by my mother. I don’t think I knew what happiness was for ages, or humour which made it difficult for me going through school. I’m better nowadays though, I can take things with a pinch of salt and laugh at myself.

It’s weird, but on those same lines. It’s like, I hold myself back from having friends, because I feel like if I try and get close to people or be nice then they’ll think that I’m trying to hurt them or something. I am aware that in my mind I hold myself back from doing things, like showering n eating sometimes. Literally like I’m holding myself captive (!!) It’s ridiculous. I need to start changing the way that I see myself (which is happening), slowly!

It’s hard for me to imagine feeling like I deserve things, yknow?

My sister is suffering a lot right now 🙁 🙁 a lot, a lot – which I will explain a bit further on. This core belief is so hard to change it’s ridiculous. Can it be changed?

I think that the purpose of me punishing myself, is so that it helps others. For some reason, if I stopped listening to music, then maybe my gran would have that pleasure up in heaven. (what I thought then). Same as, well if I’m not confident, it means I won’t make other people feel insecure. (in the past I’ve had people who cried n had a go at me cus I was confident n they said it made them feel insecure). I’m worried about starting a band n being confident n pushing myself out there cus I don’t want other girls to be jealous (which has happened before). Whereas I fully support my girl friends 100%.

You made a very good point – I tell my sister to focus on herself, but then I don’t focus on myself. You’re so right when you say that. I feel like it’s different though because she genuinely does need support and help, I feel like it would be selfish of me to not put her first when at the moment she really does need a lot of help.

You are very right. My parents had no empathy at all for us, and never tried to relate to us. Yes, you’re right about my mum too, and that being her goal. I think my dilemma, is that I don’t know how to view it. I’d like to think that deep down at the heart, that everyone has a good heart and wants peace and love, but some people’s actions do the exact opposite. I’ve struggled with finding a grasp of reality on the situation: do I pity them? Feel sorry for them? Should I see both of them as good people who are both just hurting? Or should I see them as being abusive individuals who aren’t good people?

It’s a catch 22 Anita – because the core belief is the thing that is stopping me from doing the things that I need to heal!! such as aerobics, meditation, cooking etc. !! I guess it’s gradually going “I’m worth this”. Yknow?

As for an update – good things – I put on a gig at the Pig n Fiddle on Thursday n it went really really well and everyone loved it 😀 I feel like I’m connecting with my Bristol friends, as they’re on my same vibe, and feeling more confident in that aspect.

Not so good things – yesterday (day after gig). I spoke to my sister on the phone, and she said that things had gotten physical between her and her wife again, and that she had been out walking all night 🙁 🙁 obviously I am worried, and I said to her to come and stay with me. But she said that she can’t because she’s on benefits/ has her dog etc. She has gone back to the house with the wife. I called the DV helpline and got loads of suggestions and links. I am waiting to talk to my sister to talk to her about these options – it’s so hard because I wish she could see what I see, but she doesn’t. The woman on the phone said that it takes people a while to be ready to leave sometimes. I am in contact with my sister everyday, and she knows I love her.

Hi Mark,

Thank you for saying that 🙂 I am getting better! At the moment I have learnt the skill of positive thinking. I’m on a bit of a manic one at the moment as I have started to attract loads of friends, good vibes etc. in to my life – all from self-love and positive thinking, and thinking “your vibe attracts your tribe”. If I am positive, it emanates. It needs to start with me first!

At the moment tiny buddha is helping, positive thinking, and attracting a good support network, and also putting on the gigs and knowing that I will be in Bristol soon 🙂 Sometimes I can be a bit manic, and that can be too intense – because I’m not used to all the positivity, and I get overwhelmed thinking about how much opportunity there is for me etc. I am trying to get a balance so I can remain calm but still be positive in life.

Cat
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Cat.
February 25, 2018 at 8:17 am #194373

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Cat:

The manic part, I wonder if it is that you so often deny yourself of pleasure that when you give yourself the occasional permission to enjoy yourself, you push a whole lot of excitement into a short period of time, hence the manic experience.

You wrote: “I think my dilemma, is that I don’t know how to view it. I’d like to think that deep down at the heart, that everyone has a good heart and wants peace and love, but some people’s actions do the exact opposite.. do I pity them?.. Should I see both of them as good people who are both just hurting? Or should I see them as being abusive individuals who aren’t good people?”

You were referring by “both of them” to your parents, and you wrote about them here: “My parents had no empathy at all for us”.

I was confused in a similar way for decades. I finally arrived at clarity on the issue and will share it with you. I will be referring to your parents taking in the statement that you made about them having had no empathy at all for their daughters.

Each one of your parents was born indeed with “a good heart and wants peace and love” and had that kind of heart for many years while growing up, each reaching out for love from their parents, having lots of empathy for their parents, willing to do anything for love, anything and everything.

When you were born to your parents, they were no longer those children. You never had the … pleasure of meeting your parents when they were empathetic and loving. You met them when they were abusive.

They were born innocent, were innocent for years and then… before you came into their lives, they were no longer innocent.

Should you feel sorry for them? For the children that they were before you met them, you can, if you would like. Feel sorry for all the children born loving and innocent, then betrayed and mistreated.

For the adults that they were and are since you met them: no, not if you could choose how to feel.

Notice this: you are a victim of your parents, but if and when you become a mother, and then you mistreat your own children, again and again, year after year, you will be guilty yourself.

Not that a single event of abuse is okay, none is, of course. But the repetition of abuse over many years without correction makes a once good and innocent person, bad and guilty, in my book.

Let me know if this makes sense to you.

anita
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