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  • February 3, 2018 at 10:52 pm #190553
    Mark
    Participant

    I believe in spiritual signs such as 11:11 but also know that it is not the be all, end all of the final destination.  Clarence was/is probably a stepping stone for you for further realization and growth.  He is not your final stop/relationship.  I cannot pretend to know why he showed up in your life but from the sounds of him, he is not a healthy person to be in your life anymore.

    My guess is that you got more validation that you are worthy and that there are others who you can relate to who are spiritually struggling.  Perhaps right now you don’t need guidance from the Universe but just time to heal.  That maybe all the guidance you need for now.

    I am sorry that you are struggling so and depressed.  We are here for you in spirit and on this website Cat.  It’s a day-by-day thing to live.  I am sure there will be others here on this site who will give you more concrete support in helping with your depression and sense of worthiness.  Right now Cat, I am sending you a hug and love.

    Mark

    February 4, 2018 at 7:16 am #190603
    Cat
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    Thanks for the speedy reply. I believe in 11:11 too: I got a tattoo of it on my wrist in Chicago (before I met Clarence). I am definitely a free spirit but sometimes this means that I can follow down the wrong path because I believe the universe can send us people we are meant to be with or learn from. I feel that most of my life I have been running away from making decisions and putting it up to the universe and following signs, rather than using my own sense of judgement. The only haunting thing about Clarence was how much empathy I felt for his own pain and suffering – I’m a highly empathetic person and sometimes I feel this calling to help people or make them see the best in themselves. It was a catch 22, because as much as I showed him the best parts of himself, it was still damaging for me. Sometimes I am still haunted by the thought of him in Chicago and whatever he is doing/ his suffering, but I guess this is something that will gradually fade out.

    This has been a pattern for many of my relationships: I tend to see the fullness of another person before I see myself, and this is something that I really need to focus and work on. I have dreams and goals and a desire to make a better life for myself here in England and surround myself with good people. When I got back to England, I threw myself into putting on gigs and performing and doing promotion stuff – however because of my behavioural/mental issues, there’s been hardships within that too, and so now I just feel like allowing myself to not do anything.

    I’ve spent the past couple days just resting, sleeping, watching films etc. And allowing myself to feel upset. I wanted to allow myself to do this so I could finally release all the grief I have in my heart, and be ready for the next steps in life. I had the idea to post my story up on tiny buddha last night as a final honest release, in the hope that other like-minded people would be able to give me more of an idea of the meaning behind it all, and how I can become a stronger person.  If you have any advice on how to heal/grow/learn properly and become stronger then that would be much appreciated.

    Thank you for your reply,

    Cat

    February 4, 2018 at 7:42 am #190609
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Cat:

    I used to believe in numbers too, but not because I was  spiritual, but because I was desperate. Today’s date would have meant something to me in the past: 2-4-2018. Two  times four is eight, 2, 4, 8. And then, there were  many dates and many repetition of digits, many combinations. I was desperate, I needed hope, hope that today,  because of the numbers  in the date, today will be different. Today I will be  okay.

    I now see a lot of random, random that I used to put together as if there  was meaning  in it. Lots and  lots of random.

    You asked  for other people’s thoughts about the relevance  of Clarence  in your life. I see the  two of you as two individual struggling, coming  together and  then separating, you are  still struggling. He is  probably struggling  too.

    The yelling of  your mother, yelling at you.. and for no reason, that is definitely enough to originate that  struggle  I mentioned. A child is simply not equipped to handle yelling very well, to handle aggression. It starts a cascade  of  trouble that keeps going and going until healing  takes place.

    I am familiar with  such yelling. I  still hear it at times. And then I listen and  try  to hear nothing  at all.

    anita

    February 4, 2018 at 8:35 am #190623
    Cat
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for the reply. Yes you’re right – I look to the numbers because I am desperate for hope, and desperate that everything that has happened has been for a reason, and that my life has meaning. It’s silly, I don’t really eat properly or focus on food at all so I replace it with other distractions. I guess numbers is one of them when deep down I know that what I need to do is focus on me and my body. I think Clarence was also another distraction from this, and losing him has meant that I really do need to create a life that I’m not trying to escape from.

    Yes, sometimes I hear the yelling and shouting when I try and sleep. It’s engrained in my memory and sometimes I hear the insults over and over. How does healing happen?

    Cat

    February 4, 2018 at 8:57 am #190625
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cat:

    The yelling and the insults are engrained in my  memory as well. That’s what our brain does, it records and remembers. Healing happens in nature, it  happens  to trees that get injured. Automatically, without the trees intending to heal or directing the process  of healing. That same process is available for us humans as well. Problem is we often stand in its way, chasing short cuts, reading  this and that and trying what doesn’t work. Then starting what does  work but giving up when distressed.

    Healing for me has been getting out of my way best I can, availing myself to nature healing me (a relief as I don’t have to… invent healing, it is there already, a greater force than what I am capable to bring about). It takes a long time, lots of persistence, a whole  lots of patience through distress. It is about learning, adding new things for the brain to record, and slowly quiet down the yelling, replace the insults with truth.

    anita

    February 4, 2018 at 9:20 am #190629
    Mark
    Participant

    Cat,

    Give yourself credit for your awareness of your patterns.  Being mindful of what they are is highly useful in changing your behavior.  Also give yourself credit that you are healing and becoming stronger in every time you have took time to rest, heal, feel upset, etc.  Plus you do have dreams and goals so that is another plus.

    I concur with anita on how this process takes persistence and patience.  We are here for you.  Plus you said you want to surround yourself with supportive people.  Remember that for there are people who want to help you.  Let them rather than you expending energy to help others who are unhealthy for you.

    Mark

    February 4, 2018 at 11:20 am #190641
    Cat
    Participant

    Anita,

    I realise now that a lot of the time, I chase the validation of others for my own healing, which always fails to work of course. I realise this because since being back in England, to deal with everything I put all my energy into putting on gigs and tried to start up a band myself. Because I was so quick to use this as escapism, it means I allowed myself to be associating with people who weren’t good for me. There was a guy who was going to drum in my band but I found out later he was doing it because he liked me and was in fact really creepy. He just dropped all my amps back now, and I didn’t give him much energy at all. It felt liberating to know that I am moving away from the people in my life who aren’t in it for my best interests, and moving towards people who are genuine, kind and have honest intentions.

    I think for me, healing is to start protecting my energy and to stop letting in people who won’t respect me or understand me etc. For too long I’ve been an open book, hoping that someone will pick me up and understand me. I’ve allowed myself to be open and vulnerable to a lot of people. Now I realise, I am my own book and only I need to understand and accept myself, and surround myself with other books who are on my wavelength.

    Mark,

    You’re right – I felt better today after posting on here, and knowing that I’m allowing myself to grow and move forward from this. I’ve been searching for the answers in the angel numbers and tarot cards, but when I posted on here last night it felt uplifting – because I knew that the right people were going to hear this story, and help me a long my journey – I needed to connect and share it with other people who understand spirituality and faith.

    I think far too often I have been looking for answers from people who aren’t spiritual or have a faith, and so they can tell me what I want to hear, and then talk about me behind my back because they don’t understand my spirituality/ faith. If you read what I wrote to Anita – I have done this far too many times and allowed myself to be far too open to people who aren’t good for me. I’m glad I have the tiny buddha forums now because that has given me an outlet for my emotions in the right space.

    Cat

    February 4, 2018 at 11:40 am #190643
    Mark
    Participant

    Cat, It sounds like you are becoming more discerning and discriminating in choosing the people who you let into your life.  That is good in trusting yourself like that.

    By the way, are you a musician?  have a band?  Is that part of your dreams and goals?

    Mark

    February 4, 2018 at 1:32 pm #190667
    Cat
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    Yes I am… I’ve been surrounded by the wrong kind of people for far too long(!!) I currently live in a houseshare where my other housemate who lives below is also a coke addict, and her and her friend stay downstairs and complain alot. It is testing to say the least as I can hear them from my room. I am currently looking to move out.

    And yes, I play/ am learning guitar. I would like a band – this is one of my dreams and goals, along with starting a new happy life in Bristol.

    Cat

    February 4, 2018 at 1:59 pm #190675
    Peter
    Participant

    With regrades to Faith. Fear is to courage as doubt is to Faith. It is in time of doubt that we lean on faith (and often discover it)

    Certainty does not require Faith. You have/had faith in the universe guidance yet do not fully embrace the reality that life is constant change and that we become conscious after experiencing the tensions between opposites.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Peter.
    February 4, 2018 at 3:40 pm #190691
    Cat
    Participant

    Peter,

    I disagree, some parts of life aren’t constant change – such as relationships that stay together? Or would you say that within those relationships, there is always constant change? People also stay in the same jobs and live in the same houses too…..So not all life is constant change. If life was constant change, then we’d be living in times without mortgages, or set jobs, there would be no persistence and things being built. So life is not constant change, life is also persistence.

    Cat

    February 4, 2018 at 5:58 pm #190705
    Peter
    Participant

    Perhaps its a matter of semantics and perceptive – how we direct consciousness

    From your perspective (a focus that discounts the experience of the moment) I might say Life does not change. We are born we die… that does not change

    Yet so much can happen in between life and death… From another perspective our body literally change with each breath we take. Every breath a birth and a death. (Every breath containing the past, present and future.)

    After each cycle of life and death after each cycle of spring turning to summer, turning to fall, turning to winter… The thing we call ‘I’, family, relationship, society, history changes… What has stayed the same?

    You are not the same person you were as a child, you are no the same person that wrote the initial post.

    Change happens slowly then all at once – we tend not to notice all the little changes until we do. There is constant change and as we change our experience of relationship changes, our experience of our job changes….

    Life/Universe demands growth it cannot survive stagnation and much of that growth comes through the grace of pain. That is Life as it is.

    “Every things changes and stays the same.” 🙂

    February 4, 2018 at 6:50 pm #190707
    Cat
    Participant

    Peter,

    First could I ask that you write the messages properly on here – with an address to me and sign off from yourself? Just because this is the most personal post I’ve ever posted online, and therefore I think it needs to be dealt with with consideration and respect, especially towards me as I’m the person really bearing my soul here and reaching out. I have found the other messages and advice I have been given really sensitive and considerate, but I am finding yours less so. I know you mean well, but it’s not okay to try and explain someone else’s faith to them, or what someone must do in order to be conscious – the universe is large, and we all have our own experiences, truths and faiths and levels of consciousness that we believe to be true, and that uniqueness in experience should be respected.

    I don’t feel that my perspective does discount the experience of the moment – as I’m very much aware of where I am in the present moment, and the factors that have led me to this point. Am I dictated by my mind/ memories? Probably. But I am right in saying that some people don’t change – like my parents – they stayed the same….And tried their hardest too. What is your opinion on people who do this?

    I understand what you mean about pain: it happens slowly and over time. Yes, you’re right. I do believe that I would not of grown if it hadn’t been for this break up. I wouldn’t of faced the areas of my life that I needed to change/ grow in if it wasn’t for this break up, so maybe that is a lesson from the universe.

    Thanks for your wisdom, it is helping.

    Cat

    February 4, 2018 at 8:29 pm #190711
    Bryan
    Participant

    Hi first time I’ve ever posted on one of these but Iam just in such a low and I do not know why I have a beautiful fiancé and a baby boy coming in March my life has not been easy I struggle with addiction and it’s been a problem since I was a teen I’m (23) I have a good job lots of loving family but I feel empty inside I never feel satisfied with anything I do not know why I do have bipolar depression and ptsd but that’s not it it’s like there a giant hole in my chest and I’m going insane I never feel like I did enough in the day I never achieved what I truly wanted I just want to know what pure happiness feels like just need a little Advice from and outside perspective

    February 5, 2018 at 6:34 am #190769
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Cat:

    In your note to me you wrote: “healing  is to start protecting my energy and to stop letting in people who won’t respect me or understand me etc. For too long I’ve been an open book, hoping that someone will pick me up and understand me… Now I realise, I am my own book…. and surround myself with other books who are on my wavelength”-

    Later on, here on your thread, you asserted yourself with a member and did it very well, if I may say so.  You practiced here what you wrote (quote). The more you practice this in any circumstance of your life, be it on your thread here, in your home, anywhere, the better your well-being.

    I used to look at about just anyone as a  potential savior, the one to pick me up from my despair. Oh, how much more despair it was when I was… picked up by the wrong  people. It is so very  important to  be selective, to evaluate a person before becoming vulnerable to that person.

    anita

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