Ended relationship but now feel anxiety/regret?

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This topic has 11 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 1 month ago by Sege.

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January 26, 2020 at 5:47 am #335042
Elizabeth
Participant
Hi all,
So strange, I never thought I’d seek for help online but here we are. I like to browse tiny Buddha and now here I am posting myself for the first time.
I ended a 2 year relationship 6 months ago and it’s still killing me inside. I feel anxious everyday, I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. I keep ruminating and thinking about it and want it to stop.
He loved me inside and out. But I am wondering if there is something wrong with me. In my life whenever I get close to someone I lose interest and want to run away and always do. But he was different – I felt so comfortable with him and really loved him. But throughout the relationship the same doubts were at the back of my head – do I really love him? Is he really the “one”? Will I regret this?
We spent all of our time together and I lost touch with everything in my life, such as my friendships, simply because it wa so comfortable and lovely to be with someone who loved me so much. I think it was easier to be distracted when I was physically with him. I hated the loss of my individuality and freedom but also didn’t want it to end. So I felt like I was in a glass cage watchjng people live their lives but too scared to leave.
Towards the end we fell into a routine and my doubts got worse and worse. We almost felt like siblings than a couple. I was so unhappy and full of guilt, yet part of me still loved him. I finally broke up with him and it was the hardest thing I had to do but I felt it was the right thing for about two months, and then I began to worry whether I did the right thing. I am “happier” now and people have said Ive really blossomed, yet this part of my life is killing me. Now he has met someone else and it has absolutely killed me. I have anxiety everyday and I’m so emotionally exhausted. Yet something is still holding me back from asking him to give us another go. I’m terrified that I’d we do the doubts and same problems will come back.
I need to soldier on and give myself breathing space I know. But I am so sick to my stomach over the whole thing. I cannot tell whether we’re simply not right for each other, or if I’m a horrible person for throwing something away. I am also scared I will never meet someone again!
- This topic was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by tinybuddha.
- This topic was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by tinybuddha.
January 26, 2020 at 9:24 am #335160

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elizabeth:

Welcome to the forum! You shared that you ended a two year relationship six months ago.

You wrote: “I am wondering if there is something wrong with me. In my life whenever I get close to someone I lose interest and want to run away and always do”- it means that when you get close to someone you get scared. When we get scared we are motivated to run away (the Flight response to Fear).

“throughout the relationship the same doubts were at the back of my head- do I really love him? Is he really the ‘one’? Will I regret this?”- the fear brought about these questions. First there was fear, then came the doubts. The purpose of the doubts was to motivate you to run away, that is, to end the relationship.

“But he was different- I felt so comfortable with him and really loved him”- when you were a child you felt very comfortable with a parent and really loved that parent and then that parent hurt you. Fast forward, you feel that comfort and love for this man and you get scared about what is to come next (you being hurt by the object of your love).

When you broke up with him you felt a relief for about two months (no longer scared), but then you started “to worry whether I did the right thing” and you are scared again (“I have anxiety every day and I’m so emotionally exhausted).

More of my thoughts: quality psychotherapy/ counseling will be best for you at this time. Anxiety is indeed exhausting and it often leads to depression. It is rooted in your childhood experience with one or both of your parents. If you would like to let me know of your thoughts about what I wrote here, and maybe share some about your childhood experience, please do, and I will reply further to you.

anita

January 26, 2020 at 11:34 am #335178

Elizabeth
Participant

Thank you Anita for your response 🙂

My parents didn’t have a great marriage and still don’t. They argued all the time and are miserable with each other. They pretty much hate each other. Thats what I grew up with and truly thought was normal. I thought every marriage ends like this.

So perhaps thats why I run away. I get deathly scared of relationship commitment. It’s not in the sense that I want to sleep around, but rather I fear I start to lose my freedom, independence and individuality. I wish I wasn’t like this.

But I couldn’t tell if this was a problem within me and he was the right person – or that perhaps he was just simply the wrong person. So I had to end it. Everyone around me said it was the right decision, that we weren’t suited, but I still miss him and it aches to already see him move on. My heart wants to get back with him but my head says no as do my friends.

The anxiety is indeed exhausting, as it the constant analysing thats going on in my head.

January 26, 2020 at 11:59 am #335186

Inky
Participant

Hi Elizabeth,

He may not want you back. In any case, he is with someone.

However! There is a small chance that he’ll say, “Yes”! Ask him out, maybe next year. Be honest. Say that you really love your freedom, but if it could be a casual thing: Dinner. A movie. A roll in the hay. Once a month or so, that would be lovely.

Relationships don’t have to be all or nothing.

Best,

Inky

January 26, 2020 at 1:02 pm #335198

Elizabeth
Participant

Hi Inky,

Thank you. It is difficult because I was ‘the one’ for him he wanted to settle down with. He says he still feels that way even though he is in another relationship now. I can’t ask him to be casual. I feel like I need to figure out what it is I want before I approach him again – this was my first relationship. But it hurts so much to see him with someone new. What if after experience I realise he is the one for me but then it is too late?

January 26, 2020 at 1:22 pm #335202

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elizabeth:

You are welcome. I agree that it is wise that you “need to figure out what it is I want before I approach him again”.

Regarding him being the one, as in “What if .. I realize he is the one for me but then it is too late?”- If a man is honest and decent and you are too, and the two of you share the same values on the top of your value list, and you are compatible enough and the two of you work well as a team, helping each other, then that man is the one for you and you are the one for him.

Clearly your mother and father were not the-one for each other because they didn’t work as a team: they didn’t help each other, instead they hurt each other (and still do) and they hurt you.

“I get deathly scared of relationship commitment” because you suffered in the context of the relationship commitment that your parents made to each other. You were not an objective person in that context, you were very much there, every day, emotionally affected by the hate between them. You experienced marriage hate and misery by proxy.

Because of your experience you will continue to have significant difficulty in the context of romantic relationships, this is why I suggested psychotherapy. But your childhood experience does not mean that every man you meet is the right man for you. How can you tell then regarding your ex boyfriend, “if this was a problem within me and he was the right person- or that perhaps he was just simply the wrong person”?

Can you make a list of concerns you had about him not being the right man for you?

anita

January 26, 2020 at 1:28 pm #335206

Elizabeth
Participant

Hi Anita,

I am beginning to wonder if I need psychotherapy as well but it is simply too expensive.

Is it possible to speak over private messages, I would feel more comfortable that way so that I can go in depth?

January 26, 2020 at 1:46 pm #335210

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elizabeth:

There is no option here to message privately and I don’t want to do so over private email. I hope you can share here without giving identifiable information such as names of people and places, exact ages and so forth. I’ve been very active on this website for years, under my real name (same as my screen name), sharing personal information and not a single person in my life outside this website knows about my participation here. So I think you are quite safe.

anita

January 27, 2020 at 2:14 pm #335284

Narsil
Participant

Dear Elizabeth: I really feel for you, as I am in a sort of similar situation – I have been having nagging doubts about my relationship, the same obsessive thoughts as yours: ‘do I really love him?’ etc. The thoughts have been so stressful to deal with that I started going to therapy. I haven’t left my partner but I think about leaving everyday even though I really don’t want to.

As Anita said, your doubts are probably linked to fear. Something that has really helped me is a website called https://conscious-transitions.com/. Sheryl Paul talks a lot about relationship anxiety and why do we get these thoughts and how they connect to our inner fears. Also YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxNjAXPrJm-MI_jr9Er-ujQ

Maybe try to understand whether these doubts you are having are connected to something deeper, and also if there is indeed something in that relationship that needed your attention.

Sending lots of positive vibes your way! Please be gentle with yourself.

January 29, 2020 at 11:22 am #335660
Elizabeth
Participant
Hello Anita,

It was a very intense, obsessive relationship. I felt as though I was being smothered at Times. Our sex life suffered as a result. He was a passive person which irritated me sometimes. He would agree with whatever I said if I pushed it enough. However I loved him as a person. He loved me, we had good communication, we talked all the time, we were true partners. However my friends and family did not think we were right for each other, that we were too different. His friends dislike me for the same reason.

It was also my first relationship and I never wanted to settle down with the first man just in case it was a mistake. I wished we had met when I was older. I yearned for other experiences so that I could truly know for sure I wanted to spend my life with him. I was jealous of my single friends, not in that they could see other people but the freedom they had in general. Meanwhile, he wanted us to move in together and it gave me fear.

I miss him so much but I do not know if it is because he is with another woman now. She could be the “one” for him. He appears happy. It is killing me, my heart is aching. I keep thinking about how well he treated me and how he is treating her now. It is tearing me up inside. I want him back but I can’t at the same time. What if he leaves her for me, we try again, and the same doubts occur? It would not be fair. Everyone is telling me I must meet other people and date but I am depressed and cannot bring myself to be interested. All the aspects that stressed me before, having to call every day and speak every day, I truly miss. I feel as though I don’t deserve him after all of this.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Elizabeth.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Elizabeth.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Elizabeth.
January 29, 2020 at 12:13 pm #335682

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elizabeth:

Three days ago you wrote: “I couldn’t tell if this was a problem within me and he was the right person- or perhaps he was just simply the wrong person”

(the problem within you being: “In my life whenever I get close to someone I lose interest and want to run away and always do… I get deathly scared of relationship commitment”)

So I asked you: “Can you make a list of concerns you had about him not being the right man for you?” -I asked so to try to figure out if the problem was your deathly fear of getting close to someone or if it was that he was wrong for you (or a combination).

In your recent post, the answer to my question listed that

* “He was a passive person”.

* “my friends and family did not think we were right for each other, that we were too different”

I need to understand better, therefore I ask:

1. Can you explain to me what you mean by him being a passive person, a few examples perhaps?

2. What did your friends and family say to you about him; what about him was not right for you, in their minds?

anita

February 29, 2020 at 2:42 am #340634

Sege
Participant

“In my life whenever I get close to someone I lose interest and want to run away and always do. But he was different”

No. He wasn’t. You did the exact same thing to him. Also, from all your write ups, it’s clear you never really loved him and probably never will if you get back with him. You’ll only ruin the good thing he has going on now with someone who values him.

“I miss him so much but I do not know if it is because he is with another woman now. She could be the “one” for him. He appears happy. It is killing me, my heart is aching”

Again, you never really loved him. His happiness is killing you and aching your heart. You’d feel better if he was emotionally in pain and suffering after you left him.

“It was a very intense, obsessive relationship. I felt as though I was being smothered at Times. Our sex life suffered as a result. He was a passive person which irritated me sometimes. He would agree with whatever I said if I pushed it enough. However I loved him as a person. He loved me, we had good communication, we talked all the time, we were true partners”

This appears contradictory. A relationship with good communication as you claimed above isn’t one that is intense, obsessive or lacking in sex life I believe. It’s really hard to tell which is which as we can’t hear his own side of the story.

You also mentioned your friends didn’t support your relationship with him even though you claimed you were happy and loved him. You need to ask yourself what kinda friends you really have.

You don’t love him, you ended the relationship, he’s moved on and you should as well. Now you’re free to try out other experiences with guys, be individual and single like your friends so, it’s actually a win for you. However, what’s behind door number 2, 3, ….n might not be what you expect in a relationship.

Try seeking therapy as the issue might be deeper than we think. But most importantly, be honest with yourself. Don’t play with the lives and emotions of others. What goes around, comes around. Move on. Go out on dates, meet new people and you’ll see, once you find someone else you think is mr right, again, you’ll no longer be bothered about you ex.
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