Dear Mark,

Definitely. I have lived most of my life believing that my thoughts/ actions/ opinions are wrong, and therefore I have lived so long hiding away with anxiety and depression, and finding myself just falling in to situations. Even having the confidence to get out of bed is a big thing for me – especially in this house where I know I am judged. And because I tend to get to sleep around 4am, due to the unsettled living environment. I had a really good day yesterday (I will explain why in my message to Anita below) – and it made me realise once again, who I am and what I stand for, and why the world does need someone like me.

At the moment I am on anti-depressants, and I will be talking to the bank this week to see what I can do financially for the next couple of months to get me out of this house, and town. The town that I live in is very conservative, and I often get judged and labelled as “trouble” just for standing up for myself. It’s very behind with the times and I do often get judged for a) having an opinion and b) for how I look. I’m going to have a bit of faith in the Universe, as I’m aware now that this town. house, job does not make me happy, and have faith that I will soon be moving to a place that accepts me for who I am and that I am happy in – like Bristol.

I took some time out last night/ today to watch ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’. This evening I am going to be emailing potential houses….. Thank you for your support – above everything happening right now, it has been the thought of the tiny buddha community and feedback on this post that has really given me that strength and hope and sense of understanding that I need.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for being supportive of my assertiveness 🙂 From a young age I was taught to remain quiet, that having an opinion is wrong, and that having my own thoughts and identity was a bad thing. I came from a heavily sexist household, and so I was never really taught to be proud to be a woman, or that it was okay to be a woman and have an opinion (it’s crazy I know). I think that’s why nowadays I don’t put up with any sort of belittlement/ patronising from anyone, because my childhood was wasted living in fear and anxiety – and that’s something I’ll never get back…. So when I do manage to make it in to town, I do assert myself and speak back if I’m spoken to in a disrespectful way, because if I didn’t I think it would send the message that it’s okay to talk to people like that.

I went in to town yesterday, and funnily enough I had a testing situation in a charity shop – presenting me with this exact situation. I actually got labelled as “trouble” for asserting myself, and I think you’ll find this interesting.
Here is what happened:

One of the few times I head in to town (because a lot of the time I stay at home with depression and anxiety), to put up some gig posters. I went in to a charity shop (who still had my old poster up from before). It went like this:

Me: “Hey, is it okay to put my gig poster up in here please? My old one’s still in the window”.
Woman on till: “Yes sure, so you already know that it’s 50p to put up a poster”.
(I didn’t know this as before the woman let me put it up for free, so I just replied honestly).
Me: “Oh I didn’t know that, as last time the woman let me put it up for free”.
Woman on till: “Yes, it’s 50p, as most places charge to put it up”.
(Again, I wasn’t saying that I wasn’t going to pay the 50p, I just know that other places in town don’t charge so I replied honestly).
Me: “Oh really? Most of the cafe’s let me put it up for free”.
(I was starting a general conversation, I never said I wasn’t going to pay the 50p).

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your speedy response. I can see how it was interpreted that way, and also read that way. A few years ago I would of said yes, actually I was wrong to question it…..But in all totality of the universe, what is wrong with asking a question?

My questioning was actually quite child-like and out of a place of curiosity rather than a place of defence. I think too many people are quick to see others as being defensive or attacking, whereas sometimes it is just people, like myself being open-minded enough to share my previous experiences with the woman in the shop. My aim was to strike up conversation about it, as I was genuinely interested as to why they do charge 50p – as I’ve never heard of that before.

If you read it, I never explicitly said that I was against the idea of paying the 50p, I simply asked a question. And when I say about me putting it up in other cafe’s etc. I’m merely sharing my experience…. The same way a child would, if they were told to go to bed at 8pm, but the previous night were allowed to stay up until 11. The child would say “But I was allowed to stay up until 11 last night?” – coming from a place where they are trying to understand the inconsistencies… The aim for me was to start up a conversation about what shops do charge and what shops don’t, purely from a place of curiosity.

If other people wish to see me and interpret me as aggressive for questioning out of curiosity,being honest to the woman and saying that cafe’s don’t charge, and then standing up for myself against a girl who’s instantly assumed my intentions and feels entitled to then passively try and belittle me – then I’m completely fine with that 🙂 I walk away knowing my true intentions and who I am as a person, and they are left with their misconceptions of me in their minds.

Unfortunately it happens to me a lot – I am just honest and people take that as they will – some get me and others don’t. At the end of the day I’d rather be honest and misunderstood/ seen as controversial than not be honest, be careful of what I say and in turn remain anxious and paranoid what people think all the time.

Cat

Hi Anita,

Sure thing – also, you posted that last post at exactly 11:11 :O !!

Cat

Dear Mark,

Yes they are!! I noticed it from the start and realised that you were in a different country! I’m actually in England, so the time now is 4.28pm. So I’m 8 hours ahead 🙂

Dear Anita,

I must point again – that one of your last posts – you posted at exactly 333!!!!!! One of the Master Numbers of the Universe 🙂 It’s not a coincidence – maybe the Universe is trying to speak to YOU here, and show you that it is listening 🙂

Thank you for devoting so much time to think about my post and give me such in-depth feedback. I am trying to get through my tick lists each day, but also taking time to rest and heal and not put pressure on myself. When I feel scared or I feel in doubt, I come back to this thread, and write my feelings out on here and the current situation I find myself in… Knowing that someone else knows that same feeling of total despair, loss and lack of faith/ hope in all life – knowing that someone can emphasise and understand that and have overcome it too is all I’ve ever needed. A lot of therapists, friends etc. have never quite been able to understand just how monumental and soul destroying, confidence destroying the journey has been for me – so I am so so grateful to have found this forum.

Reading back the quotes that I wrote is painful. It reminds me of how I felt at the time and the person that I was when all those things happened. When I was young it was like my soul had been silenced, and my faith in life had already been taken. Living with two major depressive, abusive pessimistic nihilists is so so so so difficult at such a young age (!) I know that they will always see me as they want to – I’m wrong for having an opinion/ I’m “evil” for standing up to them etc. They will never ever see me for who I really am, and that’s something that I am accepting by the day.

I agree and relate so much: looking for ANYTHING to escape the awful reality of the misery I was born in to. I have felt almost like a stray human, the same way there are stray dogs and cats. I have spent so long being on my own in life, visiting friends houses, being invited to have Christmas with friends families, visiting different countries and walking own cities getting a glimpse of different people with their families and lives. Like I have never really been accepted in the human race, like I am an alien that is visiting for a brief period of time. Just always being the outsider with so much despair in my heart, silently crying out hoping that someone will be able to take all my memories and pain and fix me, give me a lighter head and take away my worries…. I realise now that only I can do this.

What was your third option? When and how did you see that there was a third option, and what did it entail you doing? Yes, completely, I would love to continue our dialogue as it’s really helping me work through a lot of my own stuff. I respect the fact that you need to do that over time as well as it’s not easy opening up to someone you don’t know in person. The reason why I posted everything in my life on here at once, was because for too long I’ve had it stored in my heart, feeling like I’m hurting people if I tell them. But with Tiny Buddha, I just saw hope there, because I knew I’d be reaching out to souls who have had similar experiences, and I felt like those souls could support with me with talking them through, and helping me heal and grow (souls such as yourself).

You’re right: I have put my trust and faith in people very easily. I think, because I see everyone else who aren’t my parents, as being saints. I really do. I see so much goodness and potential in people, just because they aren’t abusers, or the people who have abused me. And I presume that they are as open-minded, or understanding of others as I am. I realise now that everyone is complex, and because of the society we live in, not everyone is instantly as accepting as I am. I have learnt that in this life being so open and accepting (even though that’s qualities that the world needs more of), can really lead to some unkind situations. I am learning, by the day, to maintain by open soul, with confidence of ego, and to be weary of how I present this and communicate/ connect with others – as some people can misunderstand me.

The first time I met Clarence I said “Do you believe in 11:11?” and he said yes, I kiss my watch every time I see it. So now, when I see 11:11 (I saw it last night), I kiss my phone, and put a wish out to the Universe. Before I went to the festival, on the plane my mind just said “Just get to the front for the Buzzcocks and you will hang out with the person you meet at the front”. I did, and over the duration of the time we were together, Clarence told me that he had also wished that he would meet a girl at the festival, and his friends had said he needs a girl who can handle him” (which is what I’ve been told about myself and guys as I too am a very intense and complex person). I cannot explain the sheer spiritual meeting it was with Clarence – I gained an insight to his life, to his heart, to his soul. I saw all of his pain, and my open-soul brought out the light and the dark in his.

We spoke about spirituality/ Alan Watts theory on love. A lot. He proved himself to be a very emotionally intelligent soul, but he has this very dangerous ego that gets in the way of that – drugs, violence, hatred. He is so passionate about his beliefs, but at the same time this can turn into hatred, and he isolates himself, and he is unstable. It’s crazy. I fell in love with him because I saw his soul, and not only that: the darkness in his life reflected the darkness of mine.

When I came back to England we continued these chats about spirituality, and love, and how we were so lucky to of found each other. He was the male version of me, it seemed. Although there were still attachment issues holding us back. I returned to my life where I still lived under the umbrella of my past, in fear of living for myself and going for my dreams, lack of confidence and a lot of issues with sex as well… He, was still an addict and still had a lot of his own past that haunted him too. Given both of those situations, it is clear (from the Universe perspective) that we both have our own soul work to do before being with anyone, really.

Before I went to Chicago, I had been seeing 11:11 for months and months before. I researched in to it, and 11:11 can represent twin flames. I let go of this idea for a while. I didn’t even think about it when I was in Chicago at all. It was the other night, when I was watching ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ – that I suddenly thought about twin flames again. I googled it and chose one website to read about them again. I was crying a bit, as I was still thinking about him, and how the loss of him in my life has pushed me to face the things that I need to do in myself, and all the areas that I need to face to. I have a stronger relationship with the Universe than anyone else, and I know that each interaction is a lesson. I spoke to the Universe and I was thinking “Really? Could Clarence really be my twin flame?” It seemed like such a stupid idea – but – and I’m really not making this up – when I reached the end of the article, the article was signed off ‘Clarence x’ (but his real name, obviously). I touched my heart, cried, and I saw that as a sign from the Universe, that yes, he was/is my twin flame.

Twin Flames are the souls that are mirrors to yours, and I’ve read that they reflect areas in each others lives that need to be addressed before they can spiritually unite. I no longer have an attachment to Clarence, but I have an attachment to my goal of making my life as great and healthy as it can be, because I know that once my soul comes out the other side: Only then will the Universe send me the person I am meant to be with. Even if it is not Clarence, I have accepted that. Sometimes Twin Flames meet and don’t unite in this lifetime, it can take lifetimes before they are re-united for good. If we were to reunite in this lifetime, Clarence would have to overcome his addiction, face his past which he runs from, and be in touch with his Soul and Spirit. All of these things are quite a lot to do, so who knows. Will we ever meet again in this lifetime? I do not know. But I strongly believe that the Universe sent him to me to set my soul on fire, and wake me up to realise that I have to live for me.

RE: Your beliefs. It’s okay, you don’t have to believe what I believe, because I don’t agree that everyone should have the same beliefs at all. I think that everyone is so unique, and I think that everyone has the right to their own belief system that works for them. It doesn’t need to be believed by other people – that is never the point. If a belief system is believed by one individual and enhances their life in numerous ways, then their belief is valid – that’s what makes it unique, that’s what makes it magic.

I believe that my belief of the Universe is working for me – because it’s my belief – it exists in my mind and heart, it converses with me and it works for the benefit of me – through the hardships and the good times. My belief in the Universe started when I was a young child. I was unjustly abused by my mother and ran to my bedroom in tears. I must’ve been about 6. I remember I have never cried so much in my life. My face was really puffy and blotchy and my Mother had broken my heart. I sat there, and cried for hours an hours. Waiting for her to come and make things okay…. But she never did. It was at that moment that I prayed to something – I didn’t know what it was – I wasn’t praying to an idea of God in the sky, or praying to a deity at all – I was just sending a help message out in to the cosmos it seemed. Hoping that my thoughts would be projected somewhere, and something or someone would hear them. It was then, I remember seeing a light through the gaps in my hands, and I remember looking up to the window with the light shining through. For whatever reason, that light was my hope, and it ignited something in my own heart. And it was from that day on wards that I knew the one thing I could rely on: that would give me faith and hope, was the strength and wisdom held within my own heart. All of these questions I ask the Universe: they come from both the outside and the inside – It shows me the signs, and my heart gives me it’s wisdom. <3 Buddhism has been the only specified religion that I identify with purely for these reasons: the Universe exists outside me and within, and in a way I am my own God and I get to decide the fate of my reality.

Everyone has their own idea of what their world is, or what the universe is to them, how do they relate to it? What do they see in the darkest stretches of their imagination? Everyone has their own belief system or non belief system works for them – or doesn’t work for them – as sometimes people may have an unknown faith in nihilism, which they don’t recognise, but prevents them from taking opportunities, chances or risks that they don’t believe they are worth taking. It is not my place to say what is right or wrong, or what people should believe or not believe – I just know that the relationship we have with life, and how we connect to what our idea of life is, dictates everything about our lives.

I completely understand that not everyone will believe in what I say about angel numbers, or coincidences or twin flames – but I’m not here to push that on to people – I’m here to share my own truth of what I’ve experienced and witnessed – and that in my own life, my own sense of the Universe has been corresponding with me on quite monumental scales. If my stories give someone else courage to believe that what they think the Universe is right, for their own life – then that would be something 🙂

In terms of the Angel numbers as well – a couple of weeks ago I was up late writing out my C.V. As I did, I checked my phone on the hour. And guess what? Each time I checked it, it was EXACTLY on the hour. 1:11, 2:11, 3:11, 4:11. No joke. I told my sister about this and said – yep, that’s another sign from the Universe that the action I’m taking is in alignment!! Since telling my friend Jo about ’11:11′ she said to me – “You know, I keep seeing your number now, since you’ve said it!” – and I said, “No, that number is yours now :)” – And I felt happy knowing the Universe was also showing her that she is also in alignment.

I have recently been checking my phone, and it’s been at 10 past the hour, or at 55 minutes past the hour. I’ve been seeing 555 a lot, and I know that this symbolises massive changes too. Fingers crossed this for me, means new life in Bristol, a re-born confidence, and a re-born hope and faith in the world and humanity. I have a feeling that it really will and am already starting to see the affects… My friend Miles sent me a youtube video to one guy’s morning routine – it’s amazing. But part of that routine, has been, in order to get up in the morning – hold up 5 fingers and then do a count down. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. As soon as you’re on 1 you have to get up out of bed… I’ve been doing this recently and it’s helping me get through my depression – as it pushes me to joke, laugh n test myself first thing in the morning. I wake up, stretch my arm reallllly high in the air, and do the countdown. Sometimes, I do 5,4,3….and then start again… 5,4,3,2,1 etc. Which makes things easier!!

I did this yesterday and it gave me more time in my morning. Usually I wake up late as possible with no enthusiasm for my life and drag myself to where I’m meant to be. I’d usually do this and get a taxi to the Doctors, but yesterday was different – I had more time and I went and got the bus instead. The result? My day all round was more productive. I got the bus in to town, and felt the fear of being around people (fear and guilt about my parents). I sat on a bench, I embraced the feeling of guilt…And then I let it go. I’ve never been able to do that before. So that was a big step for me, I may have to keep practising this when I am around people, but the fact that I have proven that I can do it has given me hope.

This weekend I am taking some time out to firstly clean up my room (finally). Something that I have been putting off for ages! And sell some things as well. Really sort it out and get rid of any unnecessary belongings (and old energy in my room!). Once I have done that, I think I will be in a better position to start looking for houses.

Also – this is random, but do you watch Black Mirror? It’s incredible, science fiction show about modern day life, with different moral dilemma’s surrounding technology. I started watching the recent series last night, it’s on Netflix, and there was one episode which was about relationships – and it was so beautiful and well-written. Made me think a lot about free will/ determinism, learning from break ups etc. You might like it.

Anyway, I’ve written loads,

Signing off at 5:55pm

Cat